What the fuck am I going to do?

[Richandstrange]

I have posted about this before (under another name) but things feel like they're coming to a head now and I still have no idea what to do. Basically my stepdad was a creepy perv around me when I was growing up and my DM turned a blind eye and dismissed me when I tried to raise it with her. I've pushed it down inside me for years and 'tolerated' him for the sake of my relationship with DM but he recently said something to me on the phone which has brought it all back to the surface and left me unable to stand speaking to or being in the same room as him.

This is getting difficult with DM now, I haven't seen her for weeks (she lives 10 minutes drive away) and she's obviously questioning why and badgering me to get together. But they come as a package (both retired) and I genuinely don't think I can be around him, the thought makes me feel physically ill. And I can't tell her what he said because she'll minimise and defend him and I will feel even worse than I already do.

I'm not sure why I've reacted as strongly as I have, probably because what he said involved my teenage daughter, but it's like I literally can't pretend everything's ok anymore. If I'm honest part of me wants to walk away from the pair of them, I'm almost as angry with DM as I am with him for dismissing me all those years ago but we've always been close despite all that and I'm not sure I can do that to her now, she's in her 70's and not in the best of health. I also think I will be made out to be hysterical, she has very different views to me about (for example) the Me Too movement and historical SA cases in the media and I know she will think I'm making something out of nothing.

I know it must look like an easy fix, go NC and don't look back but that would utterly devastate my DM and, despite everything I've written here, I'm not sure I can do that to her, she's been a good mum in lots of other ways. I feel so stressed about it all I'm genuinely worried about my MH and the pressure to see DM is mounting, I just feel like it's all approaching boiling point and I have no idea what to do.

Masking your truth was ruining your life. But more importantly, you were responsible for safeguarding your dc.
With a lot of proper thoughtful time and decent planning your truth has been put to your mum with care about her feelings.
It was then her responsibility what she did with it. You can’t be responsible for her reaction. If she and the wider family members she has drawn in over this, decide to do the masking now, so be it.

All you were asking was for your mum to be open to your truth and to understand you could no longer see him and pretend all was well, nor allow him contact with your own little family.
She still has that option to see you on her own. If she won’t respect your truth, it suggests he has control over her and or that she is fearful for some other reason.
You have done all you can. You have sown the seed of truth. It takes a long time to find fertile ground sometimes.
It also takes effort and patience to have trust and faith that in doing the best for your own family, you have done the only right thing.

Thank you so much LAMPS1, I know you're right but needed to read that this morning. Am angry today as she tried to contact DD directly last night, she's really proving how manipulative she is. Just want her to stop now and leave us alone, scared to block in case it just makes her more likely to turn up in person but jumping everytime a phone goes and feel full of adrenaline all the time which is not pleasant. Therapy restarts this afternoon, can't come soon enough!

Hope therapy went ok today, I would block her so you can relax ref her calling etc

Therapy was good, we talked through whether to block and came out at not, for now. The therapist agrees I'm best just doing nothing for now, things with DM were left sufficiently up in the air that it might be helpful to speak again at some point, I'm just going to see how I feel at the time if/when she calls. No calls since Friday now though so not even sure she will.

Feel pretty devastated today, I never expected her to react well but she's turned something that could have been managed with a bit of effort and sensitivity and blown it up into something irreparable. It's hard not to feel rejected by that, I clearly wasn't important enough to her.

I knew she would do this though, I said at the beginning she wouldn't be able to accept that I had a different view of him and his behaviour than hers and she's never been able to resist the urge to keep picking and digging at things rather than letting the dust settle. If she'd stuck with her original reaction we wouldn't be here now, I knew it was too good to be true 😢

Don't know if anyone's still reading but things are ramping up again after a period of silence. I received an email from DM a couple of weeks ago and then a lengthy message last night, both completely focused on exonerating SF and berating me for NC. A huge part of me really doesn't care but a couple of things she said have got to me a bit.

I've sent a short message back this morning just reiterating that I want NC but I'm a bit scared I've just reopened the lines of communication by responding. I know I can block but don't want to be worried about her turning up at my door instead.

