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Original poster

My baby isn’t safe around her cousin- help please

286 replies

Babyroadtripper · 29/05/2023 13:31

Currently away with in laws and need some practical advice. We see my BIL and his wife and DC twice a year, so not very frequently at all.

I have a 11 month old who is very new to toddling and unstable.

She has an 11 year old cousin who is obsessed with her. He most definitely has some additional needs based on my experience as a teacher in a special school (10 years). The family just think he’s a bit of a character and overly sensitive- but he has definite social communication needs. Like I have seen some children gravitate towards the reception children during my time in mainstream, I see his fixation on my DD in the same way. He coos over her so sweetly, but gets overstimulated and excited. He doesn’t understand how fragile she is.

When we’ve seen them before but DD was younger so the most I had to fend off was some poking of her birthmark, and he didn’t like me telling him not to.

We have been in the holiday apartment for 30 minutes and so far he has been poking her in the throat when she was eating under the guise of tickling. Straight after the meal, he picked up from the floor when she was playing- tried to sit her on a dining chair and when his grandma tried to very gently ‘no no no’, plonked her on the floor. It all happened so quick. She toppled backwards and slammed her head on the floor. The sound made my blood run cold. He sloped off straight away, unbothered.

I grabbed her, checked her, fed her. lots of tears but she’s ok.

5 minutes later BIL’s wife came to check in a casual, ‘oh she’s okay’ way. I’m really not happy.

i’m not an anxious parent. At all. I usually get scoffed at for being TOO CHILL with DD, but I don’t trust him. I don’t trust the adults to keep her safe with him either. We’re going to a water park and I’m worried he’s going to do something stupid like let go of her in the water, if a good intentioned adult lets him be a ‘big cousin’ and swim with her.

Please help me here.

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 29/05/2023 13:48

I think you have to enforce the boudaries. Now he’s put her down and she bumped her head it should be easy to justify why.
the other adults clearly won’t so you have to. Is your partner away with you? If so can’t you have a word so it is always one of other of you supervising her.

You can be kind but strict. “Bill! Lucy is eating right now so leave her alone to eat please.( gentle stepping between them)”.

If you work at an SEN school then maybe treat it like work. Think of some strategies to use to keep them apart and hold boudaries.

If any one questions you can say, she’s bumped her head already.

I think just got off on your own with little one at the water park. I assume the bigger child will be on slides etc and you in baby area anyway.

CosmosQueen · 29/05/2023 13:49

Who on earth would let an 11 year old go in the water with an 11 month old?
I wouldn’t have totally trusted any adult with my dc in a swimming pool; over protective possibly but I witnessed a toddler nearly drown because the adults all assumed someone else was looking after him.

rainbowstardrops · 29/05/2023 13:50

You see them twice a year.

Your daughter is 11 months old, so I can't see the issue with the water park because either you or her dad will be with her surely?!
You don't NEED to let the cousin be in charge of her.

I don't really see the issue but if there is one then I'd suggest your partner explains the situation to his family.

EasyLifer · 29/05/2023 13:51

The waterpark will probably have a different area for younger children so you could stay there with DD while the others go off to do the more exciting stuff.

perfectcolourfound · 29/05/2023 13:51

Surely noone would leave an 11 year old in charge of a baby at a waterpark, no matter how sensible the 11 year old was. It wouldn't be fair on an 11 year old to make them responsible for a baby in one of those places.
So the waterpark shouldn't be an issue.

Otherwise, just keen a close eye on your baby. This is the case whether you're visiting someone with pets, or small children who don't know they're being rough...lots of scenarios where you have to keep a close hold or a close watch on your child.

LaGiaconda · 29/05/2023 13:54

Even, if there are additional needs and poor parenting to consider, I think you need to be very clear and firm.

'NO.' do not touch the baby, except when I am holding her.

When I say STOP, you must STOP.'

dancinginthesky · 29/05/2023 13:55

My 10 year old wouldn't even wanna hold his cousin in a water park- he'd be off. Similar situation with the age gap, adoration and additional needs between them. I wouldn't let DS hold a baby in one but there's plenty gonna be distracting him there

I'm the boys mum in this case... and I give him jobs and tasks to help to distract him from manhandling but still feeling involved... like handing over wipes, making sure if she drops her teddy he's got it, peekaboo... singing a song, help me push the buggy (but not next to any roads only on flat surfaces in parks, shopping centres etc) it's not gonna be a rest for you but keep him busy feeling helpful and you holding supervising her ...

Cloudburstings · 29/05/2023 13:56

@Babyroadtripper you have to supervise her closely, tell him no, face down relatives telling you to relax or minimising if he’s too rough.

get your DH on board if possible but be prepared to do it alone if you have to.

means it will be a tougher trip for you, more work than if you were away as a family of three. But that’s the way it goes sometimes.

kids vary and what their parents teach them varies even more.

At the playground, parties, soft play you also have to be prepared to advocate for your kid in the face of boisterous- too rough bigger or older kids, while their parents ignore them or tell you to chill out.

this will be the first of many times.

see it as practice

aSofaNearYou · 29/05/2023 13:56

He's 11? If the people in his life believe he is NT then this behaviour is totally inappropriate for his age, he should have been firmly reprimanded in all of these examples, he is far too old. The things he is doing are things I would expect a 4/5 year old to do, no older.

