Views on submissive/dominant relationships?

[Uktousa2022]

Recently met a new partner and having a few cultural differences. He is very much from the understanding that men are the leaders in the relationships and woman should trust and go along with there decisions and they will protect and provide etc. I work full time and have a good job. He has his own business. He is very much used to being the 'boss' of his relationships, and I suppose so am I. He expects to do most things on his own eg buy the house, probably pay most of the bills with me just contributing etc. However in return, I believe he wants someone who will be treated how he wants to be treated, for eg if he wants silence thats what you give him, if he wants food then thats what you make him, not really encouraged or liked when you go out with the girls, clubbing would be a outright no, and would usually get annoyed if you planned to do things without him. The sort of guy on a trip it would be planned and booked by him and you follow round the airport. Nothing wrong with this I suppose, just really struggling to be that 'submissive' female considering my mother was and after the divorce she got left without anything. I feel having your own financial security is important and you can't really rely on anyone for anything.

What are you views on this? I am told I am argumentative if i voice an opinion I have on things, and I "pick arguments" if he comes home in a bad mood and I ask whats wrong etc, or if I want to get up on a Saturday and do stuff and he wants to lay in because he is tired from working. Most of the weekend plans are what he wants to do, but he will go along with things I want to do but usually doesn't say much as he doesn't want to be there.

He also makes a joke but I know he means it that women should 'cut the grass' as men do etc etc, but then it gets confusing because if he wants gender roles, then surely the woman should stick to her 'woman' jobs, likewise why would I be expected to work and contribute at all if he wants to be the main provider and for me to do all the household woman chores (something I am not comfortable with) I once asked if he was earning more than me would he pay more of the mortgage than me, and he asked well would you if you was earning more than me? It is very confusing and I do not know if its cultural differences or different upbringings. I am cautious about being financially dependent on any guy as I have seen this happen to a few women and the men get controlling/low key emotionally abusive.

I will try to relay this msg to him to make him understand

Would your view change if he said he was prepared to be 100% financially responsible, as in I didn't need to contribute?

The whole point about having an equal say, having equal access to the household's power, money and resources is not for what he says will happen.

It's to ensure that what he says will happen actually happens.

If he has all the power and money, and you have nothing, what is your back up plan if it's turns out to not be quite as idyllic as you perhaps think it might be to be 'looked after' and not to have any real independence.

Those doubts you are having, pay attention to them. That is your mind telling you to not surrender your power to anyone. There is nothing worth putting yourself in such potential danger.

Do your future self a favour and keep your independence, no matter what the misogynist claims to offer you.

Nothing wrong with this I suppose

WHAT?! OP, you are talking about a kind of slavery. There is lots wrong - why do you think not?

This x 100000000

You "recently" met this guy - how long have you been with him?

Presumably you don't have children with him and you don't own property together (you did mention a mortgage but I'm not sure whether that was theoretical)? In which case you have no ties, and you should run for the hills this very evening. If you do own property and/or are living together, it might be slightly more complicated to extricate yourself, but you definitely should asap.

This is not normal behaviour and he is not a decent man. It is NOT normal to be this controlling, and you should not put up with it. If he's this bad early on in the relationship he will only get worse.

Absolutely not. One person not working can work in a relationship of mutual respect for each others roles, freely shared income and no abuse.

A controlling man who expects you to shut and and wait on him hand and foot? You would be trapped in an abusive relationship unable to leave.

You only need to read a few threads on the relationships board to see where this is headed.

And if you have kids apart from the fact he's going to bring them up to disrespect you because he doesn't respect you, and teach girls to think they are worth less, abuse escalates during or after pregnancy. So what is controlling now is highly likely to get worse.

What if he decides the best way to shut you up is to slap you around a bit?

But you’re not really ever being put first, are you? Certainly not day to day when you are doing all the housework, sorting his food and being told not to have an opinion.

My husband is quite a nurturing person and after a lot of trauma in my life, I really value that feeling of being looked after too. But I haven’t had to give up any of my freedom to get it- we share our finances (I’m the higher earner), decision making and household jobs.

Yes thanks for your comments. I mean I guess anyone half would expect to be waited on if they were going out to work every day and the other half was at home not working - or am I wrong? I don't know if I am giving him the benefit of the doubt.. I do agree what bothers you know does get worse. He is also very irritable and snappy sometimes. Another thing that bothered me is he said he would hit a woman back (punch them in the face) if they done it to him, that they shouldn't expect to hit a man and not get hit back, something that stuck in my head as an odd comment.

