Toxic relationship voice recordings

[karisa282]

Hi my husband has been voice recording me without my consent for the last 8 years
he is from iraq and I am half Iraqi but raised in the U.K.
in April after 2 years of me asking he agreed to have another child as long as I agreed that we would visit iraq in the next few months and contribute to the bills -
yesterday he showed me the recording and I was devastated he recorded me. I told him I’m not sure about going to iraq as it’s very polluted there and his parents just came to visit us here 5 months ago but he’s adamant that we have to go there. And I should pay half the trip. If i don’t agree to Iraq he said we won’t go abroad anywhere else forever ( Spain etc ) and I will be responsible for the misery.

incident 3 days ago: I tell kids nicely at night : daddy will read you a story
he then barks : DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO

i then got so upset I threatened him and I drove away and my dad had to come and speak to us . My dad said husband shouldn’t shout but husband said I provoke him as he told me many times that he doesn’t always want to read the story and I should ask him nicely.

he has kept recordings from years ago and said it’s because he doesn’t trust me ( I have autism and bpd and in the past if he said something I didn’t like I would lash out and try to take his phone away which would lead to me scratching his arm unintentionally)

I feel I am being extorted. Yesterday we had a big fight as I wanted to sleep alone in bed and I lay horizontally so there would be no room for him but he still insisted Its his bed too- then I walked out at night I bumped into his rear bumper when I found out about all his voice recordings- his car has a small chipped scratch only. I tried to take his phone away but he resisted and he shouted into the recording “ stop hitting me” but I was only trying to take phone away.

when he saw his car he rushed back in and smashed a painting off wall and chucked some of my stuff out the window.
when we were back inside he looked for the cctv footage of me bumping into his car but it did not appear but he made me admit it verbally into his voice recorder. If I didn’t he was going to call police and he did call them but hung up.

we can’t discuss divorce As he might be recording and he told me to assume that he’s always recording. I told him his recordings are inadmissible in any court but he said police can view them.
I want to leave and take kids to another part of the U.K. but I feel trapped if leave he will show the recordings to police and get custody. I’m very stressed and can’t sleep while he sleeps very well.

Posting in case this is of use. the Muslim Woman’s Network UK provides a helpline for woman and children who may face additional obstacles to accessing support services, police help and similar due to faith and related cultural concerns and worries woman and children may have. It might be worth contacting them via their website or via their helpline numbers if faith and cultural expectations are making it harder to access support and help. I am concerned that from your posts here. You appear to be so very stuck in the prison made by the walls he has put up inside your head. This sounds like a very controlling man and to be honest I suspect he may be abusing your understanding of culture and faith to keep you well and truly trapped.
https://www.mwnuk.co.uk/mwn-helpline

Not one single poster has suggested that you confront him and ask him.

Other posters have shared heart breaking stories of how this happened to other mothers who thought it would never happen to them.

I understand that you are stressed and anxious but I wonder if you are listening to the careful advice that has been given to you.

Please phone the helpline linked to by @triballeader .

Please read all the links and contact the other organisations linked to upthread .

I don’t feel there’s any escape
i just told him I’m upset with the recordings and want them deleted and he said he needs them incase one day I tell police that he’s hurt me as he said the system is biased towards women.

he also said he’ll show them to courts if he doesn’t get the settlement he deserves from the house sale which is 50% of the profit sale

Then sit there and do nothing OP and let him do whatever he likes

Please contact Muslim Woman’s Network and tell them about the recordings and his threats of how he intends to use them. It is controlling and that is abuse.

The system he refers to will take a very dim view of what he is doing and that is why he is using everything he has to manipulate you from reaching out for help from the police, support networks and all.

Will you do what this poster says OP? You should.

There's no point at all talking to your husband about this. You seem to think you can reason with him if you ask him the right questions using the right words.

You can't. He is not reasonable. He is abusive and his goal is to ensure you keep doing what he tells you to do and behaving in the way he wants you to.

He doesn't care if you're happy or not, there's no incentive or reason for him to be a better husband.

You need to stop listening to his words and taking them as facts. Talk to some experts and listen to them. Muslim Women's Network and Women's Aid are good places to start.

