Mother-in-law turned up unannounced

[HopeG]

My MIL turned up unannounced this evening.

Came round with gifts for my 5-year-old at about 5pm from her holiday (including sweets which she knows we don’t like giving him) and stayed until 7pm.

She has never turned up without calling or texting before. My husband was out picking up our family takeaway and I had got into my pyjamas as we weren’t expecting visitors.

To me it seems very rude just to turn up unannounced.

What would you do about it?

Best to ignore on this occasion and get husband to raise it with her if it happens again?

I’m assuming if you’ve been together long enough to have a child, and your MIL hasn’t done this before, then this was a one off. (I mean, I’m guessing you’d have said, if it were a regular occurrence?).

She’s back from a holiday, probably missed her grandchild and was excited to hand out presents.

Grandparents are famous for losing all sense of reason when it comes to their grandchildren. Mine bought them too many presents, sweets etc too. it’s perfectly normal. And yes, it can be frustrating.

Like one of the earlier posters said, I wouldn’t do anything. There really is nothing to be done.

As someone who hates unexpected visitors and people who "just pop in" - I would never dream of showing up to someone's house without a message asking if they were around first - I still think OP is being batshit.

I may not enjoy a surprise guest but as an adult I can surely cope with one, especially if it's a family member just back from holiday with gifts. Dropping in at a perfectly reasonable time too - after work but not dinnertime and not too late. (Already being in pyjamas at 5pm is not something she could have reasonably predicted.)

I'm not above ignoring the doorbell if it rings and I'm absolutely not in a position to give anyone my time. But if I do, it's incumbent on me to be gracious.

Also you should have full control over how long an unexpected guest stays. Open the door, oh how lovely to see you MIL, thanks so much for dropping by, unfortunately I'm absolutely slammed right now with XYZ and I've only got half an hour spare. Absolutely no reason for you to sit there seething for two hours.

Everyone feels differently about it, but tbh unless she has form/is toxic/controlling, then as a one off it's really not a big deal in the big scheme of things.

The 'glad I don't have a DIL like you' are no more dramatic than the 'intrusion/I would think someone died' comments.

Life is about compromise and balance. Everyone is better for it 🧘🏽‍♀️

My mum always turn up unannounced. Yes at times it can be a little inconvenient, for example if I'm in/just out the shower but a lot of my friends have recently lost parents and I know would give anything to have them just 'pop round' again so I just remember that. She won't be popping round forever and while she does, I will be happy to see her.

I don't live with my dp and his family don't live as close but if we did and they popped round, I'd feel the same way for him.

Can I just clear up - I'm not being dramatic by my head instantly going to the worse case scenario. It's a trauma response. Would absolutely love not to have that reaction.
I'm not saying it's normal, I was just (mistakingly) sharing one of the reasons why I wouldn't like someone to pop by unannounced.

Obviously once the door was answered and someone was stood there smiling I would know that it wasn't the case, but between the realising that a car of a family member had come on to the drive and getting to the door I would be bracing myself for bad news.

If that's ridiculous to some, if you can roll your eyes and tell me to get a grip then that's brilliant for you.

Unfortunately, I cannot.

@aperolspritzbasicbitch I think people were deliberately misunderstanding you.

Twice I've had strange men turn up at my door in the night and ask to come inside for help charging a phone etc.

Sometimes, I still get a little fright if someone knocks when it's dark out and I wasn't expecting it. It only lasts for a second and obviously goes once I see who's at the door.

I think youre weird. She sounds lovely and thoughtful

As a mother-in-law to several, I definitely would not turn up unannounced. I always messaged or rang to ask if it was okay to pop by. I always got the reply ‘of course’. I think it makes for respectful relationships.

She called around with gifts for your child. I would say "thank you, how nice" or similar. What else is needed?

Unless she's barrelling into your home several times a week and looking for dinner I don't see the harm.

I would be annoyed because i hate having contact with people out of the blue BUT i wouldnt be angry at her, she didnt do it spitefully.

