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Original poster

Staying in a relationship for financial security

52 replies

RubyPip · 07/01/2023 07:41

One of my closest friends said something that's stuck with me and I can't decide whether to feel sad for her, or not.

I always thought she had a reasonably perfect marriage, her DH is a lovely guy. But she admitted she doesn't feel 'in love' as such, that she imagined herself with someone who really 'gets' her (she's very creative, he's practical) is romantic (apparently he is pants with this), and she said the sex is a bit dull, but okay. She says he's a bit of a loner (he does come across as shy) and she feels guilty leaving him at home alone when she's off out with friends/hobbies.

Together they've built up a very good business and had the benefit of an inheritance (his family) and they're not mega rich but basically she doesn't have to work now and they're financially secure. (Admit I'm more than a bit envious, I'd love to leave my job!!)

So effectively, a major part of staying married to him is the financial security - she said, there's nothing 'bad' enough to leave him for, and the grass isn't always greener anyway. (They don't have kids, though wanted them, IVF wasn't successful sadly).

It really surprised me and I wondered how many others do or would feel the same as my friend? I didn't give any opinion to her, just listened and nodded while our wine went down!

OP posts:
callmesophia · 07/01/2023 07:45

I think that's fine. Marriage is not a fairytale or a film. People stay in secure partnerships for a variety of reasons. Loving or not so much. Depends if both parties are happy I guess. And happiness comes in many different forms!

Snippedasababy · 07/01/2023 07:50

I think a lot of people do this and I think as long as both are on the same page, it’s fine. If your friends husband wanted lots of romance and to be incredibly in love it wouldn’t work. One would be miserable.

I think people often have a fairy tale view of what marriage should be. And think anything else isn’t acceptable. But everyone’s marriage is different.

There’s Always the risk that it’s ok…for now. That at some point one may meet someone and develop new and exciting feelings for and then the marriage goes out the window. But I think could happen in the majority of marriages. Even ones that have the romance, excitement, amazing sex etc.

Antst · 07/01/2023 07:55

I remember being shocked the first time a friend said something similar. Since then, I've met so many people who either say they have the same attitude or seem to!

Let me guess: your friend is good-looking and good in social situations, right? So I wouldn't feel too sorry for the husband. He's getting something out of this too. I find that people often see men as victims in these situations, but the thing is, they wouldn't marry anyone like me (I work long hours and don't have time to get my nails done, don't think tanning is healthy, and have poor parents).

I often wonder if people who say this sort of thing actually mean it or it's that they lack the ability to state that the initial passion has worn off and they've settled into a calmer relationship. Who knows.

It seems immature to whinge that he's not creative when she married him knowing his personality full well! A mature person would taken responsibility and either not marry him to begin with or learn to appreciate him for what he is. She sounds like a teen, dreaming of her perfect man and resenting the one she has because he doesn't fit the perfect picture. Her idea of herself seems precious and pretentious. She wants to have an image of being romantic and creative. That's her identity. But she doesn't acknowledge that that's only possible because she's living off him--his inheritance and what sounds like his greater effort with the business.

Like I said though, he clearly wants to have a wife like her and I bet he understands on some level that they have a transactional relationship.

YouJustDoYou · 07/01/2023 08:00

callmesophia · 07/01/2023 07:45

I think that's fine. Marriage is not a fairytale or a film. People stay in secure partnerships for a variety of reasons. Loving or not so much. Depends if both parties are happy I guess. And happiness comes in many different forms!

I agree with this. If she is content with her life, and not forcing herself into anything, then that's just what works for her. We can spend all our lives trying to find that Disney relationship, and might hit on a ghost of it, but might also never find anything like it. It's not for everyone to "settle", but if it works for them, well that's good for them.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 07/01/2023 08:05

I don’t think it’s “fine” so much as “it happens”
It’s very easy to drift into a serious relationship, where the “pros” outweigh the “cons” until they don’t, and then the relationship ends. It just depends on what you count as the pros and cons tbh. And financial security, especially if children are in the mix, is a huge one.

catsnthat · 07/01/2023 08:07

I'm doing exactly this.