My parents want to come to iraq with us and said if I’m intelligent I’ll go and win over his family
the staying in iraq forever scenario is not likely his uncle here in the U.K. is a very prominent citizen husband wouldn’t drag the family name in the papers by doing something like kidnapping

I will speak to them

Jeez for god's sake don't even think of going to Iraq. Have you ever read the book "Not without my daughter". Once he gets you there you will never be coming back.
If he is abusive now that is nothing compared to what he will be if he has you trapped in Iraq.

Yeah... I wouldn't listen to your parents on this one. It's not like they'd be delighted if you divorced, is it.

I’mstarting to think this thread is a reverse.

If I call police and tel them he’s threatening me with recordings he will say to them that I hit him trying to get his phone off him and then they’ll turn to look at me and what do I say? He’s not going to stay quiet

This is why you need to speak to Women's Aid / Muslim Women's Network OP. They'll be able to answer questions like this professionally with a wealth of knowledge behind them and your safety in mind.

Can you call them today somehow?

Will try but his schedule changed and he’s working from now today

I would wait until he's definitely not around to be on the safe side. But I do think it's really important to call professionals for some help as soon as physically possible. The other option is to book an appointment with your GP and ask them for help once you're there. They'll be able to help you make calls to appropriate helplines from the surgery.

Buy your own spy recorders or cameras and record him, hide them in various places around the house - play him at his own game.

He’s booked his car in at body shop soon and I’ll have to pay the 200 to fix the dent/scratch if I don’t he’s going to do the same to my car.
also have to pay for a window that’s not energy efficient and he doesn’t want to contribute to that as he doesn’t think it’s necessary. Next month I’ll have lots to pay but he said it’s fine as I work part time and get disability benefit. If I don’t contribute to bills next month he said he will stop paying them altogether

will call Muslim women’s helpline today

It sucks not knowing who is right
he shouts when I spend £X in supermarket as he said it’s his money in joint account too and I can’t just buy things without his consent. In the past I have got treats for myself like chocolate puddings but not an excessive amount.

I told him I recorded him too when he threw my stuff out the window and he wasn’t too bothered.
he could deny having the recordings and where would I get evidence for coercive control

“Survivors may be able to help the police by providing copies of emails, text messages or voicemail recordings, photographs of injuries or damage to property or other evidence which could aid them in their investigation.”

he has the dented photo of his car and photos of his arm showing scratches when i tried to get his phone off him years ago during recording
I don’t have any evidence like that and he won’t send me the “contract” he made me sign

These are all issues that you can discuss with the person on the helpline today .

Have you decided if you want to separate and divorce ? I know it’s hard but you need to focus on these big issues, what is best for you and the children.

Not unimportant things like chocolate pudding, a scratch on a car and copies of contacts.

You need to stop arguing with your husband about every tiny thing, it’s causing trouble and distracting you from protecting your children and planning a better future.

Are you on medication prescribed by you GP and are you taking it?

Have you taken advice yet....or don't you feel ready to make change ....it's coercive control yet again controlling finances keeping you under and making you feel guilty.

Their lines were busy so only option was to leave a voicemail

im on edge living like this im upstairs bathing my daughter and I hear him shout downstairs at DS because his shoe was on the sofa ( won’t have been deliberate by my DS)
I come down and say why was your voice raised and he tells me in angry tone
“are you coming down to be the big man what are you trying to say”

Op

I'm going to tell
You this as I hope it will reassure you

I'm a police officer here in the uk .

Forget the recording- it was made under duress and proves nothing.

Please follow this advice
1). Phone 101 when you are in a safe place to do so or walk into a police station enquiry desk . Tell them what ha been happening. All of it . They will make you an appointment to go to a police station - then you can tell them everything, they will record a crime of coercive control and if you give a statement they can act on it .

Because some of this is honour based they can refer you to karma nirvana. They specialise in helping women trapped in arranged marriages and understand very well the issues you are facing .

If the police want to arrest him (and they will) let them . He will be given bail conditions to stay away from you and not leave the country.

It is VITAL you DO NOT leave the country no matter what he says .

Let the police do
The work here and protect you and the children.

It will likely go to the public
Protection unit not a bog standard response cop - they will do the initial consult and record the crime but they will pass it to a more specialist dept.

Can you do that ?

Phone 101 - go outdoors for a walk or the shop so he cannot record you secretly- do NOT let him know . Or simply walk into a police station and tell the enquiry desk you need to report something. They will help
You .

If you ring 101 tell them it is not
Safe for
Them to
Come to you and you must go to the station as he must not know what you are doing . It would put you in danger - you need to
Go there as it's safe .