Both married, close friend has decided I'm the one. I'm not

[nibblesthekibbles]

Hello,

Not here for a flaming.. nor permission, just have nowhere else to air this situation.

Lovely friend of 15 years has recently decided that "I'm the one" - which I am most certainly not.

I am happily married, young children. Definitely, 100% not leaving my husband. My friend - not as happily married, but with young children.

I feel desperately sad for him, but have encouraged him to work on things with his wife and I have massively distanced myself.

He has now announced that he must speak to me tomorrow, and whilst I'm unsure of what he's going to say - I know I have to finish our friendship.

I am desperately sad I am sad for him and I am so, so sad for myself, as I am losing a really great asset to my life. I realise I cannot keep him around - it wouldn't be fair on my wonderful husband, my gorgeous babies nor myself.

I can't help but feel I'm abandoning my friend, but this cannot turn into something more than what it is.

I am doing the right thing. I do not invite stress nor drama into my life, I don't need it. I wish he'd just kept his bloody mouth shut.

Won’t his wife be interested to know why you no longer talk to him once this blows up and dies down? I know in her position I’d be deeply suspicious.

You come across as romanticizing, forgive the pun, this friendship and going all nostalgic. He’s been eyeing you up for a while, creepy wouldn’t you say?

Hmm, I have to say I agree.

You helped pick out his wife's engagement ring, you are really good friends with this man for many years, he calls and texts just you and you meet him alone in the pub. You say you are a big softy and you want to put your arms around him and give him a big hug.

I think you have overstepped boundaries here. If that mans wife posted on here saying all the above we would tell her to kick him out. We would call it an emotional affair.

He's unhappy, and he has come up with the idea that all his issues can be resolved by hooking up with you. Of course, you should be allowed to be friends with whoever you like, and the opposite sex, but there are reasons why boundaries are needed.

I think you need to draw a line here to put him firmly in his place, but I tell you, if I was his wife I would be going nuts over this. If you have any respect for her, you will shut it down immediately and not meet him again.

I think you've done the right thing. Of course you're going to mourn the friendship, that's natural.

It sounds like he's having some sort of breakdown, where he's picturing you as his saviour from his unhappiness and now believes you're the perfect woman. His comment about taking on your kids is telling...he's so far down the rabbit hole that he's recreating a family life with you and your kids at the expense of his children. This isn't a guy after a quick affair, it's full blow delusion.

This,

Don't engage at all other than to say you want no contact.

Block him everywhere.

If necessary, tell your DH, because this man might decide to fight dirty. He might get the idea into his head that if he breaks up your marriage you will fall into his arms.

This is the LAST thing you want to risk, so it may be necessary to involve your DH. The friendship will be over anyway, because when you don't want to socialise there will be lots of questions..

He sounds like he's going through an awful lot, and he's latched onto you as the answer to all of these problems. Yes it's not fair on you, but I think I'd be a bit worried if all of this has come out of the blue.

As horrible as the situation is, it’s heartening to see a thread where a husband and wife behave as a team. I have that same bond with my husband, and I think accusations of wanting drama come from those who don’t have that security.

That doesn’t mean things aren’t hard work at times, but it does mean you’re always working together.

I’m sorry your friend is being such a dickhead. Sounds like a classic mid-life crisis that he’s decided you could fix, rather than taking responsibility for fixing it himself. It shows a weakness of character, but that doesn’t mean you won’t miss him. I’ve had the same happen to me, and it’s so upsetting. We are not here as solutions to their problems, we are people with our own lives.

Send him or get DH to send him a message suggesting he seek medical help for erratic irrational behaviour.

I had this and told my DH. We agreed my friend was pathetic. Lockdown the happened quite soon after so it was impossible to see him. We saw him last year twice, he does live at a distance. I do not feel the same about the friendship anymore.

My over riding emotion was anger that he spoiled the friendship.

Apologies, I haven't RTFT, but I wanted to share my experience. This was long before meeting my partner and having children, so the stakes weren't as high, however...

A good friend of mine started confiding in me about his relationship difficulties and how he had feelings for someone else. I gave him a shoulder to cry on. I thought we were talking about a particular woman I knew he had always liked. I sympathised, I told him to stop being stupid etc etc.

To my genuine shock and complete horror, it turned out "we" had been talking about me. He thought we were getting closer and closer and as soon as the words were out, he made every effort to mess with my head, trying to convince me, over and over, that I had shown him that I felt the same way. I didn't! I really didn't! He banged on about it for so long, over so many conversations, and gaslit me with his supposed evidence, that I no longer had any sense of what was true and what I really felt. He even tried to start an argument with me about the best way to discipline our children - I didn't want children with him!

