Views on submissive/dominant relationships?

[Uktousa2022]

Recently met a new partner and having a few cultural differences. He is very much from the understanding that men are the leaders in the relationships and woman should trust and go along with there decisions and they will protect and provide etc. I work full time and have a good job. He has his own business. He is very much used to being the 'boss' of his relationships, and I suppose so am I. He expects to do most things on his own eg buy the house, probably pay most of the bills with me just contributing etc. However in return, I believe he wants someone who will be treated how he wants to be treated, for eg if he wants silence thats what you give him, if he wants food then thats what you make him, not really encouraged or liked when you go out with the girls, clubbing would be a outright no, and would usually get annoyed if you planned to do things without him. The sort of guy on a trip it would be planned and booked by him and you follow round the airport. Nothing wrong with this I suppose, just really struggling to be that 'submissive' female considering my mother was and after the divorce she got left without anything. I feel having your own financial security is important and you can't really rely on anyone for anything.

What are you views on this? I am told I am argumentative if i voice an opinion I have on things, and I "pick arguments" if he comes home in a bad mood and I ask whats wrong etc, or if I want to get up on a Saturday and do stuff and he wants to lay in because he is tired from working. Most of the weekend plans are what he wants to do, but he will go along with things I want to do but usually doesn't say much as he doesn't want to be there.

He also makes a joke but I know he means it that women should 'cut the grass' as men do etc etc, but then it gets confusing because if he wants gender roles, then surely the woman should stick to her 'woman' jobs, likewise why would I be expected to work and contribute at all if he wants to be the main provider and for me to do all the household woman chores (something I am not comfortable with) I once asked if he was earning more than me would he pay more of the mortgage than me, and he asked well would you if you was earning more than me? It is very confusing and I do not know if its cultural differences or different upbringings. I am cautious about being financially dependent on any guy as I have seen this happen to a few women and the men get controlling/low key emotionally abusive.

But has he not said he's not going to provide all the income?

Die for his family? Such hyperbole.

Did he say that; sounds highly dramatic & unstable & fixated on Putin style nonsense about "masculinity".

Right but I’m not asking him, I’m asking YOU what you get out of this relationship. Is it actually making you happy?

Why on earth are you obsessing over this prick of a man, surely one date would have been enough to see his old fashioned views. There's no need to 'try and understand him' ... why are you so desperate for a man? Just bin him and work on your self esteem. I was a 'bar burning, Spare Rib reading' feminist in the 1970s and I despair that there are still women 50 years later who still seemingly can't function without a man.

I will try to relay this msg to him to make him understand.. and see which he is after

I'm not going to be tactful here.

You need counselling for not having already run in the opposite direction like Usain Bolt on the world's best energy drink.

He's already told you enough of what he's after to make any well adjusted person run like fuck.

Fuck no.
Tell him to subscribe to the transformed wife on Facebook, he’ll find all the people he wants there to be his help meet. They are fucking deluded and properly into males rule everything.

You though, fucking run.

Actually what @TheoTheopolis23 said. That you should speak to some about why you are possibly accepting this for your life?

@Uktousa2022 Of course, I don't mind explaining. I spoke too soon in my first post as I was doing something else at the same time and read it too quick.

You said that he believes men are the 'leaders' and women should go along with what he says. This is similar to my religion in the sense of the man being the 'head' of the house but the difference is that the wife is encouraged to express her opinion and not just agree with her husband. She is allowed to disagree and her opinion be taken on board. Your partner sounds like he is saying "what I says goes and you aren't allowed to say anything at all whether you like it or not". That's not at all caring.

The man buying a house on his own would not be something done in our religion. Husband and wife are a team and do everything together. It would be as much her house as his. Your partners set up is making you fully dependent on him and setting you up for him to be able to say "this is my house, what I say goes" like you would with a child. It's all part of the control.

Again, him wanting food and silence means that it should be given to him there and then shows a lack of respect. My religion teaches both husband and wife to consider and meet the needs of each other. Not just one sided.

To be honest, the more I read, I don't think it's anything to do with his culture, I think that is a smokescreen for him wanting to be controlling and abusive.

