What the fuck am I going to do?

[Richandstrange]

I have posted about this before (under another name) but things feel like they're coming to a head now and I still have no idea what to do. Basically my stepdad was a creepy perv around me when I was growing up and my DM turned a blind eye and dismissed me when I tried to raise it with her. I've pushed it down inside me for years and 'tolerated' him for the sake of my relationship with DM but he recently said something to me on the phone which has brought it all back to the surface and left me unable to stand speaking to or being in the same room as him.

This is getting difficult with DM now, I haven't seen her for weeks (she lives 10 minutes drive away) and she's obviously questioning why and badgering me to get together. But they come as a package (both retired) and I genuinely don't think I can be around him, the thought makes me feel physically ill. And I can't tell her what he said because she'll minimise and defend him and I will feel even worse than I already do.

I'm not sure why I've reacted as strongly as I have, probably because what he said involved my teenage daughter, but it's like I literally can't pretend everything's ok anymore. If I'm honest part of me wants to walk away from the pair of them, I'm almost as angry with DM as I am with him for dismissing me all those years ago but we've always been close despite all that and I'm not sure I can do that to her now, she's in her 70's and not in the best of health. I also think I will be made out to be hysterical, she has very different views to me about (for example) the Me Too movement and historical SA cases in the media and I know she will think I'm making something out of nothing.

I know it must look like an easy fix, go NC and don't look back but that would utterly devastate my DM and, despite everything I've written here, I'm not sure I can do that to her, she's been a good mum in lots of other ways. I feel so stressed about it all I'm genuinely worried about my MH and the pressure to see DM is mounting, I just feel like it's all approaching boiling point and I have no idea what to do.

Thanks all, I'm still feeling a bit gobsmacked tbh, subsequent calls have made no mention of it and DM just seems to want to build on mine and her relationship going forward, which is amazing! She's coming next week for a visit which I'm (surprisingly) finding myself really looking forward to, I actually want to see her now it doesn't involve him.

I suppose it has felt like I'd lost her these last few months because I'd withdrawn so much from her and now it feels like I've got her back. I know some of you won't understand why I would want that but, as I said before, she's a whole person to me, not just this aspect and I do still want her in my life. I feel like this is my chance to redraw the lines of our relationship though and I will be doing just that, I've actually had two major lessons in how to develop better boundaries in recent years (the other was an issue with DH/DSC, now resolved) and I've learned a lot from both.

I haven't wanted to say anything before (in case I jinx myself or someone burst my bubble I suppose) but something else potentially amazing has come out of all this too. My therapist has been encouraging me to pursue a career path I've wanted for a long time and has actually managed to help me get a volunteer role that will get me started by linking me with someone she knows. I'm beyond excited (and terrified!) because this could completely change my family's life and none of it would be happening if I hadn't needed therapy over the situation with SF/DM. This actually seems to be a pattern in my life, something horribly traumatic happening but then something wonderful coming out of it in the end so I'm grabbing the opportunity with both hands, I start in January!

I can relate, and no contact and years of therapy have been the only thing that has worked for me. Wishing you strength, wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Lovely news. Best wishes for the new job!

Good luck with your new career …fantastic news !

I'm having an attack of guilt today, feel like I've basically just shifted the burden of all this from me to DM and am wondering if that was really fair, think I might need an MN talking to She's generally been ok, came for a visit this week and it was nice. She is starting to drop the occasional comment vaguely referring to things being a bit awkward and her needing to 'tackle this' with him and looks/sounds worried when we're discussing future get togethers excluding him which is making me feel bad. I suppose I feel like I've effectively put her in exactly the position I've been in these past few months, worrying about how to broach something uncomfortable with someone she cares about. I've just transferred the weight of that from me to her and I feel bad about that, although I accept that I probably shouldn't.

Rationally I can see that this was never my fault or problem to fix and that she bears at least some responsibility for allowing his behaviour, emotionally I just feel like I've dumped it all on her to sort and that feels wrong. There's nothing much I can do about it now anyway, the cat is out of the bag and can't be put back in so we have to move forward, just wish I could do it without feeling guilty.