We've scaled therapy back to once a month because I was coping well and there had been no contact so I have 3 weeks to wait before I can speak to my therapist and I'm a bit worried about how I will cope if DM keeps messaging, which is why I'm back here I was doing so well, wish she would just leave me alone.

I’m so sorry you’re still through this.

As tough as it is, perhaps it’s best to let her turn up, or maybe arrange to meet with her at a time that works for you (when you have support available for the aftermath)…and just lay it out once for and for all.

My circumstances with my mum are very different, but she is also in a relationship of sorts with a man I cannot stand for very good reason, and this really resonated with me:

“…she wouldn't be able to accept that I had a different view of him and his behaviour than hers and she's never been able to resist the urge to keep picking and digging at things…”

My mum is exactly the same. I’ve explained to her that I can’t stop her seeing him but I am not interested in hearing about him, talking about him or seeing him. When she insists on wittering on I very obviously grey rock her, and if she tries to get me to engage on the subject I will just get up and leave, but she still keeps trying and it drives me nuts.

Don’t feel bad about protecting yourself and your daughter. The fact that your mum has tried to involve her in this I would find absolutely unforgiveable tbh.

Sorry to hear that OP.

Very gently, scaling back therapy because you were doing so well when she wasn't in contact with you is you still needing her to behave in a particular way in order to be ok. Which actually isn't you coping well. You and your therapist need to work on some strategies for when she doesn't behave in a way that makes it easy for you to cope. You feeling unable to block her so you aren't surprised (ie, you hope she notifies you) if she turns up in person is another example of this.

In the meantime, don't respond to her. Your response saying "I want NC" is obviously self-contradictory, and again an example of you needing/wanting certain behaviour from her (you hope she respects that).

I don't think you need to worry about "opening the floodgates" - just don't respond to anything further. But it's a good lesson perhaps that stopping therapy because you're in a good patch is a fallacy. You've been through a lot, it's going to take a lot of time to unpick and feel OK about your decisions. Don't rush it.

I'd block her, have a strategy for what happens if she comes to the door (perhaps someone else answers and tells her to leave or nobody answers) and then try and give this as little attention and energy as possible. You may find after a period of no contact at all that you feel more able to deal with her. Or you may not. But as long as she is denying, minimising, not apologising there's not really any point engaging with her.

She is (still) disrepecting your boundaries - you have said no contact and she carries on contacting you.

BTW most therapists will be happy to have a chat between appointments or schedule an emergency session if you need it. But I think you've got this.

OP, she isn’t going to play ball….for now.
When you didn’t respond after a certain time, she provoked you until you did.
So that's set a bit of pattern for her to follow now. She thinks she can get to you…testing to see how much she can get away with….hoping you will modify your truth.

Double down on your resolve to be very strong and resistant to anything except an apology and a complete about turn from her. When she gives the sob story about missing you, don’t react. Let her know by your silence that you will only respond if she shows a massive and genuine change in attitude.

I would definitely concentrate on thinking about how to prevent her getting to your dd behind your back. If blocking her number is the only way to do that then so be it.

You have come a long way and got over the hardest part. Take solace in that and stick to your guns now.

When I went nc with dm when dd was still a teenager she tried to contact dd via her mate's address.. I left her a voice mail stating I would seek legal advice if she didn't stop contacting us.. She left us alone... If your dm turns up you don't have to answer.. Sadly your dm has made her bed... There absolutely is a good life after going nc. Been 12 years since I saw dm. My mh is better than ever. You have a strength you haven't used yet op.

You’ve done - and are doing - so well. I’m following and wish I had some useful advice to offer. All I can say is that it’s clear to me that you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, and you deserve peace and happiness. You’re a better mother than she is capable of being, and your daughter benefits from your hard-won experience. Hold on to that.

