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Original poster

Toxic relationship voice recordings

230 replies

karisa282 · 08/06/2023 10:29

Hi my husband has been voice recording me without my consent for the last 8 years
he is from iraq and I am half Iraqi but raised in the U.K.
in April after 2 years of me asking he agreed to have another child as long as I agreed that we would visit iraq in the next few months and contribute to the bills -
yesterday he showed me the recording and I was devastated he recorded me. I told him I’m not sure about going to iraq as it’s very polluted there and his parents just came to visit us here 5 months ago but he’s adamant that we have to go there. And I should pay half the trip. If i don’t agree to Iraq he said we won’t go abroad anywhere else forever ( Spain etc ) and I will be responsible for the misery.

incident 3 days ago: I tell kids nicely at night : daddy will read you a story
he then barks : DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO

i then got so upset I threatened him and I drove away and my dad had to come and speak to us . My dad said husband shouldn’t shout but husband said I provoke him as he told me many times that he doesn’t always want to read the story and I should ask him nicely.

he has kept recordings from years ago and said it’s because he doesn’t trust me ( I have autism and bpd and in the past if he said something I didn’t like I would lash out and try to take his phone away which would lead to me scratching his arm unintentionally)

I feel I am being extorted. Yesterday we had a big fight as I wanted to sleep alone in bed and I lay horizontally so there would be no room for him but he still insisted Its his bed too- then I walked out at night I bumped into his rear bumper when I found out about all his voice recordings- his car has a small chipped scratch only. I tried to take his phone away but he resisted and he shouted into the recording “ stop hitting me” but I was only trying to take phone away.

when he saw his car he rushed back in and smashed a painting off wall and chucked some of my stuff out the window.
when we were back inside he looked for the cctv footage of me bumping into his car but it did not appear but he made me admit it verbally into his voice recorder. If I didn’t he was going to call police and he did call them but hung up.

we can’t discuss divorce As he might be recording and he told me to assume that he’s always recording. I told him his recordings are inadmissible in any court but he said police can view them.
I want to leave and take kids to another part of the U.K. but I feel trapped if leave he will show the recordings to police and get custody. I’m very stressed and can’t sleep while he sleeps very well.

OP posts:
jannier · 14/06/2023 11:43

karisa282 · 14/06/2023 10:40

If we rented it would be easy to just leave him but how can I leave him in a house I mostly own - would I be able to sell it if he still lives there he’s not going through tidy it and make it presentable for viewings .

But getting divorced under same roof is also miserable he will become cold

i wouldn’t want him to know my new address but he’ll need it for visitation

I just worrry if she shows anyone the audios/videos and his car scratch I’ll be arrested on the spot

Visitation for Domestic Abuse can be arranged through a center YOU are being coercively controlled that it abuse. The fact your putting barriers up to any suggestions of help shows how good he is at it.

jannier · 14/06/2023 11:52

UK government travel advice to Iraq.....anyone considering it as an adult is taking a risk to send your kids there for a family get together is absolutely ridiculous even if you were together....would you send them to the Ukraine?

Toxic relationship voice recordings
Sunsea21 · 14/06/2023 12:00

You need to apply urgently for a prohibited steps order that prevents him taking them out of the country.

Original poster
karisa282 · 14/06/2023 15:59

I called a solicitor and they said they don’t store passports so will enquire about prohibited steps order

what if I apply for this order and he filed for divorce and tried to take full custody

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 14/06/2023 16:03

These poor children.

Birthdayboy · 14/06/2023 16:06

karisa282 · 14/06/2023 15:59

I called a solicitor and they said they don’t store passports so will enquire about prohibited steps order

what if I apply for this order and he filed for divorce and tried to take full custody

Metro Bank have safety deposit boxes. Would that be a way you can hide them?

Original poster
karisa282 · 14/06/2023 16:10

Could try that but he could just apply for new ones ??

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 14/06/2023 17:13

You are fixated on his recordings, whereas in reality they are not proof of what you've done. But were he to show the collection he has amassed over the years, it would say more about him being the kind of person who does that, and reflects badly on him. So let go of your stresses around the recordings, they are not important. Stop trying to get his phone, it achieves nothing.
Similarly, that he's made you sign contracts at all about having DC, shows what a weird and controlling twunt he is more than any content they have.
Of course you can't be living with an abusive person while divorcing them, nobody would recommend that, so you or he or both of you need to move out while the house is sold and the divorce goes through.
Meanwhile, if you could get some counselling it would be of help as you've made some unusual decisions that have not been to anyones benefit, such as having another DC under these circumstances, knowing he didn't want another, and that you'd have childcare responsibility and financial expectations around it and most of all tying yourself even deeper to a bad situation and exposing your DC to all the toxicity.

