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Original poster

Views on submissive/dominant relationships?

306 replies

Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 17:21

Recently met a new partner and having a few cultural differences. He is very much from the understanding that men are the leaders in the relationships and woman should trust and go along with there decisions and they will protect and provide etc. I work full time and have a good job. He has his own business. He is very much used to being the 'boss' of his relationships, and I suppose so am I. He expects to do most things on his own eg buy the house, probably pay most of the bills with me just contributing etc. However in return, I believe he wants someone who will be treated how he wants to be treated, for eg if he wants silence thats what you give him, if he wants food then thats what you make him, not really encouraged or liked when you go out with the girls, clubbing would be a outright no, and would usually get annoyed if you planned to do things without him. The sort of guy on a trip it would be planned and booked by him and you follow round the airport. Nothing wrong with this I suppose, just really struggling to be that 'submissive' female considering my mother was and after the divorce she got left without anything. I feel having your own financial security is important and you can't really rely on anyone for anything.

What are you views on this? I am told I am argumentative if i voice an opinion I have on things, and I "pick arguments" if he comes home in a bad mood and I ask whats wrong etc, or if I want to get up on a Saturday and do stuff and he wants to lay in because he is tired from working. Most of the weekend plans are what he wants to do, but he will go along with things I want to do but usually doesn't say much as he doesn't want to be there.

He also makes a joke but I know he means it that women should 'cut the grass' as men do etc etc, but then it gets confusing because if he wants gender roles, then surely the woman should stick to her 'woman' jobs, likewise why would I be expected to work and contribute at all if he wants to be the main provider and for me to do all the household woman chores (something I am not comfortable with) I once asked if he was earning more than me would he pay more of the mortgage than me, and he asked well would you if you was earning more than me? It is very confusing and I do not know if its cultural differences or different upbringings. I am cautious about being financially dependent on any guy as I have seen this happen to a few women and the men get controlling/low key emotionally abusive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 21:14

Catchasingmewithspiders · 30/05/2023 20:45

Someone hoping you will do the cooking because you have been home all day but is equally willing to pull their weight at the weekend and if you decide to/need to work probably respects you.

Someone who expects you to do the housework and the cooking because you have a vagina and he has a penis thinks you are a domestic appliance he can shag.

Show quote history

What examples do you mean by pull his weight on the weekend?

I asked him before if we are both working full time then we both should share house duties - and he agreed - but then said I work from home therefore I should be making dinner if he has been at work all day. He does do laundry and vaccum on the weekends if he has too, but does moan about it. But as I said, if theres a plan or something I want to do on the weekend, he usually huffs and puffs about it, or it gets thrown back in my face a day or two later.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 30/05/2023 21:18

He has moved into a place of his own (renting) so I could move in, so I suppose thats a sacrafice, and he says the fact that he was prepared to pay all the rent/bills.

OP, do you not see how transactional this is? He's offering to buy you, or more like rent you, for girlfriend-type services. Where is the love, admiration, respect, and dignity you need for a worthy relationship?

And unless your side job earns you enough to move out, get a decent flat, and support yourself, you're yoked to him financially.

It makes my head hurt that you are even considering this.

readbooksdrinktea · 30/05/2023 21:20

MaudGonneOutForChips · 30/05/2023 17:39

That’s not a ‘sub dom relationship’, you deluded fool. (In the nicest possible way.) That’s an old-fashioned, reactionary patriarch looking for a surrendered wife.

If you fancy a sub-Don relationship, find yourself a nice man who might fancy a spot of mild bondage in bed but regards you as a fully-functional adult human being inside and outside of the bedroom.

Run for the fucking hills and have a serious word with yourself.

Very much this. All of this.

readbooksdrinktea · 30/05/2023 21:22

Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 17:54

Isn't sub/dom relationships going along with all your partners decision whilst they lead the relationship? Supporting them and staying silent and voicing your opinion but ultimately they have the final say in 90% of things?

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Absolutely not.

dizzydizzydizzy · 30/05/2023 21:24

This sounds like the path to dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

gogohmm · 30/05/2023 21:27

Run for the hills. Misogynistic bullying

Catchasingmewithspiders · 30/05/2023 21:31

Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 21:14

What examples do you mean by pull his weight on the weekend?

I asked him before if we are both working full time then we both should share house duties - and he agreed - but then said I work from home therefore I should be making dinner if he has been at work all day. He does do laundry and vaccum on the weekends if he has too, but does moan about it. But as I said, if theres a plan or something I want to do on the weekend, he usually huffs and puffs about it, or it gets thrown back in my face a day or two later.

Show quote history

Cooks, cleans, does laundry etc. You know normal adult chores.

You work from home, not lie around all day.

He is buying his leisure time with your domestic servitude.

Im giving up now because this isnt the first thread where you have been told he was a red flag.

Im honestly amazed you even made the move the US after your last thread.

readbooksdrinktea · 30/05/2023 21:33

"Have you seen him angry yet?" from his own mother. A chill ran up my spine. You need to run. Like, really fast. It's kind of worrying that you haven't.

