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Original poster

My baby isn’t safe around her cousin- help please

286 replies

Babyroadtripper · 29/05/2023 13:31

Currently away with in laws and need some practical advice. We see my BIL and his wife and DC twice a year, so not very frequently at all.

I have a 11 month old who is very new to toddling and unstable.

She has an 11 year old cousin who is obsessed with her. He most definitely has some additional needs based on my experience as a teacher in a special school (10 years). The family just think he’s a bit of a character and overly sensitive- but he has definite social communication needs. Like I have seen some children gravitate towards the reception children during my time in mainstream, I see his fixation on my DD in the same way. He coos over her so sweetly, but gets overstimulated and excited. He doesn’t understand how fragile she is.

When we’ve seen them before but DD was younger so the most I had to fend off was some poking of her birthmark, and he didn’t like me telling him not to.

We have been in the holiday apartment for 30 minutes and so far he has been poking her in the throat when she was eating under the guise of tickling. Straight after the meal, he picked up from the floor when she was playing- tried to sit her on a dining chair and when his grandma tried to very gently ‘no no no’, plonked her on the floor. It all happened so quick. She toppled backwards and slammed her head on the floor. The sound made my blood run cold. He sloped off straight away, unbothered.

I grabbed her, checked her, fed her. lots of tears but she’s ok.

5 minutes later BIL’s wife came to check in a casual, ‘oh she’s okay’ way. I’m really not happy.

i’m not an anxious parent. At all. I usually get scoffed at for being TOO CHILL with DD, but I don’t trust him. I don’t trust the adults to keep her safe with him either. We’re going to a water park and I’m worried he’s going to do something stupid like let go of her in the water, if a good intentioned adult lets him be a ‘big cousin’ and swim with her.

Please help me here.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 29/05/2023 15:10

It's not just the water park, and it's not only about an 11 year old not being in charge of a baby. It's that he has already hurt her a few times, and it doesn't sound accidental.
Like people have said, he can't be allowed to pick her up, tickle her or touch her. If anyone says anything you need to be upfront and say he has already hurt her twice and you're not going to allow it to happen again. I'd make a point of saying this to any adults who might think it's ok, and to the boy himself. And get DH and PiL on board too.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 29/05/2023 15:13

Babyroadtripper · 29/05/2023 15:08

Poking the baby when eating - me sat right next to her (obviously told him off)

Picking her up and plonking her on the floor - I was 5 steps away, he was with granny, I rushed over as soon as I saw him lift her and put her on a dining chair but didn’t get there in time before the plonk (I took DD, he walked off)

the ball throwing - I was HOLDING her (BIL told him off)

Show quote history

You need to go home with your DD, with or without DH. If DN is throwing balls at your DD and even you holding her isn't enough to protect her, then for her safety she needs to be taken away from DN. It's not about playing a blame game, it is purely about protecting a very young child.

Original poster
Babyroadtripper · 29/05/2023 15:13

MeridianB · 29/05/2023 15:09

Picking her up and plonking her on the floor - I was 5 steps away, he was with granny, I rushed over as soon as I saw him lift her and put her on a dining chair but didn’t get there in time before the plonk (I took DD, he walked off)

Out of interest, what did your MIL do? Say? Did the other adults just ignore it?

My DH was working, I was loading the dishwasher. BIL and SIL in another room unpacking.

Granny was with them. A gentle ‘no no no no’, but absolutely no command. He gets no discipline from grandparents either because they find him hard to manage. DH has told me that they don’t like his behaviour but don’t have the energy and don’t want to upset the Apple cart.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 29/05/2023 15:16

At a waterpark you need to be absolutely holding your 11 month old ALL THE
TIME so definitely an 11 yr old will be told ''No'' if he offers to take her away.

I do know what you mean, OP about older children- they can be overly rough without meaning to be- especially if they are ''youngest or only'' in they own family and not used to younger children, and how easily they topple over.

DelphiniumBlue · 29/05/2023 15:18

Sorry, I hadn't read right through.
I'd be pointing it out and making a big fuss- " you just threw that ball really hard at a little baby on purpose, and yesterday you.....you can't play with her anymore today, you've hurt her enough already "and make a big deal so that no one is in any doubt. Don't just make it a telling off, make a big fuss so everyone is looking, ask the parents to keep him away. Don't minimise for fear upsetting people.
The rest of the stay will be tough, but your only other option is to leave. And do you have to go to the water park?

