Staying in a relationship for financial reasons

[Tonto37]

With the current financial climate I think more and more people will be doing this. It can be a direct choice between being in an emotionally toxic house or having extreme financial difficulties.

What's the longest you have had to do this for? Anyone done it for a decade or more?

I'll be doing it until I no longer have to pay maintenance payments and the kids have grown up. I would love to leave my partner. I won't have a bad word to say about her but the relationship is doomed. I've felt this way for the past 2 years and it's growing by the week. As for the kids, I put them on the planet so I will take responsibility and make sure I provide for them every way. Therefore it looks like I could be living with someone I don't want to for the next 10 years.

For context for this thread, my partner works part time on NMW. I'm on above average wages but some way away from being able to live reasonably well whilst paying out 16% each month.

I know there'll be people out there in a much worse position than me and I really do feel sorry for them, men and women.

Sounds like me. I was trapped for about eight years. I just couldn't see how I could afford to get my own place. Eventually I moved back into my old childhood home. Lived with my mum. Back in my childhood bedroom. I couldn't of been happier.

It all sounds really positive OP and you're right when stuck in a bad relationship it's more important to look after yourself. It's also harder of course. Reliance on alcohol to cope isn't a place it's ever good to be. Is it possible she found your alcohol consumption worrying? I understand why you're doing what you're doing, sometimes there are no good options, but even leaving unfairness to your wife aside, I wouldn't want to be that unhappy for a decade. I'm glad to see things are going a little better for you both.

I do think you need to find a way to impress on her how important it is she goes full time or retrains. Even leaving your plan to leave out of its not great to be so reliant on one income when you don't have to be. Have you spoken about that, the risks with COL crisis, you might get sick and not be able to work, all sorts can happen in life and it's much safer to have 2 full time wages to rely on.

Have you /not only asked her if she'd like to retrain but really encouraged her by making it clear you'll step up with the house and kids so she can do so? I don't mean suggesting her mum or your mum support her in it, I mean you fully supporting her including taking on the mental load with the children. For both your sakes and for your children if you're going to do this you need to find a way to live it not happily at least contently with the path you've chosen.

@EliflurtleTripanInfinite

I don’t even understand why he wants her to retrain as he would still need to pay maintenance regardless of her income.

@Tonto37 it seems like you are somehow giving up. Ten years ago I was unemployed with less that 200 pounds. Now I got a mortgaged house. There are opportunities to improve outside the comfort zone. Sometimes we have to make decisions that are not fantastic in the short term but are good for the rest of our lives.

You can stay if that is your decision, your married won't be the only one that it is alive for others reasons beside the love. But there are options as well.

Think about it and good luck with whatever you decided at the end.

At least partially it's guilt driven. It also looks better to leave your ex when they're financially secure. I expect there's some residual feeling too, decent people don't want to see someone they once loved struggling. It's also sort of the least he should do if he's going to use up a decade of her life on a relationship that's already over. He said himself she wouldn't stick around if she knew he was done.

I do think that people need to be financially pragmatic at times, but potentially sticking around for a decade in a relationship that's already over sounds like a great way to end up full of regret.

This is all well and good but for goodness sake please be open with your wife about it.

My husband blindsided me 2 days after our youngest’s last a-level exam. He’d been having an affair for four years. He is the higher earner (10x what I earn) because I had been carrying the load at home for 20+ years while he was off behaving like he was single when I wasn’t looking.

Had I known what was round the corner I would have been WAY more selfish and focused more on my professional development and getting myself financially independent. I would have insisted he took on at least 50% of the responsibilities at home in order to facilitate that. But I didn’t do that because I thought we were a team and that my highest point of contribution to our family was to facilitate his career advancement.

It may be your wife doesn’t have the bandwidth to focus on her career as you’ve suggested because she’s possibly in a similar position to how my life was.

Can I suggest another way to look at it?

Im assuming that your starting point is for you two to share the dcs 50/50 right?
What about putting things in place now so this is possible in two years time? So life is organised in such way that you do half of the childcare, she does the other half (or pay for that childcare) and then you can BOTH work full time?
You get involved in school stuff, after school activities etc… just like you would be if you had the dcs 50/50.

I mean I get that it would be much easier to have the dcs ‘for a sleepover’ only (so I imagine EOW). No childcare or after school to pay. No holiday club etc…. No mental load. You get to do the fun stuff.

But if we are talking about guilt and realising she’ll have fuck all to live on, then starting with a real 50/50 split now and later is what would be the fairest tbh.

What do you call ‘living your life’ though?

Are we talking putting food on the table and having the heating on or are we talking having a holiday once a year, going out to the pub etc…?

You’re never going to keep the same standard of living once you are single again unless it’s your dwife that takes on all the burden of raising your two dcs.
I suspect this would be the same re the mental load, time for yourself etc…

Never thought about a static but it's a good suggestion that I'll consider.

Yes I feel very safe. It's habit and familiarity. Plus I like my home and worked hard for it. Whatever happens my kids will remain in it, they won't have to face the upheaval of moving. That is because the mortgage is relatively small

Yes I'm allowed out if I don't drink

I would be able to just about survive in terms of shelter, heating, food but that would be it. Socialising or dare I say it, dating, wouldn't be possible.

Without the maintenance payments I would be quite comfortable but thats a while off.

Thanks for your kind post.

