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Original poster

Major catch?

196 replies

SweetCheeks66 · 05/06/2023 23:05

I’m totally smitten with my male friend.

I’m single and the other day he referred to me as “A major catch”.

How would you interpret that? I’m hearing it as you’re a major catch for some other man but I’m not interested. Could it be that, by saying that, someone would be actually interested themselves?

Thanks

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 06/06/2023 13:06

SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 11:38

I know you all think he is a bad person but I do really like him and fancy him and would like to try a relationship with him.

So, that being the case, how do you think I should play it? Be unobtainable and utterly stick to my guns about it being a full relationship with me or nothing? Act like I wouldn’t want a relationship with him?

Raise your bar, OP.
You shouldn't aspire to being somebody's second best choice.

Original poster
SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 13:08

TheShellBeach · 06/06/2023 13:06

Raise your bar, OP.
You shouldn't aspire to being somebody's second best choice.

Show quote history

I absolutely agree. He actually said to me “It will be over by the Autumn” and I said “I’m not your consolation prize”.

But… I just need to convince my heart of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 13:12

…

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 06/06/2023 13:18

Ok - so it sounds like the conversation is well beyond a throwaway flirt if he is telling you he will be free by the autumn.

But he could be free now! It’s not like he has kids going through exams and doesn’t want to disrupt them, or a partner going through an illness and he needs to support her. He just doesn’t want to disrupt the gravy train with this woman (who he is being unkind to, TBH, even if she should also be protecting her heart better)

What are the circumstances in which you saw evidence they didn’t have sex? If he showed you private messages - 🚩

TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 13:18

I find it rather pathetic - on a related note - that he cant form.some connections with these people he values he's met through her on his own. Tactfully. So he could socialise or be involved with them independently when she moves or just at all.

I mean, how hard is that when you already know them.

He's a user.

He's using a woman who he knows is in love with him and keeps going NC cause the situation is hurting her, to have access to "higher" levels cause he's a bit mediocre.

Sounds like all he's got is his looks and manipulation.

We'd have nothing but disdain for men who orbited and pandered to a woman who's mediocre and a using bitch, just cause she's hot or charming; why should it be any different with women. The two of you (she and you) need to wise up and take him off the pedestal. He really doesn't deserve to be up there

yossell · 06/06/2023 13:19

Now that we have the background, I think his message means he is playing you by giving you carefully crafted ambiguous compliments that will keep you hanging on without actually committing him to anything.

Outdamnspot23 · 06/06/2023 13:21

SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 13:08

I absolutely agree. He actually said to me “It will be over by the Autumn” and I said “I’m not your consolation prize”.

But… I just need to convince my heart of this.

Show quote history

Oh my god the mere fact that this conversation happened has me cringing so hard, what a situation.

So he's got a girlfriend (a monogamous relationship with a woman who he sees regularly and with whom he's in a mutual emotional situation) and yet you're discussing when that situation will allegedly end so that he can/might/could have the time and energy to finally get round to possibly dating you?

Can you see how yucky that is (really, from both of you but you sound nice so let's concentrate on him)?

I honestly don't think whether they are having sex or not really changes that, except possibly that you see that as something you can offer that she can't (or at least that he allegedly doesn't want with her).

I'm sorry OP I also don't like this guy - but I can clearly picture him in my mind. He's probably good looking, emotional, dreamy, arty - maybe he plays the guitar or surfs. He's always had the knack of getting women interested in him either by just being hot or by having a lot of charm/confiding in them.

TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 13:24

The fkg arrogance of him telling you to hang around til September til he gets rid of her.

And how long has it been in the two years of "friendship" since it turned romantic/sexual in tone? There's all that time and now more.

You opened by saying you're really into him .... He clearly knows (just like he knows she is).

And his response is "wait months til this situation with this other women resolves itself when she goes". Think about where all the power is in this situation. It's not with you.

TheoTheopolis23 · 06/06/2023 13:26

I also bet he'd have made you a fuck buddy behind her back if you'd not stuck to your "want a full relationship" stance.

Songlyrics · 06/06/2023 13:32

He sounds very manipulative. He is stringing you and this other lady along by dropping breadcrumbs to keep you both hooked, making you think you have a chance with him, when he's likely not interested in either of you romantically.

The way he talks about this other woman and the way he treats her, shows you how he is likely to talk about you and treat you. Kindly meant, you need to get some self-respect.

TheShellBeach · 06/06/2023 13:32

Op He's probably telling the other woman exactly the same BS about you, behind your back.

SheilaFentiman · 06/06/2023 13:34

He is seeing her once a week - that’s a lot. How often dies he see you?

Original poster
SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 13:36

SheilaFentiman · 06/06/2023 13:34

He is seeing her once a week - that’s a lot. How often dies he see you?

He sees me about once a month. We text daily and chat on the phone about once a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 13:38

Outdamnspot23 · 06/06/2023 13:21

Oh my god the mere fact that this conversation happened has me cringing so hard, what a situation.

So he's got a girlfriend (a monogamous relationship with a woman who he sees regularly and with whom he's in a mutual emotional situation) and yet you're discussing when that situation will allegedly end so that he can/might/could have the time and energy to finally get round to possibly dating you?

Can you see how yucky that is (really, from both of you but you sound nice so let's concentrate on him)?

I honestly don't think whether they are having sex or not really changes that, except possibly that you see that as something you can offer that she can't (or at least that he allegedly doesn't want with her).

I'm sorry OP I also don't like this guy - but I can clearly picture him in my mind. He's probably good looking, emotional, dreamy, arty - maybe he plays the guitar or surfs. He's always had the knack of getting women interested in him either by just being hot or by having a lot of charm/confiding in them.

