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Original poster

Views on submissive/dominant relationships?

306 replies

Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 17:21

Recently met a new partner and having a few cultural differences. He is very much from the understanding that men are the leaders in the relationships and woman should trust and go along with there decisions and they will protect and provide etc. I work full time and have a good job. He has his own business. He is very much used to being the 'boss' of his relationships, and I suppose so am I. He expects to do most things on his own eg buy the house, probably pay most of the bills with me just contributing etc. However in return, I believe he wants someone who will be treated how he wants to be treated, for eg if he wants silence thats what you give him, if he wants food then thats what you make him, not really encouraged or liked when you go out with the girls, clubbing would be a outright no, and would usually get annoyed if you planned to do things without him. The sort of guy on a trip it would be planned and booked by him and you follow round the airport. Nothing wrong with this I suppose, just really struggling to be that 'submissive' female considering my mother was and after the divorce she got left without anything. I feel having your own financial security is important and you can't really rely on anyone for anything.

What are you views on this? I am told I am argumentative if i voice an opinion I have on things, and I "pick arguments" if he comes home in a bad mood and I ask whats wrong etc, or if I want to get up on a Saturday and do stuff and he wants to lay in because he is tired from working. Most of the weekend plans are what he wants to do, but he will go along with things I want to do but usually doesn't say much as he doesn't want to be there.

He also makes a joke but I know he means it that women should 'cut the grass' as men do etc etc, but then it gets confusing because if he wants gender roles, then surely the woman should stick to her 'woman' jobs, likewise why would I be expected to work and contribute at all if he wants to be the main provider and for me to do all the household woman chores (something I am not comfortable with) I once asked if he was earning more than me would he pay more of the mortgage than me, and he asked well would you if you was earning more than me? It is very confusing and I do not know if its cultural differences or different upbringings. I am cautious about being financially dependent on any guy as I have seen this happen to a few women and the men get controlling/low key emotionally abusive.

OP posts:
QueenBitch666 · 30/05/2023 22:28

Definitely not sub / Dom. Good old fashioned misogyny. I'd run a mile

GeekyGirl42 · 30/05/2023 22:33

Healthy Dom/Sub relationships involve discussion and consent for every aspect where it plays out. Lifestyle D/S relationships are carefully negotiated, and behind the role play, there is equality.

awimbawaaay · 30/05/2023 22:33

I honestly have no problem with some of the "red pill" stuff that's floating around these days. RedPillWomen on reddit for example, I've read a bit on there and while it's not for everyone it seems to work for them (basically defined gender roles, find an ACTUAL high value man who's trustworthy and you do your bit while he does his bit) and they seem happy in their relationships. It works for them. My SIL and DB are a bit like this and have been together very happily since they were teens. She makes him and the children happy and in return he works like a dog for them.

But there's a difference between RPW (or tradwife etc) and the "Red Pill" stuff that's coming from the likes of Andrew Tate / Manosphere / MGTOW. That's just absolute misogynistic bullshit. That's about treating your wife like a sex slave + wage slave + house slave while you're free to do whatever the fuck pleases you. It's about as far away from traditional/ conservative as you can get.

Personally I'd run a mile. He 100% sounds like the second one.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/05/2023 23:17

eg if he wants silence thats what you give him, if he wants food then thats what you make him, not really encouraged or liked when you go out with the girls, clubbing would be a outright no, and would usually get annoyed if you planned to do things without him. The sort of guy on a trip it would be planned and booked by him and you follow round the airport

This has made me laugh so much. Get rid of this complete loser. Men like this are so inadequate. They have no idea what a strong person really looks like.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/05/2023 23:19

I love how he's tripping over himself. He doesn't want to do any household chores, so he says that's the woman's job. However, mowing the lawn has always traditionally been a male job. He's allocating that to the woman because he doesn't want to do it himself. Ultimately, he's just completely and utterly selfish and self-absorbed. And more than a bit thick.

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 23:34

LolaSmiles · 30/05/2023 21:08

This thread has made me think of an observation a different mumsnetter made once:
Isn't it interesting how many so called traditional men are traditional when it comes to keeping women in their place, but not traditional when it comes to cohabitation and sex.

