I think my DH cheated on me last night

[nnamechangee]

We have been together a long time and have 3 young children, youngest is 3 months old.

We have been having some problems for a few months but if we talked properly things could have been resolved. He went out last night and came home this morning at 7.30am (he has never done this before). He text me at 4am saying he couldn't get a taxi and had to walk home. Technically it would take him this timeframe to come home.

However his clothes have makeup on them, smell like perfume and his trousers look like they have sperm on them, I have taken photos. He will deny this but I think there is just too much evidence here now.

I'm devastated and have to carry on as normal today for the children.

That's not true. It entirely depends on the individual circumstances.

A court is unlikely to take young children from their primary carer who is a SAHP or only works part time to go 50/50. Certainly highly unlikely if the child is still breastfeeding for example.
The starting point is what's best for the children and courts ordinarily consider that this is the lesst disruption for them/keeping the status quo

Although 50/50 is certainly increasing and becoming much more accepted it is by no means the norm.

@nnamechangee I'm so sorry but I just laughed at the nail UV light test. Very resourceful and appears to be confirmation.

I'm surprised he hasn't come up with better lies by now. Speaking from personal experience I've never managed to get vomit in my crotch, even when I'm violently ill.

I seem to have acquaintances who have racked up loads of experiences like this :🙃

A 30-something man shagging woman, literally in car park stairwell.

A 40 something woman getting very drunk and having a knee trembler in a pub storage room, with adult son's best friend when they bumped into each other coming out of loos...

A 40-something woman who got jiggy on back seat of random person's car who had left door unlocked.

All of these people, if you met them work in professional jobs... It wouldn't occur to anyone this is their lifestyle 😵‍💫🙃😁

He’s gross. I can understand that there’s no way to come back from that. I would ABSOLUTELY tell him nothing. None of your plans, etc. Just get all financial paperwork somewhere safe. Protect yourself and your kids. I know this is the last thing you want to hear, but if he is already so angry and still lying despite the evidence to the contrary, I would get an STD check up. I would assume he’s cheated before if he thinks you’re dumb or desperate enough to believe him now.

https://news.yahoo.com/woman-ordered-stop-breastfeeding-accommodate-181500250.html

This happens all the time in the UK family courts, the press arent allowed to report it. Apologies OP, as i said earlier he will only get 50-50 if he peruses it and wants it, but it’s incorrect to suggest no court will rip a baby from its mothers bosom, they will and they do. Its all about the menz rights, nothing to do with the children.

For goodness sake stop making things up just to prove your point. This does not happen in UK courts! The article you have quoted is from Virginia, USA.

Hi OP, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I realise he lashed out when he was confronted yesterday morning and was instantly defensive (IF he was very hungover and extremely tired +woken from sleep his initial angry reaction could be be slightly explained away if he was truly innocent and he felt horrendous due to all of the above and he felt incredulous at being accused of something he hadn’t done, however I’d expect a complete about turn as soon as he sobered up and woke up a little) but how is he acting now? Is he trying to do everything thing he can to try and reassure you nothing happened? Is he trying to fight for your marriage? If he’s truly innocent now he’s sobered up I’d be expecting him to be fighting like never before to prove his innocence and try to reassure you nothing happened, that would include passing over his phone, getting you to talk to the people he was with etc.

Surely he’s been able to tell you who he was with last night, a detailed timeline of what he did, where he’s been etc. If he really walked home for 3.5 hours what state are his shoes in as I’m assuming it wouldn’t have been 3.5 hours of solid walking along pavement, does his phone have any kind of trackers on it, showing were he’s been etc? Even something as inoculas as the iPhone health app would show data as to whether he really did walk home. I’m assuming he went out with either a friend or a group of friends, have you spoken to them?

Are the stains on the trousers, purely in the crotch area or in other areas of the trousers too. Any bodily fluid will show up the same under UV light as sperm. It’s pretty gross but if he’s been sick is it possible he’s been coughing up phlegm or producing snot afterwards which would produce similar stains if then wiped his hands of his trousers and would also show up under UV light. As horrible as this sounds is he the type who gets horny when drunk and would possibly whip it out for some quick self relief whilst walking home?

He may well have cheated, but equally the stains could have more innocent explanations, however his behaviour now once he’s sobered up and isn’t hungover and tired will be your real indicator of what happened. Only if he’s offering total transparency and openness would i be inclined to even entertain listening to him and giving his explanation some thought. Letting you speak to who he went out with, offering up his phone etc would be the bare minimum I’d accept.