I’m a MIL and it’s the opposite at my place . My DIL turns up unannounced at my place sometimes with little DGC .It does not bother me in the slightest . I could never think the way you do.

This 💯
Plus turning up with sweets when 1. She knows they arnt allowed (rightly or wrongly its a parents choice) and 2. In the evening so the children will want to eat them and be hyper at bed time just isnt on. Plus they were about to have their dinner. I would not have been impressed either OP

It reminded me so much of my childhood in the Caribbean! We just dropped in at family and it was so exciting when a friend of the parents came to visit 😂

And my parents had a cupboard full of alcohol but only drank it when we had ‘company’

Mustn’t have had much going on

Whilst I'm not a fan of unexpected visitors Idnot have a pro lem with this So what is the real problem with your MIL?

this thread is utterly ridiculous - if someone is an introvert or different, God forbid! It shows a distinct lack of intelligence that so many cannot imagine why barging over to someone’s home unannounced could be rude.

This 100%. But then, we know what MN thinks of introverts, right? raises a cynical eyebrow

I wouldn't think it was rude and I'd be happy to see my MIL. But you do you.

Of course its rude! People don't like it, but you personally don't have a problem with it so continue to do it anyway because it suits you and your wishes? How is that not rude? Why can't you take 20 seconds to send a text message? Why does it have to be on your terms? Why does it only matter if it suits you, and not the person who's house your going to?

Remember it is important in MN land to make sure your husband's mother knows her place and is not to feel welcome in your home. Visits are to be strictly by appointment only and all items to be distributed to your children are to be subject to strict vetting procedures. It is better if you can demonstrate a double standard here as well by giving your own mother a key.

🙄😁

On a more serious note, if this is all you have to worry about, think yourself lucky.

I'm an introvert (well at least according to every Myers Briggs test I've ever done), but I manage to be able to deal with unexpected visitors to my home without thinking it is some unforgivable sin. Being an introvert doesn't mean you can just be intolerance of extrovert behaviour.

but I manage to be able to deal with unexpected visitors to my home without thinking it is some unforgivable sin.

But you shouldn't have to deal with people, plus I don't get why people are happy to turn up knowing it's unwanted tbh😮

It's also bot extrovert behaviour as a set rule, I know my mom is as big as extrovert as it gets, she's a loud person in general yet if certian people turn up inviting she doesn't like it, her reasoning is usually that their coming to eat food and be entertained

Extroverts and MILs- worst people on earth according to Mumsnet. And as for an extrovert MIL......!

It's not just being an introvert, there's the busyness that comes with life these days and more and more people working from home. There could any number of time constraints, commitments and crazy timetabling going on that you're not aware of. It's common decency to check. "Oh I didn't realise you'd have eating your dinner/working/bathing kids/be in your pjs after a chaotic day/batch cooking for tomorrow/cleaning your bathroom because this was the only tiny window of time you had to fit it in that I've now rudely taken/etc". Yes because you deliberately kept yourself in the position of not knowing by keeping the knowledge of your visit to yourself, because you didn't want to be told it wasn't a convenient time! Surely even extroverted people can understand its often not about not wanting to see someone, but that it's better manners to arrange a convenient time for both parties?

I don't actually think it's to do with extroverts or introverts. I think it's family culture. In my family dropping in is fine. And if you drop in in the middle of a row you drop out again. Drop in in the middle of a busy time, roll your sleeves up and help. Drop in in the middle of children's tea, make a cup of tea and join them at the table. Drop in at bathtime-either chat in the bath or go to the kitchen and do the washing up until they get out again.

Myers-Briggs has been completely discredited, BTW.

With my relatives, they turn up unannounced. Nobody had been at home when they did.
Why drive a long way without checking first?
They phone when on the doorstep asking me why I'm not there.

@KirstenBlest "Why drive a long way without checking first?"

Driving a long way is clearly daft. Popping round the corner-not so much.