Friends invitation gone sour

[HowUAI]

Just wanted to discuss an awkward situation I found myself in with regards to a couple that my husband and I are friends with for several years now. It started off as a text on a group chat that only the 4 of us share. They initiated the conversation asking us at very short notice if we would be free over the weekend for a meal at their house. As I had to be at work on the Saturday till late (and could absolutely not rearrange due to the nature of my job), I immediately replied I wouldn’t be available Saturday night. Thinking they would suggest an alternative day. The texts stopped for a while and after a couple of hours they texted us again asking if I minded if my husband could join them alone on Saturday night as they went ahead and organized a meal and invited 2 other couples too that we are very good friends with too. Honestly I didn’t know what to think of that! I was quite shocked at how blatantly rude they were. Starting off wanting to check our availability making us think they would try to find an suitable day and then going ahead with organizing the meal anyway and making me feel really left out as they knew it would be impossible to join them. Moreover even if husband accepted their invitation, how selfish of them to think it’s ok to sit there enjoying themselves, when I am doing a very stressful job and not caring about my feelings. I would be just fine if they just texted back saying nevermind they will arrange another time soon or something similar. But to rub it in like that and think it’s ok! Why did I have to feel bad when it was their idea to try to plan a lovely meal and then leave me out! This is a couple who usually dined out 2-3 times a week with different friends, so surely they could have scheduled it a different day if they really wanted our company. They never called me to explain in person not did they try to find an excuse as to why the meal had to be on that specific night I couldn’t make. My husband of course politely declined the invitation to join them on his own, but honestly it made me think that perhaps they were never really that keen on my company all these years and only rate my husband as the “better half” of the couple we are. I honestly don’t know if I should pretend this never happened or if I should unfriend them forever!

Yes you are completely BU. But then I perceive my friends as individuals and if I was equally friends with both people in a couple it wouldn’t occur to me that things should be rearranged if one person can’t make it. Likewise if my partner and I had an invitation for both of us but only one was free, we’d encourage the free person to go.

I'm new to this site, what's a 'reverse'?

It would mean that it's the poor friend posting pretending to be the OP.

“Moreover even if husband accepted their invitation, how selfish of them to think it’s ok to sit there enjoying themselves, when I am doing a very stressful job and not caring about my feelings.”

Youre totally overreacting! From the above does the world have to stop when you go to work? I feel sad for your husband as it sounds like he’s expected to just sit solemnly at home waiting for you return from work because he can’t possibly have fun while you’re working…

OP, I have overreacted to things like this in the past, but only whilst pregnant and my hormones were all over the place.

outside of pregnancy, I’d be annoyed, but I wouldn’t expect people to put dinner plans on hold for me unless the dinner was in my honour.

we had the opposite issue recently of a couple cancelling their own birthday plans because we couldn’t make it. Made us feel really bad!

This may be the most bonkers thread I've ever read on MN. And that's saying something. OP, you must know by now that your response to this situation was utterly bizarre.

I agree

Are people not allowed to enjoy themselves while their friends/partners are working?

You are self obsessed - very common these days!

Ok so has everyone missed the update? Her friend said, are you free on Saturday? IF SO - we will invite xyz too.

She said, no I'm not free

But they invited xyz anyway

Op is pissed off because the question was, if you are free - we will do it.

So yes, hubby aside, I agree she's not bu

Even with that update, I think she’s BU. They obviously decided to go ahead regardless, which they’re more than entitled to do. It’s clear they wanted to host a dinner on that particular day. They don’t have to be held to their wording in the text.

Fuck me, 😂😂😂 so because they said that they aren’t allowed to invite their mates if the op says no. Give yer head a wobble 😂😂😂

I can see why you're sad about missing out but your initial post sounds a bit batshit tbh. Then probably decided to go ahead anyway seeing as everyone else was available.

Why did I have to feel bad when it was their idea to try to plan a lovely meal and then leave me out!

Out of interest, do you and H host them around the same amount they host you?

In all your posts you haven’t mentioned how you and H usually invite them or other friends.

IMO, you’re still overreacting. They were trying to see who was available. You weren’t. That’s tough, but in the meantime, other people they invited were.

It would have been properly rude, had they texted you and their other friends about a specific date, other friends said “Yes” and then you said , “No” and they then messaged other friends to say. “Sorry we have to change the date you’ve agreed to because @HowUAI cant do it“

You seem really over the top upset and offended about this. It might be worth sitting with your reaction and trying to work out why YOU feel this way.

Not stewing on how badly your friends have treated you, but why you have responded in such an extreme way. Take responsibility for your feelings, don’t project them on others.

That's not what I said. I was just pointing out why op is upset, and that I can see her point.

Pal says, if you're free on Saturday we'll have dinner and invite xyz. Op says oh sorry I'm working. Pal organises dinner anyway.

Pal shouldn't have asked if they were going to do it anyway - what was the point of asking?

I was just trying to explain how it looks from an alternative perspective

No need to be such a shit about it

Maybe your head is too loose, maybe less head wobbling in future? Or learn how debates work.

Absolutely this. Also your comment of how selfish of them to think it’s ok to sit there enjoying themselves, when I am doing a very stressful job and not caring about my feelings makes you sound utterly insane, to be honest.

Normal people don't react like this.

I can't believe your husband was out enjoying the football while you were doing a very stressful job. Does he not care about your feelings??

But even with this update it's still a huge over-reaction. It's hard arranging group things. It's pretty normal to say "Are you free on X if so we'll have a dinner" then if most people can come they'll go ahead.
I'm part of a big friendship group and it's impossible to find a date everyone can do. There's always someone missing but usually their partner would be there, if they're free (I mean why not?). It's fine because there'll be plenty of future gatherings to catch up.
OP - why don't you host a dinner to see everyone?

As a widow I find that couples dinners are very much a thing…

I can't see a problem. I work shifts in a stressful job too and my OH often goes to things without me as would I when he worked away.

From reading your latest update I think they sent the same tex to both you and your DH and the other couple at the same time.

So then they just went ahead as the other couple were free.

Agreed. I think the OP thought she was the star guest that the dinner was being planned around, but actually they all got the same text and the friends decided to go ahead with the meal when they saw the majority were free.

Thanks for everyone’s responses. I agree it was an overreaction on my behalf and I have laughed with most responses that describe me as bonkers because I probably am a bit. And I don’t take myself that seriously most of the time.

RedBonnet thanks for seeing it from my POV and you are spot on with your response in my opinion.

Thanks also to all who mentioned about maybe I have been stressed about other things including job. It is in fact true and I intend to do something about it soon. I do love my job but often find people don’t have a clue what sacrifices it requires and whilst I AM TOTALLY HAPPY FOR THE WORLD TO HAVE A GOOD TIME whilst I work, I still think there was no need by our friends to rub it in like that. Because they said they were looking to invite X couple (who we are very close with too) only if we can make it too. Never mind. I am totally chilled now and over it. They are lovely people and will remain good friends.

We have always checked everyone’s availability in the past before organizing group dinners at our place. Anyway we much prefer to just have one couple over at a time as we find the conversation becomes much more meaningful rather than when there are a bunch of people talking over each other.

Hands down the most pleasant, reasonable reply to a unanimous disagreement with the op I've ever seen here.

Hope things get better for you soon, op.

bit Late to the thread. OP I still cannot believe in any shape or form that your friends have been rude. Your response is sooo worryingly unreasonable ! On the plus side you still seem like a nice person - nice but yes…. Bonkers!