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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Toxic relationship voice recordings

230 replies

karisa282 · 08/06/2023 10:29

Hi my husband has been voice recording me without my consent for the last 8 years
he is from iraq and I am half Iraqi but raised in the U.K.
in April after 2 years of me asking he agreed to have another child as long as I agreed that we would visit iraq in the next few months and contribute to the bills -
yesterday he showed me the recording and I was devastated he recorded me. I told him I’m not sure about going to iraq as it’s very polluted there and his parents just came to visit us here 5 months ago but he’s adamant that we have to go there. And I should pay half the trip. If i don’t agree to Iraq he said we won’t go abroad anywhere else forever ( Spain etc ) and I will be responsible for the misery.

incident 3 days ago: I tell kids nicely at night : daddy will read you a story
he then barks : DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO

i then got so upset I threatened him and I drove away and my dad had to come and speak to us . My dad said husband shouldn’t shout but husband said I provoke him as he told me many times that he doesn’t always want to read the story and I should ask him nicely.

he has kept recordings from years ago and said it’s because he doesn’t trust me ( I have autism and bpd and in the past if he said something I didn’t like I would lash out and try to take his phone away which would lead to me scratching his arm unintentionally)

I feel I am being extorted. Yesterday we had a big fight as I wanted to sleep alone in bed and I lay horizontally so there would be no room for him but he still insisted Its his bed too- then I walked out at night I bumped into his rear bumper when I found out about all his voice recordings- his car has a small chipped scratch only. I tried to take his phone away but he resisted and he shouted into the recording “ stop hitting me” but I was only trying to take phone away.

when he saw his car he rushed back in and smashed a painting off wall and chucked some of my stuff out the window.
when we were back inside he looked for the cctv footage of me bumping into his car but it did not appear but he made me admit it verbally into his voice recorder. If I didn’t he was going to call police and he did call them but hung up.

we can’t discuss divorce As he might be recording and he told me to assume that he’s always recording. I told him his recordings are inadmissible in any court but he said police can view them.
I want to leave and take kids to another part of the U.K. but I feel trapped if leave he will show the recordings to police and get custody. I’m very stressed and can’t sleep while he sleeps very well.

OP posts:
jannier · 08/06/2023 20:39

If you go to Iraq he may not let the children come home. He's abusive I wouldn't go and I'd look at how to stop him taking my children.

Original poster
karisa282 · 08/06/2023 20:42

I’m worried as he has audio recording of me admitting I rammed into his car

iraq holiday would be all of us not just him

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 08/06/2023 20:44

Forget about the recordings, no one cares about them. Just leave

Irridescantshimmmer · 08/06/2023 20:56

I heard its illegal to record telephone conversations without consent first.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 08/06/2023 20:57

This is the kind of relationship where the woman usually ends up as nothing but a grainy photo in a news article. You really cannot stay.

Have you got any friends who don't have a stake in the relationship? Because it doesn't sound like your mum and dad will be helpful if your dad accepted you "provoke" your "husband".

Zarataralara · 08/06/2023 20:59
  1. He can’t make you do anything. He can’t make you go to Iraq, he can’t make you pay half of anything.
  2. Any “ promises” you made to visit his family were made under duress. They have no standing in law anyway. No one cares what you did or didn’t promise, it has no validity.
  3. Stop rising to him, ignore him, don’t discuss anything with him, do not engage with him on anything. Let him record, it makes him look controlling.
  4. Speak to Women’s Aid and a solicitor. Do exactly what pp said about the children’s passports.
  5. Plan to leave him asap.
jannier · 08/06/2023 21:57

karisa282 · 08/06/2023 20:42

I’m worried as he has audio recording of me admitting I rammed into his car

iraq holiday would be all of us not just him

But he can under their law refuse permission for the children to leave there is no agreement to repatriate these children the man has rights over them

namechanged9999 · 08/06/2023 22:15

OP you sound a bit… slow. Do you understand that even if you go on holiday together your children may never be allowed to leave? Can you forget the damn voice recordings please it is not relevant and he can’t make you pay more bills or whatever - this isn’t a business deal it’s your marriage. Do you understand that your husband is abusive and controlling and actually a sociopath. The recordings are the least of your worries when you live with a psycho. You need to leave - I’ve been through what you’ve been through and trust me there is a way out. You will also screw up your kids by staying. Do you think it’s normal he made you sign this ridiculous contract?

