I married my teacher and now it feels... weird

[LocoMoko]

Almost 30 years ago I got together with my French teacher right at the end of sixth form. We've been married for decades. I'm ten years younger.
But, it feels weird especially as I work loosely in safeguarding.
Our marriage is OK. We have children.
Do I need to get over myself?!

The age gap has some significance, but the crucial factor is the imbalance of the relationship. As one PP stated, it can run deep.
When I was at teacher training college, one of the students in her final year began a relationship with one of the young tutors; she was legally an adult, and in other circumstances the age gap would not have caused comment. But she grew apart from her peers, and there was this faint suggestion that she was not one of us any more.
They married as soon as she qualified, and she subsequently came to college events such as concerts as the wife of a member of staff, but it still seemed odd; she looked somehow middle-aged before her time.
I felt a little bit sad for her that she had gone straight from the constraints of living at home to another round of domesticity, without the spell of racketing around and only being accountable to oneself that most of us had in her our early twenties.

Chris Woodhead, who was Head of Ofsted in the 1990s, had a 9 year relationship with one of his pupils. He says it didn't start until she'd left school but his ex wife says otherwise.

According to Wikipedia:
"In 1999, he was heavily criticised for saying pupil–teacher relationships could be 'experiential and educative on both sides';[19][17] he later said he thought his remarks had been off the record.[20]"

Schofield isn't a teacher though.

She must have been. I knew her at around 17 and he’d already been in prison and was out by then … she was living with him after this.

i was also at school in eighties and can think of pupil/teacher relationships.

One dated and married her music teacher, although in essence, he was only four or five years older than her (not excusing it, power imbalance etc). Another teacher married an ex pupil years after she left school - nothing happened when in school, I think they met in a pub years later, but he was still teaching her younger sister. At uni, My neighbour in halls was bonking her English teacher, a forty year, middle aged man.ie. Not young and good looking.

I dated men several years old than me when in six form.

In hindsight, much of what went on just woukdn’t be permitted today, and I guess that’s why you’re questioning your past. Do you feel you were groomed? Are you happy now. Are you regretting lost opportunities from dating and marrying young?

I remember an English teacher at my school. My friend said "I'd do anything for a kiss from Mr Jones." When we left school Mr Jones married another girl from our form. I now think there's something not right about Mr Jones.

(I know forty is not middle aged today but in those days, people aged sooner)

@KatyKopykat i had an English teacher called Mr Jones!

No, and he's a lot more than 10 years older than the teenager he groomed.

However the power imbalance is similar.

I wouldn't apply today's norms, values and laws to a 30 year old relationship. Safeguarding in schools started in 2002. However, if you feel you were groomed or exploited them maybe it's worth having counselling to explore those thoughts.

Apologies if this has been asked but what was your home life like, were you particularly vulnerable for any reason? If so I wonder if you're evaluating your younger life more holistically and considering whether you would have been drawn to an older figure if you had been more secure at home, and whether it doesn't feel like you were making a fully balanced decision at the time

In hindsight, isn't it interesting that teaching became female dominated when safeguarding was introduced?

This is not a real question. Some people choose their profession based on these "opportunities".

I would argue that a 10 year age gap when the youngest is in their teens or early 20s (especially teens to 22 maybe) is gross. There is definitely a power imbalance. Teacher or not, someone in their mid or late 20s shouldn’t be in a relationship with a teen. In OP’s situation, this is grooming. If he was an A Level teacher then he knew OP from when she was 16.

A small age gap between teens who then go on to remain together into adulthood is hardly sinister.

@Neodymium One of 17 and one of 14, assuming some sex went on before the 14 year old turned 16, that is rape as one is over the age of consent and they're doing to a child who isn't.

In hindsight, isn't it interesting that teaching became female dominated when safeguarding was introduced?

@TheHandmaiden I think teaching has always been mostly female dominated. It used to be one of the few jobs other than unskilled ones, that a woman would be able or likely to have/take.

Safeguarding in schools started in 2002

@Hellno45 They still had rules of how teachers should behave, long before then.

I just think it’s entirely different in this sort of scenario. People 2 or 3 years apart often go out with each other at this age. I had a boyfriend who was 13 when I was 11. And another who was 17 when I was 14/15. You’re not going to suddenly start considering each other out of bounds as you get a bit older.

I’m not saying anyone should break the law, however by the same logic a 16-yo in a relationship with a 15-yo in the same school year as them would be branded a rapist if they decided to have sex. It’s just not the same as a predatory adult taking advantage of an underage minor.

These are both youngsters and would consider each other as peers.

I think at that age a few years make a big difference.

I was sexually manipulated/assaulted by a friend's brother when he was 16 and I was 15. I was quite sexually innocent or didn't have much of a sexual dimension to my experience at all. People have told me in person or on feminist forums, that my own experience 'doesn't count.'

I think the age of consent is something that should be enforced very strictly when it comes to an overage person doing something to someone under the age of consent.

I had a boyfriend who was 13 when I was 11.

That makes me feel a bit sick. There's a big difference between an eleven year old child and a boy of thirteen who will probably be in the height of being preoccupied by his sex drive.

What a load of nonsense.

🤣

"In 1999, he was heavily criticised for saying pupil–teacher relationships could be 'experiential and educative on both sides'; he later said he thought his remarks had been off the record."

Ewww. I don't see how him thinking it was off the record would've made it any better.

@OCarumba What do you think thirteen year old boys are like? I'dve thought they're often at the height of horniness etc.

" I think teaching has always been mostly female dominated."

Well probably not always. They had to resign on marriage in the 19th Century.

11 year olds are in Year 7 and 13 year olds are in Year 8. Hardly predatory behaviour. I would say most people lose their virginity after age 15. I take an issue with people in their mid 20s or over dating teens (even those who are legally adults).