Views on submissive/dominant relationships?

[Uktousa2022]

Recently met a new partner and having a few cultural differences. He is very much from the understanding that men are the leaders in the relationships and woman should trust and go along with there decisions and they will protect and provide etc. I work full time and have a good job. He has his own business. He is very much used to being the 'boss' of his relationships, and I suppose so am I. He expects to do most things on his own eg buy the house, probably pay most of the bills with me just contributing etc. However in return, I believe he wants someone who will be treated how he wants to be treated, for eg if he wants silence thats what you give him, if he wants food then thats what you make him, not really encouraged or liked when you go out with the girls, clubbing would be a outright no, and would usually get annoyed if you planned to do things without him. The sort of guy on a trip it would be planned and booked by him and you follow round the airport. Nothing wrong with this I suppose, just really struggling to be that 'submissive' female considering my mother was and after the divorce she got left without anything. I feel having your own financial security is important and you can't really rely on anyone for anything.

What are you views on this? I am told I am argumentative if i voice an opinion I have on things, and I "pick arguments" if he comes home in a bad mood and I ask whats wrong etc, or if I want to get up on a Saturday and do stuff and he wants to lay in because he is tired from working. Most of the weekend plans are what he wants to do, but he will go along with things I want to do but usually doesn't say much as he doesn't want to be there.

He also makes a joke but I know he means it that women should 'cut the grass' as men do etc etc, but then it gets confusing because if he wants gender roles, then surely the woman should stick to her 'woman' jobs, likewise why would I be expected to work and contribute at all if he wants to be the main provider and for me to do all the household woman chores (something I am not comfortable with) I once asked if he was earning more than me would he pay more of the mortgage than me, and he asked well would you if you was earning more than me? It is very confusing and I do not know if its cultural differences or different upbringings. I am cautious about being financially dependent on any guy as I have seen this happen to a few women and the men get controlling/low key emotionally abusive.

He sounds like a right arse tbh. I can’t see what the benefit of any of this would be for you if you still have to work full time and cut the grass. What is the actual
point of him?

The thing about Dom/sub relationships is that they are negotiated, there is a lot of communication and clarification and the touchstones are safe, sane and consensual.

If there is a part of you that’s curious about that sort of thing, it is much safer to face up to that aspect of yourself and explore it through a BDSM community, rather than dabbling with seemingly dominant assholes and hoping it works out.
(Kayla Lord’s podcast Loving BDSM is a good listen)

And if it doesn’t appeal to you at all, then find a partner who shares your values and outlook. The way to find you Mr. Right is to keep saying “next“ until you find him.

But whatever it is you want, the most important thing to look for is someone who respects you.

This. Dom/sub is a kink consensually entered into by both parties and the man doesn’t have to be the dominant one. This man just hates women and doesn’t see them/you as his equals. I don’t know why you didn’t run a mile as soon as he started with his MRA bullshit.

Because a submissive person can say no and has a choice.

You are setting yourself up for a relationship where you can't say no and you don't have a choice.

Do you want kids? Do you want to bring up a girl to think she's worth less than a boy and that this is a healthy way to live?

Do you like not having any input and effectively being dependant on what he likes/wants? That whole "me man, you woman" mentality, sod that for a game of soldiers.

If it's not your thing either, cut your losses while you can.

Because a dom sub relationship is essentially about sex. It is a powerful sexual dynamic that can feel empowering and a lot of fun. It can become part of your non sexual life but it's all part of the same thing. The sub doing what the dom tells them to is about testing themselves and their limits and boundaries and enjoying the power exchange. Nobody should be doing it unless they truly enjoy the feeling of being dominated. It's a gift that the sub gives to the dom.
in any case it's not EVER about the dom/man making all the decisions and the sun just mindlessly doing what she's told. Grim.

I think you are desperate if you decide to stay in a relationship like this. I think the majority of 'surrended wives' are desperate to stay in their marriages. Very few actually enjoy the dynamic. Also, if he was truly traditional then you wouldn't need to work. Funny that he cherry picks the things that will make your life 10× harder with no benefit whatsoever.
I do know a very traditional couple but also not. He works, she stays at home, he makes the majority of the big financial decisions but day to day she controls everything. He literally takes a small amount of his wage to cover treats and she can do as she pleases with the rest. He doesn't want her to work and she is expected to look after the house and the child.

It’s not uncommon to unconsciously seek to recreate our parents dynamic in order to fix what went wrong in their marriage.

Do you think something like this might be part of your fascination with this dynamic?