His mum did text me once saying that please be patient with him that he gets in a bad mood if things do not go to plan or change, that he just wants me to move in with him (because I changed the date of moving in with him) I still wonder to this day what she means. She also asked if 'I had seem him angry yet' Odd.

Put him in the bin and walk away. Problem solved.

Jesus OP your latest update is even more worrying. "Have you seen him angry yet?"

LEAVE HIM.

Thanks. I guess I have taken from your comments that there are more ways a husband can 'look; after his wife rather than just financially, which is what he is leading me to believe. I do know that he would be prepared to pay and cover all the bills, and if I worked my money would be mine, which I was flattered by, as in Europe its very 50/50 culture.

I suppose I should add (in all fairness) he does work very hard, has a manual stressful job, and says he is quite simple in terms of all he wants is food on the table when he comes in from work (playing devils advocate here lol)

I do believe if one person is at home all day, it is kind to make tea for when the other person gets home from work. I just think it's a caring thing to do but nothing sounds caring from how he is wanting to treat you.

You KNOW that this won't work for you.

I've seen relationships like this work. I think what most people don't realise is that it only works if the man has an equal amount of respect, love and care for his wife. I feel that nowadays it's used as a way for a man to get all his needs met while his partner is neglected.

Er NO!

Why would anyone put up with this? Do not move in with this man if you stay with him just because you quite fancy being "looked after" financially, you'll be back on here in a few years telling us all about how he's abusive, you want to leave but you've no entitlement to the house and have nothing. Run a mile. Earn your own money. Look after yourself x

Your feelings are right and they will snowball. Get out of there!

Jaysus run a bloody Mile! And pick your self worth off the floor.

Even his mum is concerned about how he treats you. How does that not make you think fuck no?

He will get moody and sulk if you don't do what he wants when he wants and doesn't get is own way. What is he? A toddler? What if you had kids? Would you want your daughter exposed to this way of life? Being fucking TERRIFIED of their own dad because god forbid they act like a child so he gets angry, and when he gets angry its bad enough to scare his own mother?

Give your head a wobble, do some courses on healthy relationships and self esteem.

How do I work out if he respects me? Would you just know? As I said, its early days

But that's not all he wants is it?

Who is going to clean
Who is going to do the food shopping
Who is going to do the gardening
Who is going to do the organising
Who is going to do the laundry
Who is going to do the ironing
Who is going to wash the dishes
Who is going to organise events
Who is going to buy presents and cards for the family even his family

You have said before you want kids

Who is going to do the school runs
Who is going to look after them when they are sick
Who is going to remember all their events
Who is going to organise and book all their appointments
Who is going to buy their presents
Who is going to buy their clothes
Who is going to tidy up after them
Who is going to feed them
Who is going to bathe them
Who is going to organise their things
Who is going to go through and get rid of the things they have grown out of
Who is going to remember their friends birthdays
Who is going to organise their play dates
Who is going to liaise with their teacher/childcare

And the dogs

Who is going to walk the dogs
Who is going to clean up after them
Who is going to organise vet appointments
Who is going to take them to vet appointments
Who is going to feed them

And who is going to have to keep their mouth shut and never be allowed an opinion the whole time they do it

Someone hoping you will do the cooking because you have been home all day but is equally willing to pull their weight at the weekend and if you decide to/need to work probably respects you.

Someone who expects you to do the housework and the cooking because you have a vagina and he has a penis thinks you are a domestic appliance he can shag.

men who demand position of leadership and expect their partners to be submissive are generally insecure, fragile and weak-ass leaders

sure, there are relationships where one side is clearly dominant - but people who are good leaders don't need to demand that position

This thread has made me think of an observation a different mumsnetter made once:
Isn't it interesting how many so called traditional men are traditional when it comes to keeping women in their place, but not traditional when it comes to cohabitation and sex.

Out of interest OP is your traditional man traditional romantically or is he quite happy with having sex as part of the relationship?

Thanks for explaining! Yes I often ask him why would he want to buy the house on his own etc etc, as in my country its very 50/50 - he said he wants to be able to achieve those things on his own, and not rely on someone. He believes men should be the providers and not rely on a woman to put 50% of the house.. etc etc. I assume he would pay all the mortgage on this agreement though.

Yes I often think about what needs of mine is he meeting, if he has no empathy, yes he may hear me out, but how hard is that. He gives advice sometimes, but its usually very negative, for eg when I help out my brothers business he always has something to say about it, like I am not getting paid, or my brother isnt doing it the right way, rather than being encouraging. He has moved into a place of his own (renting) so I could move in, so I suppose thats a sacrafice, and he says the fact that he was prepared to pay all the rent/bills.