Had a baby with a hoarder but I can’t cope anymore with him moving in.

[Onetwothree45]

We have been together 3 years and have a 6 month old. We lived in separate houses. His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

I can’t cope anymore every drawer and cupboard is getting filled with things he has never used or did 15 years ago. He brings empty packages and rubbish. He won’t sort through and organise anything. I can’t put his clothes away as his drawers are full of crap like memorabilia or wires and old tablets etc. He has clothes from childhood in them when he’s 33 now. There is shit absolutely everywhere. He keeps going to charity shops and car boots and getting more when his house is probably only 30% empty. He gets quite angry when I put my foot down. We’ve got 5 bookshelves full of dvds now and several drawers. So nothing can be put in them.

I can’t cope anymore and have been crying all morning. He’s thrown a strop and filled up his car and taken a load back to his house. I can’t see this working. I’m really unhappy and don’t like being in my house. The baby will be crawling soon so it’s dangerous. Every time I speak to him he has an excuse or say Im just moaning again. It’s never going to end we will be surrounded by rubbish.

He got upset yesterday as I threw away a chocolate fish that was 6 years out of date but he wanted to keep it as a memento.

Ds used to line his up parallel, then used a ruler to space them and make sure all their bumpers, horns and tails where in line. He'd also hold cars upside down and be fascinated spinning the wheels. He'd get upset when others wanted to play games with them, as for him this was the game. Unsurprisingly others either weren't interested or got bored and wanted to expand the game imaginatively. As he got older it became clear his ability to make narrative stories wasn't there, and his social reasoning was off kilter.

Many of these conditions overlap, or are co-morbid, which is why hoarding is seen as nigh on impossible to treat, because traditionally it got seen as OCD and treatment for that rarely worked on it, even though there are elements of OCD in it. Treating it as depression as was another thing that didn't cure it. Much of the CBT on offer is generic and doesn't address causes, just getting rid of the symptoms. Hence the recidivism.

His things are certainly no longer arranged nicely now! I am listening. My brain is deciding whether it can cope with it. It’s something I’ve never experienced, never really heard a lot of. I know what I don’t want though and I’ve no interest in wasting my time trying to fix anyone. I wasted over a decade on my abusive ex thinking he’d change. I also don’t want to be shouted at.

@Elleherd i guess sometimes there is no underling issue or trauma or anything, it’s just the brain they were born with so you can’t fix it as it’s not broken just different.

It's not about fixing it, it's about managing it, and that's his problem to deal with.

Both of you are carrying emotional baggage that needs sorting out. His is deeply hidden, forced into visibility by being turned into physical baggage, yours is carried invisibly in your head. For both children's sake, you ideally both need to work on yourselves.

Very few of us come without some issues, but it doesn't mean we or they are lesser and should tolerate others issues where it is going to make a relationship damaging and dangerous to the other. But, it's our choice to be foolish.

Once children. are involved you no longer have the right to live within damaging and dangerous situations, because you're forcing it on to them.

There is nothing wrong with your morals, you're not unreasonable, or unfair. You sound like a nice person who sees the good in people and maybe doesn't look past what she sees that she likes? Doesn't have firm boundaries and struggles to put them in place when needed because is naturally accommodating? Has damaged self esteem so doubts her own common sense?

Until he is prepared to take responsibility for his problems (as opposed to managing to chuck the symptoms away) and take ownership in self management, this relationship isn't one where you can live together, because you have children.

@Elleherd i know you are right.

In the end he will see me as the bad guy. Last weekend he had 3 car boots set up to go in a day and he was so excited. Friday night I said I’m not going with him anymore. I can’t watch him buy random stuff anymore. He didn’t go in the end but he wasn’t happy about not going and it was because of my resistance. He blamed me for missing out on all the good things

I think I understand. It doesn’t seem so outwardly destructive like drugs or alcohol and he can still function and work absolutely ok. But deep down there is a problem and he will have this forever. Until he sees a problem it will aways be my problem. He does not see a problem. He’s lived alone all his life. Relationships have not been a priority because he used to work so many hours. He stopped working all the extra hours with me. He has never had to share space so he’s never been confronted. His mum told me not to rock that boat via disposing of his stuff. But then she said she doesn’t want him ever moving home.

It's like an outward manifestation of your struggle, OP, to assert your own space. Inch by inch, the relationship buries you alive as your needs take second place to someone else's.

I know this sounds woooooo but I can't help thinking Life shoves our nose in the same lessons over and over until we learn them, making it more obvious each time. That's the way it's been for me, anyway.

You must feel utterly despondent, but you mustn't beat yourself up for not understanding this particular situation right from the outset. We live and learn. Better luck for the future.

His problems are nothing to do with you re fixing, they are his problems.

The effect of his problems on you is your problem.

You cannot do anything about his problems, they are not yours to solve.

