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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Both married, close friend has decided I'm the one. I'm not

306 replies

nibblesthekibbles · 21/06/2023 23:22

Hello,

Not here for a flaming.. nor permission, just have nowhere else to air this situation.

Lovely friend of 15 years has recently decided that "I'm the one" - which I am most certainly not.

I am happily married, young children. Definitely, 100% not leaving my husband. My friend - not as happily married, but with young children.

I feel desperately sad for him, but have encouraged him to work on things with his wife and I have massively distanced myself.

He has now announced that he must speak to me tomorrow, and whilst I'm unsure of what he's going to say - I know I have to finish our friendship.

I am desperately sad Sad I am sad for him and I am so, so sad for myself, as I am losing a really great asset to my life. I realise I cannot keep him around - it wouldn't be fair on my wonderful husband, my gorgeous babies nor myself.

I can't help but feel I'm abandoning my friend, but this cannot turn into something more than what it is.

I am doing the right thing. I do not invite stress nor drama into my life, I don't need it. I wish he'd just kept his bloody mouth shut. Sad

OP posts:
RedBonnet · 22/06/2023 06:13

I'm almost 60 and one thing I've learned is that there is no such thing as a platonic friendship - one of the friends is always secretly in love with the other

Viviennemary · 22/06/2023 06:14

I dont buy this platonic very close friends business at all. All too often it develops into something more even if its only one sided. Stop indulging him and don't encourage him by meeting up. He is a menace.

MiddleParking · 22/06/2023 06:28

I’ll never understand how people with young kids have time for affairs of the heart. Surely there’s laundry you could both be folding.

Kilorrery · 22/06/2023 06:28

MysteryBelle · 22/06/2023 03:35

Does your husband have an extra close female friend that knows everything about him and is the best friend he could ever have and is there for him?

I hope so because that’s ultra important to you and also, you seem kinda busy.

Silly comment. The OP has done nothing at all wrong, and it’s unpleasant to suggest otherwise. And has never described her friendship with this guy as ‘ultra-close’ or said he ‘knows everything about her’, only that they’ve been friends for fifteen years and she is fond of him, and is hence giving his declaration more headspace and sympathy than she would if it was a casual acquaintance. Her DH is absolutely right to trust her and not be melodramatic.

OP, I don’t think you should meet him, as you’d just be fuelling his feelings, and stepping back from the friendship is clearly necessary (hence your annoyance), but I don’t think you need to write off the friendship in perpetuity. Probably in a while he will realise he’s been suffering from a temporary mental aberration and apologise, and you can go back to normal.

AgentJohnson · 22/06/2023 06:36

DO NOT MEET WITH HIM! He has betrayed your friendship and he will use you being ‘soft’ against you. Think about it from his wife’s point of view, he’s made his position clear and so have you, nothing good can come from you meeting him again, especially when he’s making demands of you.

bumblebee2235 · 22/06/2023 06:37

I would tell your husband, so he can support you on handling the situation. Plus I'd be pissed if my partner went through big events that affected him without knowing. Plus as he's a guy he might know how he'd like to be dealt with from the guys point of view. I wouldn't go to the meeting.

Hopelesscynic · 22/06/2023 06:46

I would go and meet him, sure - with my HUSBAND in tow. Let him do his bloody declarations then.

Kilorrery · 22/06/2023 06:49

bumblebee2235 · 22/06/2023 06:37

I would tell your husband, so he can support you on handling the situation. Plus I'd be pissed if my partner went through big events that affected him without knowing. Plus as he's a guy he might know how he'd like to be dealt with from the guys point of view. I wouldn't go to the meeting.

But the OP has told her husband. And he’s not being half as melodramatic as some of the wilder responses here!

Plasticplantpot · 22/06/2023 06:49

Don’t encourage him unless you are secretly enjoying the attention. Tell his wife if you’re all such good friends. He sounds like a creep and you’ve been taken in by him.

Roselilly36 · 22/06/2023 06:50

There will be no purpose in meeting, he has crossed a line, the friendship will never be the same and needs to end. I agree with pp, send a text making the situation crystal clear. Or perhaps tell you DH and ask him to text him. I think you may find yourself in an unsafe situation should you meet him. Focus on you’re DH & family.

MeridianB · 22/06/2023 06:56

ZeppelinTits · 21/06/2023 23:30

Don't meet with him. To do so is to collude with him, and keep secrets from your husband. That would be wrong. Just say you can't meet, and bring the friendship to a halt.

This.

You can feel sad for him without meeting. He's made his declaration, so the meeting is presumably to try to persuade you.

I'd focus energies on your DH, and telling him about this, because it sounds as if he will know something is up when you cut ties with friend.

Not diminishing how you feel about this - it must be a shock and now you're losing a great friend on top. Flowers

MeridianB · 22/06/2023 07:00

Sorry OP - I can see from your other posts that your DH may already know - not sure if he knows about the declaration or request to meet specifically, but clearly he trusts you.

Even more reason to just not go - there is nothing to be said.