I can't say I'm desperately unhappy in my marriage, because he's a decent man and we do have some common interests. He irritates me a fair bit, but we don't have raging arguments.

There is no intimacy at all any more (down to him, long story) so I don't feel it is a "happy marriage" for me. The thing is, he earns 10x what I do, so we have a financially comfortable life. If we divorced, yes I'd get roughly half of everything, but I'd have to budget carefully and probably wouldn't be able to afford nice holidays.

Therefore I choose to stay because it's comfortable...I get a life that's free from financial worry, he basically gets a live in housekeeper. It's not ideal, but for now I've decided it's better than the alternative.

sageandrosemary · 07/01/2023 08:11

I think it sounds fine.

KangarooKenny · 07/01/2023 08:36

I’m very similar to catsnthat.
Nice kind DH. He irritates the shit out of me frequently, but that might be part him and part my hormones.
Separate bedrooms due to him, no sex.
He earns much more than me so we are comfortable, and he looks after the kids/pets when I’m working. I can’t see me going in holiday if I was alone.

Notmyyearthisyear · 07/01/2023 09:06

Following with interest. It’s quite a refreshing thread for MN.

RP2211 · 07/01/2023 09:11

KangarooKenny · 07/01/2023 08:36

I’m very similar to catsnthat.
Nice kind DH. He irritates the shit out of me frequently, but that might be part him and part my hormones.
Separate bedrooms due to him, no sex.
He earns much more than me so we are comfortable, and he looks after the kids/pets when I’m working. I can’t see me going in holiday if I was alone.

If you're happy and content with this then that's all that matters.

Xrays · 07/01/2023 09:19

There’s a lot to be said for financial security, especially as you get older. People underestimate the value of stability. That said, of course no one should stay with someone who’s abusive etc, that’s different. I’d rather be penniless than that (and I was, when I left my abusive ex when dd was 6 months old 20 years ago).

KangarooKenny · 07/01/2023 09:23

RP2211 · 07/01/2023 09:11

If you're happy and content with this then that's all that matters.

Show quote history

I can’t say that I am happy, but I’ve thought about the alternative and I think that would be worse, so I’m sticking with the lesser of two evils !

bsgxjendj · 07/01/2023 09:49

Antst · 07/01/2023 07:55

I remember being shocked the first time a friend said something similar. Since then, I've met so many people who either say they have the same attitude or seem to!

Let me guess: your friend is good-looking and good in social situations, right? So I wouldn't feel too sorry for the husband. He's getting something out of this too. I find that people often see men as victims in these situations, but the thing is, they wouldn't marry anyone like me (I work long hours and don't have time to get my nails done, don't think tanning is healthy, and have poor parents).

I often wonder if people who say this sort of thing actually mean it or it's that they lack the ability to state that the initial passion has worn off and they've settled into a calmer relationship. Who knows.

It seems immature to whinge that he's not creative when she married him knowing his personality full well! A mature person would taken responsibility and either not marry him to begin with or learn to appreciate him for what he is. She sounds like a teen, dreaming of her perfect man and resenting the one she has because he doesn't fit the perfect picture. Her idea of herself seems precious and pretentious. She wants to have an image of being romantic and creative. That's her identity. But she doesn't acknowledge that that's only possible because she's living off him--his inheritance and what sounds like his greater effort with the business.

Like I said though, he clearly wants to have a wife like her and I bet he understands on some level that they have a transactional relationship.

Very true!

BabyOnBoard90 · 07/01/2023 09:55

Leaving the marriage, while it can lead to instability, will ultimately lead to a new equilibrium.

If its over, man or woman, then leave.

RP2211 · 07/01/2023 09:58

KangarooKenny · 07/01/2023 09:23

I can’t say that I am happy, but I’ve thought about the alternative and I think that would be worse, so I’m sticking with the lesser of two evils !

Show quote history

That's really sad that you're not happy. I hope you find peace with your decision.

Perime · 07/01/2023 10:04

I can understand why people would stay with mediocre rather than jump back into dating when you read some of the stories on here.