I felt sorry for him and didn't distance myself, thinking I could put things right. Eventually he wore me down and I reciprocated, very briefly, completely regretted it and then dropped the friendship. What a shit show!

You're right to distance yourself. Don't meet him. Don't let him get inside your head.

This is why 'platonic' friendships rarely work out.
Usually one person wants more or starts to at some point.

I think you have been a little naiive. Maybe the writing was on the wall ages ago and you never saw it.

IME men aren't good at platonic. Women are, because they feel that's all it is. But the fact you had a close emotional bond could be seen as an emotional affair- you just didn't recognise it as that.

You have handled it well, OP. Sad that it has come to meaning the end of a close friendship but there is no other way it can go.

I’ve been a bit in the position of your friend, during a rough patch I developed strong feelings towards a friend, recognised it for what it was though - pure limerence and unreciprocated. I said and did nothing but created some distance until the feeling faded out. Any other action would have been disastrous.

it must be horrible for you that this platonic friend has oversteppped the mark.

I sort of agreed with @53andABitPodgy that the friendship has strayed into emotional affair territory, at least on his side. However, it may have happened gradually, and for, you can distinguish between friendship and relationship, but for h8m, he’s muddling the waters. Definitely time to give a bit of distance.

Such a shame OP similar happened to me with a close male friend though he took it further trying to get his tongue down my throat 😳 my mum said I must have been giving out the wrong signals ffs anyway friends no more just remember it's on him not you x

I know that’s not true as I have a (straight) male relative who has a number of really good, long standing women friends but has never had (or wants) relationships with them. He’s very happy with his wife.

That’s false. Not every man and woman is attracted to each other. My best male friend who is happily married has always went for women very different to me in looks and personality (thankfully) he would never be attracted to me. And I’m certainly not attracted to him despite him being objectively handsome and a lovely guy. We wouldn’t ever put ourselves in awkward situation either though eg. Sharing a bed and both have strong principles.

I have had some other less close friends try it with me but this one friend I’ve had for 20 years and he’s always been like a brother to me.

Happened to me twice luckily I was only told years later. The first one was younger than me unmarried and looking back I did wonder. Years later at a ball I went outside because it was so hot, an idyllic setting, country house. He was by now forty I guess very successful and handsome. We got chatting and he told me that he had adored me at the time etc ... It was a romantic moment to look back on as an old lady I thought. I'd have had houses all over the world, a yacht in the Mediterranean. Ahhh well.

The other one a friend of OH whose wife never liked me. Again years later a mutual friend told me why. He was absolutely fixated on me. I had no idea and zero interest.

@nibblesthekibbles just say no to a meeting. At this stage if he persists then tell your husband because he may try to arrange things with him to get closer to you.

That’s not really OP’s problem or responsibility. Her husband can explain to his wife why his friend no longer speaks to him.

Her being the wife’s husband, not OP’s husband.

Sounds like a midlife crisis.

I'm glad you chose not to meet with him. That would have been a massive betrayal to your husband.

Huh no way would I be meeting him in this situation friend or no friend. Now this has come out not sure why you would feel the need to hug him etc. Guess this is where your loyalty and love to your own hubby comes in regardless of how you say he isnt bothered. Out of respect for mine I wouldn't be meeting this person ever again after his I love you and want you declaration

Sorry, I'll bite

I went to the pub as I couldn't make head nor tail of what he was on about - and I'm sure if I rang one of my friends who lived close by, clearly in a state, that they'd come to me too

We live in a very small place, unfortunately

My husband encouraged me to go. My husband had to stay at home as the children were in bed, otherwise he would have accompanied me

I was home with my pyjamas on within 45 minutes - after ringing his wife and telling her to expect him/warn him of the state

I am not romantically involved with him, but I do/did care for his well-being

And I have not been encouraging him at all, this is a nightmare situation for me and one that I would have always sought to avoid

Well that is that then isn't it. What happens between them is absaloutely nothing to do with you so get on with your family and enjoy it.

You have done nothing wrong and behaved with integrity throughout this. Ignore the posts accusing you of encouraging it or enjoying the attention.

One of my male friends hit on me years ago, all of a sudden when we bumped into each other after not seeing other for a few years. it came as a shock considering we didn’t have that type of relationship.

I’d lost some weight and started wearing makeup so I’m sure it wasn’t very deep. Our friendship did sour and end eventually though. Years later I found out, just as I thought, that he was struggling severely with mental health which may have explained his behaviour. Years later he sadly passed away (died from suicide) and I did feel some guilt for dumping him as a friend and wondered what if… but I know that was just grief talking and ultimately I did the right thing.

Losing a friendship and being betrayed by a friend is a special kind of heartbreak that is often not understood by others who don’t enjoy close friendships. It’s ok to hate what he said, and how it turned out but also to miss him, remember the good times and mourn the death of a friendship.