Friends invitation gone sour

[HowUAI]

Just wanted to discuss an awkward situation I found myself in with regards to a couple that my husband and I are friends with for several years now. It started off as a text on a group chat that only the 4 of us share. They initiated the conversation asking us at very short notice if we would be free over the weekend for a meal at their house. As I had to be at work on the Saturday till late (and could absolutely not rearrange due to the nature of my job), I immediately replied I wouldn’t be available Saturday night. Thinking they would suggest an alternative day. The texts stopped for a while and after a couple of hours they texted us again asking if I minded if my husband could join them alone on Saturday night as they went ahead and organized a meal and invited 2 other couples too that we are very good friends with too. Honestly I didn’t know what to think of that! I was quite shocked at how blatantly rude they were. Starting off wanting to check our availability making us think they would try to find an suitable day and then going ahead with organizing the meal anyway and making me feel really left out as they knew it would be impossible to join them. Moreover even if husband accepted their invitation, how selfish of them to think it’s ok to sit there enjoying themselves, when I am doing a very stressful job and not caring about my feelings. I would be just fine if they just texted back saying nevermind they will arrange another time soon or something similar. But to rub it in like that and think it’s ok! Why did I have to feel bad when it was their idea to try to plan a lovely meal and then leave me out! This is a couple who usually dined out 2-3 times a week with different friends, so surely they could have scheduled it a different day if they really wanted our company. They never called me to explain in person not did they try to find an excuse as to why the meal had to be on that specific night I couldn’t make. My husband of course politely declined the invitation to join them on his own, but honestly it made me think that perhaps they were never really that keen on my company all these years and only rate my husband as the “better half” of the couple we are. I honestly don’t know if I should pretend this never happened or if I should unfriend them forever!

In the nicest way OP - this is just absolutely bonkers. Your friends had an idea to have dinner with friends and asked if you were free on the date they had in mind. You’re not but everyone else is, so very reasonably they’re going ahead with it. There is nothing in this that is offensive to you or ‘leaving you out’ - you were invited! It’s horrible to feel left out or unwanted but I think you’re making a crazy mountain out of a reasonable molehill.

I can see where you are coming from Op.

It may depend on how it was worded.

If someone asked me if I was free & I wasn't I'd think that they would arrange another time as they wanted to see me.

If someone said I'm planning something this weekend & hope you can be there then that's obviously different.

Massive over reaction- they asked, you weren't, he was, the said the invitation was still extended to him.

Lol

I can't believe what I've just read

For me this would be an utter non event OP, let alone endless internal and internet discussions about whether to end friendships.

DP and I are two separate entitities, If I'm busy and he wants to go to dinner with someone ( because he's been invited) then I can't see why he wouldn't go if he wants or why this would be any slight towards me. Shame he didn't go and enjoy himself instead of staying at home to support a petty agenda of making a stance against a non existent slight.

It's a very self-centred view of it to imagine it's an offence towards you that anyone else should enjoy their own time simply because you happen to be working a stressful job. The two things aren't related and they shouldn't have to make a concession for it - surely you do not take time off work in moral support of any friends and family doing the same, if you happen to be off on a day they work..

I think you've realised you're over reacting OP, I also work in a stressful job that involves shift work, I really wouldn't have even battered an eyelid if DH went alone because I was at work. It genuinely wouldn't have entered my head to be upset or offended.

I think you've misinterpreted them asking your availability. They clearly meant 'we're having a dinner party this Saturday, are you guys free?' Rather than 'we want to have a dinner party, when would you both be available for us to do this?'.

You're massively overthinking and over reacting.

I do think you are overthinking this. They wanted to host a dinner party. Saturday didn't suit you, but it suited them. There was no need for them to postpone it. They'll see you another time.

Obviously they're planning a gang bang & really want your dh there, is it rumoured he has a massive.......personality? 🤔

Well, they were asking about your availability to attend a casual dinner party, not a once-in-a-lifetime event. I imagine they thought that it's unfortunate you're unable to go to this one, but you'll just come to the next one, if there are no conflicting schedules.

I don't see that they've been even marginally rude or thoughtless.

My first thought was that they (the inviting couple) were swingers.

sorry

If you must know the exact wording of the invitation was “are you guys free for a dinner party this Saturday night? If so then we will also invite X couple too. So please let us know if you are free so we can invite X couple also”.

[paragraph]!!!

I then reply I am working Saturday and the next text just comes after a while plainly saying
“shame, could your DH make it?” “We have confirmed X and Y couple can come Saturday night.”

Lovely, right? Very proper, considerate and above all courteous.

I was hoping this was a reverse because I’ve never read something so utterly self absorbed in all my life.

Seems OK to me

how selfish of them to think it’s ok to sit there enjoying themselves, when I am doing a very stressful job and not caring about my feelings

So sorry OP I have been out enjoying myself tonight BUT I will spend tomorrow thinking about you and your very stressful job to atone, I hope that's okay??

Seriously. You need to get over yourself. This isn't a big deal. Saturday suited everyone else except you. You aren't missing or being left out of anything important.

Don’t see how they are unreasonable.

they asked. You and dp declined. Unless there is a massive drip feed coming, don’t see how anything is sour either?

Honestly, it's fine.

It was all a bit last minute but they clearly wanted to host Saturday. If no-one could come they would have come up with another date I assume.

Your reaction is bizarre and completely over the top.

I would think the same message was sent to all the couples separately and everyone said yes apart from you. It’s unfortunate for you, but they really didn’t do anything wrong.

I think I’d probably more about how you are feeling about your job than about anything in this specific, fairly ordinary scenario.

Id have no problem with other half doing that, what difference foes it make if you are at work anyway

They are organising a group thing and you think they should change it because one person in that group - you - can’t make it? That does make you look as it you are full of your own self importance

And your point around “well they asked about availability” - that doesn’t mean that they should cancel it all because you were not available. It just means can you make it, you said no, they meant oh well that’s a shame we will see you next time. That’s how most group chats work in my circle. If you had to keep postponing until everyone was available you would never meet up

Is this a joke 😂

They never called me to explain in person not did they try to find an excuse as to why the meal had to be on that specific night I couldn’t make.

They really don't have an obligation to explain their diaries and their social life to you.