I am properly dx ND, I'm still cross about a Kilner jar I had to throw away in 1997 as we were moving.

I "only" have hoarding traits and even then my house is full.

The BEST thing for me was that my DH supports me without enabling me. He has firm boundaries and that's great for me with my fuzzy ones.

OP gets shouted at and or made to feel the bad guy if she tries to manage his excessive buying and hoarding.

He regards her boundaries as nagging and unreasonable, as he appears to have no insight into his hoarding.

I fear he would regard any support she may offer in the same light, while slowly filling her home with hoard.

Your last two posts say you've got it. It isn't something you can manage, only he can.

He blamed me for missing out on all the good things. Aside from not owning his problems, he's clearly very much still in the throws of 'acquisition is good.' A very long way away from hope tbh.
I'm years past beating the 'wanting to acquire' stage, hating what I've done and become, generally self aware, and very much take responsibility, worry about every new acquisition that has to happen for work, breathe a sigh of relief every time I can get anything out, and am still engaged in an uphill battle with long term disposal.

His mum told me not to rock that boat via disposing of his stuff. But then she said she doesn’t want him ever moving home
Just wondering @Onetwothree45 if his mum means she doesn't ever want to moving into a different home or if she means she doesn't want him moving into her home?
If the latter then surely this shows that her reasons for not wanting you to rock the boat are entirely selfish.
She's encouraging you because she wants to offload him onto you and make sure he never becomes her problem!

Agreed.

You have got to get him out of your house and away from your kids. You do not have any other option.

no she didn’t want him home, she more or less forced him out in the first place.

I think she said not to rock the boat as she knows he has a problem and if forced then something will happen. I wish someone would just sit me down and tell me what’s wrong with him, I feel they no something. They are cold to me and have never liked any of his girlfriends, always telling him that they are wrong for him. What kind of women do they want for him?

I never had a close relationship with my own mum. I’ve always wanted a mum type figure but his parents are not warming so that will never happen. I so want to feel accepted and loved within a family I think I overlook big things in the search for it. I also no how it feels to not be accepted and to be different and the black sheep and I don’t want him to feel that from me. I’m not really that different but I’ve grown up thinking I am. I don’t really feel deep down that I’m worth much and that’s why I can’t find this family unit. I know the reason his parents are cold to me is their problem not mine as I’m a very accepting person and don’t deserve the coldness.

I feel you are prevaricating and going off on tangents. The urgent issue for you now is getting this man back to live in his own home.

What his family want or don’t want has no bearing on you as a person. Just please address the immediate issue.

You have realised his disorder is incompatible with living with you and the DC. That does not make him a black sheep.

His mum told me not to rock that boat via disposing of his stuff. But then she said she doesn’t want him ever moving home

I think this is because she wants her home to contain her hoard and not his.

She is also very aware of how aggressive he can become when challenged. I
think you need to tread carefully, OP.

I think she said not to rock the boat as she knows he has a problem and if forced then something will happen. I wish someone would just sit me down and tell me what’s wrong with him, I feel they know something

You have said the same thing as the two quotes above several times in this thread, OP. His mother is somehow trying to warn you that he can become nasty, I think. She is advising you not to challenge him/his hoard.

You've already seen flashes of anger from him (the lamp stand incident) and although you've persuaded him not to go to a couple of car boot sales, he was not happy - and he will probably bring this subject up next time you argue about something different.

"Not To Rock The Boat - Something Will Happen" sounds like a warning to me, OP.
Tread carefully.

I feel you are prevaricating and going off on tangents. The urgent issue for you now is getting this man back to live in his own home

Yes. It's almost easier to try to analyse what he's saying and doing, rather than actually just telling him to move back to his house.

Take the bull by the horns, OP, and tell him he needs to go back to his own house. Protect your children and yourself from this.

Yes. Two hoarders under one roof is a recipe for disaster.

He blamed me for missing out on all the good things

Jesus. He blamed you (who has two small children, one of them a young baby who sleeps rarely) for missing out on another load of second-hand crap which you and he do not need and have no room for.

Come on, OP. You can do better than this. He is getting narked by your attitude to STUFF. You, on the other hand, would like a supportive partner who steps up to the plate with parenting his child.

Does he? I mean, what does he do for the baby and for you? Do you get a chance to sleep while he looks after the baby?

Just reading this thread has given me anxiety. I hate any form of clutter.

I really feel for you OP, it must be hard to cope with.

I really feel for you OP, it must be hard to cope with.

The thing is she doesn’t have to cope with it. All she needs to do is send him back to live in his own home.

@DuesToTheDirt , thanks for the link. It wasn't easy to watch.

She doesn't want him to have another woman in case she judges her. She knows how bad her son is and she believes it's an indictment on her. She would rather hide her secret than have a woman come along to make it better.