MySugarBabyLove · 14/06/2023 18:23

FFS.

OP do you want to lose your children? Because you likely will if you let him take them to Iraq. Even if you go with them.

The recordings are irrelevant, and well, if he files for full residency let him. Doesn’t mean he’s going to get it.

He’s just an abusive arsehole and you’re fixating on recordings which tbh don’t show either of you in a good light but aren’t admissible in court or anything like that.

Who is looking out for the children in this mess?

Greenflamesburn · 15/06/2023 18:12

Thank you for contacting a solicitor OP I hope you got some good advice.

As other PP have said him or both move out of the house during the divorce. Please don't worry yourself about the recordings.

Original poster
karisa282 · 18/06/2023 17:30

His family will ask why we never go and they insist it’s safe as his aunt and uncle recently visited. When his dad visited last winter he told me to “promise” that we would visit in April and we didn’t end up going.

is he allowed to know where I live if I leave the family home ? If I don’t give him my address can he tel the police I kidnapped the kids? Do I have to leave a note ?

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 18/06/2023 18:29

OP please find a way to safely contact women's aid for help and advice as you need to be very careful due to the risk of the children being taken and kept abroad.

They will be able to point you in the direction of some resources specifically for women facing that additional challenge when wanting to leave an abusive relationship.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Greenflamesburn · 18/06/2023 19:28

If you leave it is up to you if you leave a note. You can but don't have to.

He could call the police and request a welfare check is done on the children. He would do this in the hope they will be removed from your care and placed in his. As long as the children are happy, and in a safe place the police are not likely to remove them from you without cause.

Especially if you explain why you have left to them.

You can inform a solicitor that all correspondence goes via them. I would also see about getting a residency order in place. That means if he takes the children and tries to keep them they will be brought back to you.

Original poster
karisa282 · 19/06/2023 19:16

Prohibited steps order asks you if you have attended mediation meeting and to be exempt you need proof of abuse such as police involvement or texts from the “victim”
so if I try to apply for this order it just makes things uglier
he is not a big fan of iraq to stay in iraq permanently I believe this is just about him seeing his whole family with the kids

OP posts:
Betsybetty · 19/06/2023 19:27

karisa282 · 08/06/2023 18:49

He has calmed down as I told him I will go visit his family
but he said if I change my mind again it can’t happen as I agreed to go back in April and he will make me pay more bills if I don’t go…. would videos showing his scratched arm be admissible even if they were taken without my permission
im so upset he has videos of me and backs them up as well where I’m very upset and vulnerable and screaming for him to give me the phone .

today when he got home he looked angry and told me to stop lying- I said what about ?
he said DONT LIE who did you tell today about what happened
I said I just told my parents … and he didn’t like that I told them I if I don’t go visit his family he threatens me with punishments

Do not go to Iraq under no circumstances. What if he keeps the kids there? Coerces you? There's a book called not without my daughter, about this exact situation in Iran. Fgs op, don't go! And run for the hills.

Betsybetty · 19/06/2023 19:35

contrary13 · 13/06/2023 17:29

I suspect that your mental health is poor because you're married to this man. If not, then he's certainly exacerbating the situation - because you're giving him that power over you.

Please listen to the others (pretty much every single one who has posted!) and don't allow him to take your children to Iraq. He wants his family all under one roof - great; fine! Personally, I want world peace and equality across the globe - but that doesn't mean that I'm going to get that, does it?

If your children already have passports, please take them to someone whom you trust not to give them to your husband. In the UK, because you're married to their father, he has automatic parental responsibilities for them, so doesn't need your permission to take them out of the country - and given his underhanded methods of behaviour, if he has access to the passports, I'd not trust him to do that. One mother I know lost her son during a contentious build-up to divorce when his Middle Eastern father took him out of school early one day. He was in Iraq before his mother knew what was happening and other than when she visits once a year for a few weeks - she doesn't see her son. She's badmouthed about by the ex-husband, to their son and the older the kid gets... the more he's believing his father's lies, and their relationship is suffering. The boy's 14 now, and she says that she might only be able to see him for a few hours every other day when she visits later on this summer, because he's a teenager who wants to spend time with his friends rather than a mother he barely knows (and resents a great deal) anymore.

