Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My baby isn’t safe around her cousin- help please

286 replies

Babyroadtripper · 29/05/2023 13:31

Currently away with in laws and need some practical advice. We see my BIL and his wife and DC twice a year, so not very frequently at all.

I have a 11 month old who is very new to toddling and unstable.

She has an 11 year old cousin who is obsessed with her. He most definitely has some additional needs based on my experience as a teacher in a special school (10 years). The family just think he’s a bit of a character and overly sensitive- but he has definite social communication needs. Like I have seen some children gravitate towards the reception children during my time in mainstream, I see his fixation on my DD in the same way. He coos over her so sweetly, but gets overstimulated and excited. He doesn’t understand how fragile she is.

When we’ve seen them before but DD was younger so the most I had to fend off was some poking of her birthmark, and he didn’t like me telling him not to.

We have been in the holiday apartment for 30 minutes and so far he has been poking her in the throat when she was eating under the guise of tickling. Straight after the meal, he picked up from the floor when she was playing- tried to sit her on a dining chair and when his grandma tried to very gently ‘no no no’, plonked her on the floor. It all happened so quick. She toppled backwards and slammed her head on the floor. The sound made my blood run cold. He sloped off straight away, unbothered.

I grabbed her, checked her, fed her. lots of tears but she’s ok.

5 minutes later BIL’s wife came to check in a casual, ‘oh she’s okay’ way. I’m really not happy.

i’m not an anxious parent. At all. I usually get scoffed at for being TOO CHILL with DD, but I don’t trust him. I don’t trust the adults to keep her safe with him either. We’re going to a water park and I’m worried he’s going to do something stupid like let go of her in the water, if a good intentioned adult lets him be a ‘big cousin’ and swim with her.

Please help me here.

OP posts:
123wdcd · 29/05/2023 14:46

Keep her on you - I know this is not a break. Repeat over and over that her cousin is obviously interested, but his behaviour to her is and times inappropriate and she has been hurt so you will not let it happen again. I would not go to the waterpark - can you have a day out instead? It always amazes me how some family members just sit stupid while these things happen and do not try to improve the situation.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2023 14:49

You don't need help, you need to supervise and protect your daughter, even if it upsets others. If you need to tell the boy and his parents that he is not to touch your child, do it. If you need to be very, very stern with the cousin, do it.

eatdrinkandbemerry · 29/05/2023 14:51

I've got a severely autistic with severe learning difficulties son and he's got a younger sister.
It's nothing to do with disability it's his lack of discipline that's causing you problems!
His parents should be on it like a rocket and he would soon learn 🤷‍♀️

MeridianB · 29/05/2023 14:53

Oh and your DH needs to be right there backing you up. Presumably it is his sister and parents?

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 29/05/2023 14:53

if a good intentioned adult lets him be a ‘big cousin’ and swim with her.

You absolutely do not allow this to happen. End of.

Original poster
Babyroadtripper · 29/05/2023 14:54

SeaToSki · 29/05/2023 14:34

I think it will be ok for you to keep LO safe while you are holding her but I would be concerned about granny etc wanting to hold her and then not fending off the cousin appropriately. Its fine on the face of it to let granny watch your 11 month old, and you are likely to get some stick for refusing that…but its the further ramifications that are the problem.

If the parents arent going to be realistic, are any of the other adults on this trip likely to take you seriously if you have a quiet word about how dont want the cousin to put their hands on the baby let alone hold her.

very stressful for you

Exactly. This is the problem, thank you for honing in on it.

I absolutely know I should be parenting and watching my own child. I told him off at the dinner table, to the silence. The situation with him picking her up happened in like 10 seconds before I could take her back.

The issue is that I can’t trust the adults in this situation. MIL and FIL are fab and we have holidayed with them a few times since she was born. They frequently offer to babysit so we can go out ourselves, or take the baby for a long walk so I can have a proper break. They are wonderful. But add the other kids into the mix, and they can’t put in boundaries with their grandson, so I therefore can’t trust them this time. They are going to be confused/upset when I won’t allow them to do this.

