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Original poster

Views on submissive/dominant relationships?

306 replies

Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 17:21

Recently met a new partner and having a few cultural differences. He is very much from the understanding that men are the leaders in the relationships and woman should trust and go along with there decisions and they will protect and provide etc. I work full time and have a good job. He has his own business. He is very much used to being the 'boss' of his relationships, and I suppose so am I. He expects to do most things on his own eg buy the house, probably pay most of the bills with me just contributing etc. However in return, I believe he wants someone who will be treated how he wants to be treated, for eg if he wants silence thats what you give him, if he wants food then thats what you make him, not really encouraged or liked when you go out with the girls, clubbing would be a outright no, and would usually get annoyed if you planned to do things without him. The sort of guy on a trip it would be planned and booked by him and you follow round the airport. Nothing wrong with this I suppose, just really struggling to be that 'submissive' female considering my mother was and after the divorce she got left without anything. I feel having your own financial security is important and you can't really rely on anyone for anything.

What are you views on this? I am told I am argumentative if i voice an opinion I have on things, and I "pick arguments" if he comes home in a bad mood and I ask whats wrong etc, or if I want to get up on a Saturday and do stuff and he wants to lay in because he is tired from working. Most of the weekend plans are what he wants to do, but he will go along with things I want to do but usually doesn't say much as he doesn't want to be there.

He also makes a joke but I know he means it that women should 'cut the grass' as men do etc etc, but then it gets confusing because if he wants gender roles, then surely the woman should stick to her 'woman' jobs, likewise why would I be expected to work and contribute at all if he wants to be the main provider and for me to do all the household woman chores (something I am not comfortable with) I once asked if he was earning more than me would he pay more of the mortgage than me, and he asked well would you if you was earning more than me? It is very confusing and I do not know if its cultural differences or different upbringings. I am cautious about being financially dependent on any guy as I have seen this happen to a few women and the men get controlling/low key emotionally abusive.

OP posts:
ConstitutionHill · 30/05/2023 17:24

My views are that you should run a mile. You know this isn't right. Do you really need to ask?

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 30/05/2023 17:27

He just sounds awful.
Why are you trying to make sense of the awfulness instead of just getting as far away as you can?
Other potential partners are out there, who don't do this stuff.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 30/05/2023 17:27

So you get no voice, no say, because you are woman and that's traditional but he also wants you to earn the money and do "traditional men's" jobs

Wow he's got it made hasn't he. You on the other hand would be an absolute fool to stay with him and I mean that kindly.

TheLeadbetterLife · 30/05/2023 17:29

Sounds like Manosphere bullshit. Get rid.

WilkinsonM · 30/05/2023 17:30

Why on earth would you consider entertaining this relationship?!

AlligatorPsychopath · 30/05/2023 17:33

This isn't a Dom/sub relationship. It's just old-fashioned misogyny. The real question is, why on earth would you even consider having a relationship with this man?!

MaudGonneOutForChips · 30/05/2023 17:39

That’s not a ‘sub dom relationship’, you deluded fool. (In the nicest possible way.) That’s an old-fashioned, reactionary patriarch looking for a surrendered wife.

If you fancy a sub-Don relationship, find yourself a nice man who might fancy a spot of mild bondage in bed but regards you as a fully-functional adult human being inside and outside of the bedroom.

Run for the fucking hills and have a serious word with yourself.

Opentooffers · 30/05/2023 17:40

That's not a cultural difference, unless he wants you to give up work and do all the 'womanly ' chores while breeding and looking after his mother.
If he expects you to work and contribute financially as well as doing all the above, that's having his cake, and cherry picking the best bits of his culture while making you do the the parts of your own culture that works to his advantage but not doing other parts of your culture if it doesn't suit him.
Can't think why you'd want to partner up with such an entitled man, giving up all your autonomy, for what? Not so he can provide, as it looks like he expects you to do that too, that's just crazy.

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 17:48

Opentooffers · 30/05/2023 17:40

That's not a cultural difference, unless he wants you to give up work and do all the 'womanly ' chores while breeding and looking after his mother.
If he expects you to work and contribute financially as well as doing all the above, that's having his cake, and cherry picking the best bits of his culture while making you do the the parts of your own culture that works to his advantage but not doing other parts of your culture if it doesn't suit him.
Can't think why you'd want to partner up with such an entitled man, giving up all your autonomy, for what? Not so he can provide, as it looks like he expects you to do that too, that's just crazy.