Runningonjammiedodgers · 29/05/2023 15:19

titchy · 29/05/2023 13:38

Your her parent. Why would you let an 11 year old take her in a pool? Just say no Confused And 11 year olds really don't have any awareness of what's safe for a baby, given their utter lack of experience with them so I don't know why you'd expect him to be concerned about a bumped head.

My nine year old does. I my 13 year old has always been great with babies. Sounds like the nephew is a handful, nothing to do with age.

FairAcre · 29/05/2023 15:20

I would make this the last holiday that you have together until his behaviour improves.

You need to be blunt even if it offends them. Your little girl is your priority and not their hurt feelings. How long are you there for?

Bobbybobbins · 29/05/2023 15:23

We have a similar but different issue as we have two disabled DS who need 100% supervision at all times by us. With the best will in the world, relatives cannot manage them so we have to be firm with offers to help as it could put the children, relatives or others in a dangerous position. You need to be supervising your DC all the time. Next holiday, get separate accommodation.?

MissHavershamReturns · 29/05/2023 15:23

I have an 11 year old with additional needs and we have baby and toddler cousins. He adores them but of course needs guidance around them.

I think you can put in some relatively simple steps to keep dd safe. I have to say I would have been exactly the same with worrying about my first, though.

I would never leave my 11 month old with any older child unless I was literally able to control the action eg sitting together on the sofa and able to reach out to retrieve child/have a hand on them all the time so they couldn’t slip off. If you just do that simple safety exercise nothing will happen. I would not let anyone supervise my dd in a water park other than myself or her dad at 11 months - it’s just too little.

I’m sure will realise that there could be lots going on here - not well coordinated and unable to judge force (dyspraxia etc). My 11 year old needs continual guidance re extra gentle touch around baby cousins and me and dsis both give him that. We are also always close enough to make sure we can move baby away if needed.

Throwing the ball and not caring if she’s crying could be ADHD type impulsively with the throwing and not connecting her crying (babies do a lot of that) with what he’s done. Or, with ASD, he may just not be aware socially enough to have realised she was hurt. Lots of children with ASD wouldn’t have eye contact and so wouldn’t know. Sadly SIL is not giving him the guidance needed.

I would set up some golden rules for playing with dd - make him the expert and get him to help you with the rules if he will do that. Then repeat the rules every time before he starts playing with her. If any are anywhere close to being broken then of course you pick her up and walk away.

3luckystars · 29/05/2023 15:25

We have al been there. You have to stay with her at ALL TIMES and that’s just the end of it.

Throwncrumbs · 29/05/2023 15:28

Do you think that his parents see this holiday asa break and are deliberately leaving their child’s discipline to the other adults there. What are they like usually, and what were they like pre your baby? Sounds like hard work and I wouldn’t be going with them again. Is this your husbands brother or sisters child, could he not speak to them?

Floralnomad · 29/05/2023 15:30

Unfortunately your husband needs to be very blunt with his parents and tell them why they are not going to get any 1-1 time with your daughter on this holiday . He should also tell them that you won’t be holidaying with the brothers family anymore

caringcarer · 29/05/2023 15:30

You need to tell cousins you can't pick up baby because you made her hurt her head. Stick to your baby like super glue. Don't let her out of your sight and keep yourself between her and cousin. If any adult complains just point out what he did plonking her on the stone floor and she banged her head.

Tophy124 · 29/05/2023 15:30

Never go away with them again and you obviously will have to watch baby and leave the loading of dishwasher, tidying etc to the others and explain she keeps getting hurt if anyone queries it.

BonnieBobbin · 29/05/2023 15:33

I think the issue is that you seemed to think being away meant other people would help watch the baby but tbh it's rare for extended family to watch your baby the same way you would and it's actually very common for them to relax their standards even further when on holiday.
Rather than getting caught up on how the other DC is behaving - just accept that a baby on holiday needs more monitoring than they do at home. That's true regardless of who is around them or in your family. And yy it's exhausting but that's just reality when you have a baby and are in a strange place.

TooBored1 · 29/05/2023 15:36

endofthelinefinally · 29/05/2023 13:40

I wouldn't take an 11 month old to a water park. It is expensive and completely unsuitable.

But perhaps a lovely way to spend time together as an extended family unit? (Present example aside.)

StaunchMomma · 29/05/2023 15:37

I'd be tempted to just say he can't touch her, end of.

If you get any pushback then point out that in one day you've already had a hard poke to the throat, a fall of a chair and a ball thrown at her hard - that is more than enough to warrant putting in a very hard boundary. Just tell them he is not allowed to touch her, end of.

