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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my DH cheated on me last night

382 replies

nnamechangee · 18/06/2023 08:50

We have been together a long time and have 3 young children, youngest is 3 months old.

We have been having some problems for a few months but if we talked properly things could have been resolved. He went out last night and came home this morning at 7.30am (he has never done this before). He text me at 4am saying he couldn't get a taxi and had to walk home. Technically it would take him this timeframe to come home.

However his clothes have makeup on them, smell like perfume and his trousers look like they have sperm on them, I have taken photos. He will deny this but I think there is just too much evidence here now.

I'm devastated and have to carry on as normal today for the children.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Original poster
nnamechangee · 21/06/2023 13:36

I still haven't managed to confide in anyone I've just kept it to myself.

I've caught him out a bit more so I've completely ended it now and asked him to leave. I feel a little bit more at peace with this for now although I know it's going to be so tough.

OP posts:
MrsO3 · 21/06/2023 13:47

@nnamechangee Well done you for asking him to leave, he had to go. In regards to confiding in someone, please do so. Friends/family are not going to judge etc they will just want to help. Please don't keep this bottled up eating away at you. You've done SO well so far on your own, it's time you had some support now. A problem shared is a problem halved as they say x

Original poster
nnamechangee · 21/06/2023 15:07

He's getting nasty and angry with me, threatening to take the children away from me loads overnights quickly etc.

I'm trying to stay calm but I feel so upset and angry.

OP posts:
Mylifeislikeaboatrace · 21/06/2023 15:11

Share with a family member or close friend, ease the load, and most importantly know you've done the right thing. He's going to threaten over the dc and all the rest of it because he doesn't want to leave as he'll lose control over you. Tough, when reality kicks in a few weeks down the line the dc will probably be far from his mind because he'll be to busy chasing a quick shag somewhere else.

Lainie · 21/06/2023 15:22

nnamechangee · 21/06/2023 15:07

He's getting nasty and angry with me, threatening to take the children away from me loads overnights quickly etc.

I'm trying to stay calm but I feel so upset and angry.

could you go and get a residency order on the children or has that all changed now (my advice might be out of date) and be flattered, he is using the children to get at you because he knows you are a really good mum! he wouldn't threaten to take them overnight if he thought you was out clubbing so if you get a chance say a friend suggests you go out more so of course he can have them overnight as soon as it is ok for the children. watch him change his mind about having them overnight. start wearing a bit of make up if you don't normally, not to appeal to him but to hint you aren't staying single forever. You have a new chapter in your life, you'll start enjoying it soon trust me x

Original poster
nnamechangee · 21/06/2023 15:39

I've no issues with my older dd and 1 year old staying with him of course I just want some sort if phased approach because initially I am going to find it so tough and don't want them away for days on end. I also don't feel that's fair on them when there main home is here.

The 3 month old I will struggle with I mean he's never even done night feeds with either of the children and he struggles on little sleep and can be short tempered.

I've been wanting to make a big change to my hair so when he leaves I'm going to do it for me.

OP posts:
sonicboooom · 21/06/2023 16:50

nnamechangee · 21/06/2023 15:07

He's getting nasty and angry with me, threatening to take the children away from me loads overnights quickly etc.

I'm trying to stay calm but I feel so upset and angry.

Just agree. Say okay, he's trying to hurt you. Chances are if he works full time that he won't be able to have the children as much as he's making out. He sounds like an asshole

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 21/06/2023 17:01

Don’t worry about overnights at the moment. Start with him moving out, when he has somewhere to take them he can have an hour or so. Then you can build from there at a rate you are comfortable with and the children can cope with.

If he wants more he can huff and puff as much as he likes, but then he can start court proceedings. But as you have been reasonable and put the kids interests first by building the time slowly, he won’t have a leg to stand on. His solicitor will tell him that and he will realise it will cost him a lot of money.

It is all empty air and bluster to upset and confuse you.

GCalltheway · 21/06/2023 17:43

nnamechangee · 21/06/2023 15:39

I've no issues with my older dd and 1 year old staying with him of course I just want some sort if phased approach because initially I am going to find it so tough and don't want them away for days on end. I also don't feel that's fair on them when there main home is here.