I've read your posts but honestly not all the replies . I understand you are revealing to your mum the abuse you suffered at the hands of a man she chose to act as a father to you and when you had your first child you confronted her to protect your child . I hope that's right . Bravo to you . You are absolutely right .
I have been in this situation and like you it was when my first born arrived I had an overwhelming need to keep her safe .
Mine wasn't a father but my mother . Who was violent and emotionally abusive as I grew up , towards me and my dad . You mentioned way back having a brother ? I have a sister who for a very long time was part of the narrative of "it didn't happen " or " you ( me) are the problem ".
I went none contact and into therapy . It was really tough , so I know how that feels . I lost my dad ( who was too weak to stand up to her ) my so-called mother and my sister . I had my mothers sister only . She listened and backed up my childhood memories of being abused .
When she died I was holding her hand not my mother .
This was a catalyst for change .
I had all the craziness of being accused of "therapy changing me " , " false narratives " . Etc . Even my sister claimed to not know what I wad talking about .
Eventually after about 10 years and 2 children my dad died . This bought us back together . My sister had also gone to therapy unbeknown to me and started making tentative approaches to me . Agreeing that she had lied about her memories and agreed a false narrative to protect herself and she was so sorry .
5 years on and I have my sister back . My mum is older and frail and has lost her power over me . I set the conditions . I only see her when someone else is there , usually family occasions. I do speak with her on the phone but end it if she starts to bring up the " you were always difficult " narrative . She sees my children aged 16 and 9 supervised .
I know it's not the same as you but I wonder where your brother is in all this . This is new in years to you and I'm saying it took me years of therapy to gain the strength you are finding . You have no alternative because you are protecting your children and are doing an amazing job . It's a shame your mother couldn't have found the strength you have found when you were a child and needed protecting .

Did your niece ever chime in with the things he said to her?

I think its good you've sent a clear 'I don't want contact'. It's good to have that in writing. I'd screenshot/photograph it, then you can probably block now.

I suspect, in a few years time more things will come to light from more people. Tbh... he sounds the sort to have dodgy stuff on his computer she may stumble accross too.

I think deep down she knows he's a monster. She's just too cowardly to leave.

Thought of you today and hope you’re ok @Richandstrange

you are doing the right thing x

That's kind Whatwasthatshow, I'm sort of ok, thanks for asking. DM has messaged a couple of times in the last few weeks, both messages full of excuses and minimising and spectacularly missing the point. I replied to the first one, I suppose in a last vain hope she would see my point of view, but the response was disappointingly predictable.

I think I'm still in the process of accepting that our relationship is over, I feel sad for both of us but I can't see any way back. I'm just plodding through day to day life hoping the weight of sadness/grief I feel will get lighter with time. Part of me still feels guilty for 'abandoning her in her old age' but I know deep down that what she did/is doing to me is far worse, even if she can't see that.

I never answered the question Pinkbonbon asked about my niece, mostly because the full details of what happened there would be instantly recognisable to enough people to identify me in rl,, but suffice to say she did not chime in. Either DD and myself misinterpreted the things she'd said in the past or she had her own reasons for not speaking out but she has actually made this whole situation a million times worse rather than better unfortunately. In fact my entire family have closed ranks around him and lied/outright denied anything connected to his behaviour even though I know they know the truth.

So it's all pretty much turned out just as I predicted, maybe even worse. I've effectively lost my entire family in one fell swoop and it's taking time for me to adjust to that. Therapy has ended so it's literally just putting one foot in front of the other and hoping to feel better one day. DH has been ill so my focus has been on hospital visits and trying to figure out how to manage for money while he's been off work (SE so no sick pay) these last few weeks. He's on the mend now thankfully but it does feel as though life is kicking us around a bit atm.

Sorry it's a bit of a grim update, I wish every day that SF just hadn't made that comment about DD and put all this in motion but I don't have any regrets about the way I've handled things since. I tried so hard to be kind and forgiving about DM's actions, and to preserve some sort of relationship with her, but her responses to what's happened recently have just compounded the damage she did by not protecting me as a teenager and it's killed any chance we had.

Are the flying monkeys worrying about having to care for her and her husband in the future?

I think it's more that they have their eyes on the prize (inheritance) tbh MILTOBE 🙄 It is giving me a tiny bit of pleasure to know that any care will be their problem rather than mine though, spiteful though that may be 😊

I’m sorry to hear things are so tough. Given what you’re dealing with, and have had to carry for such a long time, you sound like you’re handling things really well.