Because consent is the first basic of any true sub/Dom relationship.

The sub can withdraw that consent at any time so they essentially have the control over the relationship, it’s boundaries and when it stops.

Being submissive should have a clear benefit for the sub - what benefits are there for the female in what he’s suggesting? All the benefits are for him.

He's a wanker seeking to treat you like dirt in plain sight.
There's no benign angle of tradition, romance or sexual fetish to be had here.
Kindly, I'd be doing a little soul searching into why I was even considering it.

Run.

HTH

Is there anything good about him? He's telling you up front that he doesn't respect you as an equal, doesn't trust your decision-making, thinks he's more competent / intelligent, thinks you should be ready to serve him. ie you are below him. Less than. Not his equal.

You would have to be mad to enter in to any sort of relationship with this vile, sexist, ridiculous man.

Op, I'm not really understanding why you are still with him?

He wants an unequal relationship (even though you're still required to contribute (not that income from work is the only way of contributing, people also contribute massively with house keeping, childcare, home admin etc.) and says he has no empathy.

I'm a bit lost; is he a handsome billionaire with a cock that spurts swiss chocolate?

If so, work the prenup, get out after the amount of time it takes to get a good divorce settlement, and enjoy the chocolate.

Otherwise - FUCK NO.

men are the leaders in the relationships and woman should trust and go along with

Yeah, right.

This would not work for me

Isn't sub/dom relationships going along with all your partners decision whilst they lead the relationship

Err, nope.

All the power rests with the sub. That's kind of the point.

But even if it were like that, what is it to you? The relationship you are in is not working for you. That is plenty reason enough to stop the relationship.

What are you getting from this relationship?

Throw this one back into the pond.

Raise your standards. Your future self will be so grateful you listened to the views on MN.

It depends how it is done I guess. My religion is of the same view, that men are the head of the family and if there are disagreements, he makes the final decision for the household. They would discuss matters first though and it's not done in a horrible way in my religion.

If you don't have the same viewpoint though; it perhaps would not work for you or him.

But saying that, it's not how you describe in your OP. I perhaps should have read the detail fully first. Nah, I couldn't do it, that's total control and disrespect towards their partner.

men are the leaders in the relationships and woman should trust and go along with

Men are also responsible for nearly 100% of violent crime and sex crime and child sex abuse. They abuse power in every arena in which they gain it.

Their behaviour can be seen even at the thicker (non criminal) end of the wedge.

They are more likely to be sociopaths and psychopaths .... That might be relevant since he apparently no empathy and even admits to it.

They are not believed to be more intelligent on average than women; to the contrary.

So why exactly should they be trusted, unquestioned leaders?

Most of them don't even get prosecuted for the abuse - domestic, sexual etc they perpetuate on their dependants.

As said, this is not Dom/Sub.

This is a misogonistic bully that wants a cheap house and sex slave.

Run for the hills.

No. I couldn't be in a relationship like that. It wasn't the way I was brought up and it's not my personality.

I very much doubt that it's possible to make yourself happy in a relationship like that if "submitting" is not in your nature. Cut him loose.

men are the head of the family and if there are disagreements, he makes the final decision for the household

100% of men are simply not trustworthy or high integrity or well adjusted or unselfish enough for that. There is a massive fallacy in assuming an entire set of people born one sex is better in every way (and therefore more qualified to make judgement and decisions) than an entire set of other people born the opposite sex

Women and children (and some boys and men) have suffered horrendously due to that fallacy.

So what are the actual good points of this relationship for you? Because it sounds like you are giving up your autonomy and freedom for ???? in return

This.

To my understanding Dom, sub relationships are only within the sexual realm anyway.

And some switch.

The people who carry them outside the sexual realm are generally a bit bonkers abdvthe relationships are deeply unfair, unequal abdbofren abusive.

Thanks for your comment and I understand some cultures are happy with this set up and it works for them. Could you explain the difference btween what I am describing and your culture? I will try to relay this msg to him to make him understand.. and see which he is after. I know he feels valued being respected and the 'man' of the house, and I don't necessarily see this as a bad TRAIT, however I am just feeling very cautious..

I have asked him this, as it went through my head. I guess he sees it as having a man who would protect and die for the family, who would provide everything they need financially etc...

My experience from friends who have consciously chosen traditional relationship (man earns money, women stay home) is that the man often leaves a lot of decision making to their wife. The expectation on men and how they should treat their wives is high, and men are expected to behave in a way that loves and respect their wives.

Yours sounds like a run of the mill sexist who thinks men should be in charge.