Friends invitation gone sour

[HowUAI]

Just wanted to discuss an awkward situation I found myself in with regards to a couple that my husband and I are friends with for several years now. It started off as a text on a group chat that only the 4 of us share. They initiated the conversation asking us at very short notice if we would be free over the weekend for a meal at their house. As I had to be at work on the Saturday till late (and could absolutely not rearrange due to the nature of my job), I immediately replied I wouldn’t be available Saturday night. Thinking they would suggest an alternative day. The texts stopped for a while and after a couple of hours they texted us again asking if I minded if my husband could join them alone on Saturday night as they went ahead and organized a meal and invited 2 other couples too that we are very good friends with too. Honestly I didn’t know what to think of that! I was quite shocked at how blatantly rude they were. Starting off wanting to check our availability making us think they would try to find an suitable day and then going ahead with organizing the meal anyway and making me feel really left out as they knew it would be impossible to join them. Moreover even if husband accepted their invitation, how selfish of them to think it’s ok to sit there enjoying themselves, when I am doing a very stressful job and not caring about my feelings. I would be just fine if they just texted back saying nevermind they will arrange another time soon or something similar. But to rub it in like that and think it’s ok! Why did I have to feel bad when it was their idea to try to plan a lovely meal and then leave me out! This is a couple who usually dined out 2-3 times a week with different friends, so surely they could have scheduled it a different day if they really wanted our company. They never called me to explain in person not did they try to find an excuse as to why the meal had to be on that specific night I couldn’t make. My husband of course politely declined the invitation to join them on his own, but honestly it made me think that perhaps they were never really that keen on my company all these years and only rate my husband as the “better half” of the couple we are. I honestly don’t know if I should pretend this never happened or if I should unfriend them forever!

Moreover even if husband accepted their invitation, how selfish of them to think it’s ok to sit there enjoying themselves, when I am doing a very stressful job and not caring about my feelings. I would be just fine if they just texted back saying nevermind they will arrange another time soon or something similar. But to rub it in like that and think it’s ok!

Is your DH allowed the remote control when you go to work because I’d hate to think of him selfishly enjoying himself and not caring about your feelings when you’re doing your very stressful job. Get over yourself.

Yes, unfriend them forever! 🙄

If the texts stopped for a while, maybe they discussed alternative dates with the others and didn’t come up with any within the next few weeks so went with this weekend.

Looking at it from their pov, a) they probably preferred this weekend and b) it would have been spectacularly rude of them to disinvite couple x for example if x told them they can’t do next weekend during any discussions to try to accommodate the two of you.

Not every piece of communication needs to be perfect op.

They were asking your availability for a specific day, not in general. You have issues if you read this much into a text exchange.

Meh it’s normal in my friendship group to be invited over to stuff with other people, if I can’t make it they still go ahead (shock horror). I would have just told DH to go an enjoy himself. It’s not a big deal.

If I was the friend I'd chuck you out of the group chat, never invite you to anything again and check with your husband if he is okay. You sound controlling, your husband can't have fun because you're at work? Have a word with yourself.

They weren't going to have the dinner on that day anyway if maybe 2 couples couldn't make it, but only 1 person out of 8 said they couldn't go so it was perfectly fine and not rude to go ahead

Chill @HowUAI

One of the hardest life lessons we all have to learn is that the world doesn’t revolve around us.

@HowUAI I think it's really important that you don't take one posters agreement with you as proof that you are not being absolutely, totally unreasonable about this.

It's really easy to jump on a post that validates us when nearly every other person is literally 'WTF' about it.

Of course the chances were that one out of the 8 people in 4 couples wouldn’t be able to make it on a given day. That’s why they should have just said we are hosting in this day are you free? And not ask us our availability and then make no effort at all to explain why they had to organize despite us not being available. I believe that was impolite.

oh come on, @HowUAI

I’m prepared to be sympathetic about your feeling of missing out on a fun evening because you have to work. Been there, done that.

But YABU to try to prescribe how THEY should behave, how your friends should word an invitation, and to ascribe your sense of missing out to their impoliteness. And then to see the whole saga as a deliberate attempt to snub you.

What they’ve done is absolutely NORMAL.

1. decide to cook for friends on Saturday night
2. invite said friends
3. one friend can’t make it, she has to work
4. Friends: “oh really sorry about that. We’ll catch up another time”

See, I’m 50/50 on this one because rationally I’d probably think it’s no biggie, they haven’t done anything wrong and because they’re old friends and this date works for them but also be secretly seething about it 😂

I’d just mute the group for a week or so and then move on.

I don’t understand what your problem is or why you think they’ve been rude. YABU

Do you always take things extremely personally?

With kind respect you sound very insecure.

Chill out and stop taking yourself so seriously.

Your reaction is way over the top for the perceived ‘crime.’

OP is there something else unrelated going on in the background that you are very upset or sad about? Could there be something like that which has made you react so emotionally here (in a situation which really doesn’t warrant it). Are you feeling down about something else in general?

What's wrong with that? That sounds very polite to me. The other couples said they were free so they decided to proceed. You honestly think they should've postponed just for you?

You do sound like such hard work! Like you expect your friends to prostrate themselves to keep you happy.

They never called me to explain in person not did they try to find an excuse as to why the meal had to be on that specific night I couldn’t make.
Oh absolutely, they of course need to explain when and why they are having a meal in their own home to you!

Crikey. I wonder what it’s like to go through life this self-absorbed and full of self-importance? It must be utterly exhausting for the OP’s husband and friends.

You’re being ridiculous.

Now your husband has to sit at home and not enjoy himself because you’re working. Wow.

I feel sorry that you are upset by this as it’s never nice to feel hurt by friends but honestly you’re overreacting and finding issue where there really is none. It’s also a pity your husband felt he couldn’t go on his own.
I have to admit I did laugh at your comment about how unreasonable they were to enjoy themselves while you were working, don’t be silly 🤣

Huge over reaction - as you said they dine with others often so are likely to invite you again. They obviously want to have a dinner party this weekend for some reason - its likely they were stood up by someone else or the other couple were coming and for some reason decided they wanted more people there. You and hubby are not joined at the hip and quite frankly if you are working why would you not want him to go do something nice?

My husband of course politely declined the invitation to join them on his own

“Of course”?? like there’s no alternative.
Is it a trust issue? Do you have a problem with your DH going to your friends house for dinner without you?

This must be a reverse 😂

No one can be that self-centred 😆

This is a non-issue, barely worthy of a second thought.

I resuscitate people for a living. I assume your job is similar.

If I started feeling resentful that other people who aren’t working are enjoying themselves I’d think I was burnt-out. Are you?

Are you a grown woman? Because you are sounding extremely similar to a 13 yr old girl.

I think you really need to get over yourself.

If we had a couple we were good friends with we would extend the invite to one half if we had something going on and the other was working. There's no snub here or rubbing your face in it. Jesus.