That's what I am starting to feel resentful about - in my eyes its one or the other I don't work at all and I do all the chores raise kids etc, or if I am working then I'm struggling to be this 'housewife' and submissive person because quite frankly I feel like I do have a say in decisions. Even if I am at home, raising kids and not working, I wonder whether this man would go down the controlling route, then I wouldn't have a say at all for all the moods he gets in etc.

For eg, I wanted to buy a Jeep with MY money, and he said they are really bad cars and I should take his advice as he sort of knows best with cars, which he may, however surely if I am buying it then it shouldn't concern him - and I don't think he likes that sort of attitude.

OP posts:
Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 17:49

MaudGonneOutForChips · 30/05/2023 17:39

That’s not a ‘sub dom relationship’, you deluded fool. (In the nicest possible way.) That’s an old-fashioned, reactionary patriarch looking for a surrendered wife.

If you fancy a sub-Don relationship, find yourself a nice man who might fancy a spot of mild bondage in bed but regards you as a fully-functional adult human being inside and outside of the bedroom.

Run for the fucking hills and have a serious word with yourself.

Yes that was my suspicions. Although, (its not for me I don't think) but apparently there are plenty of woman out there that enjoy being the surrendered housewife..

OP posts:
Clarice99 · 30/05/2023 17:52

It surprises me that women knowingly enter into relationships like this.

I'd run in the opposite direction. Fast! He sounds horrific.

WilkinsonM · 30/05/2023 17:52

Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 17:49

Yes that was my suspicions. Although, (its not for me I don't think) but apparently there are plenty of woman out there that enjoy being the surrendered housewife..

Show quote history

Being in a dom/sub relationship is nothing to do with anything you describe in your OP! I didn't even realise that's what you were asking!!

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 17:54

WilkinsonM · 30/05/2023 17:52

Being in a dom/sub relationship is nothing to do with anything you describe in your OP! I didn't even realise that's what you were asking!!

Show quote history

Isn't sub/dom relationships going along with all your partners decision whilst they lead the relationship? Supporting them and staying silent and voicing your opinion but ultimately they have the final say in 90% of things?

OP posts:
tigger1001 · 30/05/2023 17:55

No, op that's not a dom/sub relationship at all.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 30/05/2023 17:57

This isn't sub/Dom he's being a controlling arse. Picking the bits he wants and not giving you're thoughts and feelings a second glance. I'd run away as fast as you can

Dacadactyl · 30/05/2023 17:58

I would say that if you are having to change what comes naturally to you, this is the wrong relationship for you.

I will often defer to my husband if I'm not particularly bothered about doing something or over a particular course of action. We have traditional gender roles in the main too. He works FT and me PT.

HOWEVER, if I have strong feelings on a subject/course of action we will discuss it with mutual respect and agree the best course. Or if I'm busy with something else, he will make dinner/clean the conservatory/hoover/iron without needing to be asked.

If you are not happy with the set up (so much so that you are asking on here) then I think your relationship is doomed.

WilkinsonM · 30/05/2023 17:59

Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 17:54

Isn't sub/dom relationships going along with all your partners decision whilst they lead the relationship? Supporting them and staying silent and voicing your opinion but ultimately they have the final say in 90% of things?

Show quote history

Not even a little bit!!!!

EarthSight · 30/05/2023 18:01

Where to start with this??

Recently met a new partner and having a few cultural differences

Good. You're not in too deep yet so hopefully it'll be easier to leave.

should trust and go along with there decisions and they will protect and provide

Basically, this is a more sophisticated version or 'Shuhh luv, I AM A MAN. Don't ask questions and let me do whatever I want'

to do most things on his own eg buy the house, probably pay most of the bills with me just contributing

That would give him a lot of control in a relationship. I suppose his female partner's name wouldn't be on the deeds either.

if he wants silence thats what you give him, if he wants food then thats what you make him

Nothing wrong with this I suppose

What are you views on this? I am told I am argumentative if i voice an opinion I have on things, and I "pick arguments" if he comes home in a bad mood and I ask whats wrong

You need therapy OP. Run, don't walk from this 'relationship'.

Dacadactyl · 30/05/2023 18:02

Dacadactyl · 30/05/2023 17:58

I would say that if you are having to change what comes naturally to you, this is the wrong relationship for you.

