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Original poster

Major catch?

196 replies

SweetCheeks66 · 05/06/2023 23:05

I’m totally smitten with my male friend.

I’m single and the other day he referred to me as “A major catch”.

How would you interpret that? I’m hearing it as you’re a major catch for some other man but I’m not interested. Could it be that, by saying that, someone would be actually interested themselves?

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 11:07

I have been privy to some of their communication and it confirms the no sex thing.

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 11:07

SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 11:04

She is in love with him and has masses of physical/sexual desire for him. I think relabelling it as a true friendship and not a boyfriend who she doesn’t kiss etc is too painful for her so she would want to be NC.

He thinks she will cut him off completely if he presses it and he’s very attached to her as a friend.

Show quote history

Then, even more so he's being incredibly unfair to her continuing to see her/getting back into contact with her everytime.

He knows she can't see him as a friend, so he can't have her as a friend.
The fact that she's valued or useful to him as a friend is irrelevant.

She can't be his friend so he need to stop trying to be "friends" with her.

Also he can't date others while staying in this situation.

Does he not care about that? Or is just having casual sex? Presumably he lies by omission about it to her.

Thegoodbadandugly · 06/06/2023 11:08

I don't think I would be wanting to get involved he sounds like a user.

TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 11:08

It's a very unhealthy situation and he's most definitely 50% of it.

OrlandointheWilderness · 06/06/2023 11:08

Well he sounds like a twat tbh.

Original poster
SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 11:09

MiniCooperLover · 06/06/2023 11:04

So basically he's using her for her contacts and is keeping her in his life hanging on because it's handy to him? Charmer.

Not her contacts as such. It’s just a world that he values and feels happy in and he knows that will disappear.

I work in a very different sector to her and don’t have all of these interesting, creative friends! I have lots of friends who are lovely but they’re not writers!

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 11:09

Hrs not acting with integrity..... I think you should pay attention to that.

He knows she can't be friends with him and doesn't see him as a friend but keeps trying to be friends with her for what it gains him.

YouTarzan · 06/06/2023 11:10

I'm thinking your position doesn't sound much different to this woman's - except you don't have the contacts that she does. If you did he's be stringing you along instead of her.

TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 11:11

Not her contacts as such. It’s just a world that he values and feels happy in and he knows that will disappear.

And she's somehow the only person in the world who has an in into this world 🤔.

He can't forge involvement in it himself, esp when she moves away.

Original poster
SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 11:12

TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 11:07

Then, even more so he's being incredibly unfair to her continuing to see her/getting back into contact with her everytime.

He knows she can't see him as a friend, so he can't have her as a friend.
The fact that she's valued or useful to him as a friend is irrelevant.

She can't be his friend so he need to stop trying to be "friends" with her.

Also he can't date others while staying in this situation.

Does he not care about that? Or is just having casual sex? Presumably he lies by omission about it to her.

Show quote history

He would agree with all that. I think he sees September as a natural end to it all.

He says they have a don’t know don’t ask policy to having sex with other people. However, I’m a good friend of his and know what he does and I’m pretty sure he’s not having any sex anywhere! Ha!

He knows that I am interested in a whole relationship and that I would never be just up for either sex or the kind of non sexual relationship he has with her. I want it all.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 06/06/2023 11:13

He rates you as a high score in the dating cattle market.

Whether he's a worthy stud is another matter.

Original poster
SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 11:13

TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 11:09

Hrs not acting with integrity..... I think you should pay attention to that.

He knows she can't be friends with him and doesn't see him as a friend but keeps trying to be friends with her for what it gains him.

He also gains a deep emotional attachment from his friendship with her. I think that’s the crux of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 11:15

He’s made it clear that he finds me physically and sexually attractive but he knows that I would only consider a full, proper, exclusive relationship. He can’t offer that while he’s involved with his friend.

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 11:17

I think you've got rose tinted glasses on about him.

His involvement in this unhealthy, unfair situationship does not reflect well on him.

Male dating theory people call this an "orbiter". You are also one.

He's got her in the friend zone because he doesn't fancy her enough to shag her but wants the benefits of "friendship" that she brings .... He knows she feels way more than friendship for him but keeps her around anyway, keeps getting back in contact when she breaks and contacts him. He's willing to keep doing this til she relocates.

When you describe her apparent feelings and her NC/go back on NC repeatedly behaviour - it's clear she is being hurt by this

But he keeps getting back in contact because of the benefits to him, even though she must be getting hurt and is not happy.

TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 11:18

SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 11:13

He also gains a deep emotional attachment from his friendship with her. I think that’s the crux of it.

Show quote history

And what?

He could get that from a gf if he let go of this unhealthy, one sided, fucked up situation.

But he won't .... Until her relocating ends it, not him.

That says lots of things about him that aren't good.

Original poster
SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 11:20

TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 11:17

I think you've got rose tinted glasses on about him.

His involvement in this unhealthy, unfair situationship does not reflect well on him.

Male dating theory people call this an "orbiter". You are also one.

He's got her in the friend zone because he doesn't fancy her enough to shag her but wants the benefits of "friendship" that she brings .... He knows she feels way more than friendship for him but keeps her around anyway, keeps getting back in contact when she breaks and contacts him. He's willing to keep doing this til she relocates.

