Partner talks about how amazing they are all the time

[chipswitheveryting]

So my partner spends a lot of time talking about themselves in a very positive light. They talk about how intelligent they are, how capable they are, how they are an out of the box thinker etc etc.

I have heard the same stories over and over again about amazing things they have done (not that amazing and some needs a big dash of salt). Anyhow, we've been together 2 and a bit years now and as much as I've adored him and hung on his every word (he is kind hearted and I do find him attractive) I'm so thoroughly bored of his boasting, I've starting getting snappy when he tells me for the millionth time how he's pushed boundaries further than anyone he knows etc.

Recently, I reached out and managed to arrange a meeting with a top person from my industry. This is a massive coo, I'm so proud of myself, this person liked the ideas I'd messaged to them and was willing to meet over coffee to discuss and explore them further. I messaged a friend in the same industry and she was blown away and couldn't believe it.

I told my partner I needed a couple of hours to read over reports etc to make sure I was knowledgeable and on my game for the meeting , Which is later this week.

He sounds like an insufferable bore!

He is pushing your boundaries beyond your limits as he will find out when you dump him.

Sounds exhausting and I couldn't put up with it.

I imagine he's quite incompetent - Google the 'Dunning-Kruger Effect'....

The Dunning–Kruger effect is a cognitive bias[2] whereby people with low ability, expertise, or experience regarding a type of task or area of knowledge tend to overestimate their ability or knowledge.

Either that or he's completely narcissistic. I'd have a long, hard think as to whether you can stay with a man like this. You deserve better.

Sorry this is a little off topic but when you have your meeting with the person from your industry, try not to give them all your ideas until you're in the job. When I was looking for a job last year I had numerous interviews where I'd have to create a pitch that a company would normally have to pay consultants to do. After speaking to lots of older people in different professions this has happened to them aswell with no job offer for hours of preparation and thought.

I don't want to end a 2 and a bit year relationship because he's not abusive. And others I've had have been

Im so sorry you’ve had such awful experiences but you need to raise your standards. This guy sounds like a narcissist. “Not been abusive” is too low a bar for a relationship. Do you actually like him?

oh gosh I know someone like this. He is very good at a certain sport we are involved in but oh my god does he know it. He won a race the other day that my other half came second in and I saw him puffing and pantsing all the way round but then wrote on his Strava “easy run, no competition today” 🤦‍♀️. At the end I said well done to him and somehow found myself in a conversation with him five minutes later where he was listing all the things he was good at, “I’m great at paddle boarding, I’ve got amazing balance, I reckon I could walk into most sports and beat almost everyone”. He is such a dick and absolutely everyone who knows him thinks so. I would be utterly mortified to be associated with someone like this. I would tell him honestly I can’t stand it when you talk like this and everyone thinks the same. If he doesn’t change immediately I would get rid.

My FIL is like this. He retired 25 years ago, but EVERY time we go to visit he will at some point tell a story of something he did at work that demonstrates how amazing he is. My parents are very modest about their achievements (objectively my dad was much more successful in his career than my FIL, but you'd never guess this from talking to them!), and I find his boasting so cringey and awful. And if you share with him something you're proud of, he will just bring the conversation back to himself, it reminds him of the time he did xyz blah blah blah!

I do understand the feeling of not wanting to end an okay relationship with a fairly decent bloke. But do you want this to be your life for the next several decades?? It sounds like you've lost respect for him.

My ex was like this (note the ex part), he could turn any conversation around to talk about himself. I remember playing a game with him on a long car journey (he wasn't aware), I tried to find the dullest or most obscure thing to talk about, to see if he could somehow make it about him. And yes, he managed it. The daft thing was, my job was far more senior than his, but if you listened to him, you'd think it was the other way around.

What ended it for me was realising that no one would ever be more important than him, his job always came first, even after dc, I would have to work my job around the dc as his was 'far more important'. Any time the dc was sick I'd have to leave work etc, even though I earn nearly twice his wage.

My friends thought he was a tit, as did a lot of people he met.

I think this behaviour is a symptom of something deeper - he feels somewhat inadequate. People who are confident and secure in themselves don't engage in this behaviour. Yes, they may say something complementary about themselves or acknowledge their strengths once in a while, but not all the time.

The question is, do you want to be with someone who's going to make you cringe on a weekly basis and steal the limelight constantly.

I went out with someone like this. He was interviewed in a paper for something and the question was, who do you look up to? Is there a mentor or some person who inspires you. He answered, I only look up to myself.

In retrospect I can see now from the rest of his behaviour he was deeply insecure and unsure of himself and his value as a person. But he was also not a good person in my book, once I found out some of the things he'd done.

Sorry but in my experience this is not a sign of a well-adapted person who can sustain a happy relationship.