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 21:34

Catchasingmewithspiders · 30/05/2023 21:31

Cooks, cleans, does laundry etc. You know normal adult chores.

You work from home, not lie around all day.

He is buying his leisure time with your domestic servitude.

Im giving up now because this isnt the first thread where you have been told he was a red flag.

Im honestly amazed you even made the move the US after your last thread.

Show quote history

He does do the laundry, but I can tell he doesn't want too and will moan. He does it when he lives alone, but I guess if a female is there he would probably expect them too as he 'works'. appreciate your comments - I haven't moved - I am doing a 2/3 month trial

OP posts:
Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 21:35

readbooksdrinktea · 30/05/2023 21:33

"Have you seen him angry yet?" from his own mother. A chill ran up my spine. You need to run. Like, really fast. It's kind of worrying that you haven't.

Yeah I don't know why she said that because she totally dotes on him usually - weird!

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 30/05/2023 21:38

Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 21:35

Yeah I don't know why she said that because she totally dotes on him usually - weird!

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How are you not seeing how much of a red flag it is? That he is?

crackofdoom · 30/05/2023 21:38

How does he speak about his exes?

Bargellobitch · 30/05/2023 21:40

I've read your posts and 8 just don't understand why you'd want to make this work. What is in it for you? Why would you do this to yourself?

feellikeanalien · 30/05/2023 21:43

How old are you OP? Please do not move in with this man. He is already trying to control you. It would be 100 times worse if you moved in. You need to run for the hills. The idea of being provided for may seem appealing but this is just the carrot he is using to get you to give up your independence so he can control you.

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 21:46

crackofdoom · 30/05/2023 21:38

How does he speak about his exes?

I know he helped her by getting her a car in his name because she had bad credit - They moved out of state together, a state he wanted too, think she gave up a job, he said he resented her for not really contributing, apparently she spent all her money on herself nails hair etc and he was paying for everything, he said she cheated on him 3 times (she apparently said he drove her to cheat), she was always receiving 'naughty' pics from men on her phone, but weirdly he was prepared to give it another go at the end? I know she slept a lot - She also told him she went to therapy after the relationship... she said he was mean... he said he was mean because she wasn't a nice person.

OP posts:
Cherryblossoms85 · 30/05/2023 21:46

Pop him in the bin pronto.

DeadbeatYoda · 30/05/2023 21:47

It's 2023, this patriarchal bollocks is just plain backwards.

Original poster
Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 21:50

feellikeanalien · 30/05/2023 21:43

How old are you OP? Please do not move in with this man. He is already trying to control you. It would be 100 times worse if you moved in. You need to run for the hills. The idea of being provided for may seem appealing but this is just the carrot he is using to get you to give up your independence so he can control you.

I get that but is he trying to control me if he wants me to keep my job (even if it is to help him out financially lol)

OP posts:
Motherofalittledragon · 30/05/2023 21:56

My view is it'd be very unwise to have any sort of a relationship with a person like that, you should avoid him at all cost, what kind of life would you have being tied to a man like that.

LolaSmiles · 30/05/2023 22:06

he said he was mean because she wasn't a nice person.
This stands out like a whole row of 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩.
They moved out of state because he wanted to.
In the move she ended up not working and therefore financially dependent on him.
She was apparently all over other men, but he was still willing to make it work despite being cheated on multiple times.

He admits he was mean to her...
... But it's her fault he was mean to her and she made him do it.

That's not how decent men behave.

Lookingoutside · 30/05/2023 22:11

That isn’t a Dom/sub dynamic. Also
it doesn’t sound like you’re looking for that or that you are equipped to enter into it.

Regardless, run away fast, he will abuse you and ruin your life. It is very concerning that you didn’t recognise that for yourself but that’s what forums like this are for, so you can ask others when you’re not sure.

Maybe look into therapy as a way of building yourself up and learning how to set boundaries. Wishing you the best OP ❤️

Lookingoutside · 30/05/2023 22:12

Uktousa2022 · 30/05/2023 21:50

I get that but is he trying to control me if he wants me to keep my job (even if it is to help him out financially lol)

Show quote history

Yes, he definitely is.

monsteramunch · 30/05/2023 22:15

Is he older than you OP?

Some of the things you've shared about him, especially the comment his mum made, are genuinely quite chilling.

I'm wondering if there is an age and / or experience gap here stopping you seeing how giant the red flags are?

Hopefully this thread is opening your eyes to it.

DumpedByText · 30/05/2023 22:21

I dated a Middle Eastern man with very similar traits for two years. I found myself treading on egg shells in order to avoid conflict, although he was very generous he was also controlling, he gaslighted me all the time and it was exhausting trying to work out how I'd pissed him off everytime!

I dumped him by text and he was incredulous that I'd actually dumped him. 😂 I'd run for the hills if I was you as if it's in his culture he won't change.

TheHandmaiden · 30/05/2023 22:22

Honestly, why have you bothered with this man? Neither of you are going to be happy, but you will come off worse out of it than he will.

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