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Original poster

My baby isn’t safe around her cousin- help please

286 replies

Babyroadtripper · 29/05/2023 13:31

Currently away with in laws and need some practical advice. We see my BIL and his wife and DC twice a year, so not very frequently at all.

I have a 11 month old who is very new to toddling and unstable.

She has an 11 year old cousin who is obsessed with her. He most definitely has some additional needs based on my experience as a teacher in a special school (10 years). The family just think he’s a bit of a character and overly sensitive- but he has definite social communication needs. Like I have seen some children gravitate towards the reception children during my time in mainstream, I see his fixation on my DD in the same way. He coos over her so sweetly, but gets overstimulated and excited. He doesn’t understand how fragile she is.

When we’ve seen them before but DD was younger so the most I had to fend off was some poking of her birthmark, and he didn’t like me telling him not to.

We have been in the holiday apartment for 30 minutes and so far he has been poking her in the throat when she was eating under the guise of tickling. Straight after the meal, he picked up from the floor when she was playing- tried to sit her on a dining chair and when his grandma tried to very gently ‘no no no’, plonked her on the floor. It all happened so quick. She toppled backwards and slammed her head on the floor. The sound made my blood run cold. He sloped off straight away, unbothered.

I grabbed her, checked her, fed her. lots of tears but she’s ok.

5 minutes later BIL’s wife came to check in a casual, ‘oh she’s okay’ way. I’m really not happy.

i’m not an anxious parent. At all. I usually get scoffed at for being TOO CHILL with DD, but I don’t trust him. I don’t trust the adults to keep her safe with him either. We’re going to a water park and I’m worried he’s going to do something stupid like let go of her in the water, if a good intentioned adult lets him be a ‘big cousin’ and swim with her.

Please help me here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babyroadtripper · 29/05/2023 15:59

diddl · 29/05/2023 15:53

It’s sad really that my MIL will feel like she won’t get 1:1 time with baby but that’s how it is.

Nothing to feel sad about if she can't keep your daughter safe.

Are these holidays the only time MIL sees her?

Yes, they live abroad so we tend to meet somewhere in the middle

They are from a country (and in turn BIL and SIL) where kids are allowed to be much more ‘spirited’ so in the past I have tried to have an open mind to cultural differences- but not any more

OP posts:
BonnieBobbin · 29/05/2023 16:02

You're putting a lot of blame (even read the heading of your thread) on an 11-yr-old. It isn't their fault. They are not responsible for ensuring your baby's safety and no-one else will care about your baby's safety as much as you.
You can make a big song and dance about it - which will make absolutely no difference to anyone else's behaviour - or you can accept you and your DH have to watch the baby.
Feeling that is unfair and imagining how upset MIL is going to be - isn't helpful.

diddl · 29/05/2023 16:03

So they never visit & stay with/near you?

And BIL/SIL nephew are always there also?

VDisappointing · 29/05/2023 16:05

I wouldn't be letting other adults take my 11 month old into the water so this would not be an issue for me regardless of your nephew. There is no need for someone else to take her swimming?

Original poster
Babyroadtripper · 29/05/2023 16:06

BonnieBobbin · 29/05/2023 16:02

You're putting a lot of blame (even read the heading of your thread) on an 11-yr-old. It isn't their fault. They are not responsible for ensuring your baby's safety and no-one else will care about your baby's safety as much as you.
You can make a big song and dance about it - which will make absolutely no difference to anyone else's behaviour - or you can accept you and your DH have to watch the baby.
Feeling that is unfair and imagining how upset MIL is going to be - isn't helpful.

I’d be grateful if you could tell me what more I could do, when a big 11 year old jumps from behind a sofa and throws a volleyball at my baby ‘playing’.

I am watching her in this situation. I’m HOLDING her.

You’re right. It isn’t DNephew’s fault. It’s his parents fault.

OP posts:
Bluebells1970 · 29/05/2023 16:07

You need to tell his parents. Because he's always going to be older and stronger than your DD. Set those boundaries out now of what you expect from them.

OhwhyOY · 29/05/2023 16:13

I feel for you. A different kind of situation but I'm currently trying to police my 2 yo with my 2 day old and it's exhausting. At least they're both mine so I can manage the situation in the way I see fit. Hard to manage someone else's child particularly if they're right there and not doing so. Sadly I do think the only option is to be hyper vigilant and leap up as soon as you see him near her. But that's not much fun for you :-( Hopefully DH's convo with the family will help a bit at least.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 29/05/2023 16:15

@BonnieBobbin the 11 year old isn't having a careless accident, he's actively trying to hurt the baby. You can say its not his fault if he has a form of neurodiversity that means he has no empathy or common sense but its still him actively doing things that could hurt the baby and the other adults not addressing it.

pikkumyy77 · 29/05/2023 16:15

Its obvious, though a lot of readers are pretending its not, that the problem is that all the other adults are pretending that the eleven year old can manage his contact with the baby in an appropriate way when he can’t. He is more like a big toddler (too curious, too rough, unaware of consequences, not concerned with hurting the baby/unaware). No matter how excited an 11year old is they can and will self regulate to avoid harming a child if they can.

There is NO nice way of communicating this to BIL/SIL or MIL. Because they will take it as an insult rather than as appropriate caution.

Since you can’t leave I would detail your DH to spend every minute with his favorite nephew and have all activities be separate along those lines. Have DH do all your chores for the family (laundry, cooking, cleaning) with nephew while you relax with baby and grandma.

