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Original poster

Toxic relationship voice recordings

230 replies

karisa282 · 08/06/2023 10:29

Hi my husband has been voice recording me without my consent for the last 8 years
he is from iraq and I am half Iraqi but raised in the U.K.
in April after 2 years of me asking he agreed to have another child as long as I agreed that we would visit iraq in the next few months and contribute to the bills -
yesterday he showed me the recording and I was devastated he recorded me. I told him I’m not sure about going to iraq as it’s very polluted there and his parents just came to visit us here 5 months ago but he’s adamant that we have to go there. And I should pay half the trip. If i don’t agree to Iraq he said we won’t go abroad anywhere else forever ( Spain etc ) and I will be responsible for the misery.

incident 3 days ago: I tell kids nicely at night : daddy will read you a story
he then barks : DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO

i then got so upset I threatened him and I drove away and my dad had to come and speak to us . My dad said husband shouldn’t shout but husband said I provoke him as he told me many times that he doesn’t always want to read the story and I should ask him nicely.

he has kept recordings from years ago and said it’s because he doesn’t trust me ( I have autism and bpd and in the past if he said something I didn’t like I would lash out and try to take his phone away which would lead to me scratching his arm unintentionally)

I feel I am being extorted. Yesterday we had a big fight as I wanted to sleep alone in bed and I lay horizontally so there would be no room for him but he still insisted Its his bed too- then I walked out at night I bumped into his rear bumper when I found out about all his voice recordings- his car has a small chipped scratch only. I tried to take his phone away but he resisted and he shouted into the recording “ stop hitting me” but I was only trying to take phone away.

when he saw his car he rushed back in and smashed a painting off wall and chucked some of my stuff out the window.
when we were back inside he looked for the cctv footage of me bumping into his car but it did not appear but he made me admit it verbally into his voice recorder. If I didn’t he was going to call police and he did call them but hung up.

we can’t discuss divorce As he might be recording and he told me to assume that he’s always recording. I told him his recordings are inadmissible in any court but he said police can view them.
I want to leave and take kids to another part of the U.K. but I feel trapped if leave he will show the recordings to police and get custody. I’m very stressed and can’t sleep while he sleeps very well.

OP posts:
Shoutatthewind · 09/06/2023 12:13

he is using coercive control and abusing you. He will never let you go back with your children from Iraq if you do go. Where you do need to go is the police as what he has done, recording you for 8 years is illegal. Ring the police or go there, either way you should not go to Iraq with him, and dont consent in him taking he kids with him as you may never see them again. He is using the recording as way to coerce you into submission which is abusive and illegal in the UK, also in the UK you have to consent to him taking the kids on his own. Hide passports and get a divorce. There are many in your position who have been subjected to this, who cave in, go to a place like Iraq then the life as they knew it has turned into a nightmare.

Original poster
karisa282 · 09/06/2023 12:22

yes I contacted women’s aid and they gave me details for dv agency for occupational order /non molestation order
but even if I get granted that I can see him trying to get his own one cos of what I did to his car and the recordings

OP posts:
Original poster
karisa282 · 09/06/2023 12:25

friends of the family /arranged marriage we were introduced but there was no force involved
we were engaged in iraq within 2 days of meeting as I thought marrying an Iraqi would make my dad proud.
we find each other “ok” and I acknowledge he’s good looking but I’ve never felt much attraction and he told me once he likes big eyes on women and red hair … he’s never admitted to marrying for a British passport but I suspect that’s the truth as in iraq his prospects with an environment degree were very slim
i don’t really pay attention to my looks since getting married I guess as I don’t really like him.

OP posts:
Original poster
karisa282 · 09/06/2023 12:27

He made me say into the recording that I bumped his car on purpose
(as the cctv outside didn’t work )
he had a very angry look in his eye and said don’t be a liar so I had to admit it

OP posts:
SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 09/06/2023 12:32

karisa282 · 08/06/2023 18:52

He also tells me why do I have the right to stop him seeing his family and taking the kids there
I told him they’re welcome to come here but I really don’t like iraq

him: you agreed in April to go to iraq in exchange for a baby so you have to go
he also made me sign a “contract” on his tablet that says I will spend on the baby , he will name the baby ( have the final say) and I will feed and make baby sleep.