TBH, if she doesn't have the kind of relationship with him where she can just say 'Rich would rather just see me' then that is her problem not yours. Any decent partner would be willing to step back to allow their partner to have the relationship they want with their children.

Well she needs to do what she should have done all those years ago. Don’t feel bad OP, it’s her crap to sort out and not yours

Private therapy can be more affordable than you might think. Many therapists offer reduced fees if genuinely needed (I am a therapist). It sounds like you would greatly benefit as the situation and history sounds distressing and disturbing for you.

She will find this difficult. She is watching you protect your daughter in a way she didn’t protect you. And at the same time confronting the behaviour of a partner she’s been with for a long time.

But, often hard things are what is most worthwhile to do. I suspect that in 5 years, when your relationship with her is stronger and more honest, she’ll be pleased that you went through this process together.

It’s hard to see your parents as real people in their own right - too often we see them in terms of our relationship to them. So as they get older we feel protective etc because our relationship to them is a looking after/caring one. But this could be really good for your mum as a person, to help her grow emotionally and improve her relationship with you.

Sit tight- you’ve done nothing wrong and you’ve spoken the truth. Give her time .

The minimising and denial has begun, I knew it would come but it's still a kick in the teeth. She's only touched on it so far but I feel like I'm steeling myself for the onslaught, just hope I can stay strong and use what the therapist taught me.

I shouldn't be so disappointed, I knew she wouldn't be able to stop herself defending him and trying to shove this back under the carpet but it still feels horrible. I know at some point she's going to say all the things I don't want to hear (you're overreacting, he doesn't mean anything by it, you're ruining my old age because the family can't all be together, can't you just put it to one side and tolerate him for my sake etc etc) and I'm dreading it. I knew her initial reaction was too good to be true, time to batten down the hatches I suppose.

Ah OP that must be hard. Are you still seeing the therapist? It really is for your mother to decide her boundaries, and you, yours. If she can't live with seeing you but excluding SF - and finds it easier to face you excluding yourself (albeit, all the while telling herself youll chnge your mind) - then that is her choice to make, unfortunately, just as your refusal to see SF is your right and your boundary.

Thanks candycane222, I'm actually not that worried about her deciding not to see me, it's the emotional onslaught she's likely to throw at me before she reaches that conclusion I'm really scared of. I pretty much know what she's going to say and the therapist gave me some strategies to shut her down so I'm hoping I can do that, I just know how hard I'm going to find hearing her try to minimise it all.

I ended the therapy when I sent the letter, thought I'd gone as far as I could with it but really wish I hadn't now. Might go back to the private one I saw before the NHS therapy came through if I can squeeze the money, need a few weeks to recover from Christmas before that's likely to be an option though. I suppose that's why I'm back here, I'm trying to bolster whatever support I can to help me withstand the huge wave of guilt she's about to send my way, it's not going to be pretty.

Gah my phone just ate a post and no time to reqrite now, - but consider yourself supported.

@Richandstrange go back and read your update on 12th Dec. You absolutely bossed the conversation with your mum and were rightly proud. Try and channel that strength in any conversations going forward. You can do this!

I think you will surprise yourself OP. You have the tools now to assert yourself respectfully (you have managed this very well once already ) so take strength from that. Acknowledge your fear but put it into perspective and hold it firmly at bay.

I would take this as confirmation that you've done the right thing, so shouldn't feel guilty.

If she had suddenly gone super rational for ever, eventually there would have been a small part of you that wondered whether it was all in your mind and that all you needed to do was express yourself and she would manage him. But now you know that's not true.

I would just grey rock it. Say 'I'm sorry you feel this way, but what he means is irrelevant, it's how it makes me feel and your words can't change that. Take it or leave it.'

The only person who has any right to feel guilt is her. She let you down as a child, and the least she can do is make it up to you now by doing what you have asked. If she's not willing to do that, she is letting you down again.

I'd assert myself when she hints at anything. Have some strong words to hand to shut her down and tell her that you don't want to hear her making excuses for him, and if she continues then you'll be forced to stay away from her to.

Ugh, another call just now, content as expected I dealt with it well on the phone but feel horribly guilty and back to questioning whether I am, in fact, just making a big fuss about nothing now. She's apparently agonising over how to approach it with him because she doesn't think he'll even understand what he's done wrong and will be really hurt and upset.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that, she's making him the victim already and I know I shouldn't be (because it's exactly what I expected) but I'm so hurt and disappointed by that. She did manage to ask whether he'd ever 'done anything really bad' to me but expressed not an ounce of concern or compassion for how he'd made me feel or the fact that I've been going through the same turmoil she's in right now over telling him for the last 6 months while I figured out how to tell her.

She asked twice who else I'd talked to about this but I couldn't work out whether she was worried about who else I'd 'badmouthed' him to or whether she suspects I may have had therapy and wants to blame that for me saying what I've said. She has made comments in the past about people 'going funny' when they've had therapy or counselling so I wouldn't be surprised if it's that. I'm swinging between angry and wanting the ground to swallow me, I'm not sure which is worse.

I would just grey rock it. Say 'I'm sorry you feel this way, but what he means is irrelevant, it's how it makes me feel and your words can't change that. Take it or leave it.'

I said pretty much exactly this during the last call, I think the fact that I'm asserting myself like that is what may be making her wonder if I've had therapy tbh, I'm definitely using what I learned! And I can see that that's good and means I've made progress, I just wish my confidence didn't crumble the second I'm off the phone.

Write down your stock of helpful phrases & keep them ready for when she calls.

She is likely to get worse before she gets better, like a toddler escalating a screaming fit. Extinction burst, I think it’s called.

Remember it’s her being selfish because she doesn’t want to tackle a difficult problem. But it’s not YOUR problem anymore, you’ve put down your boundaries.

You’re strong. You’ve got this.

You’re strong. You’ve got this.

DH is telling me the same, it is helping to hear (and read) it and I'm trying really hard to keep your voices in my head instead of hers.

Remember it’s her being selfish because she doesn’t want to tackle a difficult problem

Exactly this, and I understand her twisting and turning trying to find any other solution so she doesn't have to tackle it because I've been doing the same thing for the last 6 months! She needs to understand that I can't provide emotional support while she works through it though, and I need to not feel guilty about that.

Grey rock is the way to go.

'Has he done anything really bad' - you know how I feel about him, you don't need the details

'Have you told anyone else' - that's not any of your concern

As for him being upset and your dm not knowing how to broach the subject - not your problem and you don't need to know

Tbh when she tries to talk to you about it I think my standard response would be 'I've explained everything in the letter Mum, let's talk about something else - what have you got planned for this weekend?

Honestly? I am very angry at your mother for you. Very angry and I have no stakes in this at all.

Her child has been subjected to so much trauma and all she can think about is how the perpetrator will be perceived and how she can make things easy for HIM???

Can she not see how unhinged she is, how wrong her priorities are?

You need to let all the guilt turn into anger, OP. She is heaping more and more trauma on you now. She is perpetuating the abuse to all intents and purposes, re-traumatizing you with every word she says.

You’re doing well tackling this. Keep your focus on you, your daughter and your niece. Be clear with your mum that you will see her but not him, and shut down her efforts to minimise or try to claim you’re being influenced by others. I’d try to keep the calls short and divert discussions if she tries to circle back to her concerns for him and his feelings. Practise what you want to say and have some distraction questions ready, as barkymcbark says.

It’s unlikely that she’s ever going to change her views on him as she seems far too invested in him. This is what will be hard to accept because we would all want her to understand how you feel be and chuck him out, but she’s probably not going to. So you need to hold the line on not seeing him and push the discomfort about his reactions firmly back on to your mum.

Outwardly I think I'm handling it well, I'm finding sticking to my boundaries easier than expected in the moment but my god am I wobbling behind the scenes. Not sure if I've done the right thing but I've called NHS talking therapies and asked if I can re-refer myself, they read my notes and have said they'll arrange for my original therapist to call me which I didn't expect, just thought it might be prudent to get myself back on the waiting list because I don't feel like I'm coping. Feel a bit guilty now, didn't mean to jump the queue or be any bother and didn't dare hope I'd get the same (amazing) therapist back, bit worried I'm taking resources other people might need more than I do. That said I do really feel like I need her!