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Original poster

My baby isn’t safe around her cousin- help please

286 replies

Babyroadtripper · 29/05/2023 13:31

Currently away with in laws and need some practical advice. We see my BIL and his wife and DC twice a year, so not very frequently at all.

I have a 11 month old who is very new to toddling and unstable.

She has an 11 year old cousin who is obsessed with her. He most definitely has some additional needs based on my experience as a teacher in a special school (10 years). The family just think he’s a bit of a character and overly sensitive- but he has definite social communication needs. Like I have seen some children gravitate towards the reception children during my time in mainstream, I see his fixation on my DD in the same way. He coos over her so sweetly, but gets overstimulated and excited. He doesn’t understand how fragile she is.

When we’ve seen them before but DD was younger so the most I had to fend off was some poking of her birthmark, and he didn’t like me telling him not to.

We have been in the holiday apartment for 30 minutes and so far he has been poking her in the throat when she was eating under the guise of tickling. Straight after the meal, he picked up from the floor when she was playing- tried to sit her on a dining chair and when his grandma tried to very gently ‘no no no’, plonked her on the floor. It all happened so quick. She toppled backwards and slammed her head on the floor. The sound made my blood run cold. He sloped off straight away, unbothered.

I grabbed her, checked her, fed her. lots of tears but she’s ok.

5 minutes later BIL’s wife came to check in a casual, ‘oh she’s okay’ way. I’m really not happy.

i’m not an anxious parent. At all. I usually get scoffed at for being TOO CHILL with DD, but I don’t trust him. I don’t trust the adults to keep her safe with him either. We’re going to a water park and I’m worried he’s going to do something stupid like let go of her in the water, if a good intentioned adult lets him be a ‘big cousin’ and swim with her.

Please help me here.

OP posts:
FofB · 29/05/2023 14:17

You do need to be that parent. I was. Everyone thought I was a miserable so and so until he gave his Grandad a black eye.

I would use my body to block him and if needed, make my arm as a barrier. I also used to ask him to help but in a way I wanted- 'would you be able to help me mash the food up?' 'Could you help me do xxx for the baby?'

We don't holiday with them anymore.

Smallyellowbird · 29/05/2023 14:17

Don't go to the waterpark - say it's too hot for your baby and have some chill time, and try to avoid family outings - otherwise keep her close, and don't let your nephew hold her. Let your inlaws think you're being unreasonable.

diddl · 29/05/2023 14:19

If anyone says anything you tell them no-you don't trust anyone else to keep her safe.

Lovingitallnow · 29/05/2023 14:21

Unfortunately you can't be a chill parent on a holiday like this and you'll need to supervise her more closely. You can't control his behaviour but you can yours. In the first instance you should have told him to stop and pulled his hand away if necessary, the second time grandma shouldn't have been involved at all, you should have physically removed her. You'll need to be more all over her even if you'd usually be more relaxed and allow her independence. In the water park it should you you and Dh Holding her at all times.

mincedtart · 29/05/2023 14:23

I know you say you’re not an anxious parent, but this does seem like a slightly strange reaction. When my baby was that age loads of older kids were fascinated by him and saw him as a bit of a toy. I had to watch him 24/7 and constantly keep him from getting pushed/hit/dropped etc. It’s really not unusual for older kids to be clueless about babies, and it certainly doesn’t mean they have ASD!

TakeMeDancingNakedInTheRain · 29/05/2023 14:23

I'd just tell him straight that he's being too rough and has already hurt her so he needs to keep his distance. "No don't touch her" "move away thank you" etc. She's so little you will be keeping a close eye anyway even with family there, I'd just make it more clear that he needs to keep away. If he is special needs even more so, I'd be keeping my baby safe, sod being polite.

Floralnomad · 29/05/2023 14:23

I don’t know what’s so difficult about this , you are the parent just supervise her yourself at all times and don’t let him near her .

whynotwhatknot · 29/05/2023 14:25

You tell him no every time tought tits if your inlaws dont like it

Heatherbell1978 · 29/05/2023 14:26

I had a similar situation with a group of friends where a couple of the children in the group have special needs and on holidays together I couldn't keep my daughter out of sight. One of the children question has since been diagnosed (now 9) and the other not (8) but obviously with kids older (DD now 6) it's less of an issue.
As others have said, don't feel you can't discipline particularly if the parents aren't.