NeverendingCircus · 22/06/2023 07:06

Bloody hell, some men are jaw-droppingly arrogant and selfish. One twqitch of the willy and they expect a friend to wreck her family life and jump to facilitate their ball itch, while they turn their back on their own family.

I'd send a text that says, I don't want to see you. Not only do I have no interest in any sort of affair with you, I no longer respect or like you. That you could think of destroying your children's lives, security and happiness, and trashing your vows to my dear friend your wife, just because you lust after someone you can't have? I find that degree of self-centred heartlessness repulsive, and I will never see you in the same warm, friendly way again. I've lost all respect for you. I despise men who wriggle out of their family responsibilities when children are small.You've shown a cruel and selfish centre I can't stand. My husband thinks you're sad for trying this. I think you are worse. Back off and don't contact me again.

MinnieMountain · 22/06/2023 07:07

That’s such a shame. DH had a friend who thought she was in love with him (I was aware from her behaviour). It came to a head around the time we got married, they talked through it are “normal” friends now. But your friend being willing to end his marriage is a whole other level. Stay away from him.

AdifferentGoat · 22/06/2023 07:08

You sound like a very thoughtful and kind friend. Hopefully one day he will be able to reflect on this and see you are doing the right thing for everyone involved in this situation. If it's any consolation, during my own marital struggles, I developed 'feelings' for a good friend of mine. In retrospect, I believe it's because he symbolized a 'happy' alternative to the situation I was facing with my now ex. Thankfully I didn't act on it but I wonder if your friend is limerent towards you. If you have any further communication with him, maybe have him google limerence. He is transferring emotions he desires onto you. It isn't fair but maybe he'd be receptive to it? In any case, I wish you well!

astuz · 22/06/2023 07:09

RedBonnet · 22/06/2023 06:13

I'm almost 60 and one thing I've learned is that there is no such thing as a platonic friendship - one of the friends is always secretly in love with the other

This. I'm in my 50s, and I spent years in my 20s developing what I thought were great friendships with men (I did a male dominated degree and work in a male dominated job, and had a male dominated hobby at the time, so couldn't avoid it really). Over the years they all fell by the wayside.

A few of them made passes at me and I had to end the friendship, the others cut me off once I started living with my now DH i.e. when they realised I was serious about him.

Coffeeandcards · 22/06/2023 07:09

I wouldn’t meet him OP, honestly. Just back right off and leave him be to sort himself out. @SarahDippity’s text was just right for now I think.

AdifferentGoat · 22/06/2023 07:11

I agree with this. I think what he may be going through his limerence. It was life changing for me when I discovered that the sudden onset feelings I developed for a close friend weren't real. I was projecting like a mad woman. However where I got lucky was I didn't make it clear and suffered in silence as I desperately desired this man!!! The knowledge of limerence and going no contact made the feelings go away. Now I shake my head at how close I came to ruining my friendship!

habiller · 22/06/2023 07:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

Blueskies13 · 22/06/2023 07:14

Awful for you. Wondering about his mental health and what has brought it on. Mid life crisis? Depression? It doesn’t sound like he is thinking logically at all. I would not meet him. I would perhaps raise some concerns with his wife.

babyproblems · 22/06/2023 07:17

I would feel betrayed too- like your friend hasn’t really been that friend you thought they were. I think your only option is to not engage at all. Any engagement on your part looks bad and from your post, isn’t what it will seem from the outside. His poor wife!! I think you have to give him mega cold shoulder and leave the friendship. Xx

IhearyouClemFandango · 22/06/2023 07:18

The OP has already said she has told her husband
She isn't keeping anything from him and is handling this honourably as far as I can see.

Callipsi · 22/06/2023 07:23

You sound very level headed OP. I hope it goes well today.

billy1966 · 22/06/2023 07:27

Awful situation OP, but this is not the time to hide behind being "soft".

You need to find your anger sharpish.

Otherwise you are indulging him.

How bloody dare he!

Take on your children?

How bloody dare he.

They have a father who loves them.

They have fxxk all need for him.

How about he cops himself on and take on his own children and poor wife.

Find your anger.
Do NOT meet him.

Text him that he has NOTHING to say on the subject that you want to hear and to leave you and your family alone.
Confirm to him that your husband has been made aware of his completely inappropriate behaviour.

By indulging him and giving him oxygen to make his protestations of love, you are indulging in drama.

By finding your anger, telling him to cop and jog on, you are taking control and letting him know this is not going to be tolerated.

End of.

Awful to lose a friend like this, but the best thing you could do for him, in his selfish confusion is be brutal in cutting him off.

He has been a guest in your home, your husband loves him, all the while he is hoping to blow up his marriage and raise his kids?

Find your anger and loyalty to your husband and do not meet him.

Maglin · 22/06/2023 07:31

I think you need to be more clear with your dh. Hopefully you are spending more time agonising over dhs feelings than you describe here. It's all very well saying that your dh is cool beans about it all and leaving it up to you but you haven't told him the truth.