Views on submissive/dominant relationships?

[Uktousa2022]

Recently met a new partner and having a few cultural differences. He is very much from the understanding that men are the leaders in the relationships and woman should trust and go along with there decisions and they will protect and provide etc. I work full time and have a good job. He has his own business. He is very much used to being the 'boss' of his relationships, and I suppose so am I. He expects to do most things on his own eg buy the house, probably pay most of the bills with me just contributing etc. However in return, I believe he wants someone who will be treated how he wants to be treated, for eg if he wants silence thats what you give him, if he wants food then thats what you make him, not really encouraged or liked when you go out with the girls, clubbing would be a outright no, and would usually get annoyed if you planned to do things without him. The sort of guy on a trip it would be planned and booked by him and you follow round the airport. Nothing wrong with this I suppose, just really struggling to be that 'submissive' female considering my mother was and after the divorce she got left without anything. I feel having your own financial security is important and you can't really rely on anyone for anything.

What are you views on this? I am told I am argumentative if i voice an opinion I have on things, and I "pick arguments" if he comes home in a bad mood and I ask whats wrong etc, or if I want to get up on a Saturday and do stuff and he wants to lay in because he is tired from working. Most of the weekend plans are what he wants to do, but he will go along with things I want to do but usually doesn't say much as he doesn't want to be there.

He also makes a joke but I know he means it that women should 'cut the grass' as men do etc etc, but then it gets confusing because if he wants gender roles, then surely the woman should stick to her 'woman' jobs, likewise why would I be expected to work and contribute at all if he wants to be the main provider and for me to do all the household woman chores (something I am not comfortable with) I once asked if he was earning more than me would he pay more of the mortgage than me, and he asked well would you if you was earning more than me? It is very confusing and I do not know if its cultural differences or different upbringings. I am cautious about being financially dependent on any guy as I have seen this happen to a few women and the men get controlling/low key emotionally abusive.

*Just like no woman ever out earn or support a man ever happens now, nor do women ever bring any assets into a marriage in mra world.

What is your family background and situation op?

Do you have any?

What is their opinion on this "man" and relationship?

What is their opinion on you moving to the US for this "trial" living with him?

Do they know about the dog, the dope smoking, the chauvinist entitled opinions on women, the anger etc

What do they think of how quickly you have moved overseas to live with him, even on trial?

Do you have any friends? What is their opinion if him and this relationship?

Are you in a sexual relationship? If so, how does he square that with his biblical scripture "following"?

Are you a practising Christian?

Do you think a non practising Christian or non fundamentalist Christian is compatible with a fundamentalist Christian?.

He's not really btw, he's a cherry picker. I bet he's been having sex with you outside marriage.

In fact oxytocin is one of the only reasons I can think of for why you'd have kept seeing him and for why you're actually debating this with him.

Op, I hope you're ok with this but just to touch on the dog issue.

So it seems like his dog attacked and ultimately killed another dog.

His dog is a breed known for potential aggression and potential for serious damage a death to other dogs, kids etc.

What happened with the owners of the other dog?
How come his dog was not required to be destroyed?

In my experience a certain type of person tends to get that type of dog. It says nothing good about them. That type also tends to smoke dope in my experience incidentally.

You say you have two small dogs and requested he rehomed his dog if you lived together. He refused and has not done so.

Are your dogs in the US with you or elsewhere?

I think his refusal to at the most - have the dog destroyed or at the least rehome it - both due to the killing, and due to your concerns about having your small dogs around it. He has completely ignored, rode roughshod and dismissed your valid concerns & requests.

He is risking your dogs every day, if they are with you.

He is a highly irresistible, risk taking individual. His total disregard for your valid concerns and of care for you is also a sample of your future.

His assertion that he would have his dog, that's killed another gentler, non fighting breed around a baby is frankly insane.

He is a disordered individual, with his choice of "pet", his retention of the pet after killing a other dog, his dope smoking, his extreme mra, chauvinist views etc

I know oxytocin is a bitch wheh you've been intimate from someone but it will wear off. The only way to let it wear off is distance and lack of contact.

*highly irresponsible

I don't think he's going to get rid of that dog no matter what

Hes had it a long time.

He's refused to, even though it (should have) affected his gf moving in with him/staying with him.

He probably likes that type of dog because of his obvious need to feel powerful and masculine (because ultimately he is not really either). He's a wannabe tough guy

(Fits with the "die for my family" BS).

He has expressed his belief that the dog wil be compatible avd safe around his babies & kids

On that front alone (though it's not like there aren't about three other fronts) ..... I would, if you'd like to have kids, end this still quite young relationship and find someone else. Then when a toddler ends up in the press maimed or dead from a dog attack; it will be whoever who idiothc & brain-dead enough to stay with and breed with this specimen; not your toddler.

I have thought of this, well part of me is flattered that someone would want to financially provide/take care of me for the rest of my life and wouldn't see that as a burden, especially so soon, and on the flip side he seems very sure of me, eg I don't think even after multiple arguments in 'honeymoon' period he would never 'give up' as such once he has made a decision. He has a great group of friends, and big family which I like. However I know support, emotionally and support with bringing up kids, willingness is more important than any of those. I also dislike the way he smokes weed daily, and seems irritable without it, he is definitely nicer when he has smoked which is not something I see as sustainable. He also takes no accountability, and if he doesn't agree with something he doesn't believe it eg I tried explaining pitbulls were bred to fight and he did not want to hear it at all, I guess emotional immaturity.