My oldest's biological "father" now lives in Dubai and for years - until she was 18, actually - I lived in terror of him trying to snatch her and remove her there. Even though we weren't together when she was born, he had no PR for her, and to the best of my knowledge has only seen her once in her entire life, when she was 3 weeks old (she's 27 now). I registered her birth at 4 days old, purely so that I could apply for her passport - to prevent him from doing so. He's very like your husband and I lived in dread of him taking my daughter just to spite me. Turns out, he married and had a few more kids over there - was abusive towards his wife (I know this purely because her sister tracked me down and begged to know what he'd done to me, to make me leave him - she was frantic about her sister, who isn't from the Middle East, and terrified that he was going to pull the stunt that he actually did SadAngry). She divorced him, and he was "oh, let's co-parent amicably..." - until she had to go back to Italy for an emergency with a dying relative, leaving her children with him. Over there, the father holds all of the rights over the children, and so... he kept the children; wouldn't let her have them back. Apparently she's not even permitted to see them - and they were maybe 7 and younger when she left Dubai that time - because he's told their children two things: that she abandoned them because she no longer wanted them Angry, and then, that she's died. According to the sister, he's told the ex-wife that it'd just confuse the children if she tries to see them, and that the older two (who were old enough to remember her) hate her for "running away" to her native country! I keep in touch, periodically, with the sister - hoping that my oldest's half-siblings have been told the truth (although I know him well enough to not be holding my breath over this!) and that their mother (who pretty much had a full-on breakdown when she tried to see them after burying the relative - already being upset about that loss, only to then lose her babies on top of it!) has been allowed just to see them, know how they're doing, something of that ilk. She was once very close to the rest of our shared ex's family, but they shut her out completely once this happened. And again, that doesn't surprise me. They got what they wanted - her children under their family's full control, all of hers essentially blocked from their lives. All she can do is hope that one day, her children figure out that she's not dead - and choose to see her. But again... I doubt that they will after years of his alienation and coercively abusive behaviour.

Please, @karisa282 , learn from these cautionary tales - and don't let it become your story, too. Go the police and report this abuser, take your children and run (with their passports) as far away as is humanely possible to get. Before it's too late. And when you're all safe, please divorce him and take steps to ensure that he cannot remove your children from the UK until they're adults. Chances are his plan is to divorce you and remarry over there, keeping your children as part of this plot (which his parents and he could have cooked up during their visit last month, let's be honest). But right now - you and your babies are at extreme risk of harm/separation.

Op, read this story many many times, digest it, and assume it's going to happen to you if you go to Iraq.

jannier · 19/06/2023 19:52

karisa282 · 19/06/2023 19:16

Prohibited steps order asks you if you have attended mediation meeting and to be exempt you need proof of abuse such as police involvement or texts from the “victim”
so if I try to apply for this order it just makes things uglier
he is not a big fan of iraq to stay in iraq permanently I believe this is just about him seeing his whole family with the kids

But it's still an area the UK government advice all citizens to avoid like the Ukraine why take children into a dangerous area? I still think you're risking it in lots of ways but you obviously won't be persuaded I'm not sure what you wanted from the thread

Original poster
karisa282 · 19/06/2023 19:52

Does a residency order mean he has to move out ? What if he refuses ?

OP posts:
jannier · 19/06/2023 19:53

Have you actually spoken to any agencies yet?

Original poster
karisa282 · 19/06/2023 20:09

Yes but I can’t go through with anything they say as I feel scatter brained and my bpd has flared up I’m feeling very empty

OP posts:
Original poster
karisa282 · 19/06/2023 20:10

If the council rehomes us will they ask for
proof that he’s controlling ?

OP posts:
Original poster
karisa282 · 20/06/2023 11:05

I promised to visit iraq and if I go back on my word I will be a liar and I don’t want to be labelled as one 😣

OP posts:
TUCKINGFYP0 · 20/06/2023 11:24

karisa282 · 20/06/2023 11:05

I promised to visit iraq and if I go back on my word I will be a liar and I don’t want to be labelled as one 😣

Ok then, you have to decide which is worse for you . Being called a liar or losing your children.

And which is worse for your children. Living happily with their mother in the UK. Or living in Iraq with their fathers family, hearing every day that their mother doesn’t want them or love them and then seeing their mother once or twice a year. well for a few years anyway - after a while they will no doubt refuse to see you, after years of indoctrination and lies about what a bad person you are.

Your choice.

monsteramunch · 20/06/2023 12:54

karisa282 · 20/06/2023 11:05

I promised to visit iraq and if I go back on my word I will be a liar and I don’t want to be labelled as one 😣

Would you rather be called a liar or risk losing your children?

That's your choice when it comes to the Iraq visit.

Original poster
karisa282 · 20/06/2023 13:35

this thread has become about staying in iraq which is I feel is very unlikely
and I don’t want to confront him and ask are you planning on staying in iraq
he doesn’t really like iraq and he knows there’s no opportunities there

OP posts: