What the fuck am I going to do?

[Richandstrange]

I have posted about this before (under another name) but things feel like they're coming to a head now and I still have no idea what to do. Basically my stepdad was a creepy perv around me when I was growing up and my DM turned a blind eye and dismissed me when I tried to raise it with her. I've pushed it down inside me for years and 'tolerated' him for the sake of my relationship with DM but he recently said something to me on the phone which has brought it all back to the surface and left me unable to stand speaking to or being in the same room as him.

This is getting difficult with DM now, I haven't seen her for weeks (she lives 10 minutes drive away) and she's obviously questioning why and badgering me to get together. But they come as a package (both retired) and I genuinely don't think I can be around him, the thought makes me feel physically ill. And I can't tell her what he said because she'll minimise and defend him and I will feel even worse than I already do.

I'm not sure why I've reacted as strongly as I have, probably because what he said involved my teenage daughter, but it's like I literally can't pretend everything's ok anymore. If I'm honest part of me wants to walk away from the pair of them, I'm almost as angry with DM as I am with him for dismissing me all those years ago but we've always been close despite all that and I'm not sure I can do that to her now, she's in her 70's and not in the best of health. I also think I will be made out to be hysterical, she has very different views to me about (for example) the Me Too movement and historical SA cases in the media and I know she will think I'm making something out of nothing.

I know it must look like an easy fix, go NC and don't look back but that would utterly devastate my DM and, despite everything I've written here, I'm not sure I can do that to her, she's been a good mum in lots of other ways. I feel so stressed about it all I'm genuinely worried about my MH and the pressure to see DM is mounting, I just feel like it's all approaching boiling point and I have no idea what to do.

it feels so unfair that I've lost my mum because of him.

You haven't lost your Mum because of him.

You've lost her (in fact never had her) because of her.

Sorry OP, I agree with PP. You are spending a lot of time imagining you have influence over what she thinks, what she believes is true, whilst ignoring the evidence in front you that, over and over again, you have no such influence.

I want to make her face up to the real issue
Is it unnecessarily cruel to burst her bubble and not allow her to keep believing her version of events?

This is never going to happen. She's made it abundantly clear that she is not interested in your experience or point of view. There is nothing you can say to her that will change that. She will keep believing her version of events regardless. There are no words, no magic phrasing, no special extra piece of information or "gotcha" moment you can say that will change that.

Very sadly, the best thing you can do is accept this, and focus on your own healing independent of what you mother believes and thinks.

In my experience some people cannot be forced to see the truth in things. You can go round and round and round showing them clearly why their warped view is just not reality. I suspect your mum would be the same. You'd send the message and get another message that totally misses what you were trying to get her to see. Then you'd be tempted to reply and explain again.. and again... and again....

In my experience it is best to just get off the merry-go-round. She won't ever see, or admit to seeing, the truth. You need to let it go.

Oh OP for your and your kids sake Drop The Rope.

You will never, ever get her to have some kind of Revelation. She will never, ever acknowledge the truth.

You are flogging a dead horse. Stop it.

Have skim read the thread. Horrible situation and he sounds awful. More fool your dm for not seeing him clearly.

As for wishing he hadn’t made that remark re your DD - well yes I can see why you wish this hadn’t been triggered. But if you’d stayed in contact with him, it could have progressed to worse.

I think really OP if you want NC now then go NC. Write things down and burn them if you need to. Have more talking therapy. But your DM has made her choice sadly.

I'm afraid I agree with the others. You really need to stop focusing on the issue now, it's taken up a huge amount of emotional energy so far and you are never ever going to get the resolution you crave. Delete the message, sending it will only result in yet another message from her that you then agonise over. Break the cycle.

I totally understand the desire to clarify your position but it probably won't give you the closure you'd like. She is being willfully ignorant and that narrative conveniently paints her as the victim (in her mind). You know the truth. She has been a crap parent to you. Her thoughts really aren't worth anything. I'm really sorry this has happened to you.

OP, your DM can’t accept your version of this so many years down the line as it would mean facing up to what she has done. Trying to make her do this is pointless.

Do you want a relationship with DM if she agrees to see you without him and agrees never to bring the topic with you? If so, have you suggested this?

If not, I would ignore any of the self pitying in her texts and respond to any of the neutral content if there is any. I am very LC with DM. I respond in my own time in a grey rock fashion. Never giving any info she can use and never asking any questions beyond basic. Works for me.

It's taken me a little while to digest all your replies, if I'm honest probably because they weren't what I initially wanted to hear. But I'm actually glad you were unanimous, it means there's a clear 'right' thing to do from an objective point of view and it's made me realise I haven't even scratched the surface of dealing with how much all this has hurt me and messed me up.

I'm going to refer myself back to talking therapies tomorrow and might see if I can get in to see the GP as well. I reread all my posts on this thread earlier today and I'm not really any further forward am I? So, time to do something about it I guess. Thanks all for your honesty and insight, it's not always easy to read but it is appreciated.

Glad to hear that you've realised you're still bogged down in this and will get help to get free.

I hope you find some peace x

I'm so sorry you've gone through all this misery.
I think you should be bloody proud of yourself.

You've told your dm exactly what happened and the effect it's had on you. Her reaction and response is hers to own, from what you've said I think it most unlikely she will ever see things the way you do.

I think you're much stronger than you know, and you've made 100% sure your dd won't ever have to deal with this vile old pervert.
Concentrate now on you and your little family unit, therapy I hope will really help you deal with all this.

Practise some self love and realise that you're a bloody awesome woman wife and mother x

These things take time.
a lifetime of closeness with your mum. To contemplate closing that off is huge.
you may not feel further along but you’ll know you’re doing the required thinking and processing to know you’re doing the right thing. It’s not rash xx

Having a little cry (again!) at how kind you've all been, not sure what I'd do without this place. Got my assessment appointment with talking therapies on Monday so at least I'll be on the waiting list and I've filled in an e-consult with the GP as well. I've had depression before and can feel myself sliding so I'm going to ask for AD's, was hoping to avoid that but I really don't like the way I'm feeling. Haven't even thought about the message today, need to concentrate on myself for a while I think.

Ugh, the flying monkeys have begun, major guilt trip received today, another number to block

Oh, you poor thing, it's always draining, isn't it? Try your best to ignore them and not let it get to you.

I'm doing ok actually, the guilt trip didn't work and I've done a quick cycle through 'should I feel guilty/am I a horrible person for not feeling guilty/should I cave and resume contact' and come out at 'no, her own actions have caused this outcome/no, I just have morals and standards and boundaries/no, resuming contact would not be in my interests', so a fairly healthy reaction I think! I'm more irritated that they've forced themselves into my thoughts again than anything else tbh, I've been plodding along quite happily not thinking about them of late so it feels like an unwelcome intrusion.

Good for you. I get what you are saying, though, even if they don't manage it's annoying them trying to drag you back.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this and for everything that is happening within your family.
For what it's worth I think you sound amazing and that you're dealing with this situation in a calm and kinder manner than I would be able to, please be proud of how far you've come even if you don't feel that way.
X

I didn't block quickly enough and the next couple of messages pretty much filled the flying monkey bingo card 🙄 DM is clearly in full victim mode and I literally ticked off everything I expected to get chucked at me from the beginning, which just made the manipulation more obvious tbh.

I am doubting myself a little on one thing though, there seems to be a feeling that I haven't properly explained why I've gone NC, that I've dropped a bomb and then run away to save facing the consequences, which is bothering me on two fronts. I'm irritated that they're seeing NC as me 'hiding' when for me it's been a positive action to protect my own MH/self esteem/boundaries. And I never wanted to cause DM unnecessary pain and now I'm worried that maybe I haven't explained fully enough and that's stopping her from moving on. I don't know, I feel a bit uncertain and confused again today.

Absolutely not planning on acting on any of it but it's annoying that they've made me question myself again. Really need my next lot of counselling to come through, should only be a few more weeks from the estimate they gave me but can't come soon enough.

I suspect the lack of knowledge on the part of the Flying Monkeys @Richandstrange is because your "D"M has deliberately misrepresented a truth she well know in order to gain their sympathy. If I were a betting girl, I'd be 100% sure she knows exactly why you've gone NC and this faux confusion is just more manipulation.

Stand firm. You've got this.

Agreed, FM was insistent they had the full story as DM had shown them my messages and relayed the content of the calls before I went NC. Didn't seem to have any awareness that there's 40-odd years of backstory behind all this, or that DM will have related things from her own perspective, but this person has form for being both naive and self righteous all at the same time so really not surprising!

I'm fighting as hard as I can not to let it get to me and mostly winning, I suppose it's fairly normal to have moments when I wobble so I'm trying to just sit with it and let my brain process, it's just frustrating when I just want to move on now.

Agree with PP that FM won’t have anything like the truth here.

Is there one FM who is slightly more reasonable than the rest to whom you could send a factual statement like this:

‘When I was growing up SF did and said many inappropriate things that made me very uncomfortable. At the time I told DM but she dismissed me. This continues until DH came on the scene and then SF stopped his inappropriate behaviours for many years and so I brushed it under the carpet so that I didn’t upset DM.

Recently in a phone call with me, SF said this about DD <insert inappropriate comment>. While I couldn’t do anything to protect myself against SF as a child, and while my DM refused to protect me back then, I can and will 100% protect DD from his behaviour now. She will never have to go near him again.

I told DM about this recent comment and also said that I did want a relationship with DM but no longer would see SF. Sadly although she initially seemed to understand, she has again chosen to minimise his behaviour and put him before her DD and DGD.

This is her choice. Mine is to protect my family from ever having to feel like I did.

I hope you now understand the situation and won’t contact me about it again. I wish you and your family well, and you are welcome to keep in touch and visit us, but be clear that I won’t be discussing this further and if you in any way try to argue me out of this position, we will have no contact going forward.

Just to be clear, I wont attend any family event where SF is present. I won’t respond to any further harassment on this issue, this is my final word. I will put my family first always. All the best. “

I do agree that silence is often best but a clear and factual statement like this difficult to argue against. And might spread between the FM who will all recognise the very obvious truth in it. It might prevent future FM attacks. I know you run the risk of them replying saying you are exaggerating or got SF all wrong, but if so it’s an immediate block and NC and nothing lost if someone can’t see how clear that statement is.

I hope you are still getting benefit from therapy

💐

Part of me really wants to send that Catoo (perfect synopsis btw) but I'm pretty sure I will get exactly the response you mention and I'm worried hearing that from people other than DM (who I expect it from) might knock my MH again when I'm working so hard to protect/improve it.

I genuinely don't care what any of them think of me, what's angering me is the sense that they're 'getting away' with shoving this back under the rug without acknowledging that what happened to me was wrong. But I'm never going to get that acknowledgment from them so I think I just need to find a way to make peace with the injustice, bloody hard though.

Contact from DM today, apologising for FM bothering me plus a healthy dose of poor-me/emotional blackmail for good measure, so far so predictable! Her messages sound like a stranger though which is weirding me out a bit, feel like I never really knew her at all which feels odd to say about your own mother.

I haven't responded to any of it and don't intend to but I hate that it's all churning around my head again because they can't seem to leave it alone. Talking therapies said 6-8 weeks for counselling and it's been 6 now so hoping that will come through soon. Feel like I just need to get everything that's buzzing round my head out and I don't want to keep rehashing it with DH or my friends so sorry to keep dumping it here in the meantime

Keep posting, it’s a hell of a lot to deal with. That is a very long time to go between therapy sessions but you’re almost there.

You are doing the right thing, you know that and we know that and your husband knows that. The rest is noise.