Out of interest OP is your traditional man traditional romantically or is he quite happy with having sex as part of the relationship?

Absolutely.

I dated a self described "old school" man who wanted no separate socialising (considered it disrespectful) etc etc .... Yet wanted to shag the first time I stayed at his.

He wanted a 50s wife, but with the sex before marriage from say one a man would very rarely get with a 50s wife.

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 23:35

*day one

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 23:35

awimbawaaay · 30/05/2023 22:33

I honestly have no problem with some of the "red pill" stuff that's floating around these days. RedPillWomen on reddit for example, I've read a bit on there and while it's not for everyone it seems to work for them (basically defined gender roles, find an ACTUAL high value man who's trustworthy and you do your bit while he does his bit) and they seem happy in their relationships. It works for them. My SIL and DB are a bit like this and have been together very happily since they were teens. She makes him and the children happy and in return he works like a dog for them.

But there's a difference between RPW (or tradwife etc) and the "Red Pill" stuff that's coming from the likes of Andrew Tate / Manosphere / MGTOW. That's just absolute misogynistic bullshit. That's about treating your wife like a sex slave + wage slave + house slave while you're free to do whatever the fuck pleases you. It's about as far away from traditional/ conservative as you can get.

Personally I'd run a mile. He 100% sounds like the second one.

I know it does work for some people, but its in some humans DNA that when they have the power and control over everything that some will abuse it. I am trying to work out if this is the case. As I mentioned before, he says both exs cheated on him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 23:37

DumpedByText · 30/05/2023 22:21

I dated a Middle Eastern man with very similar traits for two years. I found myself treading on egg shells in order to avoid conflict, although he was very generous he was also controlling, he gaslighted me all the time and it was exhausting trying to work out how I'd pissed him off everytime!

I dumped him by text and he was incredulous that I'd actually dumped him. 😂 I'd run for the hills if I was you as if it's in his culture he won't change.

Right! I don't even know it they do it deliberately as sometimes it seems they have good intentions, but it does wear you down. Mine said both exes cheated on him though, he also said both said they had therapy after him

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 23:38

His mother may dote on him but she keeps giving you warnings loud and clear.

Your responses through the thread, your poster confusion/obtuse-ness/boundary issues etc. make me wonder about you op. Are you "neurodiverse"?
You seem to need thing spelled out for you that many women wouldn't. You seem to be seriously considering a relationship that would have sane women raised in a liberal democracy running. He seems to enable to bamboozle you with BS rather easily.

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 23:39

Catchasingmewithspiders · 30/05/2023 20:42

But that's not all he wants is it?

Who is going to clean
Who is going to do the food shopping
Who is going to do the gardening
Who is going to do the organising
Who is going to do the laundry
Who is going to do the ironing
Who is going to wash the dishes
Who is going to organise events
Who is going to buy presents and cards for the family even his family

You have said before you want kids

Who is going to do the school runs
Who is going to look after them when they are sick
Who is going to remember all their events
Who is going to organise and book all their appointments
Who is going to buy their presents
Who is going to buy their clothes
Who is going to tidy up after them
Who is going to feed them
Who is going to bathe them
Who is going to organise their things
Who is going to go through and get rid of the things they have grown out of
Who is going to remember their friends birthdays
Who is going to organise their play dates
Who is going to liaise with their teacher/childcare

And the dogs

Who is going to walk the dogs
Who is going to clean up after them
Who is going to organise vet appointments
Who is going to take them to vet appointments
Who is going to feed them

And who is going to have to keep their mouth shut and never be allowed an opinion the whole time they do it

Show quote history

This is very insightful , thanks. He will put this down to he works and the woman has time to do all of this (if she wasn't working) but I actually know many men that work full time and do still like to get involved with some of these tasks. Did you read that both exes cheated on him? & he told me that both said they had therapy after, he said they had emotional issues

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 23:40

As I mentioned before, he says both exs cheated on him.

He says.

People say lots of things

What the true story is only the exes know.

I've heard if numerous examples of posters on here who were told convincingly that they'd partners exes cheated on them, were violent towards them etc. Only to find out painfully first hand that that was untrue and that he was the cheater or beater.