Any push back is likely to be because the rile is going to make everyone's life harder in terms of monitoring him but I'm afraid his wants do not pip the safety of an 11 month old.

ohfourfoxache · 29/05/2023 15:38

Unfortunately you have 2 options:

-don’t let her out of your sight/arms for a moment and prevent the opportunity for harm

-leave

i don’t know which would cause the most shit to hit the fan but it sounds like it needs to in order for something to change

IdealisticCynic · 29/05/2023 15:40

I have been in a similar situation. In the end I decided I didn’t care if my sil/ in laws got in a huff, my DD’s well-being came first.

I never, ever, let my DD be with her cousin without me being present. When I saw the cousin behaving in a way I felt was unsafe, I told him off clearly, and if it persisted, took my DD away. My sil would make comments like “all children push each other”. At one point I said maybe, but I am not raising my daughter to do or accept that. Did it piss her off? Definitely. But I don’t care and never will!

Btw, my husband was largely unsupportive until the one time he was in charge and our DD got hit by her cousin and on the way home cried about it for 20 mins. He finally got it and spoke to his sister. She was super pissed off. Again, didn’t care!

Frosto · 29/05/2023 15:43

Secretly feed the 11 year old sweets and cola before bed and keep asking your bil and sil to try and keep the noise down throughout the night.

Joking aside I would just read the riot act, if you don't want your child doing something just say no, if they say why not say you don't trust the 11 year old with your child, point out how rough he is with your child. If they scoff and roll their eyes tell them it's their child that injured your baby

Dazedandbemused0 · 29/05/2023 15:46

Why on earth would this child ever be alone with your baby? And why would you not be very stern with him when he hurts her? And why would you allow your baby to be around him when your relatives don’t protect her around him? Just protect your baby???

Original poster
Babyroadtripper · 29/05/2023 15:47

BonnieBobbin · 29/05/2023 15:33

I think the issue is that you seemed to think being away meant other people would help watch the baby but tbh it's rare for extended family to watch your baby the same way you would and it's actually very common for them to relax their standards even further when on holiday.
Rather than getting caught up on how the other DC is behaving - just accept that a baby on holiday needs more monitoring than they do at home. That's true regardless of who is around them or in your family. And yy it's exhausting but that's just reality when you have a baby and are in a strange place.

No, that’s not the issue at all. I have monitored my daughter at all times, as you can tell from my previous posts. When I was loading the dishwasher, my MIL knew that she was watching the baby. We trust them (usually) 100% and everyone mucks in. My MIL usually will babysit solo for an evening or 2-3 hours a day so I can have a proper rest or a date whilst we are away.

We travel frequently. This was my daughters 9th flight at 11 months old. This isn’t my first rodeo.

It’s nothing to do with being on holiday, it’s all to do with the fact that once you throw the 11 year old GC into the mix you absolutely can’t trust the other adults. It’s sad really that my MIL will feel like she won’t get 1:1 time with baby but that’s how it is.

OP posts:
Frosto · 29/05/2023 15:52

Babyroadtripper · 29/05/2023 15:05

The thing is- I now have to say no to walks with granny and make sure my DH holds her when I go to the loo.

She’s also 11 months old so wants to play on the floor and crawl. He can approach her so quickly and I need to be ready to pounce

the thought of body blocking and NEVER being able to trust anyone except DH is exhausting, but it will need to be done

Show quote history

Can you get another room separate from the others, alternatively can you cut the holiday short?

diddl · 29/05/2023 15:53

It’s sad really that my MIL will feel like she won’t get 1:1 time with baby but that’s how it is.

Nothing to feel sad about if she can't keep your daughter safe.

Are these holidays the only time MIL sees her?

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/05/2023 15:55

Babyroadtripper · 29/05/2023 15:47

No, that’s not the issue at all. I have monitored my daughter at all times, as you can tell from my previous posts. When I was loading the dishwasher, my MIL knew that she was watching the baby. We trust them (usually) 100% and everyone mucks in. My MIL usually will babysit solo for an evening or 2-3 hours a day so I can have a proper rest or a date whilst we are away.

We travel frequently. This was my daughters 9th flight at 11 months old. This isn’t my first rodeo.

It’s nothing to do with being on holiday, it’s all to do with the fact that once you throw the 11 year old GC into the mix you absolutely can’t trust the other adults. It’s sad really that my MIL will feel like she won’t get 1:1 time with baby but that’s how it is.

Show quote history

Ah well, if your mil is upset, there will be other holidays to get over the upset. It is not, however, possible to replace your child and you need to do everything in your power to ensure she is not harmed. If that means pissing all your in laws, so be it.