The 3 month old I will struggle with I mean he's never even done night feeds with either of the children and he struggles on little sleep and can be short tempered.

I've been wanting to make a big change to my hair so when he leaves I'm going to do it for me.

Keep every message, text, WA messages and record any conversations. If this does goes to the family court it might be helpful.

He is trying to scare you into allowing him to stay. Next stage will be declaring undying love and he can’t live without you - he might start emotionally blackmailing you. Just ignore him and communicate only through solicitors as soon as practicable.

I am sorry he did this to your lives. You all deserve so much better

lardass88 · 21/06/2023 19:13

My ex husband did this to me when I ended our relationship, threatened all sorts, badgered me everyday untill I was forced to leave the house with the kids. Took me to the courts for 50/50 , didn't get it, ended up with a agreement in place by the courts, which he never stuck to and then promptly buggered off to London where he still lives 15 years later 🙄, just ride it out, try not to listen or take on board all the nasty things he says, he's just being a asshole. Think positively and plan for when you start your new life ... it gets better believe me xxx

Daisydu · 21/06/2023 20:05

Lainie · 21/06/2023 15:22

could you go and get a residency order on the children or has that all changed now (my advice might be out of date) and be flattered, he is using the children to get at you because he knows you are a really good mum! he wouldn't threaten to take them overnight if he thought you was out clubbing so if you get a chance say a friend suggests you go out more so of course he can have them overnight as soon as it is ok for the children. watch him change his mind about having them overnight. start wearing a bit of make up if you don't normally, not to appeal to him but to hint you aren't staying single forever. You have a new chapter in your life, you'll start enjoying it soon trust me x

Show quote history

This. My ex husband did this. He first of all said he was having the kids full time ect, started having them overnight as much as possible. As soon as I started dating again, lo and behold he didn’t want them overnight anymore!! Trying to stop me from moving on. Well it didn’t work but he bloody tried. Asshole

Fraaahnces · 22/06/2023 04:50

He’s just bullying you. He checked out of your marriage and parenting ages ago. Just tell him that the courts will decide that one.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 22/06/2023 10:04

nnamechangee · 21/06/2023 15:39

I've no issues with my older dd and 1 year old staying with him of course I just want some sort if phased approach because initially I am going to find it so tough and don't want them away for days on end. I also don't feel that's fair on them when there main home is here.

The 3 month old I will struggle with I mean he's never even done night feeds with either of the children and he struggles on little sleep and can be short tempered.

I've been wanting to make a big change to my hair so when he leaves I'm going to do it for me.

Just nod and say ok, he's just trying to get a rise out of you.

Why wait until he's gone to get your hair done? Do it for you and do it now!

MagicBullet · 22/06/2023 11:06

If he has never done night feeds etc… do you really think he will actually have the 3 dcs in his own overnight? And loads of time too?

Come in. If he couldn’t be bothered when you were all in the same house, he won’t be coping when he is in his own.
Plus, even if he tries, I suspect he has no idea what he is in for…..

It’s a threat. Just a threat. And a way to hurt you because he probably feel it’s all your fault his nice little arrangement is falling apart

JFDIYOLO · 22/06/2023 11:37

I wonder if taking a seemingly cooperative attitude to 50/50 would work?

Absolutely. I'll train you how to do it all. Here's their timetables, diary, baby feeding schedule, medical needs, social things, homework, bedtime …

Making it absolutely clear exactly how much extra work he'll be taking on that he never did before when it's just him with the children cramping his style.

All the time pleasant, businesslike, cooperative, reasonable. Giving nothing to latch onto or accuse.

And document and keep everything.

Screenshot every text and social media message.

Record every phone conversation and message.

Keep every email, letter and other corres.

And put your phone discreetly on record when you speak with him.

Capture threats, attempts to gaslight, deny, accuse.

Tone of voice, choice of vocabulary can be very relevant.

3BSHKATS · 22/06/2023 11:44

nnamechangee · 21/06/2023 15:07

He's getting nasty and angry with me, threatening to take the children away from me loads overnights quickly etc.

