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Original poster

Mother-in-law turned up unannounced

266 replies

HopeG · 07/06/2023 19:52

My MIL turned up unannounced this evening.

Came round with gifts for my 5-year-old at about 5pm from her holiday (including sweets which she knows we don’t like giving him) and stayed until 7pm.

She has never turned up without calling or texting before. My husband was out picking up our family takeaway and I had got into my pyjamas as we weren’t expecting visitors.

To me it seems very rude just to turn up unannounced.

What would you do about it?

Best to ignore on this occasion and get husband to raise it with her if it happens again?

OP posts:
Tappetytap · 08/06/2023 17:09

Was your son pleased to see her? I always think of it from my kids perspective and that helps. I think the kids love MIL and are happy to see her so I don't mind being inconvenienced once in a while.

YukoandHiro · 08/06/2023 17:10

I would get my DH to send a little text to his mum saying that you were a bit embarrassed to be caught unawares in your PJs and could she send a courtesy message next time.

But unless there's a back story I couldn't get too stressed out about it

YukoandHiro · 08/06/2023 17:12

CurlewKate · 08/06/2023 15:31

Extroverts and MILs- worst people on earth according to Mumsnet. And as for an extrovert MIL......!

LOL this is going to be me. Suspect my future CILs will fine me unbearable

bringincrazyback · 08/06/2023 17:18

I'm an introvert (well at least according to every Myers Briggs test I've ever done), but I manage to be able to deal with unexpected visitors to my home without thinking it is some unforgivable sin. Being an introvert doesn't mean you can just be intolerance of extrovert behaviour.

No one's saying it's an unforgivable sin. I personally find unscheduled drop-ins stressful in part because of my introversion (my life tends to make me feel peopled out by the end of the day and I hanker for a little alone time), I'm perfectly capable of dealing with drop-ins politely/reasonably, but I'm happiest when I have a little advance notice someone's coming. It's partly because it's so easy to give someone a quick heads-up these days that just turning up on the doorstep does come off as thoughtless, for me anyway.

CurlewKate · 08/06/2023 17:32

@YukoandHiro "I would get my DH to send a little text to his mum saying that you were a bit embarrassed to be caught unawares in your PJs and could she send a courtesy message next time."

Why does he have to be the bad guy? That's bizarre!

NIparty · 08/06/2023 17:41

CurlewKate · 08/06/2023 17:08

@KirstenBlest "Why drive a long way without checking first?"

Driving a long way is clearly daft. Popping round the corner-not so much.

Just because popping in when you live round the corner might not be daft in terms of a long journey, it doesn't mean its any less inconvenient to people who don't like it! And personally I'd feel uncomfortable if I was relaxing with dinner and someone just made themselves a cuppa and joined in. It's all well and good if that's your family culture, it personally sounds like my worst nightmare. My family are incredibly close, but we still contact one another before landing at each others houses. Families merge and blend together, and its really not difficult to send a text message if you want to visit. Just because someone does it in their family, doesn't mean they can force it on someone else's. Imo, you get to dictate if you like people popping in on your own home, but you have to respect the boundaries of the people you want to visit, and if that means giving them a heads up, then thats the decent thing to do. It's hardly taxing to send a basic text message but everyone here is acting all aghast over it as if it's making a formal appointment ffs, no its basic manners if you know the home in question does not appreciate popper-inners!

ALJT · 08/06/2023 18:24

Out of interest would you say the same if your own mother did it? Sometimes I feel people have vendettas against the mother in laws for no reason… unless there is more to this?

CurlewKate · 08/06/2023 18:38

@NIparty

"It's hardly taxing to send a basic text message but everyone here is acting all aghast over it as if it's making a formal appointment "

It seems to me to be the people who think someone popping in to deliver a present are committing a massive faux pas equivalent to annexing Poland are the aghast ones!

FoodCentre · 08/06/2023 18:44

CurlewKate · 08/06/2023 18:38

@NIparty

"It's hardly taxing to send a basic text message but everyone here is acting all aghast over it as if it's making a formal appointment "

It seems to me to be the people who think someone popping in to deliver a present are committing a massive faux pas equivalent to annexing Poland are the aghast ones!

Dropping a present is fairly benign but she stayed for a few hours after, which you left out.

Surely you can see why unexpectedly someone staying for a few hours could be intrusive? You may not mind, but let's not pretend others won't for valid reasons.

It does also depend who's dropping by. If it's my family or friends, I'd be a bit put out but then welcome them in and have a nice time. If my in laws came and say round for hours without a text I'd be sighing deeply.

Billyho · 08/06/2023 19:02

ALJT · 08/06/2023 18:24

Out of interest would you say the same if your own mother did it? Sometimes I feel people have vendettas against the mother in laws for no reason… unless there is more to this?

OP isn’t doing updates or answering questions…… maybe she’s been trapped by MIL since her first post!

CurlewKate · 08/06/2023 19:05

@FoodCentre And there's the crux.

Paternal grandparents are second class citizens. It's so sad and depressing. Incidentally- 2 hours, not "a few". You make it sound as if she's taken root!

Billyho · 08/06/2023 19:20

FoodCentre · 08/06/2023 18:44

Dropping a present is fairly benign but she stayed for a few hours after, which you left out.

Surely you can see why unexpectedly someone staying for a few hours could be intrusive? You may not mind, but let's not pretend others won't for valid reasons.

