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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Toxic relationship voice recordings

230 replies

karisa282 · 08/06/2023 10:29

Hi my husband has been voice recording me without my consent for the last 8 years
he is from iraq and I am half Iraqi but raised in the U.K.
in April after 2 years of me asking he agreed to have another child as long as I agreed that we would visit iraq in the next few months and contribute to the bills -
yesterday he showed me the recording and I was devastated he recorded me. I told him I’m not sure about going to iraq as it’s very polluted there and his parents just came to visit us here 5 months ago but he’s adamant that we have to go there. And I should pay half the trip. If i don’t agree to Iraq he said we won’t go abroad anywhere else forever ( Spain etc ) and I will be responsible for the misery.

incident 3 days ago: I tell kids nicely at night : daddy will read you a story
he then barks : DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO

i then got so upset I threatened him and I drove away and my dad had to come and speak to us . My dad said husband shouldn’t shout but husband said I provoke him as he told me many times that he doesn’t always want to read the story and I should ask him nicely.

he has kept recordings from years ago and said it’s because he doesn’t trust me ( I have autism and bpd and in the past if he said something I didn’t like I would lash out and try to take his phone away which would lead to me scratching his arm unintentionally)

I feel I am being extorted. Yesterday we had a big fight as I wanted to sleep alone in bed and I lay horizontally so there would be no room for him but he still insisted Its his bed too- then I walked out at night I bumped into his rear bumper when I found out about all his voice recordings- his car has a small chipped scratch only. I tried to take his phone away but he resisted and he shouted into the recording “ stop hitting me” but I was only trying to take phone away.

when he saw his car he rushed back in and smashed a painting off wall and chucked some of my stuff out the window.
when we were back inside he looked for the cctv footage of me bumping into his car but it did not appear but he made me admit it verbally into his voice recorder. If I didn’t he was going to call police and he did call them but hung up.

we can’t discuss divorce As he might be recording and he told me to assume that he’s always recording. I told him his recordings are inadmissible in any court but he said police can view them.
I want to leave and take kids to another part of the U.K. but I feel trapped if leave he will show the recordings to police and get custody. I’m very stressed and can’t sleep while he sleeps very well.

OP posts:
DecemberMama21 · 08/07/2023 23:12

I’m sorry for what you are going through OP, your husband sounds exactly like my ex who is also born Iraqi. I have a legal background and the courts will have seen this type of manipulator before; it’s coercive control and you’ve done nothing wrong. Recording you and coercing you to say these things is wrong and abusive and it will not reflect badly on you. Please go to women’s aid and plan your steps, do you have a close friend you can talk to when he’s not around? You can also do a prohibited steps order to stop him taking the kids to Iraq.

MySugarBabyLove · 09/07/2023 00:58

Fgs what is the point of this thread? OP clearly doesn’t want help.

either that or she is actually the husband trying his ideas for size.

Original poster
karisa282 · 09/07/2023 13:08

I do but I don’t know what will happen when I tell the police he is controlling ? Will he be taken for a few days and then I’ll dread that he’ll be out at any time ?

OP posts:
wayyour · 09/07/2023 13:12

I've already posted a link, but I think you need to get out of this situation into a refuge. You would be helped to manage the situation, going forward, from there.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 09/07/2023 13:34

MySugarBabyLove · 09/07/2023 00:58

Fgs what is the point of this thread? OP clearly doesn’t want help.

either that or she is actually the husband trying his ideas for size.

Yes I’m beginning to wonder if this is a reverse and it’s the husband working out what to do with his wife.

Because the Op hasn’t acted on any of the good advice they have been given and just keeps going on about the recordings , time after time.

monsteramunch · 09/07/2023 13:50

karisa282 · 09/07/2023 13:08

I do but I don’t know what will happen when I tell the police he is controlling ? Will he be taken for a few days and then I’ll dread that he’ll be out at any time ?

OP what is stopping you from calling women's aid / Muslim women's network and asking them for their advice on this?

They are professionals and will be able to talk you through all the steps including what will happen if you report something to the police.

I think you know that if you speak to professionals they'll tell you that it is best for you and the kids for you to leave, and because you don't want to do that, you're not making contact with them.

But if you don't get help, you're allowing this man to hold you and the kids to ransom for the rest of your life.

Original poster
karisa282 · 09/07/2023 14:15

I called women’s aid they directed me to my local abuse service who said they will offer regular telephone support
Muslim aid offered advice on Islamic divorces but nothing specific about abuse

OP posts:
Original poster
karisa282 · 09/07/2023 14:21

It’s not husband he doesn’t have the insight to post about his problems

but I call police and make a complaint and even get a non molestation order he’s going to turn around and do the same thing

I don’t have any friends in real life and when people think this thread is actually by the husband it makes me feel even more alone
my mum has severe mental health issues and I can’t burden her anymore

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 09/07/2023 14:22

karisa282 · 09/07/2023 14:15

I called women’s aid they directed me to my local abuse service who said they will offer regular telephone support
Muslim aid offered advice on Islamic divorces but nothing specific about abuse

And have you spoken to the local abuse service that women's aid recommended you speak to? Because they will have lots of experience dealing with similar cases and be able to advise you, as recommended by women's aid.

