I think my DH cheated on me last night

[nnamechangee]

We have been together a long time and have 3 young children, youngest is 3 months old.

We have been having some problems for a few months but if we talked properly things could have been resolved. He went out last night and came home this morning at 7.30am (he has never done this before). He text me at 4am saying he couldn't get a taxi and had to walk home. Technically it would take him this timeframe to come home.

However his clothes have makeup on them, smell like perfume and his trousers look like they have sperm on them, I have taken photos. He will deny this but I think there is just too much evidence here now.

I'm devastated and have to carry on as normal today for the children.

It could be a loose woman he picked up or a prostitute.

His manner is defensive rather than trying to console you and I don't see how you could ever get over this and get the relationship back.

It would be completely over for me.

The best thing you can do is be proactive tomorrow about getting legal advice. The more you do to arrange the split the more empowered you will feel.

Of course you will grieve and feel helpless at times but moving forward is your o my way to get through this horrible time.

Hi OP.
so sorry to hear this. 😭

what’s he been behaving like?
has he said what’s happened?
did he go to a strip club maybe?

you need to hear his story here
but still have every right to feel the way you do regardless.

you also don’t need to keep it together. Get some support for you and the kids.
sending love x

You’re getting a bit of grief, @3BSHKATS , but I take your point. Men get to treat women appallingly, then leave and resume their single lives for the most part. My ‘D’H has left and swanned off to a hotel. Took DC out for a fun day this weekend and dropped them back home for me to deal with tears and bedtime and the difficult bits of the day. I wouldn’t want to be without my children, but it feels bloody unfair

And that’s ok?

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Ignore all advice to leave the family home it’s bonkers. Ignore all demands for money from him - it’s ludicrous. Grey rock as much as you can. Search for his payslips if he has paper copies take photos, pension any other income really. Go out for a walk with kids - get some fresh air, as awful as this now things will get better and you will have a more emotionally secure and happy life without this snake. Best of luck.

@Exasperated01 if I had my time again, I’m sorry I would’ve gone through a very short period of pain of leaving him with the kids for the long-term benefits. One time he actually kidnapped mine and drove off into the night with them. He arrived at school with them late the next day they had no dinner. They had no breakfast and they had no lunch with them. The school rallied round, organised lunch and food for them. Can you imagine what they would’ve done if I had of done that ?
Single parents who are female get told they should’ve kept their leg shut, you are literally financially penalised for the third child. Single parents who are male are bloody heroes and the whole world will Rally round to help them. Including other women. Honestly, my advice is bloody let them.

The fact is the starting points in the family court is 50-50 so if you’re splitting up with anybody you better get used to that idea. And honestly, it’s no bad thing.

What you do not want to let them do is use you for childcare until that three months old is more manageable and out of paid childcare age 5 and that’s when they gradually entice the children to come over and live with them so that they don’t have to pay child support.

.

Do not leave your house that is half yours. Look into universal credit also go on the maintenence calculator see how much he would have to pay per child. Might even be worth printing that and handing it to him the POS threatening you! Also look at child benefit if not claiming already.
You are not trapped and you will be just fine. He on the other hand will have to live with the guilt that he threw away his family on some drunken shag. Let's hope it was miserable and he ends up with something very unfortunate like genital warts for the headache he has caused you. Don't let him talk you around or fool you if you are 100 per cent sure that is makeup then you know. Make his life miserable in the house and get him on the nursery/school run scheduale on set days. He doesnt get to do f all now he is single . Make him sleep on the couch or in one of the kids rooms. Do not even so much as clean a sock of his even if that means going n buying new laundry baskets for the kids and just cooking your own meals and not portioning him out any.
He will get the picture and move out he has too there is no way forward for him there. It is hard to treat someone you have loved like a stranger. But that is what this man is to you now. He's a stranger and everything that now follows will leave you shocked even if he turns around and tells you how accommodating he will be don't bet that won't change when he meets someone. We are just built different. Whoever said men are from Mars got it right.
You will be strong because you have to be for your children and they will see a strong woman raising them and in turn be strong independent people who don't put up with this shit. Tell your friends and family what he has done Also if it makes you feel better you owe this person nothing. He owed you everything for giving him his children and now he will learn.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

He sounds like a master manipulator and to be honest, you and your kids are probably going to be better off without him if this is how he treats you.

