My baby isn’t safe around her cousin- help please

[Babyroadtripper]

Currently away with in laws and need some practical advice. We see my BIL and his wife and DC twice a year, so not very frequently at all.

I have a 11 month old who is very new to toddling and unstable.

She has an 11 year old cousin who is obsessed with her. He most definitely has some additional needs based on my experience as a teacher in a special school (10 years). The family just think he’s a bit of a character and overly sensitive- but he has definite social communication needs. Like I have seen some children gravitate towards the reception children during my time in mainstream, I see his fixation on my DD in the same way. He coos over her so sweetly, but gets overstimulated and excited. He doesn’t understand how fragile she is.

When we’ve seen them before but DD was younger so the most I had to fend off was some poking of her birthmark, and he didn’t like me telling him not to.

We have been in the holiday apartment for 30 minutes and so far he has been poking her in the throat when she was eating under the guise of tickling. Straight after the meal, he picked up from the floor when she was playing- tried to sit her on a dining chair and when his grandma tried to very gently ‘no no no’, plonked her on the floor. It all happened so quick. She toppled backwards and slammed her head on the floor. The sound made my blood run cold. He sloped off straight away, unbothered.

I grabbed her, checked her, fed her. lots of tears but she’s ok.

5 minutes later BIL’s wife came to check in a casual, ‘oh she’s okay’ way. I’m really not happy.

i’m not an anxious parent. At all. I usually get scoffed at for being TOO CHILL with DD, but I don’t trust him. I don’t trust the adults to keep her safe with him either. We’re going to a water park and I’m worried he’s going to do something stupid like let go of her in the water, if a good intentioned adult lets him be a ‘big cousin’ and swim with her.

Please help me here.

What kind of help would be useful?

It sounds like it isnt safe for you to leave your baby unsupervised by you.
The other adults in this scenario don't seem to be very on top of things.
So it won't be much of a break for you, but I would be within arms reach of my baby where possible.

This was stone floor, not carpet by the way.

it could have been seriously nasty.

it wasn’t, I know.

but i just feel so uneasy.

Stop letting him get close enough to harm her! I wouldn't be worried about the water park because I wouldn't let him get close enough to cause any harm.

Just be firm. Additional needs or not he needs firmly told.

I wouldn't let her out of my arm's reach either. And I wouldn't be nervous or worried about telling your nephew off if necessary.

Is there any way you could make an excuse to get out of going to the water park? It doesn't sound at all safe.

Watch her like a hawk and intervene whenever necessary. I wouldn’t care if your relatives think you are being OTT, do what you need to do to keep her safe.

Your her parent. Why would you let an 11 year old take her in a pool? Just say no And 11 year olds really don't have any awareness of what's safe for a baby, given their utter lack of experience with them so I don't know why you'd expect him to be concerned about a bumped head.

Where are you? Can you stay elsewhere? Go back home? You will have to keep your toddler in reach and sight 24/7. Can you do that?

Don't take a baby to a water park.

Water park is easy - 11 year old shouldn't be supervising a toddler anyway.

She should be doing that anyway! Baby's only 11 months!

Forget social niceties and just protect your daughter.

Is there any way you could make an excuse to get out of going to the water park? It doesn't sound at all safe

It's perfectly safe as long as she's not stupid enough to allow the cousin to hold/ swim with her DD.

I wouldn't take an 11 month old to a water park. It is expensive and completely unsuitable.

Ok there’s the long term issue, but let’s focus on getting you through this holiday.
what does your OH thinks? It’s his family so the big chat has to come from him (ideally)
you need to get your OH involved in getting firm boundaries and not let your DD alone with her big cousin
i mean, I have a sensible 12 yo daughter and would not be comfortable for her being responsible of a toddler in a water park - so I would say out of the question for him to be in charge of the toddler- just as a general parent - toddler is too young and any 11yo can get easily distracted, water park there’s just too much that can go wrong, so over-rule any well intentioned adults, and yes, that would mean you don’t get a break, but needs must
same rest of the week, he’s not alone with her since (this is the excuse) “he’s still young and she’s a handful” - use the crying incident as your example

Enlist your husband to encourage his nephew and brother/bIL to have fun on all the waterslides. Then just chill in the baby pool with your daughter. Don’t let 11 yr old take her around the pool, even if he asks.

Just keep her within your reach (as you normally would with a baby that age), and anytime her cousin goes near her, you pick her up. No 11 year old should be responsible for another child in water, so that shouldn't even be an issue.

Well yes of course. The problems come when other adults want to take over, help, interfere, overrule.

She is still young enough that her parents should be supervising her anyway so I don't really understand why you are asking what to do. Just look after her.

Yep. This ☝️

Also they’ll be a park rule that non swimmers/under 3s must always be within arms reach of an adult caregiver. And 11 is not an adult so nephew can’t hold her in the pool - your nephew might accept that reasoning better.

My 5 year old has ASD and is capable of understanding and practicing gentle hands with her newborn cousin.

If she wasn’t, I wouldn’t let her interact with him in a way that I couldn’t guarantee the baby’s safety. I also wouldn’t blame my sister for wanting to protect her child.

You can’t rely on BIL, his wife or your ILs to do the same thing. That means you only have one real option, which is to stick to supervising DD yourself and fending off attempts to initiate rough play or OTT physical contact.

Shit for you and DD, but I also feel really sorry for your nephew who just wants to play but isn’t being taught how to do that appropriately by his parents.

Surely at the water park you will be pretty much holding an 11mth old all of the time? I would never let a baby that young out of my immediate control anywhere near water. If the rest of the family think you are being overprotective so be it.

You're too nice. Id lose my temper. Keeping your daughter safe is your priority even it means falling out with your family

Just keep her out of his reach; exactly what you'd do if one of them had an unreliable dog.

If they comment or question it, look them right in the eye and tell them the boy clearly hasn't got the necessary maturity, awareness or judgement to protect a baby from risk/ harm and keep them safe.