Good.

If he ever tries to use that legally it will go some way to proving he is coercive, controlling you

Normal husband's don't do that, ever.

Greenflamesburn · 09/06/2023 12:36

I'm glad you have seeked advice OP.
Well done . That can't have been easy for you.
Take deep breaths and carry on the path you have started.
Yes he can apply for it also. At which point a court can decide.
I agree with PP it sounds like he has gathered evidence to divorce you in Iraq and leave you stuck with nothing in a different world to the one you know.
Please follow the advice you have been given, Stand Tall and Proud.
Next time he threatens you ring the police and don't worry about the past. Sounds as if it will bite him in the arse more than you. 💐

wayyour · 09/06/2023 12:38

Contact the National Domestic Abuse Helplinee_ run by Refuge.
0808 2000 247 
Free 24 hour helpline

Contact them for help. You need to remove yourself from the situation. Tell them what you told us

TUCKINGFYP0 · 09/06/2023 12:54

NothingbutaHounddog666 · 09/06/2023 11:53

@karisa282

Do not even consider going to Iraq.

This man can divorce you whilst you are there and take away your children. He has been gathering evidence over a prolonged period which paints you in a bad light and could be used against you in Iraq. You could be left with nothing.

Regardless of your disabilities. You are far safer to remain in UK.

Please I beg you take the advice of others and contact Women's Aid.

If he threatens you again with going to the police, remind him that under UK law, it is he who has committed a crime.

What is your current housing situation? You say you own 80% of your home but are not clear, who pays what towards mortgage, bills etc, even if you work and in what country your children were born.

We are here to help you to get the best resolution for you and your children.

Please do not engage in conversation with your husband who is a totally abusive monster. Hide the passports for the children too.

Op I understand that you are very stressed and anxious. You have been living with an abuser who has convinced you that your life depends on proving who is right and who is wrong .

So when you come and post on Mumsnet you think that you need to tell us all the bad things you have both done and the “ deals “ you have done with him that you think he can make you keep.

But that is not the most important thing right now. The most important thing is your safety and that of your children . Please read the post that I have quoted and others like it and tell me that you understand it.

If you go to Iraq with him you could lose your children. Do you understand that ?

You need to contact women’s aid and tell them this. Do what they tell you.

You need to see a lawyer so you can stop him taking the children out of the country. Do this next week .

Get advice on how to leave him and divorce him here in the UK.

Tell your husband nothing. Stop fighting and arguing with him . Let him record if he wants . Try to keep the peace as much as you can until you can get out with your children .

If he notices a change in you and asks why, say that you have decided to be a good wife to him .

Do not under any circumstances tell him about this thread or anything anyone has said here. Remember you don’t need any kind of proof of anything to divorce him here.

jannier · 09/06/2023 14:31

karisa282 · 09/06/2023 11:12

Friends I spoke to said his request to take us to see his family in iraq is not unreasonable
its the threats I don’t like
but he said he has to make threats otherwise I will not go.

Friends hmmm are they his friends too? Do they know what he's been doing and saying? Do they know about the law in Iraq that makes it impossible for a mother to take her child away from the father?

jannier · 09/06/2023 14:33

karisa282 · 09/06/2023 12:22

yes I contacted women’s aid and they gave me details for dv agency for occupational order /non molestation order
but even if I get granted that I can see him trying to get his own one cos of what I did to his car and the recordings

Stop about recordings I work with a family the dad recorded and filmed everything in the home mum self harmed.....dad was found abusive mum has custody.....she has long term MH issues but gets help

Doggymummar · 09/06/2023 14:48

Is it a UK marriage or an Iraqi/Sharia marriage as the advice given will be very different.

NothingbutaHounddog666 · 09/06/2023 15:07

Did you marry in the UK or Iraq @karisa282 ? Were your children born here or over there?