Thesharkradar · 29/05/2023 14:26

Paq · 29/05/2023 13:39

Forget social niceties and just protect your daughter.

THIS
Please stop worrying about offending people, be very firm with this boy and do not indulge any of his antics.

TeaYarn · 29/05/2023 14:26

Tell them that their casual down playing of their sons addition needs has endanger your child and you’re unhappy they’re failing to take your daughters injury seriously.

dancinginthesky · 29/05/2023 14:29

Whilst keeping your baby safe is paramount it's not necessary to be mean to a kid with additional needs over it... it's the adults failing him allowing things he shouldn't be doing. But I wouldn't even bother with a row over it during the holiday and deal with it later with the adult's seriously just keep the kid occupied with other tasks for the baby... my DS doesn't notice he's not holding her if he's busy fetching her things and entertaining her whilst she's safely strapped in or held by her parents

Heatherbell1978 · 29/05/2023 14:29

I should add on last year trip to France, 8 yr old child sat on my DS' head in the pool and I had to jump in clothed to sort the situation as my DH had turned his back for a second. Keep your eyes on like a hawk in the pool.

Thesharkradar · 29/05/2023 14:29

You have to find your inner mother Bear, she is not a teddy bear, she is willing to KILL anyone who hurts her child, you have to be the mother Bear here.

Hayliebells · 29/05/2023 14:30

I wouldn't go to the waterpark with an 11 month old. They're way too young to get anything out of it, and it's a waste of a ticket for you as you'd just be holding them constantly. For the rest of the holiday, you're going to need to also keep your baby with you at all times, so you can supervise. Can you go home early? Tbh, I'd be inclined to do that, as it doesn't sound like it's going to be much of a holiday for you, being at home, without any dangerous cousins around, is likely to be much less stressful.

TeaParty4Me · 29/05/2023 14:31

I would definitely be telling them to keep more of an eye on him.

But I would also be not giving him a chance to do anything with her.

You may have to do things like sit somewhere where she’s between you and the wall or another parent, so it is much harder to him to do anything.

There is absolutely no way I’d be leaving her unattended or attended by a family member you don’t trust.

I would be open about why you are being protective too, because he is too young to understand (I wouldn’t mention SN) and she’s already been hurt by him accidentally.

Peppermint81 · 29/05/2023 14:31

Errr keep hold of her when he's around and don't let him pick her up??
Did what family think. You can say she could have been really hurt when he dropped her earlier I don't want to risk anything

TeaParty4Me · 29/05/2023 14:32

I’m the water park you and DH need to take turns holding her.
No one else.

ItsCalledAConversation · 29/05/2023 14:34

Shes your baby so keep her with you and don’t let the other adults or anyone including cousin look after her? What is the problem with that?

SeaToSki · 29/05/2023 14:34

I think it will be ok for you to keep LO safe while you are holding her but I would be concerned about granny etc wanting to hold her and then not fending off the cousin appropriately. Its fine on the face of it to let granny watch your 11 month old, and you are likely to get some stick for refusing that…but its the further ramifications that are the problem.

If the parents arent going to be realistic, are any of the other adults on this trip likely to take you seriously if you have a quiet word about how dont want the cousin to put their hands on the baby let alone hold her.

very stressful for you

Coronationstation · 29/05/2023 14:35

Put on your best teacher voice and tell him he is not to pick her up because it’s not safe.

commonground · 29/05/2023 14:35

"if a good intentioned adult lets him be a ‘big cousin’ and swim with her."

Um, this an absolutely bonkers statement! Are you on auto-pilot or something? Time to stop being a wet lettuce!

Maxiedog123 · 29/05/2023 14:38

I just wouldn't go to the waterpark at all, say you are tired and stay home. Sounds far too stressful to me.
Unfortunately it seems like you will have to closely supervise your baby yourself the whole time, as it sounds like the other adults are going to go along with the 11 year olds wish to treat the baby like a doll, if the baby hitting its head hasn't convinced them you aren't going to be able to do so with words.
How much longer is the holiday? I'd consider going home.

Yeahno · 29/05/2023 14:39

I would be getting out of there Asap.

MeridianB · 29/05/2023 14:45

You know what he’s capable of and you know what you’re up against with his wishy washy parents. In this situation he wouldn’t be anywhere near my 11mo baby. Not at all. Not even under supervision. And if that upsets him and others then fine. Because your tiny baby is totally dependent on you to protect her.