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 23:40

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 23:38

His mother may dote on him but she keeps giving you warnings loud and clear.

Your responses through the thread, your poster confusion/obtuse-ness/boundary issues etc. make me wonder about you op. Are you "neurodiverse"?
You seem to need thing spelled out for you that many women wouldn't. You seem to be seriously considering a relationship that would have sane women raised in a liberal democracy running. He seems to enable to bamboozle you with BS rather easily.

No idea what this means but I do have ADHD.. I am aware of the warning signs since hence the post but I do like to see the good in people

OP posts:
Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 23:42

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 23:40

As I mentioned before, he says both exs cheated on him.

He says.

People say lots of things

What the true story is only the exes know.

I've heard if numerous examples of posters on here who were told convincingly that they'd partners exes cheated on them, were violent towards them etc. Only to find out painfully first hand that that was untrue and that he was the cheater or beater.

Hmm yeah it does seem strange that they broke up and then gave things another go, with his ego, I am surprised he would do that if she cheated. He also doesn't seem a liar though, I know she felt trapped (no work, no money he paid the bills) so maybe she did cheat but just had no other choice. I know at the end she refused to meet up with him and apparently said were "too far gone"

OP posts:
PinkChampange · 30/05/2023 23:43

that is not sub/dom that is controlling

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 23:43

Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 23:40

No idea what this means but I do have ADHD.. I am aware of the warning signs since hence the post but I do like to see the good in people

Show quote history

I just wondered if you are on the spectrum for asd and similar.

From your consideration of what this specimen is proposing.
And from your answers to posters on the thread

I don't mean any offence by this at all.

To the contrary I worry it is making you vulnerable to someone like him.

TheHandmaiden · 30/05/2023 23:45

@TheoTheopolis23 - more than likely. Controlling men often have crazy or exes who cheated. It's a massive red flag and designed to make the current woman feel sorry for him that they weren't kind to him and he needs attention. Because they are crazy, she is also the better choice.

It's the biggest sign you will ever get that a man with a controlling attitude tells you of the crazy ex. Just get out.

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 23:47

Pretty much everything this man is saying is a big red flag.

Why are you still considering a relationship with him?

That's what I don't understand.

padsi1975 · 30/05/2023 23:48

I'd say if you want a very unhappy life, being disregarded and disrespected all the time....stay with this guy. Sounds like he doesn't like women. I'd rather work ANY job for ANY wage than ever be reliant on any man, especially one with such selfish, narcissistic views. RUN!

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 23:49

I know she felt trapped (no work, no money he paid the bills)

That's what his approach (too nice a word but I can't think of a better one ATM) leads to. Yet here he is trying to sucker another woman into it.

He clearly thinks he just needs to find the right woman victim

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 23:53

he said they had emotional issues

🙄

I dated a guy whose exes all had issues too.

Within three months our relationship became a shit show too.

Guess who the common denominator was.

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 23:54

Anyway it's ironic he's saying his exes had issues ..... Like he fucking doesn't

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 31/05/2023 00:01

TheoTheopolis23 · 30/05/2023 23:54

Anyway it's ironic he's saying his exes had issues ..... Like he fucking doesn't

One thing I will mention is he says he has no empathy because he has had a hard time last year, 2 friends died, 2 uncles, one of the first nights we got drunk around each other he started crying a LOT about his friends death and I had to console him, he NEVER likes to talk about that and I can tell regrets it... I wonder if deeper issues are at play here. Maybe one of the other reasons I am trying to see the good.

OP posts:
someoneisalwaysintheloo · 31/05/2023 00:06

How long have you been seeing him?

TheoTheopolis23 · 31/05/2023 00:11

Maybe one of the other reasons I am trying to see the good.

So e things outweigh any good.

That does not mean that the "good" aspects don't exist; but they outweigh them, in terms of a healthy relationship.

There are plenty of people who are not "all bad" but who nonetheless are incapable of a healthy relationship.

He is not offering you a healthy relationship. I seriously doubt from what you have told us that he ever would.

His "good" aspects do not change that fundamental fact.