Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I married my teacher and now it feels... weird

232 replies

LocoMoko · 28/05/2023 21:42

Almost 30 years ago I got together with my French teacher right at the end of sixth form. We've been married for decades. I'm ten years younger.
But, it feels weird especially as I work loosely in safeguarding.
Our marriage is OK. We have children.
Do I need to get over myself?!

OP posts:
tonyatotter · 28/05/2023 23:18

Its not unusual, I am married to a former pupil of mine (although embarrassingly I couldn't remember her!), we got together when she joined the school as an NQT. 11 years between, all good, again several decades!

My former head teacher was married to her ex teacher and wore it as a badge of honor!

A school friend of mine started going out with one of our teachers when we were all in sixth form (not advocating that I should point out!!) we all thought it was very odd, was the 80's the head buried his head in the sand and ignored it all - caught up with them at a school reunion a few years back, approaching 30th wedding, 4 kids, he's a headmaster and she a teacher.

BreaktheCycle · 28/05/2023 23:24

These days he would have been reported to the LADO, the Police and the DBS. He would most certainly be barred from working with children indefinitely and put on the Sexual Offenders Register. Historical cases such as these can still be investigated now.

tonyatotter · 28/05/2023 23:26

TallerThanAverage · 28/05/2023 22:46

That just means that they were let down. They were adults who were in a position of responsibility which they abused and even if the VI formers made the first move the teachers were adults who should have sufficient self control to quash it.

OP if you had finished school and was an adult then it wouldn’t be illegal.

Show quote history

We do have to bear in mind that standards have changed, when I started working in a sixth form college in the late 90s, one gem given in the staff induction was "if you get into a sexual relationship with a student, let us know and we'll make sure you don't teach them".
The only concern at the time was nepotism in marking, safeguarding was almost 20 years away.
Clearly, on reflection, such a laid back attitude was wrong, but it was the standard of the time, if they are happily married 30 years later with kids thats better than a lot of marriages.

Boomboom22 · 28/05/2023 23:26

Why are so many people answering this seriously? It's Macron and his older wife parodied.

ThamThung · 28/05/2023 23:31

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 28/05/2023 22:21

Married for decades, and now it seems weird?

Je m'appelle!
J'habite a La Rochelle!

Mon Dieu!

So why are you going off him now, is he old and gnarly? Peut etre un petit problem avec le pipi!?
Je ne sais pas.
Une questionne.

🤣 Je suis crying with laughter

Howdidtheydothat · 28/05/2023 23:33

So socially and psychologically interesting. My DH is 10 yrs older, met when I was 18. I had a difficult family life and pre DH , always had older boyfriends and I know I chose this consciously and subconsciously. I needed a partner who could level with me, on the other hand I couldn’t connect with boys my own age because home life changed me to be older than my years. DH was older but probably opposite from me, a bit immature for age with v supportive and close family. We are together after many years, we traveled world together before we married and had our DCs. Not sure what my message is to OP, maybe we are different and things can be right for each of us in our own circumstances. If anything..I groomed my DH. And before I met DH, I definitely had some v dodgey relationships with older men that suited me at time and I was wise enough to duck out. It was a balance of home v blagging off Randy older man who wined a dined me. Sad but almost unlike prostitution. To all teachers, aunties, mums, please look out for for your kids friends who might be a girl like I was, we don’t have our mums or dads or anyone else fighting our corner and we did/do what we have too. The unsafe place called home v anything likely to be better and with someone who actually likes you/your body. I was lucky to ding a good one but it could have been very very different

whynotwhatknot · 28/05/2023 23:34

well he obviously was teaching you for a couple of years so no it wasnt apporpriate but it does happen

20 years ago girl in my dsis class wasseeing her media teacher she was 15- noone done anything and theyre still together but i still think its wrong

Blossomed · 28/05/2023 23:36

I don’t think it’s so much the age gap. It’s the fact that your partner was in a position of authority/trust and had a duty of care towards you. At the time, it was inappropriate of him to start a relationship with you, so I think it’s understandable to reflect on that. Especially if you have kids yourself.

Teenagehorrorbag · 28/05/2023 23:37

SwedishDeathClearance · 28/05/2023 21:58

Ecouter et repeter
Monsieur Bertillon est un douanier
Monsieur LocoMoko est un pédophile

OMG you must have gone to school with me.......Grin

I can hear that audiotape now. Doesn't seem 45 years ago......

BigChesterDraws · 28/05/2023 23:38

DustyLee123 · 28/05/2023 21:46

I got with my DH when I was 17 and he was 10 years older. Never been a problem to me.

