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Original poster

Staying in a relationship for financial reasons

229 replies

Tonto37 · 09/06/2023 18:31

With the current financial climate I think more and more people will be doing this. It can be a direct choice between being in an emotionally toxic house or having extreme financial difficulties.

What's the longest you have had to do this for? Anyone done it for a decade or more?

I'll be doing it until I no longer have to pay maintenance payments and the kids have grown up. I would love to leave my partner. I won't have a bad word to say about her but the relationship is doomed. I've felt this way for the past 2 years and it's growing by the week. As for the kids, I put them on the planet so I will take responsibility and make sure I provide for them every way. Therefore it looks like I could be living with someone I don't want to for the next 10 years.

For context for this thread, my partner works part time on NMW. I'm on above average wages but some way away from being able to live reasonably well whilst paying out 16% each month.

I know there'll be people out there in a much worse position than me and I really do feel sorry for them, men and women.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 03/12/2023 11:09

DidiAskYouThough · 03/12/2023 11:01

Thanks. Yes in this case it makes no difference. I'm pleased that is the case as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 03/12/2023 21:15

Good luck to anyone who is struggling out there. I know Christmas is an emotive time where many reflect to happier days gone by

OP posts:
appalledandtired · 03/12/2023 22:11

why don't you like your wife @Tonto37

appalledandtired · 03/12/2023 22:11

just being nosy...

Epidote · 03/12/2023 22:16

You are unhappy, she is unhappy can you both make a plan to change works and make more money? I don't think you can make 10 years like that. It would be the purgatory on earth for both of you.

1975wasthebest · 03/12/2023 22:44

Well done for giving up the booze. I did the same recently and agree it makes a huge difference to your wellbeing. I'm single but house share and I know the single life is expensive. I appreciate that paying rent and bills for a three bedroom house may be financially crippling, if you leave her and your two kids stay over.

I'm really confused about a few things, though. You say you'd in the event of you leaving you'd let her have all your savings, and that you'd give her a lump sum from your work, but why? Why leave yourself financially vulnerable when you'd be paying maintenance and your bills as well?

Original poster
Tonto37 · 04/12/2023 19:35

appalledandtired · 03/12/2023 22:11

why don't you like your wife @Tonto37

Just don't think we're compatible. Drifted apart. No physical connection anymore. Lots of arguments. In time I think I could meet someone more suitable. We've been through a lot together and there's respect there.

OP posts:
MagicBullet · 04/12/2023 19:41

1975wasthebest · 03/12/2023 22:44

Well done for giving up the booze. I did the same recently and agree it makes a huge difference to your wellbeing. I'm single but house share and I know the single life is expensive. I appreciate that paying rent and bills for a three bedroom house may be financially crippling, if you leave her and your two kids stay over.

I'm really confused about a few things, though. You say you'd in the event of you leaving you'd let her have all your savings, and that you'd give her a lump sum from your work, but why? Why leave yourself financially vulnerable when you'd be paying maintenance and your bills as well?

Maybe he feels guilty.

Guilty because he knows he is going to leave her in the shit, part time job on
MW when he doesn’t dare leave because he isn’t earning enough (on a full time wage and better paid). And when he has had plenty of time to get his head around it, plan his finances etc… she won’t.

Original poster
Tonto37 · 04/12/2023 19:43

1975wasthebest · 03/12/2023 22:44

Well done for giving up the booze. I did the same recently and agree it makes a huge difference to your wellbeing. I'm single but house share and I know the single life is expensive. I appreciate that paying rent and bills for a three bedroom house may be financially crippling, if you leave her and your two kids stay over.

I'm really confused about a few things, though. You say you'd in the event of you leaving you'd let her have all your savings, and that you'd give her a lump sum from your work, but why? Why leave yourself financially vulnerable when you'd be paying maintenance and your bills as well?

Thanks, hope you can continue to stay off the booze as well. It took me a few months to really feel the benefits.

When I say all my savings I'm only talking about 5 grand. She would need it to buy a car. Also she could stay in the house with no pressure to sell it for the best part of a decade (till youngest DD is 18.) Obviously I would hope for her to buy her share from me before then but there'd be no pressure to sell it. The mortgage is relatively small so if she worked full time she could buy it off me. She would keep all the contents of the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 04/12/2023 19:44

MagicBullet · 04/12/2023 19:41

Maybe he feels guilty.

Guilty because he knows he is going to leave her in the shit, part time job on
MW when he doesn’t dare leave because he isn’t earning enough (on a full time wage and better paid). And when he has had plenty of time to get his head around it, plan his finances etc… she won’t.

Show quote history

Absolutely correct.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 04/12/2023 19:46

Epidote · 03/12/2023 22:16

You are unhappy, she is unhappy can you both make a plan to change works and make more money? I don't think you can make 10 years like that. It would be the purgatory on earth for both of you.

Everyone wants to make more money, easier said than done. I'm confident I will gain another promotion in next year or 2 but nothing is guaranteed.

OP posts:
MagicBullet · 04/12/2023 21:00

Tonto37 · 04/12/2023 19:44

Absolutely correct.

