What the fuck am I going to do?

[Richandstrange]

I have posted about this before (under another name) but things feel like they're coming to a head now and I still have no idea what to do. Basically my stepdad was a creepy perv around me when I was growing up and my DM turned a blind eye and dismissed me when I tried to raise it with her. I've pushed it down inside me for years and 'tolerated' him for the sake of my relationship with DM but he recently said something to me on the phone which has brought it all back to the surface and left me unable to stand speaking to or being in the same room as him.

This is getting difficult with DM now, I haven't seen her for weeks (she lives 10 minutes drive away) and she's obviously questioning why and badgering me to get together. But they come as a package (both retired) and I genuinely don't think I can be around him, the thought makes me feel physically ill. And I can't tell her what he said because she'll minimise and defend him and I will feel even worse than I already do.

I'm not sure why I've reacted as strongly as I have, probably because what he said involved my teenage daughter, but it's like I literally can't pretend everything's ok anymore. If I'm honest part of me wants to walk away from the pair of them, I'm almost as angry with DM as I am with him for dismissing me all those years ago but we've always been close despite all that and I'm not sure I can do that to her now, she's in her 70's and not in the best of health. I also think I will be made out to be hysterical, she has very different views to me about (for example) the Me Too movement and historical SA cases in the media and I know she will think I'm making something out of nothing.

I know it must look like an easy fix, go NC and don't look back but that would utterly devastate my DM and, despite everything I've written here, I'm not sure I can do that to her, she's been a good mum in lots of other ways. I feel so stressed about it all I'm genuinely worried about my MH and the pressure to see DM is mounting, I just feel like it's all approaching boiling point and I have no idea what to do.

Your mother is in a very difficult position, albeit largely of her own making. For years enough has not been said to enable her to maintain the uneasy fiction with herself that things are "OK" so long as she doesn't really think about it.

You have now been pushed by the reality of the situation to finally stop colluding with this uncomfortable fiction (colluding with your silence) and so here uneasy fictional "OK"ness has fallen apart . She is exposed -to herself -as a lifelong denier. As you rightly anticipated, she is now thrashing around trying to patch over the yawning gap, and wants you to help her. Of course she does.

It's a horrible situation for her, and I am sure you pity her. But it is of her making, hers and SFs.

Somewhere in her subconscious she has probably known this was likely, sooner or later . But she probably pushed that right away.

Can she face the truth that she was an enabler. If she wants to keep a relationship with you, she has to face that, unless you can be guilted into helping her reconstruct the fiction . So the survival of her self image depends on you re-instating the deceit.

Obviously you can't do that , but boy will she be motivated to get you to do so.

Not easy to watch -to say the least. And you probably need to accept that she has a choice too.

She may choose to learn to live with a bit more truth, to keep the relationship with her daughter. Or she may find she cannot, that she needs to rebuild the fiction, but because you are not going to unsay your piece, she has to exclude you and your version of events, to keep her fiction just about going.

You can't blame her for trying, in a way , or at least, it isn't surprising. But I think advice to grey rock and just repeatedly close her down, is the only way to go.

You might need to tell her not to even open the topic with you, sooner or later. As a pp said, it really isn't your issue now. Its over to her.

What you've written is exactly how I see it and you are (slightly scarily!) accurate about how it's all making me feel. I feel pity, even compassion/empathy for the situation she's now in and huge guilt for bringing it all to a head even though my rational mind knows the only person at fault for the core issue is him.

I know she's not blameless either, she's adamant she doesn't recall me ever trying to tell her as a teen but I know I did and I've been able to recount to her specific incidents where she looked extremely embarrassed and uncomfortable with his behaviour so she definitely knew. I think you're spot on with what's going on in her head right now, she's absolutely trying to maintain the fiction she's built to protect herself. The fact that you've seen it so clearly is really helpful and validating so thank you, I needed that.

Glad it was useful. I've seen elements of this (not as serious) in a number of people in my life. I feel for you ❤️

...but you've got this! 💪

Well I think it's fair to say the shit has hit the fan. Won't give details as it would be v outing but suffice to say everything I expected/feared about telling her is coming true and I'm trying my hardest not to crumble. So far we have had flying monkeys, complete denial of things I saw with my own eyes and she has attempted to drag DD into it via a very sneaky route which has just about finished me off tbh. So I'm done I think, NC it is and that's probably for the best.

Psychotherapy to deal with the trauma. And with navigating the family relationships.

For the time being, insist on seeing your DM without him. Those are your terms; whether she accepts them or not is on her, you can't be responsible for everything.

Hi there, I'm in a not dissimilar situation and am trying to manage being NC with my father but not my mother. She is an enabler but seems to understand and take responsibility for her part in the stuff that happened in a way that my father completely refuses to do. I'm not sure my father has understood that I've gone NC with him as we had a poor relationship at the best of times, and my mother is dancing around the whole thing to minimise the impact on him.
You will be experiencing massive gaslighting and minimising that will make you doubt yourself and feel shame and guilt. Please keep going and do resume therapy.
Also, I found the book The Body Keeps the Score really useful.
I just wanted to wish you all the best x

Bringing your child into it has to be a hard line, I agree.

She made her bed, now she'll have to lie in it.

NC now OP. Enough is enough, you've tried and tried but she just won't see it.

Tell the flying monkeys that they don't know what's gone on and to keep out.

Block her in all ways. And dd needs to too.