I will often defer to my husband if I'm not particularly bothered about doing something or over a particular course of action. We have traditional gender roles in the main too. He works FT and me PT.

HOWEVER, if I have strong feelings on a subject/course of action we will discuss it with mutual respect and agree the best course. Or if I'm busy with something else, he will make dinner/clean the conservatory/hoover/iron without needing to be asked.

If you are not happy with the set up (so much so that you are asking on here) then I think your relationship is doomed.

To clarify what I mean about "what comes naturally to you", I mean in the context of what you know to be a supportive and loving relationship (if you're not sure what one looks like, or if you have a history of relationships with abusive men, then get therapy and help before getting into any relationships)

Keroppi · 30/05/2023 18:09

Get rid hes a sexist, lazy prick, not a dom Christian Gray or whatever you are fancying.

"Traditional" men pay the bills, buy the house, provide for you and often defer/leave most decisions to their wives. Wouldn't have you buying your own car, cutting grass, workinf jf you dont want to etc.

(in my experience of traditional Russian/Iranian/Sikh men I've dated or come across in my family)

tailinthejam · 30/05/2023 18:17

What are my views?

My view is that your expectations and his are entirely different, so you may as well pack it in right now.

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 18:18

Keroppi · 30/05/2023 18:09

Get rid hes a sexist, lazy prick, not a dom Christian Gray or whatever you are fancying.

"Traditional" men pay the bills, buy the house, provide for you and often defer/leave most decisions to their wives. Wouldn't have you buying your own car, cutting grass, workinf jf you dont want to etc.

(in my experience of traditional Russian/Iranian/Sikh men I've dated or come across in my family)

That is true. It is like he is picking the best bits - he says its too expensive for only 1 partner to work these days.

What you explain is a traditional man, and maybe who knows he does want to do all of those things, but are those woman truly happy? Yes they have everything paid for I guess, but what do they give in return.. In the hands of a controlling/low key abusive man this set up could turn very sour?

OP posts:
Anaemiafog · 30/05/2023 18:19

In a true Dom/Sub, the sub has all the power. This dick just wants a wife who does everything he wants. They are NOTHING alike. Run!

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 18:19

Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 17:21

Recently met a new partner and having a few cultural differences. He is very much from the understanding that men are the leaders in the relationships and woman should trust and go along with there decisions and they will protect and provide etc. I work full time and have a good job. He has his own business. He is very much used to being the 'boss' of his relationships, and I suppose so am I. He expects to do most things on his own eg buy the house, probably pay most of the bills with me just contributing etc. However in return, I believe he wants someone who will be treated how he wants to be treated, for eg if he wants silence thats what you give him, if he wants food then thats what you make him, not really encouraged or liked when you go out with the girls, clubbing would be a outright no, and would usually get annoyed if you planned to do things without him. The sort of guy on a trip it would be planned and booked by him and you follow round the airport. Nothing wrong with this I suppose, just really struggling to be that 'submissive' female considering my mother was and after the divorce she got left without anything. I feel having your own financial security is important and you can't really rely on anyone for anything.

What are you views on this? I am told I am argumentative if i voice an opinion I have on things, and I "pick arguments" if he comes home in a bad mood and I ask whats wrong etc, or if I want to get up on a Saturday and do stuff and he wants to lay in because he is tired from working. Most of the weekend plans are what he wants to do, but he will go along with things I want to do but usually doesn't say much as he doesn't want to be there.

He also makes a joke but I know he means it that women should 'cut the grass' as men do etc etc, but then it gets confusing because if he wants gender roles, then surely the woman should stick to her 'woman' jobs, likewise why would I be expected to work and contribute at all if he wants to be the main provider and for me to do all the household woman chores (something I am not comfortable with) I once asked if he was earning more than me would he pay more of the mortgage than me, and he asked well would you if you was earning more than me? It is very confusing and I do not know if its cultural differences or different upbringings. I am cautious about being financially dependent on any guy as I have seen this happen to a few women and the men get controlling/low key emotionally abusive.

I should also mention he has explained he doesn't have any empathy really, and deals with only facts and not feelings in his day to day life.... I wonder how supportive this partner would be?

OP posts:
Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 18:20

Anaemiafog · 30/05/2023 18:19

In a true Dom/Sub, the sub has all the power. This dick just wants a wife who does everything he wants. They are NOTHING alike. Run!

Really? How are they a submissive person if they have all the power?

OP posts: