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Original poster

Mother-in-law turned up unannounced

266 replies

HopeG · 07/06/2023 19:52

My MIL turned up unannounced this evening.

Came round with gifts for my 5-year-old at about 5pm from her holiday (including sweets which she knows we don’t like giving him) and stayed until 7pm.

She has never turned up without calling or texting before. My husband was out picking up our family takeaway and I had got into my pyjamas as we weren’t expecting visitors.

To me it seems very rude just to turn up unannounced.

What would you do about it?

Best to ignore on this occasion and get husband to raise it with her if it happens again?

OP posts:
JeandeServiette · 08/06/2023 01:34

Please g_d, my son doesn't marry someone like you OP, if you're for real.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 08/06/2023 01:43

JeandeServiette · 08/06/2023 01:34

Please g_d, my son doesn't marry someone like you OP, if you're for real.

I was literally coming on to post this exact message. Grin

🙏

Hearti · 08/06/2023 01:44

It’s a one off or very rare, so wouldn’t be upset.

barmycatmum · 08/06/2023 03:18

Nope, not even my parents.
I can tell none of you are writers, If you think it’s completely bonkers to expect the courtesy of a text.

oh fuuuuck no, I don’t answer my door to someone cheeky enough to just come marching over any old time. But I work when I feel like working.

this thread is utterly ridiculous - if someone is an introvert or different, God forbid! It shows a distinct lack of intelligence that so many cannot imagine why barging over to someone’s home unannounced could be rude.

OP, ignore the complete assholes on this thread. YANBU.

Mom2K · 08/06/2023 03:46

Some people might enjoy when random people or family members turn up uninvited, and others don't. Given that there are people that are not ok with this (and the reasons don't matter), common courtesy would mean the person wanting to go visit someone should check first. Surely this is basic decency (unless you are certain the people you are wanting to drop in on fall into the category of not minding a random visit). It's about being considerate and yanbu to be annoyed at this IMO, family or not.

Mom2K · 08/06/2023 03:47

this thread is utterly ridiculous - if someone is an introvert or different, God forbid! It shows a distinct lack of intelligence that so many cannot imagine why barging over to someone’s home unannounced could be rude

This ^^

FiveShelties · 08/06/2023 03:57

Mom2K · 08/06/2023 03:47

this thread is utterly ridiculous - if someone is an introvert or different, God forbid! It shows a distinct lack of intelligence that so many cannot imagine why barging over to someone’s home unannounced could be rude

This ^^

It is so ridiculous you could be forgiven for thinking it is a wind-up.

user1492757084 · 08/06/2023 04:16

Well, as you said, it was unusual.

You had control of when the lollies were eaten and you could have put them away for tomorrow.

I'd say your dear MIL just missed you all while on holidays and was excited to see you. Let the kids enjoy an every now and again excited Granny.

The kids would have been delighted with Granny having been on holidays. Count your many blessings.

xoomer · 08/06/2023 06:16

The only person that does this is my MIL.

It's usually once every few months (birthdays, Easter, Christmas then the odd time). It's often around 10/11am and the house is usually a mess and I'm in my pjs- braless.

She never calls first. DH works away so it's usually just the two of us. I don't like not knowing but it's fine.

Wtf is a family takeaway?

BodegaSushi · 08/06/2023 06:28

I can tell none of you are writers

What an odd thing to say

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 08/06/2023 06:36

Thebigblueballoon · 07/06/2023 20:08

Yikes. I’ll prepare to be roasted then.
I’m with the few who said they’d be annoyed by an unannounced visit from MIL. And I live on the same street as mine.
What’s wrong with a quick text or a call? It’s so awkward to be faced with an unexpected visitor if there’s already something going on, doesn’t matter how trivial.

I'm clearly In the minority too. If someone knocks just to say hi or drop off/pick up something then I don't mind but anyone wanting to come in I like to be asked first by text or phone call to check if its convenient. I extend the same courtesy to everyone I know too. It takes less than a minute to text or call, there's no excuse not to. Time is precious and we all live busy lives, people (in my opinion) shouldn't just knock at others and expect to be invited in and take time up when they may be busy or just want to relax without a visitor. It's unreasonable to just turn up, I don't let anyone in if they haven't bothered to ask first. I'd prefer MIL to never knock round as she's not nice as has been cruel to my DH but that's another story. I'd quite happily never see her again and my children feel the same, they don't like her either for how she's treated DH and I.

Millicentmargaretamandaholden · 08/06/2023 06:58

I’m with the majority - I want DC to be and feel loved by their extended family. Also I like my family so of course I’d enjoy and welcome them. If it were family and I was in the middle of things I’d explain. They might wait or join in or be a welcome distraction for DC. And if my DH was irritated by my family the way you are here I’d think a lot less of him.

Millicentmargaretamandaholden · 08/06/2023 07:01

Also I don’t understand the people who feel strongly no one should come to the house without prior agreement, consider it rude?