I agree with the masses, put him in the bin! I'd be telling him exactly why aswell, to the point I would be showing him pity for his lack of self esteem and insecurities

Just a small comment or two: relationships are supposed to make your life better in some form. And never, never think you have to be a therapeutic resource for a man. His ex had to leave him because of this stuff and he still hasn't managed or wanted to change.

You could if you want to have a major row with him about his selfish behaviour putting you down. If the rest of it was worth it, I'm an advocate for having those difficult conversations. But tbh it sounds like he has stopped keeping this under some control now you've been together 2 years and if anything it's going to get worse. I'd be moving on.

You’re caught up in the sink costs fallacy. You’ve spent two years with this guy and now you’ve realised that you don’t want to do that any longer. That’s ok.

Putting up with someone who self-aggrandises is tedious. It’s even worse if they ignore or minimise your achievements.

I bet you’ve stopped telling him lots of things about yourself because it’s not worth it.

My STBXH is terrible for this. He bangs on about how great he is, how he earns a six figure salary (just squeaking over that line - which sounds bitchy but, seriously, I’ve had to listen to bullshit about a £102k ‘six figure’ salary as a measure of how incredible he is), how he’s been travelling on his own (a couple of months around North America when he was 30). I’ve even had to listen to him banging on about how his dad was the managing director of a company repeatedly, which apparently makes H better than me.

At the same time, the devaluing of my experience and career. I’ve got a PhD and that’s apparently just crap because all academics are useless and just think they’re better than they are, etc. Having every conversation turned back round to him, to the point that I realised I just didn’t tell him things any more. It’s not worth it when at best it gets ignored as he turns back to talking about himself.

The thing is, listening to this crap over years erodes your self-esteem. You’ve realised that this is just how he is now. It doesn’t mean you have to put up with it.

He’s lost several friends over the years because of this pattern of behaviour. It’s ingrained. And not nice.

It’s also embarrassing. I remember being in a cafe with DS after a toddler class. I was sitting with some other people from the class while our toddlers played in the little soft play and the chat was mostly about their newborn baby. Standard social stuff.

H decided to turn up - he doesn’t know these people at all - and he immediately started talking about how he’d just changed job and how important he and his new company were. I was mortified. It was just so socially tone deaf and rude. No one cared about his job. Anyone else would have sat down, said hi, and chosen polite questions/chat about their lovely newborn baby as the obvious topic to go with.

I just sat there a wondered how I’d managed to ignore how utterly terrible STBXH’s social skills are before.

My first thought is that he is massively insecure and wants you to think he's amazing

That's also why he has dismissed your achievements

Does he show any signs of controlling behaviour?

Yes @girljulian! I've now got Cushy Butterfield on a loop through my head 🤣

I had a partner like this. Always bigging himself up whilst subtly chipping away at my
Self esteem

He was a loser to be fair. I think he knew it too

I eventually saw the light and moved on

I’d love to know how he handles rejection or failure, especially when around peers or family

He sounds totally insufferable... just bin him off .. honestly the older I get the more and more happy, contented single women I meet. You don't 'need' a man .. life would surely be much simpler, calmer and enjoyable on your own.

Throw him back in the pond for some other poor woman. How do these men even attract girlfriends?

Constantly bigging himself up and then minimising your achievements? Why are you still with him?? Sorry to be blunt, but you say he spends a lot of time talking about himself and that you're totally bored by this. This is not a little annoyance that you can overlook - this is who he is!

This is who he is and it won't change. If he's driving you crazy after just 2 years, I'd be questioning the relationship. He sounds like he needs and audience rather than a partner. Every time he does it, I'd be tempted to say "me me me me me" repeatedly in a silly voice until he stops. I am quite childish though 😆

My M is very much like this but she's a raging Narcissist.

I think the people who think he's a dick are right and you'll think the same one day. The fact that it's bothering you enough to post on here hopefully means that day will be soon and you'll move on.

Good luck with your meeting

You could try singing it as well, a bit like a vocal warm up?

Congratulations on your achievement! Could you start asking him if he has a low self esteem (and pretend that you’re worried about him) because he feels the need to big himself up all the time and belittle you?
If he doesn’t take the hint, I would leave because this is going to be your life forever!

Bravo, I thought it was just me …

Don't throw good money after bad. You don't want to be back here in 3 years time saying how you've invested 5 years into this twat and now you're scared to leave!
As pp have said, just because he isn't physically abusive that isn't a reason to stay. He's selfish and unkind and damaging to your self esteem - he offers you no support or true companionship.

OP, if you’ve been in multiple abusive relationships and are worried you’ll end up in another one, I often see the Freedom Programme recommended on here.

Also, as a parting gift, get him a personalised mug with this quote on from a Bette Midler film:
"But enough about me, let's talk about you.... what do you think of me?"