Its funny you say this because when his friends bring there kids around he does lock the dog away, however I have seen the kids sort of tapping/hitting the dog and understanably the dog doesnt like it, but quite honestly I think if the dog bit the kid he would still say it was because the kid was hitting it.. the same was my dog sometimes resource guards, so im worried about it being around his dog, and he says well its a 'my dog problem'

*however I have seen the kids sort of tapping/hitting the dog

So he believes other kids are at risk around it, not believes his own would not be because he brought this little scrap of human back from the hospital to the dogs home from day one; so it would see it as part of its family/pack. Hmm, I wouldn't like to test that theory.

How are they stil tapping/hitting it if he's locked it away?

He says well its a 'my dog problem'

His dog attacked and killed another dog, not any concerns are a "your dog problem".

Got it.

Highly logical.

With logic like that, it's clear why ken like him should be making decisions for us and the leader in the family. I'm overwhelmed by his intelligence, reasoning and logical mind.

I tried explaining pitbulls were bred to fight and he did not want to hear it at all, I guess emotional immaturity.

Emotional immaturity - I think you're being rather kind there.

He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, is he.

He's as arrogant and thick headed as he is dumb.

Also he's clearly a weed addict - smiles every say and irritatable/shitty without it.

He's terrible father material.

Likewise partner material.

He's a drug addict, he's cruel to animals and he is a misogynist who openly told you he doesn't believe men and women are equals.

Mate, what the fuck are you doing continuing this relationship?!

You don’t seem to think very much of yourself
if the good thing about him is that he doesn’t see you as a burden. Why would you be a burden. I genuinely think you are submitting to severe abuse and possibly death because you are being told it’s a good thing for the man to pay the bills. You don’t even actually seem to believe that but for some reason are being brainwashed to think he is right. Why would he be right? He is a twat

And I'm sorry to say it bluntly but while you'd be foolish to continue this relationship at all, you'd be spectacularly irresponsible and selfish to have a child with him.

Because a child deserves better than a father who doesn't believe men and women are equals, let alone one who is a drug addict.

What a horrible decision it would be to have a child with him.

well part of me is flattered that someone would want to financially provide/take care of me for the rest of my life and wouldn't see that as a burden, especially so soon

So soon is a red flag

The providing and taking care of ..... A healthy relationship is both people contributing in the way that suits both, ongoing (which may change throughout the relationship). I'm not sure why it's so flattering. It's just part of a relationship - you contribute & provide as you can afford to/as circumstances allow

But in any case, there are 2 issues with him providing for you;.

A it appears he can't actually and you'd still be required to financially contribute. So it's BS/pie in the sky.

B. He sees providing for you as a deal/arrangement in which you agree to be submissive to him and tender his authority without independence or input/say. He wants you to surrender human rights to be provided for.

You can proceed for yourself by the sounds of it.

You can also have an equal relationship with a man where you both provide and contribute in different ways/according to circumstances- without being required to give up your human rights

You don’t seem to think very much of yourself
if the good thing about him is that he doesn’t see you as a burden. Why would you be a burden.

This too.

What is that all about?

You even work/have a job. It's not like you're even unemployed.

*You can provide for yourself by the sounds of it.

Because a child deserves better than a father who doesn't believe men and women are equals, let alone one who is a drug addict.

And who thinks his dangerous dog would be fine around his kids .... It's a news headline waiting to happen.

It sounds like you've fallen for his (fake) big man/hard man/alpha male/provider bull shit schtick.

He's just a dickhead.

He’s a catch OP. Everything I’d want in a man. An owner of a Pitbull, a provider, a weed smoker! He’s just the type that would take care of someone like me. I’m so fucking happy for you. Don’t let him go hun. He’s a keeper. A real stellar find.

he smokes weed daily, and seems irritable without it

Clearly a clear headed, stable, well adjusted, respectable man with self control.

But he should be the authority and decision maker in his relationship?

Sure.

Op, apparently this is not your first thread..
Your threads get pretty much unanimous responses from people who bother to try to help you.

How much longer are you going to stay with him?

Would you like kids? You need to meet someone else and give yourself time to build a relationship with them before marrying or bringing kids I to the world. That time is tick tick ticking while you debate this silly, nasty wanker.

Hell no!

OP says in her other threads that she'd like kids with this guy as soon as possible.

Worrying.

I hope you're using contraception in this trial period, OP.

This man has truly done a number on you.

I bet if you cited his weed use/addiction as an example of his poor decision making and poor self control, he'll say he can give up anytime he wants.

And I bet he can't.

(He'll also probably start listing all the benefits of smoking cannibis, but so show none of the (equally or greater in number) problems and risks).

Do t bother hanging around and wasting more of your life to see how that pans out.

Oh and smokers cause issues in any number of ways for unborn children and children.... Their own fertility, their child's health (even if the smoking is kept outside), 3rd hand smoke etc etc.

A stoner is not good potential parent material.

So funny you say this because it’s EXACTLY what he does! Says that it’s being legalised and it’s a plant and been used for medicine etc and said he can stop at any given moment and it’s not important to him. Problem is he probably could stop but he’d be an ass lol. Also doesn’t think he’s addicted. Said he smokes to relax so I bought him CBD.. said what’s the point in smoking if you don’t get high.