@Richandstrange Ugh, she is disgusting. You're doing absolutely the right thing going NC and protecting your daughter too. I'm glad that you recontacted the counsellor as you may need some support in the early stages of going NC and grieving the relationship with her and the mother she couldn't be for you.

Grey rock/shut down the flying monkeys. Consider cutting contact with them too if they can't stop interfering.

You are strong, you've come through so much already, you've got this.

You're right, I have tried and I don't think I deserve to have to listen to what's now being said, it's everything I was afraid of and more unfortunately. She has found a way (with the help of the flying monkeys) to make him the victim and pulled in the support of the wider family so I am now the bad guy, as I always knew I would be, it's actually scary how accurately I predicted what would happen.

The only thing that's blindsided me is the way they've tried to use DD to get to me, I didn't expect that and am disgusted they would stoop so low. I restart with my original NHS therapist next week thankfully so that thought is keeping me going, along with DH and DD.

People invested in the status quo will say the most unhinged and cruel things. It's really tough dealing with it especially when they try and use your children against you. Happened here too, but like you I have a close and honest relationship with my dc, and they see the situation for what it is.
Make your circle small and remember that none of this was your doing x

Yes, yes, yes.

It's such a common human characteristic unfortunately.

This is sadly a very unsurprising turn of events. I am so sorry this is how it has turned out but this is exactly how abuse flourishes, isn't it - because it is so uncomfortable for people to admit it's been happening.

Very glad you can see your therapist again.

I'm not surprised, that's why it took me so long to work up to telling her because I knew this is how it would be. I am shocked she's dragged DD into it, that's lower than I expected her to stoop, I just hope I've handled the fallout for DD ok, she's very upset to have been used and taken advantage of by DM and her flying monkey. I actually don't feel as bad as I thought I would, I'm raging about DD but not feeling the huge pain of loss I expected to, not yet at least.

Really sorry to read your update OP. You have the support of a threadful of strangers, and I, for one, am hugely impressed by your strength and resilience. Your DD is lucky to a have a DM like you.

Yes indeed, seconded. Your clarity in understanding what is happening will really help her, too.

Third-ed. You are doing right by yourself and your dd.

Completely agree. You are a brave woman and a fine mother. Whenever you wobble (for of course you will - it's only natural) keep the thoughts of your daughter to the front of your mind. She's why you're bearing this.
Stay strong OP.

Definitely wobbling tonight, haven't blocked DM yet and she's called a few times but I just didn't answer. All my energy has gone on DD today and I don't have anything left to deal with DM, even if it's just deciding to block her, I'll have to figure out what happens next tomorrow. Half of me wants the opportunity to say all the things going round in my head to her, the other half just wants to save myself the drama and walk away from the lot of them.

I've just caught up on this thread @Richandstrange .
If you mum is calling you and you don't feel ready to block her entirely, do you think you could answer the phone if you had a script ready that you could read to her and then hang up the phone?
Something like "Mum, it has taken a lot of courage for me to say what I did about SF to you. I realise that it will take you time to review in your own head what I have said and why. I'm not playing the victim in your story as I firmly believe that I'm a survivor and I will not have you portray me in any other light than that. I think using DD to try to get me to change my mind or retract my comments was lower than low and for that reason, I feel that I am currently left with no other option but to stop all contact with you. I am deeply sorry that it has come to this as I really thought the situation was improving a few weeks/months ago but I can see that it is currently beyond repair"

You need to protect yourself and your DD at this point and I'm so pleased that your DH has your back!

Agree with this, or OP could send an email saying this.
I get what OP is saying about getting the opportunity to say everything she wants to. I did take that opportunity, but what hurt me most about the whole situation was that it made no difference. I think i had lived my liife thinking 'if only my parents knew every detail of what happened they would understand and be so sorry'. I gave them every detail and my mother does get it to an extent, but my father dug in and put it all on me.
That was extremely painful and I'm not sure to what extent it helped me. But then again I don't sit here thinking 'Oh i wish i'd said such and such'.

I've been churning over all the things I want to say all weekend (radio silence from her since Friday) but I know it won't help, I always knew what I said would make no difference to her or I wouldn't have struggled so much with whether to tell her in the first place. I just feel done tbh, nothing to say to her and nothing she could say that I would want to hear. Don't know if that will change but right now it's how I feel so will probably block if she starts calling again.

I don't know if the way I'm feeling is weird but it's like I've just switched off, I feel vaguely upset and churned up but all my focus is on DD and trying to undo the damage they've done to her and I'm not really feeling anything about the fact that my wider family has just pretty much imploded. Maybe it's anger but right now I don't feel like I'd care if I never saw any of them ever again.

Would it help to write her a letter OP? Get it all down, everything you want to say?
And then burn it.
May help you feel some closure?

I've realised today that the stuff I have going round in my head isn't stuff I want/need to say to her, it's me rehearsing my arguments to the further minimising and defending of him I know I will get if I speak to her. And as long as I'm not having to listen to that minimising I honestly don't feel I have anything I need to say to her, I have closure as long as she leaves me alone, I'm done.

I feel a bit unnerved by how little I feel about having effectively lost my family though, bit worried it's all going to hit me at some point when I least expect it. I have moments when I wonder whether I should/could have just pushed down my reaction to that phone call months ago and carried on like before, whether I've been horrendously cruel to my own mother by dumping all this on her at this point in her life. Mostly I just feel angry and disappointed, although I never had much hope it would be any different tbh, she's reacted exactly as I feared/expected.