CloseCurledLeaf · 29/05/2023 16:18

I’m sorry, even my own family , adults were untrustworthy when my children were little, when in the company of my sister.
Twice something happened, and my mother who usually cared for them, brushed it off, whilst in the company of my sister.
One daughter has a lovely scar on her leg, which should have been stitched, but instead was taped up, the others’ worsening chest infection/ asthma was ignored all day, and when we arrived home from work and saw her, she was admitted to hospital.

Trust your instincts, not to depend on the sense and care of family.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/05/2023 16:19

Babyroadtripper · 29/05/2023 16:06

I’d be grateful if you could tell me what more I could do, when a big 11 year old jumps from behind a sofa and throws a volleyball at my baby ‘playing’.

I am watching her in this situation. I’m HOLDING her.

You’re right. It isn’t DNephew’s fault. It’s his parents fault.

Show quote history

Regardless of whose 'fault' it is the fact is that you are going to have to be unafraid of causing a 'stink' with the family (specifically his parents) by stating baldly that Cousin does not know how to behave around DD safely and that the parents need to insure that he is kept away from her. You also need to be unafraid of telling Cousin off directly with very stern words in front of the family. It's not going to make you very popular, but your DD's safety comes first.

You also need to realize there will be no lie ins, no 'dates', and no time away from DD since you cannot trust others to care for her in the way you want her to be cared for.

Frankly, I'd probably pack up and leave. After all how relaxing is this holiday going to be with you and DH having to be 100% on guard 24/7? And what 'atmosphere' is going to be created if you raise a stink or tell off Cousin in stern terms? You may as well have stayed at home.

Mumoftwosweetboys · 29/05/2023 16:22

Don't let him in the water with her. That's up to you and nobody else. If you're anxious then you'll have to be there to supervise everything. Not much of a holiday buy better than you worrying. Also can't your husband say something?

Shadowworry · 29/05/2023 16:31

Get all of the adults to sit down together and state your concerns - if you can all intervene at all times if it takes the pressure off / in your shoes if he did anything else I’d just leave

Olive19741205 · 29/05/2023 16:33

BonnieBobbin · 29/05/2023 16:02

You're putting a lot of blame (even read the heading of your thread) on an 11-yr-old. It isn't their fault. They are not responsible for ensuring your baby's safety and no-one else will care about your baby's safety as much as you.
You can make a big song and dance about it - which will make absolutely no difference to anyone else's behaviour - or you can accept you and your DH have to watch the baby.
Feeling that is unfair and imagining how upset MIL is going to be - isn't helpful.

I'm utterly baffled by your posts. It's almost as if you haven't even read the OPs posts. You have seriously missed the problem here.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 29/05/2023 16:36

Let them all go to the waterpark, but you, your DH and your DD stay behind.
Absolutely do not leave your baby with him. He's old enough to know he's hurting her.

Pipsquiggle · 29/05/2023 16:37

Has your DH's chat with BIL&SIL happened? How did they receive it?

The problem is that your DD is still getting targeted even when you are right next to her so there needs to be strict sanctions in place with the 11 year old.

Can you all tell him off? Can you tell him to stay away? What would you do if this happened in your school? What safeguards would you put in place? Can you put these in place on holiday?

Do you think his parents are aware that he could be SEN? Can you signpost them to get help /assessment?

Wheresthebeach · 29/05/2023 16:37

Thats so stressful! Tell him, and his parents, that’s he’s not allowed to pick her up. She could have been badly hurt falling off the chair. They all need telling and in no uncertain terms. If he throws things at her you need to shout. An 11 yr old really does know better.

PartyFarty · 29/05/2023 16:41

Definitely separate activities needed to fill the days, and explain why so they dont hijack what you're doing. Then gp can spend a day with one then a day with the other grandchild

Shhhquirrel · 29/05/2023 16:45

Under no circumstances let him take her in the pool.
Stand your ground, her safety is your responsibility. Better some hurt feelings on their part than your DD being put in danger again.

PyjamaFan · 29/05/2023 16:47

I think I would leave and either go home or go and stay somewhere else.

LumpySpaceGoddess · 29/05/2023 16:47

Why can’t you and DH just rag team so one of you are with her 24/7?

LumpySpaceGoddess · 29/05/2023 16:48

Tag team*

Melroses · 29/05/2023 16:50

Don't got to the water park.

Let the others go with the 11yo and he can splash some energy off with them.

Go and do something else with baby & father away from them, relax a bit and talk strategy.

You are allowed to do your own thing - they will have to get used to it.

At the best of times, 11 yo and 11mo have very different needs.

BreatheAndFocus · 29/05/2023 16:51

Forget everyone else’s feelings and stand up for your baby! I’d simply not let the 11yr old near her - not even to play with her. Yes, this means you can’t leave baby with her GPs because they won’t follow that rule, but you can make damn sure DN knows he’s not to come near her. I’d shout at him next time he did something like throw a ball at her. His behaviour will only get worse because it sounds like he’s being indulged. Whether he has additional needs or not, who knows, but he can’t be allowed to interact with your DD for her safety.

legalseagull · 29/05/2023 16:54

Id say he needs a proper telling off. Not a polite one. Tell him clearly that he's not allowed to touch her again or play with her at all as he's too rough. Sod what his parents think of that.

Sack off the water park. Boring anyway with a baby. Just say "DC is too young to enjoy it, so we're going to chill out instead"

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