I'm trying to stay calm but I feel so upset and angry.

You need to tread carefully and get to court asap. Currently if he takes the kids the police wouldn’t bring them back as theres no order in place.

Have you called a solicitor?

WunWun · 22/06/2023 14:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

monsteramunch · 22/06/2023 14:27

@3BSHKATS

You need to tread carefully and get to court asap. Currently if he takes the kids the police wouldn’t bring them back as theres no order in place.

Well, quite.

Which is one of the reasons many of us took issue with your earlier posts (like the below) in which you encourage OP to leave!

Honest to goodness let him bloody have the kids. You go away for a little while, literally won’t be long 48 hours tops and believe me he will shut up about taking the children and be bringing them back to you. But it does them the world of good to realise they can’t fucking cope.

And

Why on earth is it such a bad thing if he’s a primary carer ? Let him crack on.

Glad you've changed your tune now but it makes it even more baffling how combative you were with posters who pointed out exactly what you're now saying - that leaving the children with their dad and walking away even temporarily would not be in their best interests and would also leave OP vulnerable.

3BSHKATS · 22/06/2023 14:33

I change my tune on the basis that she’s not going to follow my excellent advice. More fool her but we are.

TheWorldisGoingMad · 22/06/2023 14:38

DrMorbius · 18/06/2023 09:03

You think he kept his trousers on while having sex?🤔

People do keep their clothes on and have sex. In a club, in a car, in the hallway, down an alley... probably not idea but they do.

TheWorldisGoingMad · 22/06/2023 14:47

nnamechangee · 18/06/2023 09:17

He doesn't speak to his parents, I threw his clothes at home in bed and he woke up. Got dressed again and came downstairs to talk, he knows he's done wrong or he would have just stayed in bed since he didn't get home until a few hours ago.

I've told him it's over and he immediately was like you can't afford this house and the kids are staying with me etc etc.

NEVER EVER be the one to leave the home, married or not. It leaves you in a weak and vulnerable position.

Do you have a spare room you can sleep in while you get legal advice?

Are all your finances joint, or do you have your own account with your own money? You have to think ahead now. He thinks he has you over a barrel, maybe he has. Is it your house, his house or did you buy it jointly? All these things matter.

I feel for you. Adultery is unforgivable IMO. If they do it once, they will do it again, especially with the attitude he has. How do you know he hasn't before?

WunWun · 22/06/2023 15:04

I actually did not request that was withdrawn. I said I probably shouldn't have replied (as on reflection it was feeding the troll)

TheWorldisGoingMad · 22/06/2023 15:39

nnamechangee · 19/06/2023 00:54

Does the housing element of universal credits need to be paid directly to landlord or does it go through me. I really don't want him to find out because I would be worried he might not renew the contract come November.

I think he may not renew in November regardless of what he says now. You have to prepare for leaving in November. Make an appointment with the Housing Department at your local council for advice. Tell them your contract ends in November and you can't afford the rent on your own where you are. Ask them what your options are with 3 children. Find that out now. Don't tell them about him paying the rent for now, as it's just words. These can be empty words.
Monies would be paid directly to you.

Wheresthebeach · 22/06/2023 16:36

Getting angry, being nasty, threatening over the kids (and friends if he's anything like my ex). Classic. Upsetting, but that's the idea. He's a bully. My advice is just to nod, and say 'yes we'll sort that all out'. Don't rise to it. Grey Rock.

Lifescary · 23/06/2023 06:47

lardass88 · 21/06/2023 19:13

My ex husband did this to me when I ended our relationship, threatened all sorts, badgered me everyday untill I was forced to leave the house with the kids. Took me to the courts for 50/50 , didn't get it, ended up with a agreement in place by the courts, which he never stuck to and then promptly buggered off to London where he still lives 15 years later 🙄, just ride it out, try not to listen or take on board all the nasty things he says, he's just being a asshole. Think positively and plan for when you start your new life ... it gets better believe me xxx

50/50 didn't really happen years ago. It does now.

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