Also, just wanted to address a few things:

I absolutely was NOT suggesting he was going to have sole charge of her in a waterpark pool. But I could imagine him being with granny and her in the baby splash park and doing something dangerous there. Or with BIL or SIL. I trust my family 100% usually so this is such a curveball.

He also won’t be ‘off on the slides’- he’s obsessed with her. He’s spent the time since I last posted building her a house fort. However he has also thrown a ball very hard at her. He has been told off for that.

I have worked with a lot of different 11 year olds. For the majority, those who know that they have caused a baby to be hurt will be extremely upset and worried. Very very few would just stand up and walk off with no concern. DD was crying furiously. It was obvious she was hurt. He simply does not have the awareness.

DH very supportive and equally angry, and has spoken to his family- so hopefully they’ll be monitoring him more

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 29/05/2023 14:55

Because you don't see them often, you're being too polite
Having hurt DD, you now have a valid reason( not that you need one, of course) BIL and SIL know about So be blunt stay near DD at all times and keep her safe. I realise it won't be relaxing for you both, but DD safety is paramount and you just never go again
If you still want to go to the water park( I wouldn't)then sit in the baby pool with her

ejbaxa · 29/05/2023 14:58

I’d just leave. The level of supervision required is exhausting and nobody else is vigilant enough. Messing with the throat of a baby when she’s eating could cause choking. Ridiculous and totally unacceptable. My ds has asd and no way would

MeridianB · 29/05/2023 14:58

So pleased your DH has spoken to them. This is crucial.

They may get very caught up in this situation as a judgement or label on your DN, but that’s not your problem.

ejbaxa · 29/05/2023 14:58

I let him behave like that

Emotionalsupportviper · 29/05/2023 15:01

titchy · 29/05/2023 13:39

She should be doing that anyway! Baby's only 11 months!

Show quote history

Not necessarily.

If there are other adults she can trust, she should at least be able to go to the loo without having to worry - but it seems that these other adults don't appreciate the seriousness of what could happen.

itsnotmybirthday · 29/05/2023 15:01

Stick to her like glue and don't let him near her. If others get upset, ignore them. Your only priority is your child and that's enough.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 29/05/2023 15:03

Your DH needs to firmly advocate for his son with his sibling and their spouse and make it clear their son's behaviour is dangerous and they're not seeing it.

diddl · 29/05/2023 15:03

Can just the three of you go out somewhere?

SamPoodle123 · 29/05/2023 15:04

I don't understand where you or your dh are when all these things happen? I get that it can be frustrating when there is another dc around that focuses on yours and might cause harm, but you both can tag team to be in charge of holding the baby or keeping a close eye. This has to be done when parents have dc close in age. There was 20 months apart from my first two and when the second one was born, I always kept a close eye. First thing my 20 month did when we brought him home was sweetly come bring a blanket to cover baby, but she covered his head too. Or I remember once when I was 5 my nanny was watching a baby and she left the room for a second, I picked the baby up and put her on the sofa, and she crawled off! And then cried. All was fine. But these are just examples of how different ages can do things and you always have to keep an eye. You can also tell your nephew to be gentle or careful, or just pick up your dc and move away. It is only a short time you are on holiday. When you need a break have your dh watch her. We have 3 dc and have learned a holiday is not really a holiday for the adults...you have to be hands on, watching etc always.

FrostyFifi · 29/05/2023 15:04

You need to be prepared to hurt and upset the other adults if it's the only way to keep your child safe. Her safety takes precedence over their feelings.

Original poster
Babyroadtripper · 29/05/2023 15:05

Peppermint81 · 29/05/2023 14:31

Errr keep hold of her when he's around and don't let him pick her up??
Did what family think. You can say she could have been really hurt when he dropped her earlier I don't want to risk anything

The thing is- I now have to say no to walks with granny and make sure my DH holds her when I go to the loo.

