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Original poster

Friends invitation gone sour

233 replies

HowUAI · 10/06/2023 22:07

Just wanted to discuss an awkward situation I found myself in with regards to a couple that my husband and I are friends with for several years now. It started off as a text on a group chat that only the 4 of us share. They initiated the conversation asking us at very short notice if we would be free over the weekend for a meal at their house. As I had to be at work on the Saturday till late (and could absolutely not rearrange due to the nature of my job), I immediately replied I wouldn’t be available Saturday night. Thinking they would suggest an alternative day. The texts stopped for a while and after a couple of hours they texted us again asking if I minded if my husband could join them alone on Saturday night as they went ahead and organized a meal and invited 2 other couples too that we are very good friends with too. Honestly I didn’t know what to think of that! I was quite shocked at how blatantly rude they were. Starting off wanting to check our availability making us think they would try to find an suitable day and then going ahead with organizing the meal anyway and making me feel really left out as they knew it would be impossible to join them. Moreover even if husband accepted their invitation, how selfish of them to think it’s ok to sit there enjoying themselves, when I am doing a very stressful job and not caring about my feelings. I would be just fine if they just texted back saying nevermind they will arrange another time soon or something similar. But to rub it in like that and think it’s ok! Why did I have to feel bad when it was their idea to try to plan a lovely meal and then leave me out! This is a couple who usually dined out 2-3 times a week with different friends, so surely they could have scheduled it a different day if they really wanted our company. They never called me to explain in person not did they try to find an excuse as to why the meal had to be on that specific night I couldn’t make. My husband of course politely declined the invitation to join them on his own, but honestly it made me think that perhaps they were never really that keen on my company all these years and only rate my husband as the “better half” of the couple we are. I honestly don’t know if I should pretend this never happened or if I should unfriend them forever!

OP posts:
Original poster
HowUAI · 10/06/2023 23:07

Just to make it clear my DH is out with his brother tonight watching the football. He wasn’t sad to miss the dinner party. And of course he didn’t require my permission on what not to do. It was his decision.

OP posts:
Hamburgerandchips · 10/06/2023 23:12

I can't believe the amount of responses saying you're overreact or over sensitive! I'm 100% with you, I'd be pissed off and feel the same as you

Original poster
HowUAI · 10/06/2023 23:13

Wenfy · 10/06/2023 22:59

I think it’s weird that if it’s a couples dinner they wanted your DH there by himself. Is there a backstory in that he’s the actual friend of one of the people there?

They have known both of us around the same number of years. You all appreciate why they wanted DH by himself. He’s the fun one and I am the quiet one /or the hard work one as most of you seem to think.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/06/2023 23:13

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/06/2023 22:10

You're completely over reacting. They wanted a dinner party with a few people. They sent a text out to a few couples and some of them could make it so they decided to go ahead. One of the couples replied and said one person in the couple would be working, so they invited the other half of the couple in case they were at a loose end. The end.

This.

Maddy70 · 10/06/2023 23:15

It's not a couple's dinner party. It's a friend's dinner party that's why they invited your DH by himself.

Yabu. You couldn't go. Do you expect them to change everyone else's plans to suit you ?

Original poster
HowUAI · 10/06/2023 23:17

FictionalCharacter · 10/06/2023 22:29

@HowUAI , have you considered that if they'd arranged it for another day to suit you, someone out of the other couples might not have been able to make it?
If you decline an invitation to anything, you can't expect the host to cancel or rearrange it just for you.

Of course the chances were that one out of the 8 people in 4 couples wouldn’t be able to make it on a given day. That’s why they should have just said we are hosting in this day are you free? And not ask us our availability and then make no effort at all to explain why they had to organize despite us not being available. I believe that was impolite.

OP posts:
MumblesParty · 10/06/2023 23:19

My guess is that they wanted to ask a few people round for dinner, suggested the day, and everyone could come except you. Chances are there’s rarely a day when everyone can come, so it’s quite good going to find a day when only one person can’t make it, so they went ahead with that date. And then they wondered if your DH might like to come, knowing he’d be on his own while you were working.

Boomboom22 · 10/06/2023 23:19

I don't get it. Why can't your husband go alone? You'll be at work? They do like you they invited you. They're not going to cancel their weekend though because you are at work.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 10/06/2023 23:21

HowUAI · 10/06/2023 22:53

Ok I appreciate everyone’s responses and I maybe I have over reacted a tiny bit. I am not usually like this at all nor do I lock anyone up in a dark room when I am working. In fact I am the one to make sure the kids or husband don’t miss out on anything because if my work. It was the way this was done that just my feelings. It would be totally different if the invitation was clearly for that specific day and for whatever reason we couldn’t make it so they still went ahead. What seemed rude to me is that they initially tried to ask our availability but then went ahead and organized it anyway despite knowing I wouldn’t be able to make it.