Original poster
karisa282 · 09/06/2023 07:18

Yes I understand though I have bpd and clinical depression/anxiety
he has recordings of the past where it looks like I kick him to make him trip up and drop the phone
if I don’t go to iraq he may stop paying all bills and he said debt collectors will come unless I pay all of it. As he has a new job lined up in the U.K. I don’t think he would stay in iraq.

I can’t stand when he shouts I’m a LIAr and that he hates liars as I previously agreed to iraq trip and now don’t want to go- he said I just said that to get pregnant. And reason he made a “contract” is because he doesn’t want another child.

also I own 80% of the property so I feel I can’t just leave .
if we divorce neither will give permission for the other to take kids abroad anywhere so they will miss out on holidays .

OP posts:
Original poster
karisa282 · 09/06/2023 07:22

Also he will tell the police I knocked his car as he said that’s abusive because I was so upset he’s been recording me for years even during no argument
he recorded me in April saying I will go to iraq in the next few months only so that if I don’t go he can show me the recording and prove I’m a liar

OP posts:
NCMum79 · 09/06/2023 07:45

OP, you aren't listening. Forget the recordings, the only thing they are proof of is that your husband has been recording you 24/7 without your consent. The contract isn't a legal document. The stuff about bills - again think it through, is he really going to let debt collectors come and ruin his own credit rating?? He isn't. The kids missing out on holidays is not reason to stay in this bonfire of hell. He's abusive and controlling. You are at risk. You have to get out of there.

Greenflamesburn · 09/06/2023 07:59

This man is financially and emotionally abusing you. His own treats will be recorded also.
It will be his and his children's stuff that is taken not just yours if he stops paying the bills. This is financial abuse. You need to speak to an organisation that can give solid advice.
You hit his car, did you right it off?! No you have chipped/scratched it. I get to you that seems like a big deal to the police it will be minor. Likelihood of you being prosecuted is tiny. Likelihood of them being interested in the abusive home your children live in high.
Let him ring the police it will do you both a favor. Mouth to a copper 'Help, Save Me' they will help.
As you suffer MH your meltdowns won't count as I'm sure he will be goading the behaviour out of you. Still not great way to behave with children. But we all do crazy at your wits ends and when pushed to it.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Please talk to someone from the link about about the abuse. Explain what you have here. Yes you don't always come over as perfect but who is?! And in no way shape or form is your OH perfect.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/

The link above is for shelter they can advise on your housing.

Let today be the first day of the rest of your life OP x

Home - Women's Aid

Women's Aid is a grassroots federation working together to provide life-saving services and build a future where domestic violence is not tolerated.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

MySugarBabyLove · 09/06/2023 08:30

OP, as above, you need to stop focussing on the recordings.

Contracts drawn up on iPads etc are irrelevant. They’re not worth the screen they’re written on.

I’m kind of confused about this notion of paying the bills, do you not currently contribute financially hence why he is saying you need to pay half the bills? Either way he’s not going to get to a point that the bailiffs come calling - that’s his credit rating up shit creek as well then if he does that.

So your kids won’t get a holiday abroad if you leave. Meh. Plenty of places you can go on holiday in the UK. I abroad is nice but it ain’t the be all and end all.

As for the house, you’re not going to lose it if you leave. It’s a marital asset so you likely won’t retain 80% of it as it will be divided up in any financial settlement if you get divorced, but the house is a part of the marriage and he won’t get to keep it all when you file for divorce.

And stop having sex with this man. Whatever you do do not get pregnant. Having another baby is the last thing you need right now. Concentrate on the children. You have.

tiggergoesbounce · 09/06/2023 08:49

Ok, OP slow down.

The likely hood of your DH actually wanting any police or authority involvement is very slim as his behaviour is unreasonable and controlling, he won't want this highlighting.

If he did and the police were even bothered enough to come out, you tell them his car was an accident- job done - they dont have resource to pursue it.

The recording he has, if there is a video showing you scratching him, it will also show you trying to get his phone. If it is a voice recording it proves nothing really.

I would follow others advice of getting the childrens passports somewhere safe out of the house, he seems very desperate to get you over to iraq, i would not go, he may not allow the kids back home.

Set about leaving him, this is not a healthy relationship

Bobbylives · 09/06/2023 09:10

You MUST get in touch with Womens Aid NOW. You have nothing to fear from them, you need practical advice and help and need it asap. This man is very very abusive.

