I think my DH cheated on me last night

[nnamechangee]

We have been together a long time and have 3 young children, youngest is 3 months old.

We have been having some problems for a few months but if we talked properly things could have been resolved. He went out last night and came home this morning at 7.30am (he has never done this before). He text me at 4am saying he couldn't get a taxi and had to walk home. Technically it would take him this timeframe to come home.

However his clothes have makeup on them, smell like perfume and his trousers look like they have sperm on them, I have taken photos. He will deny this but I think there is just too much evidence here now.

I'm devastated and have to carry on as normal today for the children.

Do you know who he was out with? Can you ask them what time they got home sort of thing?

His response was that I'm making things up in my head, I said you can't even explain the makeup and he's not responding so he can't even think of a lie.

We have separate finances and stuff so there's nothing really to separate and sort as such. He straight away said to pay him back the money I owe him. Just completely defensive.

I'm not 100% sure who he went out with because he was giving me the silent treatment the day before. If he was out with the usual person then why did he not go home with him, he again hasn't responded or explained

OP, you don't need to keep any evidence or convince anyone here. You know what you know, that's the end of it. You don't need to go through his phone.

Sounds like a drunk dude got a lap dance then fell in a hedge on his way home.

Make sure he knows how much he owes you for childcare if he's going to start wanting money from you!

Can you post the trousers?

Tbh the top just looks a bit muddy and the green stuff will be from whatever bush the mud came from.
He may have fell over, had a wee or had a nap in a bush. It’s not uncommon for people when they’re drunk and can’t get home.

Posters are saying his reaction is an indication of his guilt but if I went out with my mates and my partner accused me of cheating then I too would be defensive and very annoyed.

Either he’s cheated or you are paranoid and don’t trust him.
You may never find out which one it is.
Either way this relationship has obviously run its course and I think you’re doing the right thing by ending things.

This. You are going to have to be very strong.

Please remember that in case of conflicts it is NOT up to any one person to decide who the kids live with. It is up to the court and the judge, if it comes to that.

So many people try to operate with inflicting fear on the other person. It is horrible and unnecessary. Yes, he is a Bellend already.

He would never allow me to go through his phone anyways plus he would have deleted everything. I also don't know the code. Says it all really. I feel so sick.

OP, I’d suggest going to family or a friend’s with the kids and tell him he has time to pack and leave. From today’s date you are separated so I would start looking at what you can claim from benefits and CMS.

Tell people in RL so they can support you.

I don't want to drag anyone into this drama so we are both going to have to sit tight for now until we organise things.

It seems this event is really just a final straw. You already don't trust him and the two of you don't really seem to like each other. You already have separate finances and sources of income which is great. Regardless of falling into a hedge or into a woman, it sounds like this marriage is over. Housing is always a big one to decide. Leave it for a day and then sit down and make a separation plan. See a lawyer.

It’s not a drama if you are serious about ending things . Everyone needs support at different times in life .
It only becomes a drama if you are going to keep taking his crap and you leave and go back to him.

Stay strong tell him
to F**k right off !

Thank you so much for the responses I really need the support.

Are you for real?

Honest to goodness let him bloody have the kids. You go away for a little while, literally won’t be long 48 hours tops and believe me he will shut up about taking the children and be bringing them back to you. But it does them the world of good to realise they can’t fucking cope.

Oh of course you're nuts for taking the pictures.

He's a complete asshole.

Glad you've got the courage to LTB!

He'll try and blame it on you. Because you do xyz but it's isn't you. It's him. All him.

Bit of a leap. How do you know he can’t cope with the kids?

if he can cope, what does she do then? Once they’re settled with him and she’s moved out that will then be difficult to change, and o/p becomes the non resident parent.

big risk. Not one I would take.

He straight away said to pay him back the money I owe him. Just completely defensive.
Well on that one he can get lost. You are married which means that in the event if divorce, EVERYTHING is put in the common pot. So basically it doesn’t matter.
But he is trying to push you in a situation where financially you are going to struggle even more. (Or force you to stay?)And that IS NOT OK, even Wo the recent events.

Take stock @nnamechangee . Go and see a lawyer asap to look at your next steps. In particularly financially.
Look at going back to work early (crap I know) and childcare too.
Prepare your future.
And dint waste your time getting answers or getting him to behave nicely. He won’t if he doesn’t want to. The best you can do is keep as civil as possible whilst watching your back p. Because seeing what his first answers are, I predict he is going to get nasty.

Stay strong, Op. You've got some good advice on here. Best of luck with this new phase of your life

Please do not do this. Do not leave the house first if planning on separating. Especially leaving the children in his care. It could have consequences.

he sounds very controlling and abusive, please don’t mention any more about separating and quietly see a lawyer to know when you stand. Don’t let him know your next moves or he will be ahead and could escalate his behaviour. It will give you and your children some protection.

sorry this has happened to you ❤️

Call someone to come round, your parents or a friend(?), don't tell him until they're there. Then pack.

Having a 3rd party there keeps things safer and more rational.

When I tried to leave with my baby my husband got violent and I got badly hurt (he didn't have a history of violence).

You need him out, even for a time so you can think and have space, and if he won't go you'll have to.

Also in my experience things got drastically better, and I felt better, when people knew what had happened. Keeping it to yourself will make you feel so so low. You need support. I had a newborn too at the time so really really know how you feel.

Yes, keep your plans secret. He sounds very unpleasant.

Sorry to hear this OP, if he didn't bother or think to even try and hide the evidence then he doesn't care.

He says about the children so you'll stay for fear of losing them, but you won't. No court would let him take the children without you having at least 50/50, but there's no way he actually wants them all of the time anyway, it's just an emotionally charged threat.

Money will be challenging but as you're married get legal advice and you will be entitled to some, he will also have to pay CMS (I know its a shit system so not claiming its perfect or easy), and contact CAB to check what financial support you can access.

Please do confide in someone in real life, you need and deserve support.

Owing the other person doesn't exist within marriage. Though you may see your finances as separate, they are legally combined, it's family money. So you owe him nothing and you can probably add financial abuse to his misdemeanours, as keeping money separate within a marriage with 3 children, is ludicrous. That your finances are separate, is in your heads, but not true in reality and you are entitled now to claim at least half of all assets.