@OnthePisteAgain I presume you’ve been through it then have you? I’m not making things up to make a point. As I clearly stated the reason that we don’t know about this in the UK press is because the press are not allowed to report it in the UK. This man probably will not pursue 50-50 custody, but if he wanted to, he would get it end of conversation. And why shouldn’t he ? Idiots like the posters suggesting he shouldn’t be named on the birth certificate lead to situations escalating unnecessary, point your vitriol in their direction

He has told me roughly who he was with but I know he's left people out, can't explain how the makeup happened so how drunk was he? Even the disrespect at having girls hanging over his arms is enough to be honest whilst I'm home with a 3 months old and a 1 year old and our older child.

He's being really nice to me, keeps denying that he done anything wrong. However he has said that we were only together for the kids anyway (he's potentially trying to make me call his bluff here) by upsetting me. I didn't feel that way, he's still going to do the normal stuff like pay towards house and food whilst I'm off but will find somewhere else to rent.

Not sure if he may change. He offered to show me his map walking home and yes it would take 3 hours, but he didn't start walking home until 4am. The bars all close well before this and still the stains so that doesn't matter, we are over and I just feel so sick.

All my baby's slept in until 7 this morning they must have known I needed it, my older child wanted to sleep beside me so I let her, I was glad for the comfort and it also meant I couldn't cry which I was trying not to.

The housing element of UC will be paid directly to you x

@MyCatIsAFuckwit thank you for confirming that.

He put his clothes in the wash early this morning and text me saying not to be paranoid but he needs them for work these week. I can tell you the last time he used the wash machine am never. I already told him I took photos so don't know why she's bothering.

Him saying you are only together because of the children is horrible and cruel, even if he hasn’t cheated that’s reason enough to walk. Those aren’t the words of someone who wants to stay in the relationship.

@Inthedeep no he's had a taste of the single life and the grass is greener. So off he's going to go now. The sooner he leaves the sooner I can process things.

The fact he’s so readily agreed to move out and find somewhere else to rent also shows he’s already checked out of the relationship unfortunately. I think someone who wanted to stay would be pulling out the big guns and throwing everything at making you believe them/fix the problem not throwing in the towel and offering to move out.

What an absolute piece of shit to do that to you at all, let alone when you’re home with his small children. I’m so sorry, he certainly isn’t the man you thought he was 😞 he is, of course, lying his arse off now but you know that. Best of luck to you, you sound strong and capable and you will be absolutely fine without this scumbag, I promise, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

@nnamechangee you can have the housing element paid to you or your landlord , initaly it would be paid direct to you, but I’m not sure you would get housing for a house not in your name . Things you have to look into I know you say it’s both your names but if there are two people working it’s not so cut and dry . You can talk to the landlord once he moves out and get the lease changed to your name only.
is he still moving out , has he went yet ?

oh I’d say that is sperm too. Do NOT ignore your gut , he will lie and lie have respect for yourself you deserve better. Stay strong!

@nnamechangee just caught up!
hopefully he goes soon.
glad you got some rest . Keep your eldest with every night now untill he goes if it helps . They will be sensing something is upsetting you . X

I might be sounding really naive and clutching at straws, but any chance that the stain could be sauce from getting some food before he came home? I’ve had sauce stains looking like that (admittedly not in the crotch area), but not sure if they’d appear like that under UV.

@Sleeepdeprived is doesn't matter if it's not his clothes we're covered in makeup and he has clearly checked out months ago.

The tenancy agreement is in both names, my worry is that the landlord will not let me renew come November because the rents high even though it will be paid no problem. We only moved here last year and my worry is uprooting the children again in the middle of all this separation stuff.

He has to find somewhere to live so could take a few weeks.

Stay strong OP.

My guess is he will say/ do anything in the next 2 weeks to try and get you to change your mind.

Wheb he realises you mean business he will get nasty or manipulate you by saying he is going to kill himself.

You are simply scaremongering. This isn't even the UK fgs.

Seriously, I think some people want to create more drama and actually enjoy watching people suffer. It's like the old hags at the guillotine.

Its the voice of experience counteracting the outright lies trying to pretend they have any comprehension as to what family court would or wouldn’t do. Even an experienced solicitor wouldnt claim as confidently as the contributers here.

And the usual appalling advice about changing locks etc