Major catch?

[SweetCheeks66]

I’m totally smitten with my male friend.

I’m single and the other day he referred to me as “A major catch”.

How would you interpret that? I’m hearing it as you’re a major catch for some other man but I’m not interested. Could it be that, by saying that, someone would be actually interested themselves?

Thanks

Op, you need to move on. Really you do. I hope you read all these messages back and keep telling yourself that no good will come of this. You WILL get hurt, massively.

let’s be honest, he IS kissing her and is most likely shagging her too all while keeping you hanging. No man will stay in this situation when he’s has no commitments keeping him there and when there’s a possibility of being with a ‘great catch’ unless he’s wants to. He is choosing her. He’s not going to chose you I’m afraid.

think about why you are settling for so little. He is not worth the head fuck.

Yes, a few days ago

He is continuing to flirt with you whilst he is in his situation… I think you need to go NC until September and see where you are then (hopefully dating someone nice and well over this dickhead!)

No he only said this September thing to me a few days ago and I immediately said that I won’t be his consolation prize. From his perspective I’m angry and not interested in him anymore.

We are all mid 30s

I’m glad you’re starting to see that things are simpler and grubbier than he’s painted them. What do your friends think about it all? I bet they don’t think much of you being kept hanging.

Even if he and his girlfriend really aren’t having sex, I don’t love it that she’s the one he wants for intimacy and “emotional dependency” which honestly sounds a lot like love, and you’re the one he wants for sex. Not very flattering or kind to you is it.

I have never done anything with him or flirted with him when he’s been in his “situation” with her.

Be really honest with yourself OP.

Scroll back through your messages with him and ask yourself whether, if you were his girlfriend and he was exchanging those messages with another woman, there are really none you would describe as flirting? None you would describe as planning being together in future? None that would make you feel humiliated and taken advantage of? Really?

Come off it. I think owning your part in this will help you wake up to what's going on.

Just a run of the mill wanker having his cake and eating it too, using one woman for what he wants from her (access to a lifestyle / connections / emotional support) while having another woman waiting in the wings for her turn when he's ready to drop the first woman without having to be the bad guy / an adult with balls.

Ok in that case I’m calling it - I think he’s a wizard to have completely fuzzled your thinking to such an extent at this age. You must have met manipulative jokers before!!

We are all mid 30s

Good grief!

Life is too short for this shit OP, it really is!

The man in question is absolute best case scenario a weak, cowardly user who is disloyal to people he knows are in love with him.

Aim higher!

Well this is exactly what should be the case!

That's because he's trying his best to cheat on her with you so he doesn't want you knowing they're together. If he agrees theyre together then there's no way you're going to shag him.

He's got a girlfriend, and he is treating her like absolute shit. You know they're a couple but you're choosing to believe all his crap because then you get to pretend he's single. You'll be next if you're foolish enough to stick around.

He's having an emotional affair. With you. You're the "other woman."

Plus he's an absolute arsehole. He's not a catch, not even close.

so he's not stringing her along then?
Surely if he knows she has feelings for him and he doesn't then he stops being friends with her.
He sounds emotionally unavailable regardless

She fancies him, you fancy him, he's messing you both around.
He sounds like a cunt.

I think he's very manipulative and you're very willing to be deluded/strung along. Nine out of ten women would have fucked him off months ago. In that sense you are as bad as each other. Perhaps the unavailable dynamic thing really appeals to you on some level. (And yes, you are being very unsisterly to this woman, although you may feel that's neither here nor there.)

If you pursue this with him the one thing you can guarantee is that in six months or a year you will be on the floor with misery, just as she is now, either because he has rejected you or because he is still stringing you along and finding reasons why you can't be properly together while taking up all of your emotional energy.

What you ought to do is break all contact with him, for good, and have a really hard, honest think about your unconscious relationship patterns, and why you want men who are fundamentally not interested in you and not available to you.

I say this as someone who's been through something similar. It's time to open your eyes.

If he wanted you, he’d make a play. He thinks you’re great, just not for him.

@yossell well said, that's exactly what he's doing

He doesn't sound like a catch at all.

Mid 30s if you have no kids and would like them is not the time to be fucking around with unavailable men like this for months (years actually, depending on how long after you met him you caught feelings and focused more and more on him romantically, while not pursuing other opportunities with as much energy or at all).

He keeps coming onto you and trying to get physical with you ... And you've had to ask him is he or is he not still/back involved with this woman for him to admit it. He was happy to lie by omission. That suggests he's a potential cheater too. In fact what he's been doing is definitely a form of cheating, a type of emotional affair, betraying her trust, being extremely indiscrete about her, lining you up as the next woman etc.

If you'd like to settle down, I think he's pretty shit material.

And like others, I thought maybe he was wealthy or high status or something, and that accounted for all this sillyness; but he doesn't even earn more than you.

At the very least here, start doing everything you can to date other men and keep him on the side/back burner. It's not like he's offering you anything ATM anyway.

To reiterate, if you'd like to settle down and maybe have kids, you simply don't have time to waste on this specimen.

If you pursue this with him the one thing you can guarantee is that in six months or a year you will be on the floor with misery, just as she is now, either because he has rejected you or because he is still stringing you along and finding reasons why you can't be properly together while taking up allof your emotional energy.

This.

You've got him in your head as a prize, but he's not.

Here is my take on what he means:
By telling you "you're a great catch" "you're so hot and sexually attractive" he is making you feel like the gorgeous siren, the chosen one etc, despite choosing her over and over again. She has a use to him and so do you, you're not exceptional, I'm sorry. He is probably scared she is going to leave and his supply of support and attention will dry up and he's priming you for the next spot by showering you with bullshit.
He is priming you for when she leaves. I bet he has ramped up the contact with you in the past months (since finding out she is leaving)?

I think you need to focus on what HE can provide you? You have not mentioned any of this and you seem to be deeply involved in his emotional headspace and their relationship but you must remember you actually know nothing about it. Nothing about the reality. Many people have said to you that it's extremely hard to believe a man in his 30s would opt out of sex with a woman he has a great emotional connection with, simply because he doesn't think she's fit enough. Why wouldn't he at least get the free sex too ?
Step back and think about why you're unable to think about this clearly. Think about YOU and what YOU want- not how to guarantee you will be chosen by him. What do you actually like about him? He seems like an inadequate man with lots of narcissistic traits.