When you describe her apparent feelings and her NC/go back on NC repeatedly behaviour - it's clear she is being hurt by this

But he keeps getting back in contact because of the benefits to him, even though she must be getting hurt and is not happy.

My message disappeared!

I was saying yes, this is all true except he doesn’t break the NC, she does. Then he replies. He said it’s in part because he’s lonely.

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 11:21

SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 11:15

He’s made it clear that he finds me physically and sexually attractive but he knows that I would only consider a full, proper, exclusive relationship. He can’t offer that while he’s involved with his friend.

But not emotionally enough to cut off this fucked up situation and date you.

Until she moves away ..... Then you might be "lucky".

This situation and the benefits she brings him are more important to him than being free to date you, no matter how attracted to you he is

He's willing to keep it going for months and if you aren't single then/have moved on (like anyone with a brain or self respect or opportunities would have ) he's perfectly willing to risk never dating you or being involved with you.

Original poster
SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 11:22

TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 11:18

And what?

He could get that from a gf if he let go of this unhealthy, one sided, fucked up situation.

But he won't .... Until her relocating ends it, not him.

That says lots of things about him that aren't good.

Show quote history

Yes it suggests he’s weak and codependent. I have thought about this.

If I end up having a relationship with him, there is a high likelihood that he would become very emotionally attached to me in the same way. I wouldn’t want him to be with me because he’s terrified of a life without my emotional support. I would want him to be with me because it makes him happy.

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 11:23

he doesn’t break the NC, she does. Then he replies. He said it’s in part because he’s lonely.

I know that. I didn't say he broke the NC.
I said he always lets her break the NC and gets back in contact with her. Even though she clearly has major feelings for him, can't be his friend and is being hurt in the situation m.

Lonely ... With you in the wings. And he could make other friends and acquaintances and build up a social life.

Why is the woman who wants him but who he doesn't fancy his only outlet for loneliness??

Original poster
SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 11:24

@TheoTheopolis23 I agree. He’s risking losing me completely.

OP posts:
Original poster
SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 11:25

TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 11:23

he doesn’t break the NC, she does. Then he replies. He said it’s in part because he’s lonely.

I know that. I didn't say he broke the NC.
I said he always lets her break the NC and gets back in contact with her. Even though she clearly has major feelings for him, can't be his friend and is being hurt in the situation m.

Lonely ... With you in the wings. And he could make other friends and acquaintances and build up a social life.

Why is the woman who wants him but who he doesn't fancy his only outlet for loneliness??

I think she is his go to person for texting about life’s trivia.

He and I text daily but he’s not telling me about his worries, anxieties, dreams, etc. I think he cries on her shoulder.

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 11:32

SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 11:25

I think she is his go to person for texting about life’s trivia.

He and I text daily but he’s not telling me about his worries, anxieties, dreams, etc. I think he cries on her shoulder.

Show quote history

Again, he could have this with a gf.

A proper gf.

But he chooses not to

Instead he keeps this going .... Which is dysfunctional, not fair on her, and leaves neither of them free to actually date someone.

And he keeps you in the wings/on the back burner ..... For months and months.

This is going to sound really harsh but if you show that you will wait around til he's single & able to date, for months .. he will just think you're his next fall back girl, and he's much higher status than you, and has the power in the situation. He's already doing that, he's already done it. The situation with her and the benefits she gives him are clearly more important than being free to get involved with you. Instead he's happy to put you on the back burner (and if you got involved with someone else, on the "never" burner).

The situation also does not reflect well on his integrity.

Tbh I think he'll fuck around with a continuation of his "relationship" with her even after she relocates. People can communicate all day on various platforms if they want and she'll probably be back for visits. I think you'll have "three in the relationship" if you date him after she moves for as long as it suits him, or as long as she puts up with it.

Original poster
SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 11:33

So now that you all know the background, him saying to me “You’re a major catch”. What do you think that means?

OP posts:
Original poster
SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 11:36

TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 11:32

Again, he could have this with a gf.

A proper gf.

But he chooses not to

Instead he keeps this going .... Which is dysfunctional, not fair on her, and leaves neither of them free to actually date someone.

And he keeps you in the wings/on the back burner ..... For months and months.

This is going to sound really harsh but if you show that you will wait around til he's single & able to date, for months .. he will just think you're his next fall back girl, and he's much higher status than you, and has the power in the situation. He's already doing that, he's already done it. The situation with her and the benefits she gives him are clearly more important than being free to get involved with you. Instead he's happy to put you on the back burner (and if you got involved with someone else, on the "never" burner).

The situation also does not reflect well on his integrity.

Tbh I think he'll fuck around with a continuation of his "relationship" with her even after she relocates. People can communicate all day on various platforms if they want and she'll probably be back for visits. I think you'll have "three in the relationship" if you date him after she moves for as long as it suits him, or as long as she puts up with it.

Show quote history

It sounds like she has got sick of it numerous times.

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 11:36

Don't make someone a choice or priority when you're just an option to them.

You're not even a current option, you're a back burner option to him.

The nuance of what he means by his statement is rather irrelevant.

He's not properly single, he's involved in a codependent, unhealthy, unfair (to her) situationship. He's possibly shagging other people too, unless he's celibate.

He's not changing any of that for you.

So it doesn't matter what he means.