It does also depend who's dropping by. If it's my family or friends, I'd be a bit put out but then welcome them in and have a nice time. If my in laws came and say round for hours without a text I'd be sighing deeply.

Show quote history

How many hours is a few….. ?

Two is a couple?

Billyho · 08/06/2023 19:21

FoodCentre · 08/06/2023 18:44

Dropping a present is fairly benign but she stayed for a few hours after, which you left out.

Surely you can see why unexpectedly someone staying for a few hours could be intrusive? You may not mind, but let's not pretend others won't for valid reasons.

It does also depend who's dropping by. If it's my family or friends, I'd be a bit put out but then welcome them in and have a nice time. If my in laws came and say round for hours without a text I'd be sighing deeply.

Show quote history

Yeah and your DH would be sighing deeply if your relatives did it, I expect you’d have something to say about that!

such double standards!

I8toys · 08/06/2023 19:23

I don't like anyone turning up unannounced. In-laws or my own family. I think its rude.

KirstenBlest · 08/06/2023 19:30

@NIparty , @CurlewKate , I don't like unannounced visits at all.

Sometimes it might be something like someone happens to be in the area and just pops by, which I can sort of understand, and if I didn't fancy them visiting my house, if I knew in advance I could meet them somewhere.

But this is fairly immediate family, and they'll drive a long way, with a plan of having a weekend break and seeing me, but they'll text and say 'We're in London' lets meet up, which if I'm at home, great, I can jump in the shower, get changed, hop on a train an meet them in about an hour.
Not so great, if I am not at home and am hiking or running or something, and would need to abandon what I was doing, get back to my car, get home then go out again. Just no forethought on their part.

Even if I do meet up with them, some of them have a habit of saying at a certain location but be somewhere else nearby.

As regards meeting up with people, many have a poor sense of geography, so might not realise that say Manchester and Workington aren't close to each other, or that Aberystwyth isn't a short train journey from Swansea.

FoodCentre · 08/06/2023 20:42

Yeah and your DH would be sighing deeply if your relatives did it, I expect you’d have something to say about that!

Ok? It sure what you're point is. We're all allowed to have feelings. Am I supposed to be offended if he's not best pleased?

FoodCentre · 08/06/2023 20:45

CurlewKate · 08/06/2023 19:05

@FoodCentre And there's the crux.

Paternal grandparents are second class citizens. It's so sad and depressing. Incidentally- 2 hours, not "a few". You make it sound as if she's taken root!

A few = between two and three. She stayed for a few hours, that's just a fact.

If unannounced visits are fine and we're all supposed to be grateful for our MILs, then what difference does it make anyway?

Even if it's five hours, there's no issue because MILs are family and she brought presents

Billyho · 08/06/2023 21:05

FoodCentre · 08/06/2023 20:42

Yeah and your DH would be sighing deeply if your relatives did it, I expect you’d have something to say about that!

Ok? It sure what you're point is. We're all allowed to have feelings. Am I supposed to be offended if he's not best pleased?

I’ve absolutely no idea what you’re trying to say there! 🤷‍♀️

190758vs · 08/06/2023 21:30

This thread really has made me want to delete this app. What a bunch of bitches some of you are. Not surprised OP hasn't replied. What happened to "be kind"???

Billyho · 08/06/2023 21:56

190758vs · 08/06/2023 21:30

This thread really has made me want to delete this app. What a bunch of bitches some of you are. Not surprised OP hasn't replied. What happened to "be kind"???

I agree, she was very unkind to MIL! Hopefully she’s learnt from this, will return after a while and with a different name.

FoodCentre · 08/06/2023 22:16

I’ve absolutely no idea what you’re trying to say there! 🤷‍♀️

Nor I you...

You: I bet your DH also sighs when your family and friends come.

Me: ok, that's fine.

His parents are rude and cause stress, I'm entitled to sigh when they come. It's ok to not be thrilled to see the ILs.

Billyho · 08/06/2023 22:19

FoodCentre · 08/06/2023 22:16

I’ve absolutely no idea what you’re trying to say there! 🤷‍♀️

Nor I you...

You: I bet your DH also sighs when your family and friends come.

Me: ok, that's fine.

His parents are rude and cause stress, I'm entitled to sigh when they come. It's ok to not be thrilled to see the ILs.

But of course your family and friends (an added addition) are just perfect! 😂

FoodCentre · 08/06/2023 22:19

I agree, she was very unkind to MIL! Hopefully she’s learnt from this, will return after a while and with a different name.

Wait- but OP didn't do anything. How was she mean?

All this anger whipped up by posters over an anon post on Mumsnet. It's so tame as well, she doesn't trash the MIL, she just asks what to do, in the hopes it doesn't become a regular thing.

Am I on another planet here? It's crazy to think about how strongly people feel about this topic.

In fact, any topic where people want some autonomy over their own home gets people riled up for some reason.

FoodCentre · 08/06/2023 22:22

But of course your family and friends (an added addition) are just perfect! 😂

Sorry, but your definitely a MIL, confirmed. My guests aren't rude and don't cause any stress, no.

Billyho · 08/06/2023 22:25

FoodCentre · 08/06/2023 22:22

But of course your family and friends (an added addition) are just perfect! 😂

Sorry, but your definitely a MIL, confirmed. My guests aren't rude and don't cause any stress, no.

So all MIL are wrong? If you’re going to be one nights future, you’ll assume you’ll be wrong?

or will you be the exception to the rule?