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Original poster

I married my teacher and now it feels... weird

232 replies

LocoMoko · 28/05/2023 21:42

Almost 30 years ago I got together with my French teacher right at the end of sixth form. We've been married for decades. I'm ten years younger.
But, it feels weird especially as I work loosely in safeguarding.
Our marriage is OK. We have children.
Do I need to get over myself?!

OP posts:
captainmarvella · 29/05/2023 07:15

Neodymium · 28/05/2023 21:53

I have a friend who got together with her husband when she was 14 and he was 17. She used to sneak out to see him. She said that her stepdad hated him for years and still didn’t really like him and she didn’t understand why he couldn’t get over it. I said that it was essentially statutory rape and if I was her parents at the time I would have had him arrested. She did not like that one with and we had quite a heated discussion about it. She still to this day doesn’t see anything wrong with their relationship at the time. Fortunately she was quite drunk at the time and I don’t think she remembers the conversation as it’s not been brought up again.

Honestly, it's not in your place at all to comment about their relationship. Unless SHE brought it up or confessed to any abuse/ickiness and ASKS for your opinion, you have no right to label her relationship anything. I am surprised she still stayed friends with you.

Thoughtful2355 · 29/05/2023 07:25

So.. I got with someone when I was 15, I didn't see anything wrong with it. 10 years later I was disgusted.

I would also feel disgusted if a teacher started datin me right after exams

Iyiyiiii · 29/05/2023 07:25

Yvetty · 28/05/2023 22:21

Honesty, I know you think that but amongst my peer group (of teens) it was acceptable, it was late 80s/early 90s.

I'm a similar age, and no, not acceptable where I went to school

ThePoshUns · 29/05/2023 07:31

I am that age too.
And it would not have been acceptable in my 6th form in late 80s / early 90s.

FancyFanny · 29/05/2023 07:31

OP, is it just because now there seems to be some shift in culture where people are treating any relationship where there is an age gap as if the older person is perverted in some way, and we seem to be considering anyone up to the age of 25 to be children still and vulnerable to coercion.

OrangesAndLemming · 29/05/2023 07:31

I personally didn’t realise I had been groomed/abused until I reached the age of the abuser at the time. He was 9 years older than me and I was 13/14/15. I blocked it out for years and justified it to myself in a million ways and then later was totally horrified and ended up in treatment for ptsd. As many pps have said, if you or someone you love is now the age you were or you have surpassed the age of your not husband you may be realising there were some things that weren’t okay. No matter how much later it is. It’s okay to realise that perhaps this was not normal.

PandaPouch · 29/05/2023 07:32

I wouldn't be telling people IRL the story of how you and your husband met. And yes it's weird now in 2023, because it appears as if he is/ was a predator in a position of trust as a teacher.

Jk987 · 29/05/2023 07:36

You say your marriage is 'ok'. Maybe this is why you're questioning the relationship.

If you were happily married, you might not think about it so much. Is there anything you both want to do to improve the relationship? Perhaps it's come to a natural end and you'd be happier apart?

Hongkongsuey · 29/05/2023 07:37

Things change and cultural views are different depending on the mores at the time. So a teacher getting together with a student just after they had finished school wasn’t that controversial. So it would’ve felt ok to do. Not so now where it’s very frowned upon. That would stop many potential relationships now. To illustrate, when I was young, it would have been unthinkable for 2 men to get together openly, get married and have children. It would’ve raised a lot of disgust. But now? No one raises an eyebrow-and quite right too.

Calmdown14 · 29/05/2023 07:37

Thi

Jk987 · 29/05/2023 07:38

PandaPouch · 29/05/2023 07:32

I wouldn't be telling people IRL the story of how you and your husband met. And yes it's weird now in 2023, because it appears as if he is/ was a predator in a position of trust as a teacher.

Why? That's implying the OP should be ashamed. She hasn't done anything wrong.

