Had a baby with a hoarder but I can’t cope anymore with him moving in.

[Onetwothree45]

We have been together 3 years and have a 6 month old. We lived in separate houses. His house was always a mess and full to the brim. I then got pregnant and he has moved into my house. His house is going to be rented.

I can’t cope anymore every drawer and cupboard is getting filled with things he has never used or did 15 years ago. He brings empty packages and rubbish. He won’t sort through and organise anything. I can’t put his clothes away as his drawers are full of crap like memorabilia or wires and old tablets etc. He has clothes from childhood in them when he’s 33 now. There is shit absolutely everywhere. He keeps going to charity shops and car boots and getting more when his house is probably only 30% empty. He gets quite angry when I put my foot down. We’ve got 5 bookshelves full of dvds now and several drawers. So nothing can be put in them.

I can’t cope anymore and have been crying all morning. He’s thrown a strop and filled up his car and taken a load back to his house. I can’t see this working. I’m really unhappy and don’t like being in my house. The baby will be crawling soon so it’s dangerous. Every time I speak to him he has an excuse or say Im just moaning again. It’s never going to end we will be surrounded by rubbish.

He got upset yesterday as I threw away a chocolate fish that was 6 years out of date but he wanted to keep it as a memento.

Exactly ❤

I think you have set a very reasonable boundary. If he wants to move into your house he can't bring stuff that there isn't room for. It's wholly fair. He can stay with his stuff, or he can move in with you.

That still won't work though without him doing the work in therapy to tackle the root of the hoarding. Even if he leaves his original hoard at his house then there's nothing stopping him starting up again in OP's house.

I've been thinking about it OP and maybe in order to make clear how serious you are about this, you can ask him to come with you to couples counselling.

It shouldn't have to be your problems but if he goes to solo counselling he will just minimise the issue but couples counselling could be a safe space for you to outline what's going on and have a third party guide you through talking about it.

It's really, really unlikely he will change but perhaps some couples counselling could help you feel strong enough to lay down the boundary that if he wants to remain in a relationship, you cannot live together due to his hoarding behaviours.

If he would rather break up than go to counselling, that's up to him.

So say it is agreed somehow that he goes to live at yours minus his hoard, which he will leave at his own house, how do you think you will handle things if stuff starts arriving at yours in tiny amounts to start with, and increases as time goes on?

That is what will happen I think, and you have to face it. No amount of cajoling and "organising" is going to work. He will find a way.

Make a decision that he does not live with you, but you stay together in a loving relationship for everyone's sake. Charles and Camilla can be together and live apart, and so can you.

But if he lives at yours but keeps his own place for the accumulated shit, that’s very expensive storage. He won’t be able to rent it out as planned will he?

He’s a father now and needs to take some responsibility. Even if he moved all his shit into a storage unit that would be wasted money every month, and he would probably need more and more as the months and years roll by.

This is a long thread OP - I've read your posts and some of the other, but I may have missed something. Several posters have mentioned therapy, but I don't think you have addressed this. You talk about having clearouts, and helping him to throw things away, but that is not going to solve the problem. It really isn't about the stuff per se, it's about his emotions, and as I understand it these are usually from childhood. He doesn't need help putting things in the bin, he needs professional mental support.

There are many TV programmes on hoarders - one that sticks with me features TV presenter Jasmine Harman and her mother, you can watch it

I don't have that much. I have rebought a couple of things I donated to charity shops.

Watch the minimalists together on netflix. See if he can try and understand memories aren't in objects but in his head.

I don’t think that would made any difference. There are no memories in the food packaging or the envelopes or ring pulls, just the compulsion to collect.

And that is only half the problem.
The other thing is a complete inability to throw things away.

If he chooses to live with you, he will never stop trying to amass a hoard and fill your house. It will be a little bit this week and a little more next week.

You are going to have to constantly police the behaviour.

This is what lies ahead of you for the remainder of your relationship with him if you let him move in. Constant haggling and negotiating and conflict. If you let him get away with anything, the tide of dreck will overwhelm you.

Do you have the stomach for this?

Is this what you want your life to be?

Is this the model of relationship and family life you want to show your children?

OP I've only read your posts so as to rush through the thread, but surely someone has posted information on hoarding being an illness (which often runs in families)?

Its often caused by OCD/anxiety disorders spectrum and would require specialist treatment through a referral from your local adult mental health service. Medication might help too. But someone has already said this on the thread surely? Its not something he can stop, its like telling someone with a broken leg to stop messing about and go for a run. Has he asked his GP for help?

