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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mother-in-law turned up unannounced

266 replies

HopeG · 07/06/2023 19:52

My MIL turned up unannounced this evening.

Came round with gifts for my 5-year-old at about 5pm from her holiday (including sweets which she knows we don’t like giving him) and stayed until 7pm.

She has never turned up without calling or texting before. My husband was out picking up our family takeaway and I had got into my pyjamas as we weren’t expecting visitors.

To me it seems very rude just to turn up unannounced.

What would you do about it?

Best to ignore on this occasion and get husband to raise it with her if it happens again?

OP posts:
Cactuslove · 07/06/2023 21:35

Raise 'it'- raise what? I'm so confused. Family member popped in with gifts for grandchild after a holiday. Stayed for 2 hrs and got going.

BBYBjorn · 07/06/2023 21:35

I’ve not done that, it’s because I think she’s absolutely totally wrong.

No, I think the snippy and rude responses to the OP prove otherwise. If it was just a reasonable difference of opinion (with maybe even some empathy) then I'd agree

Billyho · 07/06/2023 21:36

BodegaSushi · 07/06/2023 21:33

The most Mumsnet comment ever

Show quote history

Agreed!!

Billyho · 07/06/2023 21:37

BBYBjorn · 07/06/2023 21:35

I’ve not done that, it’s because I think she’s absolutely totally wrong.

No, I think the snippy and rude responses to the OP prove otherwise. If it was just a reasonable difference of opinion (with maybe even some empathy) then I'd agree

Nah most people thinks she wrong, because she is!

bellac11 · 07/06/2023 21:37

Why do people answer the door then if you're walking around with nothing on or your PJs.

I wont answer the door if Im not comfortable to see someone in what Im wearing (no bra etc), or in the loo, or toilet, or cooking or whatever.

BBYBjorn · 07/06/2023 21:37

Nah most people thinks she wrong, because she is!

Proving my point!

MoiraRoseForever · 07/06/2023 21:39

Billyho · 07/06/2023 20:58

Log it with 101

Go no contact

get a ring doorbell

never ever answer answer your door again, unless you’re expecting someone!

get therapy

But this might be the early stage of dementia, see if you can get her a GP appointment…

bellac11 · 07/06/2023 21:40

MoiraRoseForever · 07/06/2023 21:39

But this might be the early stage of dementia, see if you can get her a GP appointment…

Show quote history

I dont know though.... shes probably got ASD or she's narcissistic

Snugglemonkey · 07/06/2023 21:41

barmycatmum · 07/06/2023 20:06

I disagree with PPs. My gosh, not sure why everyone is down your throat about this!

I don’t like unannounced visitors, either. In fact, cannot STAND them to the point of - I will not answer the door.
But I work at home, and I’ll be working at odd hours and really can’t be interrupted.

so just ask her to text or phone next time?

this sounds like a one-off, since she was on a trip, so I’m not sure I would state the boundary right away.

maybe it would be easiest simply to not answer the door if you’re in your pyjamas looking forward to a rest - then if she asks, you can say you didn’t know to expect her, and you don’t answer the door unless you’ve arranged it.

it’s really common courtesy, in my world 🤷🏻‍♀️

Me too. I do not answer the door if I don't know who it is. Or the phone.

OutdoorPillow · 07/06/2023 21:42

She called with gifts from your child?

What. A. Cunt.

Fast forward 13 years when your child is an adult and I bet you won’t expect to see them without making an appointment first.

DanceMonster · 07/06/2023 21:44

Snugglemonkey · 07/06/2023 21:41

Me too. I do not answer the door if I don't know who it is. Or the phone.

Show quote history

Can’t you see who it is out of the window?

Dillydollydingdong · 07/06/2023 21:45

My ddil gave me a key and said feel free to come whenever. I usually DM her but she wouldn't have a problem. I'm lucky. Lovely girl.

UCknowitall · 07/06/2023 21:45

BodegaSushi · 07/06/2023 19:58

This guy absolutely nails how times have changed with unannounced visitors 😂 vm.tiktok.com/ZGJQeyx5U/

Awesome.
Must have been written for MN door phobic loonies. V funny 🤣

Gotaearnabuck · 07/06/2023 21:48

Wow post basically captures a wide section of British society in a oner - it's like "I want complete control of who I see and how I see them" usually followed by "where we live there is no community noone talks to each other it's such a shame" - ironic. In most of the rest of world "dropping in" on people is not just accepted it's expected and think they're better for it tbh

Billyho · 07/06/2023 21:48

BBYBjorn · 07/06/2023 21:37

Nah most people thinks she wrong, because she is!

Proving my point!

That’s she’s wrong?

agreed!

Not been back has she? Maybe doesn’t like being on line with her PJs on?

UCknowitall · 07/06/2023 21:49

barmycatmum · 07/06/2023 20:06

I disagree with PPs. My gosh, not sure why everyone is down your throat about this!

I don’t like unannounced visitors, either. In fact, cannot STAND them to the point of - I will not answer the door.
But I work at home, and I’ll be working at odd hours and really can’t be interrupted.

so just ask her to text or phone next time?

this sounds like a one-off, since she was on a trip, so I’m not sure I would state the boundary right away.

maybe it would be easiest simply to not answer the door if you’re in your pyjamas looking forward to a rest - then if she asks, you can say you didn’t know to expect her, and you don’t answer the door unless you’ve arranged it.

it’s really common courtesy, in my world 🤷🏻‍♀️

No. Not common . Some random work colleague perhaps.. your MIL and dc grandma ? Weird rude and a bit bonkers!

Billyho · 07/06/2023 21:49

Dillydollydingdong · 07/06/2023 21:45

My ddil gave me a key and said feel free to come whenever. I usually DM her but she wouldn't have a problem. I'm lucky. Lovely girl.

Lovely 🥰

ThatFraggle · 07/06/2023 21:50

This is why there's an epidemic of loneliness.

Billyho · 07/06/2023 21:50

Snugglemonkey · 07/06/2023 21:41

Me too. I do not answer the door if I don't know who it is. Or the phone.

Show quote history

Oh dear…

Disappointed1 · 07/06/2023 21:52

I would be seething if this was my MIL. In fact my MIL did it at the weekend but it was at 9am on a Saturday. A full 24 hours before she was meant to be arriving to stay down for a couple of days. She’s a narc and constantly pushes boundaries and it doesn’t go well if you put them in. Thankfully my DH is fully on board, wants to see them less than I do so we will slowly withdraw and put boundaries in. Keep them at arms distance for a bit.

If your DH agrees with you he should say ‘let us know next time’ if he doesn’t then you may need to bite your tongue and wait and see. If he doesn’t agree with you I would suggest you have a bag ready. If she rocks up again grab the bag and say ‘I was just heading out to see some friends. Enjoy your evening with each other’ and go get some wine

Billyho · 07/06/2023 21:52

bellac11 · 07/06/2023 21:40

I dont know though.... shes probably got ASD or she's narcissistic

Show quote history

Yeah you’re right, I hadn’t thought of those things!

Cosycover · 07/06/2023 21:52

Jesus christ this is outrageous. I wonder who will play you in the movie.

bringincrazyback · 07/06/2023 21:53

Applecoresweet · 07/06/2023 21:05

She probably just didn't realised she needed a formal appointment to drop in on family.

It's not about appointments, it's about being considerate and respecting someone's time.

MysteryBelle · 07/06/2023 21:55

You should be presentable at all times as an example to your children and for unexpected visits from social services or beloved mothers in law.

schnubbins · 07/06/2023 21:56

My MIL has been doing this for the last 26 years and guess what ?....I am always glad to see her. This is a very sad post OP.