Original poster
karisa282 · 09/07/2023 15:05

Yes I have I’m waiting for their regular telephone support
I have emailed some councils to try and start a homeless application but if I move out husband will try and get access to the kids and I don’t want him to know the new address
I also see 200 people bidding /viewing one property so it’s unlikely I’ll get a council house
also I’m filled with anger that he gets to live in the house I’ve contributed more than £50k deposit to

OP posts:
Original poster
karisa282 · 09/07/2023 18:34

Would we be able to stay here or have to move ? How long would they keep him away from us? If he can come back after a few days he’s going to be very angry

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 09/07/2023 18:38

karisa282 · 09/07/2023 18:34

Would we be able to stay here or have to move ? How long would they keep him away from us? If he can come back after a few days he’s going to be very angry

You need to call womens aid and ask them these questions OP. They will be able to give you solid, realistic and evidence based advice. It's important you get good advice from professionals like them so you can make informed decisions.

Greenflamesburn · 09/07/2023 18:38

You ring the police and strat the process.
If he comes back angry you ring the police.
He comes back again you ring the police.
They will definitely see a pattern.

Greenflamesburn · 09/07/2023 18:40

Write down all the questions you have for when you jave your telephone appointment.

Original poster
karisa282 · 09/07/2023 18:57

Women’s aid only seem to have online chat

OP posts:
Original poster
karisa282 · 09/07/2023 20:45

Yesterday at swimming I forgot my pants and so only had my shorts to walk back to the van and he said I’m “like a prostitute”

OP posts:
Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 09/07/2023 20:58

Professionals in dc can see truths op. They will believe YOU. .

Takeabreather23 · 10/07/2023 10:45

@karisa282 it would be over my dead body that I’d go to Iraq. Never willingly take my kids to never been seen again.
id also happily never go abroad anywhere else if it ment keeping my child in my life .
You can not trust this man he’s an abuser he’s been coercing you all along he know she in the wrong he knows how plan and that’s why you have cctv and he’s recording you .
ignore the recordings. The police aren’t interested and women’s aid have seen it all
before. I am only just out this situation myself you have to build up the strength to speak to women’s aid as soon a you do everything will happen so be ready .
protect your kids with your life . I wouldn’t worry about another child you need to protect the ones you have and run to a safer place .
There are many places in the uk he will never find you .
women’s aid and the police if you choose will help keep you and the kids safe
In your situation I wouldn’t be moving around the corner though.

Get out

Takeabreather23 · 10/07/2023 10:56

@karisa282 so bloody what !
he has you controlled with fear ! You need to see that this isn’t normal and the police know this too.
ffs tell them your side of the story if you have to and like others have said stop trying to get his phone .
wheh he is recording you say this instead
“good I’m glad stop are recording because im sick of your abuse and controlling and now there is proof when I myself call the police”

what are you actulay waiting on happening ? Do you what to loose your kids ? Do you trust his man ?
there’s not a chance he’s coming back from Iraq
and you aren’t either as you won’t leave your kids there !
You will be taught the biggest lesson of your life by him and his family .
this terrifies me . Why does it no terrify you ?

you are more scared of a recording on a phone I’d take my chances

listen to others who have been there .

Takeabreather23 · 10/07/2023 11:21

@karisa282 I’ve just read all your post and he’s got you where he wants you.
he’s for sure staying in Iraq he’s for kids from you he’s taking all your investment in property who’s also making you spend your cash on the tickets which you will never get back . Oh and if you book the tickets then you weren’t coerced too is what what playing at.
forget the proof he has he’s clutching at straws because he knows how he’s treating you and needs something to try say it you and not him .
who in a normal relationship records anyone ?
the police and women’s aid know the drill they know the pattern . And this is the pattern
you will be back here soon saying you have lost your children and you are stuck in iraq. Ffs why do you trust anything this man says.

Keep your money your going to need it .
use it for a deposit for a new home for the kids then put the for sale sign up .
You need an order through the courts to keep him away from you and I’d use a contact centre for the kids and no he doesn’t need to know your address of you do this the right way and use women’s aid
you need to call them and be specific tell then
you need out of the controlling relationship and your scares your kids are going to be taken to Iraq. Say they aren’t they will help you make sur they aren’t anyway

Original poster
karisa282 · 10/07/2023 13:43

I want to keep my funds but each month he wants my contribution the bill and if I don’t make it he won’t transfer and then bills won’t be paid and creditors might come

it’s a relief to know he doesn’t need my new address
why was I under the impression he could make the courts/police reveal my address and tell them I kidnapped the kids

OP posts:
Original poster
karisa282 · 10/07/2023 13:53

This is his message “

I don't mind separating if you accept to give me my right to have the kids as well and to give me my fair share of the house.”
As I want to have a house to let my kids stay in as well”

so if we split as a joint decision is that better than me walking out and taking kids

as he’s on the deeds i can’t sell the house without his permission

OP posts:
Greenflamesburn · 10/07/2023 14:02

The house can be removed off you both and the monies split once sold. Unless one of you can afford to buy the other out.
I'd go to a divorce solicitor today with his message.
Again a solicitor/courts can draw up a childcare agreement that has the kids best interests at heart, that you both have to stick to.
Personally I couldn't be with a man that used myself and the word prostitute in the same sentence.
You can do this OP 💪 You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
You can ask for as many professionals help as you want to support you.

Greenflamesburn · 10/07/2023 14:03

it’s a relief to know he doesn’t need my new address
why was I under the impression he could make the courts/police reveal my address and tell them I kidnapped the kids

It's probably something he has said in the past.
Considering your husband hates liars, he full of porky pies himself.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 10/07/2023 15:37

Try audio recording him on the sly. When you go downstairs to ask why he was shouting at DS, set your phone to record first.

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