Really sorry if posters have already told you/suggested this but your answers didn't indicate to me that they had. There's a good charity that runs support groups if you don't already have their details:
https://hoardinguk.org/contact/

Almost everyone on the thread has said all this already, and the OP is having trouble coming to terms with it all.

Onetwothree45
There are no memories in the food packaging or the envelopes or ring pulls, just the compulsion to collect.

You're correct, but the the envelopes at least had a theoretical purpose. (that he didn't follow through with) The food packaging and ring pulls may have, bizarre as it seems. It's worth him understanding if he's collecting for purpose, compulsively, from habit or any combination. It is often multi-faceted which is why it's hard to treat with one size fits all treatments.

Someone posted about inattentive ADHD.. It's worth him taking a good look at the symptoms. (I suspect I have it but masked by hyper focus)

Re memories in objects, someone mentioned taking photo's, it can work for some people to let go, but it doesn't for others. Hoping to be able to turn everything into photo albums isn't likely to get anywhere.

For many with the disorder getting shot of stuff feels like throwing themself away painfully piece by piece. Instinctive self preservation causes resistance.
For some that's anger and lashing out, for others it's closing off and depression.
Anecdotally, men tend towards anger over it, and women depression.

It’s difficult when everything you thought and working for has gone. I know what happens. My ex who was abusive had problems with weed and alcohol. He also couldn’t stop and ruined the relationship and I enabled him to abuse me because I was too scared, to isolated, to worthless(which he told me) to end it. I did in the end when my daughter was 2 to protect her. He got extremely aggressive when challenged and just in general really.

I can’t believe I’m in a similar position. Although I’m not so stuck as I have my own house. But now 2 children. I also honestly didn’t know he had a problem and he is nice apart from the collecting. He doesn’t put me down or treat me like my ex.

@Elleherd I don’t have a problem with him keeping keepsakes and things from holidays, or family items. I’ve got items from my dad I’ve kept as he died. I’m not taking a picture of his favourite shirt, I want it. Unless he wants pictures of out of date rock. I’m concerned about the anger. I’ve lived with enough anger to want anymore. I’m also adamant I don’t want a house of junk or to need to police him. I know we will end up hating each other. It’s just I feel like such a crap situation. especially with a little baby.

I’m sure there is something going on as in ADHD of some kind. All I’ve got from his family is that he was a difficult baby, non stop crying. Collected cars but his nan said used to sit and just line them up. He has collected forever. He used to bounce off the walls as child and became aggressive if drank juice. Him mum said he was impossible to calm down and couldn’t sit still.

I get it, I really do. It's why I put him looking into reasons, in inverts. Is he interested and willing to work on himself and his problem?
He needs to not be trying to deal with this in your home.
He doesn't sound like he's where he needs to be tbh, he's 'clearing to please you' to 'stop you moaning,' making you the reason, not self improvement in himself and his situation so that you want him.

@Elleherd the last person who did things to please me threw it back in my face and used it as an excuse to treat me badly. It also makes me question myself. Am I being unreasonable, unfair, is it my own morals that are wrong. It fills me with self doubt. I don’t like that he says he’s doing it because I’m moaning. I’m not moaning and I’ve told him I’m overwhelmed in my house because of his things. It’s much deeper then moaning.

How many posters here have told you you're being unfair by not wanting your home filled with his hoard?
Versus
How many posters have told you he has a disorder and cannot stop the hoarding without prolonged professional help?

One of my Ds's lined up toy cars, farm animals etc rather than playing with them as cars, or farms etc. Had medical issues at birth and was actually a very calm baby and child, until he hit school where he started to struggle.
Became hyper active on squash and some E no.s. Was one of the things often preceding meltdowns.
Was horribly bullied and went from being broken by it and hurting himself in meltdowns, to having to be taught to stand up for himself at which point the anger turned outwards. Has had to be taught how to manage himself and emotions.
Diagnosed autistic spectrum, almost certainly inattentive ADHD too. He's the one that's developed hoarding tendencies.

YANBU. He is deflecting his responsibility for his problems onto you. When he causes a problem in the relationship, he's making it you saying it's not acceptable the issue, instead of taking responsibility for the issue he's the cause of.

@TheShellBeach blimey I see that now, esp with OP’s last few posts - that’s frustrating for people trying to help (as @OrbandSpectacle has pointed out).

Omg @Elleherd my daughter did that with cars and other toys too - we thought it was cute, lines stretching 6 foot sometimes she’d do so many the entire floor was covered in these perfect lines - she was maybe 3? She has OCD (as I suggested to the OP earlier). Maybe there was a sign there after all.