It might not be what you prefer but that doesn’t mean it’s rude. People are different from each other - it’s nothing to get affronted by.

RantyAnty · 08/06/2023 07:02

It used to not bother me, but now it does .I could have still been working, getting ready to go somewhere, or feeling poorly and not want to entertain someone for 2 hours.

FoodCentre · 08/06/2023 07:21

If it were family and I was in the middle of things I’d explain.

You might not be in the middle of anything but still not want someone dropping by at that moment.

FoodCentre · 08/06/2023 07:23

Mom2K · 08/06/2023 03:47

this thread is utterly ridiculous - if someone is an introvert or different, God forbid! It shows a distinct lack of intelligence that so many cannot imagine why barging over to someone’s home unannounced could be rude

This ^^

I have no doubt they are the people who do it, hence the strong reaction to the suggestion that it's rude.

FatCatBum · 08/06/2023 07:51

Millicentmargaretamandaholden · 08/06/2023 07:01

Also I don’t understand the people who feel strongly no one should come to the house without prior agreement, consider it rude?

It might not be what you prefer but that doesn’t mean it’s rude. People are different from each other - it’s nothing to get affronted by.

Of course it's rude, unilaterally deciding to turn up and demand people's time and attention without any consideration as to whether they have the time/headspace/desire to see you, or whether they may be doing something else.

A simple 'are you free for me to pop over' text takes 30 seconds and gives the opportunity for them to say no if they aren't up for it. Just turning up means they have no choice in the matter, you have decided what they may want is not important

Aslanplustwo · 08/06/2023 07:52

FoodCentre · 08/06/2023 07:23

I have no doubt they are the people who do it, hence the strong reaction to the suggestion that it's rude.

Show quote history

I don't think it's rude, and yet I wouldn't have called in unannounced on my parents, simply because they might not have been at home and I would have had a wasted walk (my parents being more social than I am!) so you are talking rubbish - and I rarely visit anyone else these days. Where I live people often call without checking first, and I've yet to hear of anyone complaining, certainly family and good friends wouldn't care, but maybe we are a more laid back nation (thank goodness).

FoodCentre · 08/06/2023 08:01

@Aslanplustwo

Anyone saying that it's sad, unfriendly, or that they wouldn't want a DIL like op (who expects a heads up) is almost certainly someone who turns up unannounced and feels embarrassed. Or maybe just upset that other people don't like their norms.

It's such a disproportionate reaction to such a small courtesy, I can't inagine what else would warrant it .

aSofaNearYou · 08/06/2023 08:36

People are different about this. My family are like you - we wouldn't just show up and I wouldn't really like it if somebody did. But my DPs family will just show up at each others houses unannounced, though they don't do it with us due to distance.

So I don't think it's rude, it's just different people with different precedents set.

That said, I do think it's a bit odd to suddenly do it if she's never done it before.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 08/06/2023 08:37

Bloody hell, you need to join the real world.

Millicentmargaretamandaholden · 08/06/2023 08:45

FoodCentre · 08/06/2023 07:21

If it were family and I was in the middle of things I’d explain.

You might not be in the middle of anything but still not want someone dropping by at that moment.

Yes so if I really felt like that I’d say so but I wouldn’t be furious or find it rude. No need for drama.

Millicentmargaretamandaholden · 08/06/2023 08:54

FatCatBum · 08/06/2023 07:51

Of course it's rude, unilaterally deciding to turn up and demand people's time and attention without any consideration as to whether they have the time/headspace/desire to see you, or whether they may be doing something else.

A simple 'are you free for me to pop over' text takes 30 seconds and gives the opportunity for them to say no if they aren't up for it. Just turning up means they have no choice in the matter, you have decided what they may want is not important

Show quote history

Of course you’ve got choice. You use your words if it’s such a problem, I doubt someone who wishes you well is going to impose themselves on you if you tell them you don’t want them to.

Im amused I’m fighting this to be honest. I’ve never done it and it’s only happened rarely that someone drops by unannounced. I’m just shocked by how offended and angry it makes some people. Life really is to short.

mondaytosunday · 08/06/2023 08:57

Well other than passing out from shock (my mil was pretty detached from any grandchild), what can you do? It's a lovely gesture. If it was my mother I would have been delighted, do would extend the same welcome to mil.
If it was a regular thing showing up unannounced at awkward times, I'd just ask her to call first or come before X time (I did have to tell my mother to stop phoning between the hours of 6-8 as I was getting the kids ready for bed).

FoodCentre · 08/06/2023 09:00

Yes so if I really felt like that I’d say so but I wouldn’t be furious or find it rude. No need for drama.

Correct, but that's why it's better to ask first. This is one of those scenarios that isn't as simple in real life as it's made out to be. One person feels grumpy or mean, the other feels rejected, possibly.

And it's why turning up is more drama if the other person isn't a turning-up-type person. It only takes a minute to ask when it's convenient for the other person.