Have you tried to coordinate a meet up with six other working adults? Once you've done it a few times you realise finding a date you can all do within a reasonable time frame is usually impossible, so you find the date MOST of them can do and see the others the next time.

The "way this was done" was completely normal and not rude. Hopefully the thread has shown you that.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 10/06/2023 23:22

HowUAI · 10/06/2023 23:17

Of course the chances were that one out of the 8 people in 4 couples wouldn’t be able to make it on a given day. That’s why they should have just said we are hosting in this day are you free? And not ask us our availability and then make no effort at all to explain why they had to organize despite us not being available. I believe that was impolite.

Show quote history

Cross post.

They didn't need to explain because, as you can see from the thread, the vast majority of people wouldn't need it explained. They asked everyone for availablity, tried for a "couple of hours" to find a good date for all, then went with the majority vote.

Bournetilly · 10/06/2023 23:23

This is ridiculous and your husband didn’t need to decline the invite because you couldn’t go.

Toothpastestain · 10/06/2023 23:24

You are hard work and you should use paragraphs.

QueenieMe · 10/06/2023 23:24

Blimey, you sound like hard work! They did nothing wrong. They invited you, you said you'd be working, they wondered if your DH might still like to come. They've not excluded you in the slightest, what they've done is be mindful not to make your DH feel like he was unwelcome just because you couldn't attend.

Justgorgeous · 10/06/2023 23:24

Unless you thought they were all chucking their keys in a pot at the end of the night you are totally unreasonable and pretty controlling.

DarkDarkNight · 10/06/2023 23:25

They were having people over for dinner and checked if you were available, that’s all. They weren’t specifically building a night around spending time with you, just asking if you were free to join. This is bonkers.

Original poster
HowUAI · 10/06/2023 23:25

Hamburgerandchips · 10/06/2023 23:12

I can't believe the amount of responses saying you're overreact or over sensitive! I'm 100% with you, I'd be pissed off and feel the same as you

Thanks for agreeing. But it is useful to know how other posters view it to get some perspective. Personally I try to be more polite when I invite friends over. No point asking availability if the intention was to have the dinner party on a specific day anyway. I guess things can easily get misinterpreted over text messages though.

OP posts:
mrsbyers · 10/06/2023 23:25

You need to get over yourself , they were doing a nice thing

Strawberrydelight78 · 10/06/2023 23:25

I wouldn't say it's rude there will always be one or two that won't be able to attend with that many couples in the friendship group. I would consider your reaction to be rude though.

DinaofCloud9 · 10/06/2023 23:31

They aren't blatantly rude at all and you are totally overreacting.

grumpycow1 · 10/06/2023 23:32

Jesus

chill our love.

they haven’t done anything wrong. Maybe you need a new job if it’s stressful and you work antisocial hours?

UsingChangeofName · 10/06/2023 23:33

Just to make it clear my DH is out with his brother tonight watching the football. He wasn’t sad to miss the dinner party. And of course he didn’t require my permission on what not to do. It was his decision.

So he didn't "politely decline of course" because you couldn't go, or he thought the invitation rude, he declined because he wanted to watch the match with his brother ?

Bluedab · 10/06/2023 23:33

I find it so frustrating when dh and i invite a couple to do something and they say they cant come because one of them has a commitment. If we are inviting a couple then we like both people and would be happy for either or both to attend. I dont get why some couples need to be joined at the hip. YABU.

AliceOlive · 10/06/2023 23:33

If someone asked me if I was free a certain day, I wouldn’t expect they meant “when are you free?” as you seem to have taken it. They specifically asked about that day because they wanted to have you over.

I just don’t see any rudeness here.

Dahlietta · 10/06/2023 23:34

I think maybe they just phrased it badly? If they’d said, “We’re having a dinner party on Saturday, wondered if you and DH would like to come…. Oh no, that’s a shame, would DH like to come on his own?” I think maybe you wouldn’t have taken it so badly? But presumably that’s what they meant.

Boomboom22 · 10/06/2023 23:36

I think they asked if you were available at a specific time not your general availability which is why you're offended and everyone else thinks your a bit mad.