LittleOwl153 · 09/06/2023 09:18

karisa282 · 09/06/2023 07:18

Yes I understand though I have bpd and clinical depression/anxiety
he has recordings of the past where it looks like I kick him to make him trip up and drop the phone
if I don’t go to iraq he may stop paying all bills and he said debt collectors will come unless I pay all of it. As he has a new job lined up in the U.K. I don’t think he would stay in iraq.

I can’t stand when he shouts I’m a LIAr and that he hates liars as I previously agreed to iraq trip and now don’t want to go- he said I just said that to get pregnant. And reason he made a “contract” is because he doesn’t want another child.

also I own 80% of the property so I feel I can’t just leave .
if we divorce neither will give permission for the other to take kids abroad anywhere so they will miss out on holidays .

If the travelling thing is really what's bothering you - the courts can give you permission to take the kids to Spain on holiday - without his agreement.

They can also ban him taking them to Iraq if he is a flight risk - I.e. there is a risk that he won't return them. (In the meantime hide or block their passports so he can't take them alone). You do not have to go to Iraq... what if he won't let you leave?

Money/bills can be sorted. Property can be sold.

Are you currently pregnant? If you aren't I'd think seriously about whether becoming so with such an abusive man is a good plan.

Speak more to your parents. Ask them to help get you and the children out.

jannier · 09/06/2023 09:31

karisa282 · 09/06/2023 07:18

Yes I understand though I have bpd and clinical depression/anxiety
he has recordings of the past where it looks like I kick him to make him trip up and drop the phone
if I don’t go to iraq he may stop paying all bills and he said debt collectors will come unless I pay all of it. As he has a new job lined up in the U.K. I don’t think he would stay in iraq.

I can’t stand when he shouts I’m a LIAr and that he hates liars as I previously agreed to iraq trip and now don’t want to go- he said I just said that to get pregnant. And reason he made a “contract” is because he doesn’t want another child.

also I own 80% of the property so I feel I can’t just leave .
if we divorce neither will give permission for the other to take kids abroad anywhere so they will miss out on holidays .

Sorry are you saying money, getting pregnant and holidays are more important than abuse of yourself and the children as well as loss of your kids?
Plenty have gone on these holidays with jobs and homes in the UK with men who decided to leave debts behind and stay in Iraq.
He is openly recording you and you kick him what's going on

jannier · 09/06/2023 09:37

Your MH issues do not stop you having your children assuming you're fit to do so....if you have a councillor or doctor tell them what's going on that information will help you should you leave and look for custody.

Original poster
karisa282 · 09/06/2023 11:04

Yes but he can call police any time and say that I’m abusive and they will look at my medical history (depression Aspergers, bpd personality ) as well the Audio he forced me to record where I say I bumped his car on purpose.

OP posts:
Original poster
karisa282 · 09/06/2023 11:12

Friends I spoke to said his request to take us to see his family in iraq is not unreasonable
its the threats I don’t like
but he said he has to make threats otherwise I will not go.

OP posts:
Greenflamesburn · 09/06/2023 11:20

He shouldn't be making threats!!
No one has to make threats.
Asking to go to Iraq is fine, expected contribution towards it is fine.
Threats to Punish you if you don't do what he says not fine.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to.

Same goes to his non inforcable contact. You don't have to do it.
Have you seeked legal advice from somewhere yet OP.

Greenflamesburn · 09/06/2023 11:21

Can I ask did you choose this man or was he chosen for you?

Bryzoan · 09/06/2023 11:33

These recordings, your medical history, they will not be effective leverage against you. He is just using them to make you feel you’re trapped in an abusive situation. You aren’t. Please phone women’s aid for advice.

I would also not go to Iraq, and I would make sure I had mine and the kids’ passports safe in your shoes.

BigCheeseSandwich · 09/06/2023 11:42

The police or courts won’t be interested in those recordings.

get out - now: he sounds absolutely unhinged, get your kids away from this abusive man.

NothingbutaHounddog666 · 09/06/2023 11:53

@karisa282

Do not even consider going to Iraq.

This man can divorce you whilst you are there and take away your children. He has been gathering evidence over a prolonged period which paints you in a bad light and could be used against you in Iraq. You could be left with nothing.

Regardless of your disabilities. You are far safer to remain in UK.

Please I beg you take the advice of others and contact Women's Aid.

If he threatens you again with going to the police, remind him that under UK law, it is he who has committed a crime.

What is your current housing situation? You say you own 80% of your home but are not clear, who pays what towards mortgage, bills etc, even if you work and in what country your children were born.

We are here to help you to get the best resolution for you and your children.

Please do not engage in conversation with your husband who is a totally abusive monster. Hide the passports for the children too.