MissHavershamReturns · 29/05/2023 07:45

Op this happened at the school I attended in the 1990s. I can think of four teachers who got together with sixth formers either while they were at sixth form or just after they left.

At the time this was not illegal provided kids over 16 and consensual but it was hugely disapproved of. None of the teachers were sacked but the parents and other kids felt that it was wrong even then. I’m sure there was some (maybe even a lot of) disapproval you sensed when your together?

And time has moved on and this is now treated completely differently which I’m sure you are aware of.

Do you feel he was wrong to start the relationship? What was the age gap between you? Is your relationship kind and equal now?

MissHavershamReturns · 29/05/2023 07:48

Sorry just saw you said ten years - so you were 18 and 28.

storminamooncup · 29/05/2023 07:49

Oh look, its another post where the OP doesn't come back because either its made up or she doesn't like the responses.
if its real, then either her job has opened her eyes or her DC has reached the same age, otherwise, why question it now?

Topsyturveymam · 29/05/2023 07:50

I think when we are in our teens we can think of ourselves as grown up. Perhaps looking at your daughters now, you see the relative emotional immaturity..and it highlights an abuse of power.
I remember knowing a girl in the late 80’s who had a relationship with her teacher. Her parents reported him and (if I remember rightly) he got prison time. They carried on the relationship after this, I think she was about 17 then. We went out as a gaggle of teenagers and he came too…I got the ick then, even more so now.

Ginger1982 · 29/05/2023 07:50

@captainmarvella professional boundaries absolutely do extend beyond the pupil leaving school. The grey area is how long after and this is something regulators grapple with. Meeting someone years later is very different to what the OP is describing.

Willmafrockfit · 29/05/2023 07:51

take a break

HairyToity · 29/05/2023 07:52

30 years ago there were different standards. Put it down to a change in thinking by society.

Ladybug14 · 29/05/2023 07:53

storminamooncup · 29/05/2023 07:49

Oh look, its another post where the OP doesn't come back because either its made up or she doesn't like the responses.
if its real, then either her job has opened her eyes or her DC has reached the same age, otherwise, why question it now?

This

I think its a spoof from the PS/MM drama 🤣

Squirrelsnut · 29/05/2023 07:54

A decades long and presumably successful marriage with children suggests your husband wasn't primarily interested in you in a gym slip.

JFDIYOLO · 29/05/2023 07:57

You've got the ick.

At 18, your brain was a good seven years yet to become fully adult, regardless of whether you were adult in law or not.

He knew that, yet as an adult man he entered into a relationship with you anyway.

And as your teacher, in a position of power and control over you, he did the one thing that is a complete professional and safeguarding no-no. Their training covers all that, but he did it anyway, the moment you'd done your exams.

You're a mother.

You don't say how old your DCs are but I'm betting you're seeing him from a very different perspective now.

Are you imagining the same thing happening to one of your DCs?

Ick.

WomblingTree86 · 29/05/2023 08:01

I knew one or two people who went out with teachers when in the sixth form in the mid 80s. I don't think they made their relationships public until they left school though. People disapproved but it wasn't a sacking offence for teachers, and it certainly wasn't illegal then. Different times.

NetZeroZealot · 29/05/2023 08:01

Parable for Philip Schofield?

Ladybug14 · 29/05/2023 08:03

NetZeroZealot · 29/05/2023 08:01

Parable for Philip Schofield?

That's my thought 😎

WomblingTree86 · 29/05/2023 08:04

Topsyturveymam · 29/05/2023 07:50

I think when we are in our teens we can think of ourselves as grown up. Perhaps looking at your daughters now, you see the relative emotional immaturity..and it highlights an abuse of power.
I remember knowing a girl in the late 80’s who had a relationship with her teacher. Her parents reported him and (if I remember rightly) he got prison time. They carried on the relationship after this, I think she was about 17 then. We went out as a gaggle of teenagers and he came too…I got the ick then, even more so now.

She must have been under 16 if he got prison time. If she was in the sixth form, he probably wouldn't even have got the sack let alone imprisoned.