Toxic relationship voice recordings

[karisa282]

Hi my husband has been voice recording me without my consent for the last 8 years
he is from iraq and I am half Iraqi but raised in the U.K.
in April after 2 years of me asking he agreed to have another child as long as I agreed that we would visit iraq in the next few months and contribute to the bills -
yesterday he showed me the recording and I was devastated he recorded me. I told him I’m not sure about going to iraq as it’s very polluted there and his parents just came to visit us here 5 months ago but he’s adamant that we have to go there. And I should pay half the trip. If i don’t agree to Iraq he said we won’t go abroad anywhere else forever ( Spain etc ) and I will be responsible for the misery.

incident 3 days ago: I tell kids nicely at night : daddy will read you a story
he then barks : DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO

i then got so upset I threatened him and I drove away and my dad had to come and speak to us . My dad said husband shouldn’t shout but husband said I provoke him as he told me many times that he doesn’t always want to read the story and I should ask him nicely.

he has kept recordings from years ago and said it’s because he doesn’t trust me ( I have autism and bpd and in the past if he said something I didn’t like I would lash out and try to take his phone away which would lead to me scratching his arm unintentionally)

I feel I am being extorted. Yesterday we had a big fight as I wanted to sleep alone in bed and I lay horizontally so there would be no room for him but he still insisted Its his bed too- then I walked out at night I bumped into his rear bumper when I found out about all his voice recordings- his car has a small chipped scratch only. I tried to take his phone away but he resisted and he shouted into the recording “ stop hitting me” but I was only trying to take phone away.

when he saw his car he rushed back in and smashed a painting off wall and chucked some of my stuff out the window.
when we were back inside he looked for the cctv footage of me bumping into his car but it did not appear but he made me admit it verbally into his voice recorder. If I didn’t he was going to call police and he did call them but hung up.

we can’t discuss divorce As he might be recording and he told me to assume that he’s always recording. I told him his recordings are inadmissible in any court but he said police can view them.
I want to leave and take kids to another part of the U.K. but I feel trapped if leave he will show the recordings to police and get custody. I’m very stressed and can’t sleep while he sleeps very well.

Jesus he's a lunatic go and talk to a solicitor call the police and tell them he's voice recording you all the time but most of all get away from him

Speak to woman's aid for support and advice.
It unfortunately sounds like your relationship has run it's course.

It doesn't sound like either if you are happy in your relationship. It also sounds to me like he has been recording to get evidence against you for when you do file for divorce.

It's his phone let him record if he wants to. You can put it down in your grounds for divorce.
Start recording him back. Ask him politely to read to the kids if he snaps back you have his temper recoded also. Two can play that nasty game. As I suspect all his recording will be off an upset peedoff you! Always showing him as the hero - good guy!

As for the holiday tell him you can't afford half if you don't want to go. Save and take the kids away to Spain on your own. If you leave the man that's what you would have to do anyway.If you stay with him and chose to go to Spain let him pay for himself.

As for the police if he ran and then put the phone down I'm surprised they didn't ring back or turn up at the house to check why the phone went dead. Are you sure he rang them?

Good Luck OP sounds like your farther will support you 💐

Can’t take kids abroad without his permission he would report it as kidnap

I think you need to go to women's aid and the police about the recordings and the fake accusations on them.

Also "rights of women" - legal specialists.

Your post has been reported.

Your gas lighting and darvo'ing of this poster is absolutely despicable.

Get off the internet and go and get some psychological help.

This whole relationship sounds incredibly toxic on both sides.

He sounds incredibly controlling but tbh lashing out and damaging his car isn’t achieving anything. You need to walk away from this relationship.

If he’s recording you let him crack on. Assuming you haven’t done anything wrong you have nothing to far, and the fact that it’s on recording makes it harder for him to make unfounded allegations.

I wouldn’t want him to take the DC to Iraq either with or without you. He could stay there and never come back, keeping the children and you wouldn’t have any rights. You really need legal advice.

@karisa282 You are there mother you can take them out of the country unless for some reason you have no PR over them? In that case it will be tricky. Plenty of parents take the kids on holiday without there OH. Whether it's because they cannot have the time off work or have other commitments.

If you split up are you trying to say you could never leave the country with them? The same would be for him then the children would never go to Iraq to see his family. What's he gonna do if you book a trip to Wales (assuming you are in England) as its a different country!!!!

What if you choose to go to Briton or Cleethorpes? It's in England would it still be kidnap?

A holiday is the least of your worries at the minute.

It sounds to me that this man has played on your MH to manipulate you to thinking you he is right and knows everything. Google is your friend remember that 💐
I would suggest you look at counseling to help you with emotional support.
Good luck

Op you need to ask a friend to hide the dc's passports imo.
Then seen legal advice. Of course he can't use recordings against you. Unless he has proof you are involved with a drug cartel or similar.. Not just for being you in an abusive relationship..