I have suggested it to her but she doesn't seem interested. I have talked about removing the barriers with childcare. I work from home twice a week already and do the school run. Soon there'll be no school run anyway.

I think she is lacking the confidence and/or motivation. And I know what you mean about retraining, but it's easier said than done as you know.

It's hard to describe what this feels like. It's like being in a cage. I don't think she found it worrying, but it should have been as it wasn't good for my health.

Don't think her or the kids would want 50 50 split.

Also financially she could be getting around 500 quid from me that she would have to work for if it was not 50 50. So don't think it's the best move for her either.

It is incredibly selfish to stay with someone for potentially another 10 years so you don’t have to pay maintenance. It sounds like you’re the one who has checked out the relationship and only staying to avoid financial burden. The poor woman sounds like she’s clinging to hope you’ll change or change your mind which doesn’t sound to be the case so you need to leave and let her move on. You could be robbing her of a new life with someone who loves her and makes her happy but because you don’t want the cost of maintenance your depriving her of that. Equally if I new my husband felt like you I would end the marriage, to know someone is only with you due to money must be heartbreaking so I wouldn’t be putting up with that

It's exhausting and mentally hard as well having to act every day. As the days and weeks go on, financial problems don't seem to be that off-putting.

That’s not the point.
You should have 50% of the HW, parenting and responsibility fir your own dcs already.
This would allow your dwife to work full time, to earn more (better fur her, you as a couple etc…). It would allow your dwife to build up a pension too, just like you are.

As for the £500, have you also added building her pension, loss of income (because no career progression possible, let alone what will happen once the dcs have left home)?
Have you included changes in benefits she will receive too? Or not (see the new rules the government wants to introduce).

Youve made your calculation your way so it works for you.
I can tell you I’d rather work for those £500. They’ll be mine. I wouldn’t be dependent on my ex (eg losing their job….)
I could decide to work on my career, to change job etc etc…

As for the kids not being happy with it… maybe that’s because you don’t actually do much with them? Because usually children want to see their father!

Ofc, it would be much harder for you if you had the dcs 50% of the time. But really that shouldnt be up to you to decide.
Even though we all know fathers do decide and leave mothers with all the hardwork and restricted opportunities. Again. Because unlike them, mothers don’t usually decide they will have nothing to do with their kids apart from 2 days EOW and &500 a month.

Btw her attitude to retraining or working full time might well be VERY different if she knew you want out as soon as you can….

If she still working on the original assumption that you are a team, she won’t be analysing the pros and cons in the same way.
A bit too easy to say ‘oh she just lacks self esteem’ or she just doesn’t want to…..

Btw it’s much harder to keep your self confidence re work when you’ve been put if the workforce.
peg because it didn’t make sense to pay for childcare ‘because her wage didn’t cover it’…..

Similarly to the poster above, I think you’d find her motivation to retrain or go full-time would change rapidly if you told her your plans to leave. Currently she’s got no incentive to get more money for herself and this is part of the issue.

Under no circumstances could I pay her more than the maintenance money in a month, if you are talking about pensions and her loss of earnings etc.

I can and will do my best to facilitate her being able to work on a full time basis though.

That my point!!
You cannot cover that with CM because CM isn’t for that! It’s to pay for the dcs - their shoes, clothes, food etc…

Which is why saying she is better off with your CM is a really reductive way of looking at things.

You are restricting her options to the one that works for you Wo looking at the whole picture - and assuming it’s ‘better fir her to have the dcs full time’ and fir you to pay CM
It is not, certainly not in the long term.

It’s hard to do but you just need to leave. You’re not only depriving your wife of a potential new happier life but also yourself. If in a years time things get worse with your mental health from keeping this act up, that won’t be good for the children to see. It may be tough to leave to begin with the fear of the unknown but you will be ok

I'll give her every penny of our savings so she can buy a car because the current car is in my name.

I'll let her stay in the house until the youngest is 18. Only at this point would I ask her to sell/buy her share off me. This is allowing her to avoid the hassle of moving and will help her financially (versus private rent.)

She will carry forward no debt.

I will adapt my working pattern to spend 50% of my time to allow her to work on a full time basis if she wishes.

I can't commit more money or time than that.

Have to agree on this. I know it would be much less than ideal living with randoms in a houseshare, or maybe you could get a studio, but the situation is taking its toll on you and, in time, your children.

It's mentally exhausting. The problem I have is I'd near somewhere where the DCs could spend time

Life's too short. You may look back at some point and wish you'd not wasted years.

So your plan is not to tell her until your youngest is 18 that you are going to leave. She will be left on NMW, she will be unlikely to get a mortgage with a part time job and a low salary. She will also be entitled to benefits for a single person only as the children will both be over 18 and there will be no maintenance payments. She will be entitled to a rental amount in UC for a one bedroom place as you have said you will sell the house when the youngest is 18.

If you really want to be fair to her you have to tell her. She probably doesn't believe in her heart that you will actually leave. If, as you say, things have improved she might even believe that you are trying to save the relationship.

You will be in a better financial situation with your improved salary and the sale proceeds from the house but she is going to be screwed.

Yes in an ideal world she would be ensuring that she is in a financially secure position but you need to be honest with her so that she is fully informed. She needs to get a full time job now. You are basically protecting your own interests and pretending to her that you still want to be in the marriage. I call that downright cruel.