SpareHeirOverThere · 07/01/2023 10:27

I think people can have some very unreasonable expectations about what a good longterm relationship is.

Being in a place where all your needs are met - safe, comfortable, financially secure, pursuing interests rather than working to survive, a good circle of friends, a successful business, a friendly relationship with your spouse or partner - can make a person wonder which bits are missing. Like being 'in love', great sex, a sparky connection to a lover.

So. What do we think the odds are that your friend will find that bit she's missing, and keep all the rest?

She sounds honest and very, very practical (despite her assertion that she's not the practical one). She misses that spark, but she values what she has. That's perhaps just a grounded person understanding that she not have it all, but she's happy with what she's got. Or content with it.

She might meet someone else. He might. Or she might find a new passion that comes from her creativity and her friendships.

Curlyyy · 07/01/2023 10:32

Name changed for this as don't want it linked to my other posts but this is me really.

I feel harsh admitting it as my husband isn't a bad guy or even a bad husband really but I'm not in love with him and I do think we are very different in a lot of ways.

But at the same time, we get on very well, we have young DC, we are financially pretty comfortable and life is fine. I do sometimes think I could probably be happier with someone else but at the same time, I'm not unhappy, I chose this and my children don't deserve a split family just so I can go and test out some other relationships. If we were at each others throats and really unhappy then absolutely I'd think it best to split but just because I'm not "in love" and the happiest I could possibly be? No, I'm okay living with this for the benefits and as I said, my husband is like my best friend too a lot of the time so I don't feel any strong need to leave.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/01/2023 10:38

I would say that your friend is very likely to have an affair.

Curlyyy · 07/01/2023 10:44

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/01/2023 10:38

I would say that your friend is very likely to have an affair.

Me either.

I feel similarly to your friend and I've never considered an affair. Perhaps because I'm not actually unhappy. No way I'd risk the stability of my marriage for myself and in the main my DC to have an affair.

Sandra1984 · 07/01/2023 10:46

I find it fascinating how a woman staying in a marriage for money is OK but a prostitute having sex in exchange of money is completely frowned upon or seen as a “victim”. MN is a funny place.

The patriarchy really did a number on us.

Unhappymumma · 07/01/2023 10:52

I think this is extremely common. Especially when things cost as much as they do at the moment. If children are involved even more so.

mac1974 · 07/01/2023 10:53

I think it's quite a complex issue. A few years ago I seriously contemplated leaving my DH. I really didn't like being with him. No particular reason that I can pinpoint but I just kept giving it a bit longer. I'm not sure what changed but now I'm happy again. Don't get me wrong we aren't romantic and in the throes of passion but we get along well, have a decent sex life (as much as you can with kids) we respect each other, work well as a team & with the kids, have similar goals and yes, he does earn more than me which obviously benefits my lifestyle. I also work but my job gives me time to collect the kids/run the family/life admin side & he couldn't do his job without me doing that. I'm of an age where I see friends splitting up and I can absolutely see that for some of them it's the right thing to do but not everything is black and white.

KangarooKenny · 07/01/2023 10:58

Sandra1984 · 07/01/2023 10:46

I find it fascinating how a woman staying in a marriage for money is OK but a prostitute having sex in exchange of money is completely frowned upon or seen as a “victim”. MN is a funny place.

The patriarchy really did a number on us.

But some of us aren’t having sex, so we’re not getting ‘paid’ for that.
My DH knows that I don’t love him, but he chooses to stay together. I can’t say categorically that I will stay.

Flamintula · 07/01/2023 11:01

I think many people confuse lust and dependency with love. Or possibly even confuse a fear of being left alone with love. I have been convinced I've been in love. I would probably say I love dh, but I don't think I really do. Mind you, as I get older, i don't think I actually love anyone.

But then, what actually is love, when you drill down into it? The manics called it a 'finely tuned jealousy' and I often think that sums it up. I like dh; I still fancy him, but Whereas years ago, the thought of being without him devastated me, now I know I'd just crack on.