I’d recommend Satya Robyn Going Gently on substack for a community of people talking through difficult things together. Some is free, if you do get a subscription it costs about two cups of coffee for a month.

Thank you itsarealhumdinger, will check that out on substack x

Having a bad day today, lots of random crying, I miss my mum 😢 Is it weird that I sometimes wish we could just go back to when it was all brushed under the carpet and I could pretend everything was ok? I can see it wasn't healthy really but it was certainly easier and less painful (on the surface at least) than this.

I'm so angry with SF for raking all this back up with his comment about DD but there's nowhere for that anger to go because I can't even think about him, it makes me feel physically sick so I push any thoughts of him away as soon as they enter my head. I want to be able to turn back time and for that phone call not to have ever happened, it feels so unfair that I've lost my mum because of him.

Sometimes life is just so unfair, it's ok to cry and be angry and frustrated with this situation.
You didn't ask to be a part of this but your are.

The whole situation is so full of emotion that it's understandable you'll have some days where you cry a lot.
Don't forget that you are still grieving for the loss of your relationship with your Mum and so you have to expect days like this.

Practice some selfcare and be kind to yourself❤️

Your dm isn't what a dm should be.. Mourn who you wish she was op. She didn't protect you. She isn't worthy of her title...
You are the dm in your life now and you will protect your dd.. Be proud of yourself for that.

I am immensely proud that I haven't perpetuated the cycle with DD, in some ways it would have been easy to, given the example DM set. But the fact that I can see that it would have been easy is, I suppose, why I have some sympathy/understanding for DM's actions, and why it hurts so much to lose her even though I can see that she was wrong.

I am trying to be kind to myself SortingItOut thank you, and DH and DD are looking after me too. I'm trying not to be a total misery at the same time though, hence posting here to offload

I need some help to make a decision if anyone has any advice? DM hasn't messaged again and I never replied to her last message as it was just more 'woe is me', minimising and focusing on the wrong things. I did write a reply, just never sent it as there didn't seem any point. Except I keep going back and re-reading/editing it and going back and forth about whether to send it. It's annoying me now and I feel like I either need to send it or delete it but I can't decide which.

I've tried to analyse why part of me wants to send it and it's two things, I'm annoyed that her messages focus on all the wrong things and conveniently skip over the stuff she doesn't want to address so I suppose I want to make her face up to the real issue. And I'm annoyed by her 'poor me' tone and phrasing and want to make it clear that it's her own actions (the minimising, defending of him etc) I'm blaming her for, rather than me 'punishing her' (her words) for SF's actions.

I've also analysed the outcome I want and it's still NC, I just feel like maybe there's still some things I need to have said to her before I can be at peace with that. I feel like I want to be sure she's left with no illusions about how we got here and it's bothering me that she clearly still believes she bears no responsibility for any of it, my sense of justice (I'm autistic) is really struggling with that.

The cons of sending it are fairly obvious, it reopens communication even if I ask her not to respond, it won't actually change anything so is there any point, and part of me wonders if it would be cruel of me to completely smash the facade she's built for herself that I've somehow got him all wrong? She wouldn't be brave enough to leave him at this stage of her life so would it be kinder to just say nothing and let her keep pretending to herself that this is all in my head? And do I even owe her that degree of kindness?

So I'm confused, would sending it give me closure? Is it unnecessarily cruel to burst her bubble and not allow her to keep believing her version of events? I'm so sick of being in turmoil over all this, it's been going on for almost a year now and it's been exhausting trying to navigate it all and figure out the 'right' things to do at each stage as it progressed. I've had enough now and just need it to stop, just not sure whether sending the message is the best way to make that happen or not.

You aren't going to be able to smash that facade though. She is quite heavily in denial. I would just leave it be personally. By which I mean no contact whatsoever and trying to not think about it any more, as much as possible.

Also, I mean this kindly, but I think you are wasting a lot of energy focusing on what she wants and feels (e.g. wondering whether she would leave him) and trying to force her to change her thoughts, which she isn't going to do.