She’s also 11 months old so wants to play on the floor and crawl. He can approach her so quickly and I need to be ready to pounce

the thought of body blocking and NEVER being able to trust anyone except DH is exhausting, but it will need to be done

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/05/2023 15:05

If your husband is on board you will just have to tag team and not let her away from one of you. He can have a word in private with his mum and explain that you are both finding your nephew very difficult when it comes to your daughter, and a few incidents have happened on your watch...and you don't want to put his parents in that position as it's not fair on them. I'd try and put physical distance between your daughter and him, so make sure you're sitting between them etc and he can't make a grab for her. Tell everyone she is getting over excited and take her off upstairs to play with just one of you for a while. Otherwise one of you could try and take him out to spend some quality time with him away from the situation, with something that would be of no interest to a toddler. Like football or arcade games or something depending on where you are. And next holiday make sure you stay somewhere separate and only meet for short periods.

Ibouncetothebeat · 29/05/2023 15:05

He sounds similar to my nephew who has additional needs. He genuinely believed he was the only one who could take care of my DS. He will now even tell people he raised him 😂
It helped to set boundaries and tell him what he was allowed to do just as help with holding the bottle or showing them how to play with toys. But he was not allowed to carry or give food without my permission.

Benjieandjacksmum · 29/05/2023 15:07

I would fake an illness and go home. This is not going to be a break for you and there will never be a time when you fully relax. That dropping incident could have been so much worse. Your dh needs to have a word as they are his family but I honestly feel the safest place for your baby is as far away from this eleven year old as possible.

Unicorntastic · 29/05/2023 15:07

My DDs classmates slightly older sibling is like this, inevitably he is sometimes there at soft play or park play after school and i now watch him like a hawk because hes rough with the others and has a mean streak when playing with them. His parents are really nice people but i think they pick their battles with him so Ive told him to stop his behaviour before when Ive had to rather than turning a blind eye to it. I dont care if they or he doesnt like it.

Original poster
Babyroadtripper · 29/05/2023 15:08

SamPoodle123 · 29/05/2023 15:04

I don't understand where you or your dh are when all these things happen? I get that it can be frustrating when there is another dc around that focuses on yours and might cause harm, but you both can tag team to be in charge of holding the baby or keeping a close eye. This has to be done when parents have dc close in age. There was 20 months apart from my first two and when the second one was born, I always kept a close eye. First thing my 20 month did when we brought him home was sweetly come bring a blanket to cover baby, but she covered his head too. Or I remember once when I was 5 my nanny was watching a baby and she left the room for a second, I picked the baby up and put her on the sofa, and she crawled off! And then cried. All was fine. But these are just examples of how different ages can do things and you always have to keep an eye. You can also tell your nephew to be gentle or careful, or just pick up your dc and move away. It is only a short time you are on holiday. When you need a break have your dh watch her. We have 3 dc and have learned a holiday is not really a holiday for the adults...you have to be hands on, watching etc always.

Poking the baby when eating - me sat right next to her (obviously told him off)

Picking her up and plonking her on the floor - I was 5 steps away, he was with granny, I rushed over as soon as I saw him lift her and put her on a dining chair but didn’t get there in time before the plonk (I took DD, he walked off)

the ball throwing - I was HOLDING her (BIL told him off)

OP posts:
MeridianB · 29/05/2023 15:09

Picking her up and plonking her on the floor - I was 5 steps away, he was with granny, I rushed over as soon as I saw him lift her and put her on a dining chair but didn’t get there in time before the plonk (I took DD, he walked off)

Out of interest, what did your MIL do? Say? Did the other adults just ignore it?

dapsnotplimsolls · 29/05/2023 15:09

How long are you away for? If it's the whole week, I'd be tempted to go home tomorrow otherwise you and DH will be exhausted by the end of the week.

diddl · 29/05/2023 15:10

Is there a chance of going home or staying elsewhere?

Swipe left for the next trending thread