Grey rock him as much as you can and get some real life support around you.

Sending hugs

Harness your inner Monica Lewonsky and take his trousers to a chemists. Preferably one with a female pharmacist. They may not be able to test but you will get some good advice. There are tests for sperm, I think glowing in uv light. Ask an expert.

And be laughed out of the pharmacy.

I know several pharmacists and this is not something they do /offer.

If a marriage has come to taking trousers for forensic evidence, it's over.

A lot of people here saying he'll have to pay CMS. That's not necessarily true if OP and DH earn the same and DC live 50/50.

She's not saying it's OK. 😂 She's explaining how the sperm could be on the pants.

@MissJoGrant people bleating about not leaving the family home, appear to have missed the part where it’s rented. If there’s no assets, there’s no point in going mooching round the house looking for bank statements and payslips etc etc it doesn’t matter. And equally, if there’s no assets don’t waste your money on a solicitor.
This isn’t particularly helpful to the OP, though, who is no doubt still in the shock stage.

Blow job in a back alley, yeah.

This lady is still 3 months post natal and just had an awful shock, 50:50 isn't the standard arrangement for a new born baby anyway, don't put that on her.
Enough women deny the evidence in front of them about disloyal scummy men for fear of being separated from their children.

I’m guessing your doctorate is honorary.

There’s a common assumption on here that erring husbands have parents, often mothers, that they can be sent back to. Is really the case?

Has he got any friends - if so ask them to come and pick him up or have you - in which case invite them to come and stay and O would not be engaging with gaslighting or stupid idiot ex - I’d just glare at him and not say a word or engage - boot him out of the bedroom and take baby in there - just blank him

Huh? 😕

@Mystique22 what the actual fuck?!

I hope you’re ok.

You’re married so you don’t owe him anything.

Property wise start looking for something else.

Let us know how you get on op. Im really sorry this is happening to you.

ducks in a row

• his wage/pension details
• loans/credit card debts both of you
• Marriage certificate
• yours and kids birth certificates/passports
• set up free consultations with solicitors to try to get some info on what to expect. Im just about to start going though a divorce too and advice to me has been 50:50 starting point but obviously can shift with circumstances
• im planning to do the divorce pretty much myself £593 https://www.gov.uk/divorce
• you will need legal advice for financial order & childrens arrangements (if you cannot agree yourselves)

best of luck x

The Script:

He's gone straight to Stage 2 Mr Nasty (threats).

He's completely bypassing Stage 1 Mr Nice (I'm sorry I'll do better tears promises presents flowers bla bla bla).

In a way this is easier because you don't have to trudge through wanting to believe lies, being set back in your place, back under control, before it all starts again.

Beware Stage 3 - the 'undermining you behind your back' campaign. She's crazy. Look what I had to put up with.

This is where you need to reach out to your support network. Family and friends.

(Also a small ultra violet light will make semen stains flouresce - hide the trousers and get one off Amazon. CSI-type evidence-collecting.)

Oh OP what a horrible situation BUT you can do this. He's a disgusting creep and you'll soon realise you'll be better off without him.

1. The evidence and his reaction basically say he cheated on you. He has not tried to deny it, he's just gaslighting you. Keep reminding yourself of this.
2. If you are married you don't owe him a penny. Remind him of this fact.
3. Take legal advice - you don't need to act on it right now however it puts you in a better/stronger position to know where you stand.
4. Ask him to leave - he probably won't but no harm in trying. Do not sleep in the sane bed as him, stop cooking, cleaning his clothes etc for him. Let him do it, regularly go out for a couple of hours for some time to yourself/with friends and let him look after the children. Make it clear that even though you are temporarily stuck in the sane house you are no longer together.
5. Your lease expires in Nov so start making plans and enquiries regarding your next house.
6. Ignore threats from him regarding custody of the children. He would get no more than 50:50 and as your baby is so tiny it's unlikely he would get that. Or want it most likely.
7. Keep posting here and we will help you through it!

Good luck and stay strong