Show quote history

Thank you fir recognising that.
It takes some gut to say it.

Epidote · 04/12/2023 21:02

@Tonto37 even if is two years at least it is not 10. I got the impression that both of you are out the relationship and you only remain together for the sake of your status quo, which seems not no be great but at least put a roof above all of you.

Quitelikeit · 04/12/2023 21:21

Can’t you move in with your parents? Or rent a room somewhere?

Would she really take the full maintenance amount?

Reach an agreement maybe which means it is doable to leave?

I mean you could die next week!

I think it’s appalling that you are not allowed out - clearly the woman is controlling. In your scenario my husband would offer to do the school run without hesitation! Or ever mentioning it again

You do need to live your life. I vomited for years every time I had a drink but then it randomly stopped. I don’t mean just one drink though maybe about 6! I think it was from mixing them up.

We have both been sick over the years yes maybe not a lot but I can’t understand why that would bother someone

Original poster
Tonto37 · 04/12/2023 21:22

Epidote · 04/12/2023 21:02

@Tonto37 even if is two years at least it is not 10. I got the impression that both of you are out the relationship and you only remain together for the sake of your status quo, which seems not no be great but at least put a roof above all of you.

It could be 10 if I don't get promoted. We still have some alright days where I think it's not not too bad. I don't take lightly having a roof over my head though. There's people out there who don't have that

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 04/12/2023 21:23

Interesting how you think you should leave

why not talk to her and tell her the financial predicament you are in and see if she can offer a solution?

As then she’d be holding you back knowing full well you were staying out of necessity

Original poster
Tonto37 · 04/12/2023 21:29

Quitelikeit · 04/12/2023 21:21

Can’t you move in with your parents? Or rent a room somewhere?

Would she really take the full maintenance amount?

Reach an agreement maybe which means it is doable to leave?

I mean you could die next week!

I think it’s appalling that you are not allowed out - clearly the woman is controlling. In your scenario my husband would offer to do the school run without hesitation! Or ever mentioning it again

You do need to live your life. I vomited for years every time I had a drink but then it randomly stopped. I don’t mean just one drink though maybe about 6! I think it was from mixing them up.

We have both been sick over the years yes maybe not a lot but I can’t understand why that would bother someone

The thing is I couldn't just rent a room because I'd want to have them for sleep overs.

I don't think she's in a position not to take the full maintenance payment and I'd be uncomfortable not paying the full amount.

You make a good point about living my life. Sometimes I do feel like I'm missing out. I work with lads who get 'day passes' out by their OH haha.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 04/12/2023 21:32

Quitelikeit · 04/12/2023 21:23

Interesting how you think you should leave

why not talk to her and tell her the financial predicament you are in and see if she can offer a solution?

As then she’d be holding you back knowing full well you were staying out of necessity

If I told her she'd want to leave immediately or not stop going on about it

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 04/12/2023 21:33

Well you are making an awful lot of sacrifices here

Why not at least say you’ll sleep at your parents house following your night out?

It’s absolutely crazy that you can’t go out with your friends?

God you must be lonely, sad and bored at times!

You do know that if you have the children 50/50 then there’s no maintenance due? Or the more you have them then less maintenance is due?

Quitelikeit · 04/12/2023 21:34

I’d be surprised if you can keep this going for another ten years

Resentment is like drinking your own poison

Quitelikeit · 04/12/2023 21:36

You are giving this woman an awful lot of control.

You need to live your life.

My husband would have a breakdown if he wasn’t allowed to go out and I’d never dream of withholding friendships from him. They’re so important to self worth etc we all need that social interaction from time to time

Original poster
Tonto37 · 04/12/2023 22:29

Quitelikeit · 04/12/2023 21:33

Well you are making an awful lot of sacrifices here

Why not at least say you’ll sleep at your parents house following your night out?

It’s absolutely crazy that you can’t go out with your friends?

God you must be lonely, sad and bored at times!

You do know that if you have the children 50/50 then there’s no maintenance due? Or the more you have them then less maintenance is due?

I wouldn't want to burden my parents with that.

Sometimes it got me down but I got used to it.

I think they'd be best with their mother the majority of the time and they would prefer that. I'll pay her what she's entitled to

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 04/12/2023 22:31

I've done 2.5 years so far wanting to leave. Relationship in total has been 16 years or so. In 10 years time I will be way passed my prime but in a much better position

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonto37 · 04/12/2023 22:34

Quitelikeit · 04/12/2023 21:36

You are giving this woman an awful lot of control.

You need to live your life.

My husband would have a breakdown if he wasn’t allowed to go out and I’d never dream of withholding friendships from him. They’re so important to self worth etc we all need that social interaction from time to time

The thing is if I left I wouldn't have the money to live my life, so in many ways I'd be no further forward. For context for this thread I'm on the UK average wage.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 04/12/2023 23:01

Have you thought about living in a static? There are some amazing sites and even better if you have one on your door step

I’m not sure you actually do want to go, I think you feel very safe with your setup

Are you allowed out of you don’t drink?