My baby isn’t safe around her cousin- help please

[Babyroadtripper]

Currently away with in laws and need some practical advice. We see my BIL and his wife and DC twice a year, so not very frequently at all.

I have a 11 month old who is very new to toddling and unstable.

She has an 11 year old cousin who is obsessed with her. He most definitely has some additional needs based on my experience as a teacher in a special school (10 years). The family just think he’s a bit of a character and overly sensitive- but he has definite social communication needs. Like I have seen some children gravitate towards the reception children during my time in mainstream, I see his fixation on my DD in the same way. He coos over her so sweetly, but gets overstimulated and excited. He doesn’t understand how fragile she is.

When we’ve seen them before but DD was younger so the most I had to fend off was some poking of her birthmark, and he didn’t like me telling him not to.

We have been in the holiday apartment for 30 minutes and so far he has been poking her in the throat when she was eating under the guise of tickling. Straight after the meal, he picked up from the floor when she was playing- tried to sit her on a dining chair and when his grandma tried to very gently ‘no no no’, plonked her on the floor. It all happened so quick. She toppled backwards and slammed her head on the floor. The sound made my blood run cold. He sloped off straight away, unbothered.

I grabbed her, checked her, fed her. lots of tears but she’s ok.

5 minutes later BIL’s wife came to check in a casual, ‘oh she’s okay’ way. I’m really not happy.

i’m not an anxious parent. At all. I usually get scoffed at for being TOO CHILL with DD, but I don’t trust him. I don’t trust the adults to keep her safe with him either. We’re going to a water park and I’m worried he’s going to do something stupid like let go of her in the water, if a good intentioned adult lets him be a ‘big cousin’ and swim with her.

Please help me here.

Agree with a pp. You shouldn't be scared of.offending them. The problem is that if he hurts her the attitude will be that he didn't mean it. It's irrelevant. As I tell my dc - if I hurt someone while driving, it might not be my intention but I still have to take responsibility.

Push back hard on his behaviour and if you get push back from other adults, calmly but firmly repeat that you need to.protect your dd.

Why would you allow an 11 year old to hold your baby in water anyway? That won't be happening because you will surely be in the pool and holding on to her the whole time? Its quite simple really, be close to her at all times when he is around.

I agree OP needs to keep her child safe.

She can do that without randoms on the internet indulging in ignorant hate speech towards disabled children.

For the avoidance of any doubt, being disabled isn't the same as being entitled or arrogant or a pain in the arse. It's about having different developmental capacities to other people. Disciplining people because they are disabled doesn't change their developmental capacities.

Regardless of SEN, an 11 year old without any experience of babies won’t understand what’s safe and not safe for a baby and therefore they are not safe to be left even for a few minutes. I’m surprised no one thought of this before the holiday. You can lay down some clear ground rules - he can’t pick up the baby EVER. He can come and play gently where she is sitting only when an adult is with him. Realistically though, even with rules, you won’t be able to trust him with her. The other problem is his parents are relaxing on holiday and they won’t realistically follow their 11 year old round every step he takes in the house. And even if they were right next him, if you couldn’t stop him during the chair incident, it’s unlikely any adult will be able to stop him even if they’re nearby. You need to take steps to make baby hard to get to. Her high chair is next to you and well away from where he sits to eat. Do you have a travel cot? Can you bring that into the sitting room during the day and use it like a play pen? DN is under strict orders not to go near the playpen and playpen provides a barrier to slow DN down if he tries to get near the baby so adults have time to intervene.

Next holiday you book separate accommodation and you join the rest of the family out during the day when DN is right next to you in the pushchair or high chair and fully supervised then you retreat to your own home when you’ve had enough. Honestly though, once they start moving you may find you have to follow her about everywhere anyway in any house that’s not your own as there’s too many sharp edges, hard floors, choking hazard, ornaments that can be broken, stairs with no stair gate. Pick the accommodation very carefully if you want to be able to relax at all but holidays with toddlers often aren’t very relaxing!

Exactly! And don't worry about the people that criticize your post. Most likely they a "spirited lively child with a big personality "

I say this as someone who has had to put very clear boundaries in place between my children and a ND relative who can behave in ways which are unacceptable. I had to do this when my children were babies and it is almost more important now that they are older and need to see me model what a good boundary is.

I say as someone with an autism diagnosis that I value explicit and clear rules very highly. I would never knowingly do something to harm a child. I also understand that there are times when I do or say something inappropriate because it's not obvious to me that it's inappropriate. (Like the time I said the word "divorce" within earshot of a small child whose parents are separated and the child's mother who I was talking to was like "shhh! DC doesn't know yet".) I would rather be kept away from your child than risk doing or saying something that could cause harm to your child. An autistic person with the ability to recognise how their autism affects their ability to interact with and around children and understands that the child's well-being has to come first will be fine being told "you aren't to be alone with my kids" or "ask before playing with them" or whathaveyou.

I think what I'm trying to say in too many words is: please do keep stating boundaries clearly and don't worry about upsetting the ND people.

"Discipling" doesn't mean punishing - it means teaching.

He is old enough to know be taught what is and is not appropriate behaviour - and the fact that he obviously knows that what he is doing is inappropriate (as evidenced by his behaviour) shows that he has the capacity to understand this degree if right and wrong.