The thing about saying that you get to be in charge because you would die for your family is its highly unlikely he would ever actually be called upon to die for his family. Its very likely you might want to make a few decisions.

Regardless the reality is most mothers would throw themselves in front of their child if necessary so it's not like women won't die for their families too.

So he will probably never have to die for his family, he expects you to share the financial burden, why does he get to be in charge again?

Yeah - it's a crock of shit.

This X 100.

Let him but himself a third world, desperate, economic migrant wife..... Who hopefully will get the fuck out of there with half his assets after she's got her leave to remain.

Why would any woman with earning and welfare prospects from a liberal democracy ever take this shit. Women fought tooth and nail for your rights .... Don't give them up FFS.

You say you “met a new partner” …

You know you get to choose, right? You don’t have to accept some nonsense sexist shite. As for ascribing it to cultural differences or trying ti explain things to him or change his mind or figure him out … you’re wasting your time. Don’t be ridiculous. You can do better.

I've been in a sub/dom relationship as the dominant. For the vast majority of couples that do this, it's "bedroom only," and they function as equal partners in everything else. And the sub does have the power, as others have said, as they must consent and set the boundaries about what activities are allowed, as they find them enjoyable, and which are not allowed, as they don't enjoy them.

And the idea that you get a lifetime of care and protection is utter tosh. Like any other relationship, it can fall apart for many reasons. For someone as self-centered as your boyfriend, I'd expect this to happen a few years later when someone younger or hotter catches his eye.

This is really a path to misery and abuse. Please bin him and find someone with more healthy attitudes towards women and relationships.

Oh yeah, he’s really going to die for his family when he has no empathy. This guy is just your average, misogynistic arse, and excusing his behaviour with culture and sex games. It’s bullshit. Women fought very hard in this country for equality, why would you give that away to some entitled, arrogant knob-head?

Would your view change if he said he was prepared to be 100% financially responsible, as in I didn't need to contribute? Jw

Thanks for your comments- Would your view change if he said he was prepared to be 100% financially responsible, as in I didn't need to contribute? Jw

For goodness sake is this what you want for you and your children. My so called mother is a surrendered wife and pretended not to notice whilst I was being sexually abused.
I left as soon as I legally could and they went off to live out their "perfect" life.
When he dies she doesn't have a daughter any more.
She doesn't know how to do a damned thing, she doesn't know how much money they have.
She doesn't know about his numerous affairs or if she does she pretends everything is great.
She is just happy to be looked after and do as she is told. She disgusts me.

Thanks for your comments- Would your view change if he said he was prepared to be 100% financially responsible, as in I didn't need to contribute?

He would use your financial dependence on him as a means of control. Then, when the relationship ends, you'd be pennyless with no career or job.

Needless to say, this is a really bad situation.

I guess part of me likes the idea of being 'taken care of' as my dad did with my mum, and being looked after and 'protected' at all costs, and put first etc, provided for financially.

Yes this is exactly my thinking. But part of me is thinking well if he wants me to work PT/contribute slightly/have a side job/have my own 'pocket money/spending money' to spend on myself - is he really controlling? But I totally agree, its a huge worry for me and I am struggling to take the risk..

Bollocks to all that. He's an old fashioned chauvinist pig.

'Protected at all costs' means absolutely and utterly nothing though doesn't it?
It's just hyperbole. Nonsense. Convenient though.
'Here, you do absolutely all the drudge work, and be at my beck and call, hour after hour, day after day, but in return if a bullet is coming your way (chance - one in a billion billion) I'll get in the way (*almost certainly won't but let's just say I will) '

He is totally crazy, I am dying to know what nationality or religion he is. He means he has already ground rules put in place but when you question him further he is not sure and his decisions what you should be doing can change at a whim? - he is just confused small bloke in a big world where he will find it hard.

How long have you actually known this dick man? You say you 'recently met a new partner' so presumably it's just some random you are dating, why are you even discussing your future financial situation with him? Are you very young and desperate to be 'coupled up'?

I have a feeling I know what religion but I darent say in case I'm wrong and get lynched 🫣