Original poster
karisa282 · 09/06/2023 15:07

We were married in iraq so the courts there have the marriage papers but the marriage is recognised in U.K. too

OP posts:
Original poster
karisa282 · 09/06/2023 15:08

They were born here.

OP posts:
NothingbutaHounddog666 · 09/06/2023 16:01

karisa282 · 09/06/2023 15:07

We were married in iraq so the courts there have the marriage papers but the marriage is recognised in U.K. too

This means that if you go to Iraq, he can just divorce you whilst there ....sometimes within as little as 3 weeks and remain in the country if he so wishes with your children without you. If you don't give in readily, he can claim you have been unfaithful ( 2yr jail minimum) and certainly leave you destitute. Women in Iraq have absolutely no rights. Please get your priorities in the right order. This man is plotting and scheming against you.

Your safety is to remain in UK where you do have rights and get support from Women's Aid and a solicitor for the legal issues including the safety of your children.

Greenflamesburn · 09/06/2023 16:35

You really do need to stay in the UK @karisa282
How have you gotten on with advice you were given woman's aid?
I agree with the advice @TUCKINGFYP0 has given you.

Original poster
karisa282 · 10/06/2023 07:22

I’m not sure what to do as he wants to book the tickets soon

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/06/2023 07:44

Do not under any circumstances go to Iraq with your children for any proposed holiday or visit.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 10/06/2023 07:47

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/06/2023 07:44

Do not under any circumstances go to Iraq with your children for any proposed holiday or visit.

This. You will not all come back.

Fuck the recordings. There is no proof you didn't say you bumped the car because you were frightened of him. Anything you said on tape could be a lie, and it's not illegal to lie!

GloriousD · 10/06/2023 07:58

All of your MH diagnoses are exacerbated by the stress of living with this man. They will resolve when your marriage is over.

You need to have an end goal, get support and protection in place behind the scenes, don’t tell him anything.

Speak to professionals - your GP, a solicitor, WA.

Don’t bother with your friends and family if they have an agenda.

Take one tiny step today.

Get the passports out of the house - he will likely leave your DC with his family in Iraq.

On Monday call the GP tell them what you are going through.

On Tuesday call a solicitor.

Don’t engage with him. Don’t tell him what you are doing.

Greenflamesburn · 10/06/2023 11:49

If you have to let him book the tickets let him think everything is normal. Let him think you are going to go to keep the peace. Is there anyway you can say you need 2-3 months to save for the tickets? You need to wait till X payday to do it.

Talk to your GP or nurse at the surgery on Monday.

How old are your little ones? Do you have a health visitor (is she any good?) you could ask advice from?

Keep calm and try to play the good wife. You will get through this OP. Sending you hugs and strength. 💐

Doggymummar · 10/06/2023 11:58

If you have to, you can get the tickets, go to the airport and surrender yourself to the police there, tell them you are being coerced into travelling against your will. Police are everywhere at the airport once he's through security he can't come back.

You are going to need a lot of help and support from the authorities to keep safe, start putting things in place now.

billy1966 · 10/06/2023 12:04

You are being abused.

Contact the police.

Ring 101 and ask for help.

Do NOT travel to Iraq.

He is not to be trusted.

Tell the police of his recordings and his forcing you to say things into the phone.

Tell them you are terrified of him and that he will not allow you and the children to return to the UK.

You need to help yourself.

Ring the police.
Ring Women's aid again.

You have to help yourself.

Greenflamesburn · 10/06/2023 12:21

@karisa282
@Doggymummar post. You can play the good wife right up until you go to get coffee in the airport lounge. Then you say you are being forced out of the country with your children and fear you will never come back.
You can do this OP, you can keep you and your children safe.

Birthdayboy · 10/06/2023 12:30

This sounds so unbearable. I really hope you're okay.

Why is he so adamant on going to Iraq? Is this a trip that could be considered extremely unsafe for you and your children?

I am not familiar with the rules in Iraq although I do have some Iraqi friends.

Please speak with women's aid, you are not alone in this 💞

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