He may well be unaware that he could seriously hurt the baby - but he is obviously aware that he shouldn't be behaving the way he is.

Personally I wouldn't go on holiday with them and I wouldn't;t care who it offends.

"Discipling" doesn't mean punishing - it means teaching

This. All kids need discipline and boundaries, SEN or not. My best friends son has autism but she still teaches him about behavioural boundaries and disciplines him when necessary in an appropriate manner. Kids need boundaries, it makes them feel safe.

Forgot to say that even residential units who support adults with severe learning disabilities have behavioural support plans in place (its called PBS- positive behavioural support) to ensure that everyone feels safe and the environment remains as calm and positive as possible.

How are you getting on today @Babyroadtripper ?

Thank you!

This is so important, not just for people who interact with the child/person with SEN (or any child/person for that matter), but for the individual with SEN themselves.

They have to live in the real world where they will not be protected by indulgent parents and grandparents all the time. If they have never been taught appropriate behaviour, how to respect boundaries, how to calm themselves down etc they will find life very hard indeed, because the world will not put up with it.

Stop being so dishonest.

You were called out for you comments about a child with additional needs calling them 'entitled', 'arrogant' and a 'pain in the arse'

Discipline means using punishment to correct disobedience. If someone lacks the capacity to comply, by definition this is not disobedience.

Absolutely no-one said a child shouldn't have boundaries or be given clear direction. They called you out on your offensive attitude. Anyone jumping in to your defence needs to take a close look at your comments.

We have our own space here so have been keeping to ourselves a bit more. DH has said that the cousins are under no circumstances allowed to pick up the baby. Thankfully the other DC (three of them) are younger and less interest.

but talking of interest- DN seems less entranced with DD today, lots of scowling. I suspect he has been spoken to by his parents and sees the baby as ‘getting him into trouble’- that makes sense. Suits me fine, but obviously I’ll continue to monitor

wish I hadn’t put about the water park in my OP. What a derail with people telling me how pointless/expensive/unsuitable/high sunstroke risk it was. I understand some posters were giving me an excuse to avoid DN, but the mind boggles about how some people wouldn’t take their child to one. We had a WONDERFUL time in the baby splash section. She loved it. Napped in the pram. No one got sunstroke. DN hid under a towel all afternoon so I was worrying about nothing.

Discipline does NOT have to involve punishment.

But you do you.

a) I'd rather do the Oxford Dictionary:

1. the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behaviour, using punishment to correct disobedience.

b) It's the casual nastiness about a child with additional needs that's harder to fathom though. Unnecessary.

I am genuinely pleased that the waterpark visit went well.

I wanted to pick up on something that you mentioned in your post (and if on the off chance that your nephew does have special needs or additional needs this may be important). You mentioned that he went around with a scowl on his face because you think he now sees his baby cousin as someone that got him into trouble. I'd want to get that sorted sharpish. Your daughter didn't get him into trouble. His actions did that. He has to grasp that a person as little as a baby didn't have any means to get him into trouble. He dropped his cousin (not a doll) on a hard floor and could have caused her a terrible injury. She isn't injured (thank goodness) but he can't leave this holiday thinking that your daughter = someone getting him in trouble. He might grow up with that impression and every time he sees her now, he sees someone who got him into trouble.

That's all.

Enjoy the rest of your trip. I hope it's a lot more relaxing and enjoyable from here on out!

You essentially need to stay close to DD and supervise her at all times. At 11 months there's no way you should be letting him play with her in a water park anyway. I was holding DD 100% of the time at that age. Either you keep her close and watch her yourself at all times, or you leave. There's no other way about it.

OP - I sincerely hope you've cancelled the cheque...

😁😁😁

You were holding your baby all the time at 11 months old?

One if mine was walking then, the other crawling everywhere. No way they would have been happy to be in my arms constantly.

I have vivid memories if dc2 when he was 9~10 months old, not walking as such yet but happy to ride his ride along and doing races with dc1 around the living room 😁😁

sees the baby as ‘getting him into trouble’- that makes sense. Suits me fine

It really doesn't suit you fine. He might try to get revenge, potentially much much later after this holiday is over and the adults have put the incident behind them. He needs to understand that he got himself into trouble by mistreating your DD.

@Babyroadtripper sounds like you need a holiday

Your baby should have been seen in A& E for a backwards fall involving an injury to the head. This happened to mine ((6 months old) and French Dr in A&E made it clear we had done the right thing. Hopefully fine but should have been checked, especially when it’s the back of the head.

Going forward, your DD stays with you and DH and you’ll have to be vigilant to make sure nephew doesn’t try to pick her up in her cot when she’s asleep. Can you go out for some trips without the rest of the family so you’re not constantly worried?

Sounds like a much more positive day OP, I hope it continues in the same vein.

Gosh that's my nightmare. Mine would be the 11yo in this situation (though she's younger), but, unlike your DN,I would be heavily supervising her constantly. She wouldn't mean to cause harm, but she could cause harm so easily that we couldn't have her out of our sight. The idea of a holiday with a baby family member would have me on edge and I'd just not put us in that situation. I hope that he continues to avoid her and the parents keep a closer eye on him.