Specifically about passports, I think if you engage a solicitor they can keep the children’s passports and write a letter to the Passport Agency stating they have kept them and they are not to reissue ‘lost’ passports without going through the solicitor. It is okay to hide them with a friend, but the father can then claim them as lost and get new ones. This stops that from being a possibility.

But he has recordings where he says “stop hitting me” when I’m just trying to get his phone off him to stop the recording but he makes it very difficult he’s 6”5 and has more strength

OP stop trying to get anything off him.
Leave him to record. It is his phone. You need to realise its his property you can't just snatch it off him. You wouldn't snatch a camera off a random in the street.
If he's bigger don't fight him or engage in behaviour that will lead to either of you getting hurt physically.
Have you contacted anyone over some advice?

He can have all the recordings in the world its not a video of you doing it. It still his word against your word.
However I would advise to stop retaliation the way you have been eg bumping his car.
Try to be calm and ignore him and his recordings.

You can’t live like this. Contact Women’s Aid and a good solicitor.

OP stop playing into his hands.

He can’t accuse you of hitting him if you’re not attempting to do anything. So what if he’s recording. I don’t agree with it fwiw but if you don’t rise to it then he’s got nothing. So let him crack on.

You are their mother you can take them out of the country unless for some reason you have no PR over them? In that case it will be tricky. Plenty of parents take the kids on holiday without their OH. Whether it's because they cannot have the time off work or have other commitments. technically that’s true, but legally you are supposed to have a letter from the other parent giving consent if you wish to take the children out of the country.

Most ports etc don’t check, but they can, and they can in the country you’re going to, and if he wanted to he absolutely could stop it from happening. Not within the UK, but definitely abroad if he was thus inclined.

I know of two people who were actually turned away at the border of the country they were visiting because they didn’t have a letter from an absent parent. In both instances it was an innocent oversight. If you have an amicable relationship with an ex then you just don’t think about permission letters and such, but if the split isn’t amicable then that is something you need to consider.

I have just done some reading and you can apply to the courts to get a letter to take them on holiday abroad if he won't grant permission.
Your life will not end if you end this relationship, chances are it will begin...

That is why a pp suggested you talk to women's aid about what he's doing. Speak to a professional and then it will be on the record that he's lying on the voice recordings.

Stop trying to get his phone off him. As you said, he's much bigger than you so you won't manage it, and he just uses it to accuse you of hurting him. So stop rising to the bait. Don't respond. Don't discuss divorce with him, don't discuss travelling, don't get in to any arguements.

Stop responding. That's what he wants you to do.

THis man is vile. He's abusive. He doesn't respect you as his equal. You would be so much happier without him.

Please seek support from people you trust, and go and see a solicitor and see what steps you need to take to leave him.

But don't discuss any of it with him. He will try to use it against you.

He has calmed down as I told him I will go visit his family
but he said if I change my mind again it can’t happen as I agreed to go back in April and he will make me pay more bills if I don’t go…. would videos showing his scratched arm be admissible even if they were taken without my permission
im so upset he has videos of me and backs them up as well where I’m very upset and vulnerable and screaming for him to give me the phone .

today when he got home he looked angry and told me to stop lying- I said what about ?
he said DONT LIE who did you tell today about what happened
I said I just told my parents … and he didn’t like that I told them I if I don’t go visit his family he threatens me with punishments

He also tells me why do I have the right to stop him seeing his family and taking the kids there
I told him they’re welcome to come here but I really don’t like iraq

him: you agreed in April to go to iraq in exchange for a baby so you have to go
he also made me sign a “contract” on his tablet that says I will spend on the baby , he will name the baby ( have the final say) and I will feed and make baby sleep.

Please, please speak to women's aid. What he is doing is abuse. You need to work out a plan how to get yourself and kids away safely xx

OP this is actually very simple. You would frankly be stupid to have another baby with this man. Don’t, whatever you do, have another baby with him.

There is no legal business contract between you that you can break op. It is supposed to be an equal relationship between 2 consenting adults. A marriage isn't how he is trying to portray it. You can't do anything wrong like he is saying. Take your dc and run.

Your husband sounds exactly like my ex. Hide passports with your friend right now. Don’t keep them in the house he will take them. Divorce him. It will take a long time and he will get even crazier but it’s worth it. It ain’t getting better. My ex threatened to take our passports and never give them back, recorded all our fights and sent it around. Don’t worry about him having recordings.

PS it’s true you can’t take kids abroad without his consent. You will have to go court to get permission for holidays until you a lives with order but he also can’t take them to Iraq without your consent.

He is abusive. Please contact Women’s Aid, see a solicitor and DON’T go to Iraq under any circumstances.

I know of someone whose ex husband took their toddler son there and she didn’t get to see him again until he was an adult. I don’t think Iraq is a signatory to The Hague Conventions and there isn’t a cat in hell’s chance you’ll see your children again if he and his family decide they should stay there.

Get a prohibited steps order to prevent him taking your children abroad too.

Please be careful OP. His behaviour will escalate if he doesn’t get his own way. I would be very worried about my own and my children’s safety in your position.