Talk about missing the point of the thread. The issue here is that the bloke was her teacher. Not the 10-year age difference.

Although since this was 30 years ago, I don’t know why she’s brought it up now.

SpringIet · 28/05/2023 23:41

Age (age difference) is but a number blah blah blah. I went out with someone who lied about their age and I found out eventually. Others have willingly had that age gap. What is it that makes you feel weird?

Ginger1982 · 28/05/2023 23:45

SpringIet · 28/05/2023 23:41

Age (age difference) is but a number blah blah blah. I went out with someone who lied about their age and I found out eventually. Others have willingly had that age gap. What is it that makes you feel weird?

It's not the age, it's the fact he was her teacher.

Silentmama2 · 28/05/2023 23:48

Has all the recent stuff about PS made you question if you were groomed.

Are you subservient to him - or are you equal to him? I can only imagine the power dynamic - where he has more power/control. (sorry if i'm wrong)

Scienceadvisory · 28/05/2023 23:57

Hamfish · 28/05/2023 23:08

Sort of borderline paedophilia fucking awful men vibes I’d say

End of sixth form means the OP was likely 18 years old. How is that in anyway 'borderline paedophilia'? She was likely an adult. Paedophiles are sexually attracted to prepubescent children, often considered as those 13 and under.

WagnersFourthSymphony · 29/05/2023 00:01

The teacher/pupil relationship is always going to be weird.
When I was at school a hundred years ago a teacher started a relationship with a 14 year old in my class. Very bright and rather disturbed girl, sort of my friend. Everyone seemed to know about it but no one said anything. Even the headmaster must have known. When she left school they married, and stayed married until he died. I always thought it was romantic but very wrong, but what do I know, maybe I fancied him too.

porridgeisbae · 29/05/2023 00:04

Why are so many people answering this seriously? It's Macron and his older wife parodied.

I doubt that's the only such relationship ever to have happened.

End of sixth form means the OP was likely 18 years old. How is that in anyway 'borderline paedophilia'?

It's kind of a bit dirty seeming though. You can't tell me her youth wasn't probably part of the appeal.

Paedophiles are sexually attracted to prepubescent children, often considered as those 13 and under.

I never like when people try to differentiate between child sex offenders who are attracted to different ages of child, as if ones that go for young teens are ok/less bad. A child sex offender is a child sex offender is a child sex offender. A child legally is under 16, and this is represented by the 'paed-' suffix and its meaning in our society (which is different to what it was in Ancient Greece or whatever.) Someone under 16 is still a child, even if they've gone through puberty.

KnickerlessParsons · 29/05/2023 00:19

Emanuel Macron married his teacher.

EmmaEmerald · 29/05/2023 00:36

LocoMoko · 28/05/2023 21:47

Not quite sure why this is "BS"?! So I will ignore that.
Untoward? Uhm I'm genuinely not sure what you mean?! We weren't sleeping together until I'd taken my exams, but there was a definite emotional attachment.

There were two marriages from my school in similar circumstances.

I'm guessing it's societal judgement making you feel this way? You are happy, it's all good.

Strawberrydelight78 · 29/05/2023 00:36

I don't see what the issue is if he never knew you as a child and you were both concenting adults.

truthhurts23 · 29/05/2023 00:39

what has triggered you to feel "weird"?

Babyroobs · 29/05/2023 00:46

One of my school friends married our biology teacher shortly after leaving school. A few teachers were dating sixth formers. Seems very odd looking back now that nothing was said or done.

whatausername · 29/05/2023 00:47

LocoMoko · 28/05/2023 21:47

Not quite sure why this is "BS"?! So I will ignore that.
Untoward? Uhm I'm genuinely not sure what you mean?! We weren't sleeping together until I'd taken my exams, but there was a definite emotional attachment.

That's called grooming. I did write "these days" but deleted that. It was the 1990s so hardly long ago.

Nothingisblackandwhite · 29/05/2023 01:11

My first real boyfriend was when I was 15 and he was 19 ? He went on to be the father of my oldest 5 years after . I admit now that I look back I find it creepy . But I don’t think it was seen as that creepy 22 years ago

Clementineorsatsuma · 29/05/2023 01:19

FabFitFifties · 28/05/2023 22:24

2 teachers at my school, in the early 80's had affairs with 6 formers, and married them. One male and one female. No one got into trouble.

Why were they affairs, if both were single?

Or were they married teachers who subsequently divorced their spouses to marry the teens?

Just wondering!

CallieQ · 29/05/2023 01:22

Does he give you a detention if you're naughty