Show quote history

He’s not as you describe. I think he’s good looking but he’s not a head turner. None of my friends find him physically attractive. He’s not remotely a dreamer. He’s very rational, logical, sharp witted, clever, funny. He’s not creative but he values creativity in others.

OP posts:
YinYogi · 06/06/2023 13:39

He doesn’t sound like a prize, OP.

redroseflyer · 06/06/2023 13:39

This other woman isn't cabin crew is she? 🤔

Original poster
SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 13:41

SheilaFentiman · 06/06/2023 13:18

Ok - so it sounds like the conversation is well beyond a throwaway flirt if he is telling you he will be free by the autumn.

But he could be free now! It’s not like he has kids going through exams and doesn’t want to disrupt them, or a partner going through an illness and he needs to support her. He just doesn’t want to disrupt the gravy train with this woman (who he is being unkind to, TBH, even if she should also be protecting her heart better)

What are the circumstances in which you saw evidence they didn’t have sex? If he showed you private messages - 🚩

He didn’t show me messages but I have been his friend throughout all this and he has told me about everything in detail. He has told me about their conversations and what they have both said.

OP posts:
Original poster
SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 13:41

YinYogi · 06/06/2023 13:39

He doesn’t sound like a prize, OP.

😂

OP posts:
Original poster
SweetCheeks66 · 06/06/2023 13:42

redroseflyer · 06/06/2023 13:39

This other woman isn't cabin crew is she? 🤔

No! She’s in a creative job.

OP posts:
creativeteapot · 06/06/2023 13:58

I appreciate that it's hard to judge without knowing the full situation, but to me it sounds like he's enjoying the ego boost and the attention he gets from this female friend and flirts with you to keep you close because he might need you in autumn when this friend is gone. Basically he strings you both along and is also very cruel in doing so. If you're up for waiting until autumn to take the position of this other woman as his sometimes -maybe-girlfriend then fine, but I think you have deserved better!

Opentooffers · 06/06/2023 13:59

You could just substitute her for you. He's now collected 2 women he knows full well want him but is keeping both of you on the back-burner. I'm not convinced he's all that into either of you tbh. He's strung you along for 2 years, and you've let him. Come September, he may well manifest some other reason.
He likes the ego boost that you both give him, he may well have told the other one that she's a catch, could be a line he uses to keep you in the game.
You've said you don't want to be his plan b, but you've waited 2 years in the wings, and it sounds like you are willing to wait till September- get ready for another reason appearing then, or, he will meet someone else between then and now and you'll become what she is to him now.
If all was as he said, and they have a no discussion policy on sex with others, he would of taken it further with you if interested.
Responds back as he's lonely? Right, well that's telling you that he doesn't think you'd ever be able to fill the gap and replace her, otherwise it would of been prime opportunity to reach put to you, but he didn't.
Have you actually put your dating life on hold for the last 2 years, getting only a meet up once a month out of it? If that's the case, he already knows you're desperate, and that devalues your attractiveness.

Outdamnspot23 · 06/06/2023 14:07

I feel a bit sorry for you OP as you clearly think the world of this guy and are willing to overlook some of his less lovely qualities (being described as cruel????) because of this.

I just think the question you're asking is the wrong one, you're basically asking do you have a place in the queue or do you somehow need to do more to earn a place? He's set it up (subtly) as a competition between you and the woman he's seeing, which is unhealthy and honestly must be a huge ego trip for him. He's not kind. He's using her for emotional closeness, her friends and the entry she gives him to hang out with people he admires. He's using you for a backup girl/to talk about the first girl.

If he's under say 22 years old I'd say - fine, he's learning. But if he's a fully grown adult I'd say he's old enough to know that if someone has strong feelings for you and you don't truly reciprocate them, the right thing to do is give them clear messages about that and give them space to get over it. I have a friend who sounds similar to your description just now, I also had a huge crush on him - you know why I didn't tell him? Because I know that if he'd found out he'd have stopped hanging out with me, because he'd have seen it as unfair on me to keep doing so. That's because he's not an emotional vampire. This guy is.

Honestly I can't see this ending happily for you and him. Don't let yourself fall into that "pick me dance" trap.

OrangeRhymesWith · 06/06/2023 14:08

Oh OP he's playing both of you.

He said you're a major catch - this is purposefully ambiguous and designed to keep you on the hook by wondering if he means it's for him while also having plausible deniability if you straight up asked him.

He's using the same tactics on her, she's prob somewhere now saying 'he says he doesn't want to have sex with me but he said I'm sexy, do you think that means to him?'

He wants you both around for different reasons and chooses words and statements to give you some hope but not enough that he can't turn around and say 'I never said I wanted to be with you, you misunderstood'

You're around for his ego and she's around for the status and access he gets from her profession.

The fact that you keep saying you want 'the whole thing' etc but contradict it by settling for so little is more reward for his ego. You seem to know a lot about him, his wants, his dreams etc - how long does he listen to yours before relating it back to his life and talking again about himself. Notice this next time, he'll prob ask about you so he can say he did but compare how much you both talk and worry about his feelings.

when you meet someone who deserves you it will all be so much easier and you'll wonder why you wasted so much time ruminating on his mixed messages - they're mixed by design, it suits him!

Outdamnspot23 · 06/06/2023 14:08

I also think there's a possibility he's either a) shagging a completely different person, b) not actually that into sex.

MiniCooperLover · 06/06/2023 14:38

And when he clicks his fingers and you come running come the Autumn, who will he have in the background hanging off his every word while he tells her everything about his 'relationship' with you .. because this is a guy who always makes sure to have a spare ready and waiting to stroke his ego.