Don't leave her alone with him. I think you need to be firmer that people are not to leave her alone with him and that his behaviour is dangerous.

Goldbar · 29/05/2023 13:57

Keep her within arm's length and don't let her out of your sight. This is the sort of situation where I'd have her in the bathroom strapped in her buggy watching cartoons on my phone to keep her safe while I showered.

HazyDragon · 29/05/2023 13:59

Well since the head banging incident you now have the perfect 'excuse' to not allow him to pick her up etc. It's more difficult with the touching, but I would just stick to a "hands down please Sam, she doesn't like that" response and pick her up and move her. And "I've already told you not to pick up the baby, put her down."

His parents don't seem overly bothered about your DD being hurt/ irritated by their son, so I would take the same approach. Don't be afraid to tell him off.

This would also be my last holiday with them 🙂

Lupiemumof1 · 29/05/2023 14:00

This ☝🏽

Goldbar · 29/05/2023 14:01

aSofaNearYou · 29/05/2023 13:56

He's 11? If the people in his life believe he is NT then this behaviour is totally inappropriate for his age, he should have been firmly reprimanded in all of these examples, he is far too old. The things he is doing are things I would expect a 4/5 year old to do, no older.

Don't leave her alone with him. I think you need to be firmer that people are not to leave her alone with him and that his behaviour is dangerous.

I agree. My 5yo wouldn't behave like this around their baby sibling. I wouldn't trust this child not to topple the buggy or high chair or something like that, which would be disastrous with hard stone floors. It sounds like everyone else is completely blind to the risk which means you have to be vigilant.

Hugasauras · 29/05/2023 14:03

You just need to supervise any interactions. I have an 11mo who has a big sister (4) who adores her and loves to be near her, trying to hold her, lift her up, move her around, etc. Most of the time that's fine and both DDs enjoy it, but in situations where there is a risk factor (stone floors, a big drop, any other situation where one of them might get hurt) then I intervene and stop whatever is happening or hover close enough that I can react quickly enough to stop anything happening.

At 11mo your baby won't ever be in the sole care of the 11yo, and if there's two parents there then it shouldn't be too difficult for there to be one there supervising at all times.

Also I don't know what the relevance of the water park is, no one in their right mind would have an 11yo in charge of a baby in a swimming pool or near water slides! You will be holding your baby at all times if you are in the water.

Daffodilmorning · 29/05/2023 14:05

Keeping your child safe is more important than offending anyone. Don’t let her out of your sight at the water park. If one of the adults tries to hand her to her cousin, a firm ‘no, we need to keep DD safe so only adults can hold her’. If you don’t trust them to listen then they don’t hold her either.

neilyoungismyhero · 29/05/2023 14:05

8

WaltzingWaters · 29/05/2023 14:05

Keep baby in your view at all times. And no more holidays with them until your child is much older. It sounds awfully stressful for your holiday!

RosaSkye · 29/05/2023 14:05

I understand completely where you’re coming from. I have a family member (adult!!!) who makes some funny choices like distracting children when eating etc And it’s hard to explain but it sort of causes you to lose focus and panic as you spend all your time on edge

agree with keeping her very close and if necessary say on water park day that she’s not slept well and you’re going to stay and give her a calm rest

Hugasauras · 29/05/2023 14:06

Also I think it probably is something you want to resolve for future, but I don't think this holiday is the right place to do it as it'll just make the atmosphere awful for the whole time and you're literally all stuck together. So grit your teeth, always be with your baby like you would if there were no other family members present, and make the best of it.

JhsLs · 29/05/2023 14:06

I think I would go with the firm, but kind approach. ‘Don’t tickle her whilst she’s eating, please,’ or ‘No picking up the baby, please,’ etc. I have no needs myself but my sister was born when I was ten and I was strictly not allowed to pick her up - and I was a responsible child! I also wouldn’t give a hoot about whether he likes being told what to do/not do as my baby would be my priority. As PP said, always within arms reach, even if she’s playing on the floor near you.

Daisydu · 29/05/2023 14:08

Simply don’t let your dd be unsupervised with him. At all.

dapsnotplimsolls · 29/05/2023 14:09

You're going to have to be the 'bad guy' and keep her close at all times. What does your DH think? Ideally, he needs to be the one to make things clear to his relatives.

Hugasauras · 29/05/2023 14:10

Oh and remember that you have agency over your own child. Your post sounds a bit like you're helpless depending on what other adults choose to do, but you have to advocate for your own child. They can't take your child away and hand him to her cousin in the water park because you are presumably going to be there and can say 'No, I'll keep her with me' or always be holding her (and a mobile 11mo at a water park should always be being held or strapped in to a pram or something anyway).

IncomingTraffic · 29/05/2023 14:12

Is the real problem here that you cannot trust your husband (your child’s father) to tell his family to stop letting/encouraging his nephew to do things that aren’t safe or will hurt his daughter? Or to support you when you challenge this stuff?

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 29/05/2023 14:14

I think you have to forcefully communicate your concerns. When everyone is together you tell them, in no uncertain terms, that your nephew is too rough with your dd. You are upset that everyone brushes it off and that you are concerned for her safety. Now isn't the time to tiptoe around other people's feelings; please or offend you need to let them know in no uncertain terms that your dd needs protection. If they don't agree them you take her home.